To Mei-chan.
I just wanted to let you know that, after a year and a half, I still miss you. I miss talking to you and hanging out with you.
I remember our Auburn trips and stuff like that with a lot of fondness. ^^
In analyzing things over this time we've been apart, and after periodically going back to read old LJ entries and emails, I have to say I think you were right in a sense; the three of us were, perhaps, -too- close. I think it was a mistake to make a pact to tell each other every. single. thing. that was on our minds about each other; I think all three of us could have done a little better in controlling our rants and rages.
At the same time, I think all three of us hit equally difficult emotional times all at the -same- time, which is perhaps why we were so drawn to each other and that silly RP; Robin was going nuts with a new marriage and grad school, I was going nuts because of my mom and losing China, and you were going nuts from trying to find your place in this world.
Since then, things have settled down tremendously. It's taken some time to get things sorted out, as it always does, but things are tons calmer than they were at -that- time, which I'm really glad for.
Still...I miss you. I really wish you hadn't taken me fussing at you that one time as a sign of hatred or whatever...but, at the same time, I know that we needed a break really really bad.
And, honestly...I really -did- need the time away from you to heal from everything else that had just happened to me...but I really wish it had been on better terms.
I wish you didn't hate me for caring enough about you to be angry about you potentially hurting yourself, or whatever reason it is that you hate me.
I've thought about calling a couple of times; I think I still have your parents' phone number on my old cell somewhere...but, I doubt you'd really want to talk to me.
In the end, I just want you to find happiness and balance, and perhaps room enough in your heart to forgive us...to forgive me. I feel like the break-up is partially my fault, due to that..admittedly...very wrong email that I sent you before. While it was true that that was what I was feeling...I should have handled it better...though, admittedly also...you -were- sort of driving me nuts at that point.
I mean...I just felt that you were demanding more of us...of me...than I could give at that point...or that was really emotionally healthy to give at all. I felt like it was unfair to ask for advice, and then insult us when we gave it. I felt that it was unreasonable to hold us responsible for your own actions. I felt like you hated us for not being your parents...which is -not- a task for friends to take on.
At the same time, though...I look back to when -I- was that age, and kind of understand the desperation, the confusion...the overwhelming desire to figure things out...to make something of oneself...to prove something to all those jerks that told us in high school that we weren't good enough or cool enough or whatever.
Fortunately, though, that kind of intensity -does- fade over time, if you let it. You realize that the jerks in high school get married and have several kids, or that they become average business folk, or something along those lines.
You realize that it's just not worth your mental and emotional energy to hate on those folks any more, because everyone's moved on to other things. Or, you realize that, even if they -haven't- moved on, that they really should...but that it doesn't really matter whether or not they did, because you have -your- own life now too.
At least, this is the conclusion I've come to at 29 years of age. :) I don't want to waste my energy hating folks any more...though I -do- still get massively irritated at folks. Getting better on that, though. ^^ Or, at least actively trying.
Anyways, just a few words to let you know how I feel, should you drop by for some reason because you're curious about how things are going on this end. I almost exclusively use china_lizard now for my journaling purposes. Also, I still have the same email: china.lizard@gmail.com. Feel free to email me, should you want to. :)
No pressure though; I know that it's a very real possibility that we'll never see or talk to each other ever again...though I -do- pray for a time when we can talk through things as mature and equal adults, and put the past behind us as sisters in Christ.
I love you, girl. I did then, and I still do. Just remember that, if nothing else.
Peace to you in Christ,
~Liz~
I remember our Auburn trips and stuff like that with a lot of fondness. ^^
In analyzing things over this time we've been apart, and after periodically going back to read old LJ entries and emails, I have to say I think you were right in a sense; the three of us were, perhaps, -too- close. I think it was a mistake to make a pact to tell each other every. single. thing. that was on our minds about each other; I think all three of us could have done a little better in controlling our rants and rages.
At the same time, I think all three of us hit equally difficult emotional times all at the -same- time, which is perhaps why we were so drawn to each other and that silly RP; Robin was going nuts with a new marriage and grad school, I was going nuts because of my mom and losing China, and you were going nuts from trying to find your place in this world.
Since then, things have settled down tremendously. It's taken some time to get things sorted out, as it always does, but things are tons calmer than they were at -that- time, which I'm really glad for.
Still...I miss you. I really wish you hadn't taken me fussing at you that one time as a sign of hatred or whatever...but, at the same time, I know that we needed a break really really bad.
And, honestly...I really -did- need the time away from you to heal from everything else that had just happened to me...but I really wish it had been on better terms.
I wish you didn't hate me for caring enough about you to be angry about you potentially hurting yourself, or whatever reason it is that you hate me.
I've thought about calling a couple of times; I think I still have your parents' phone number on my old cell somewhere...but, I doubt you'd really want to talk to me.
In the end, I just want you to find happiness and balance, and perhaps room enough in your heart to forgive us...to forgive me. I feel like the break-up is partially my fault, due to that..admittedly...very wrong email that I sent you before. While it was true that that was what I was feeling...I should have handled it better...though, admittedly also...you -were- sort of driving me nuts at that point.
I mean...I just felt that you were demanding more of us...of me...than I could give at that point...or that was really emotionally healthy to give at all. I felt like it was unfair to ask for advice, and then insult us when we gave it. I felt that it was unreasonable to hold us responsible for your own actions. I felt like you hated us for not being your parents...which is -not- a task for friends to take on.
At the same time, though...I look back to when -I- was that age, and kind of understand the desperation, the confusion...the overwhelming desire to figure things out...to make something of oneself...to prove something to all those jerks that told us in high school that we weren't good enough or cool enough or whatever.
Fortunately, though, that kind of intensity -does- fade over time, if you let it. You realize that the jerks in high school get married and have several kids, or that they become average business folk, or something along those lines.
You realize that it's just not worth your mental and emotional energy to hate on those folks any more, because everyone's moved on to other things. Or, you realize that, even if they -haven't- moved on, that they really should...but that it doesn't really matter whether or not they did, because you have -your- own life now too.
At least, this is the conclusion I've come to at 29 years of age. :) I don't want to waste my energy hating folks any more...though I -do- still get massively irritated at folks. Getting better on that, though. ^^ Or, at least actively trying.
Anyways, just a few words to let you know how I feel, should you drop by for some reason because you're curious about how things are going on this end. I almost exclusively use china_lizard now for my journaling purposes. Also, I still have the same email: china.lizard@gmail.com. Feel free to email me, should you want to. :)
No pressure though; I know that it's a very real possibility that we'll never see or talk to each other ever again...though I -do- pray for a time when we can talk through things as mature and equal adults, and put the past behind us as sisters in Christ.
I love you, girl. I did then, and I still do. Just remember that, if nothing else.
Peace to you in Christ,
~Liz~