Part 03 - Chapter 02 - Regrets
He is dead. My father is dead, just as surely as if I had driven the car into him. How am I going to face mum knowing that Dad is dead because of me? For that matter how am I going to face the Doctor? I killed him too; I killed both of them. Doesn't matter that everything has been reset. I saw his expression before he turned to be eaten. I felt the love he pushed at me as a final gift even as he went to die to try to protect me from the Reaper. Then he's there I can feel him as clearly as I felt fathers pain and love a few moments ago as he died. I don’t deserve what either of them has given me. I truly deserve to be dumped back in my own time never to see the stars again except from the ground.
I look up slowly, and I am surprised, as I don’t feel the anger I expected to feel, instead I feel something infinitely worse a soul deep sadness, pain that seems to go on forever and pity. I stand and walk to him taking his hand; yet again I have caused him pain. I have done this, I have reminded him of how much he has lost and my heart is breaking at how much I have hurt him again as we move to the TARDIS. We both need to get away from my dad’s death, away from where I killed both of them.
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I can feel the grief pouring off of her in waves, grief and guilt. So much like the pain I have lived with all theses month, it rips at my soul, washing away any residual anger I might have felt for her part in what had happened. She is trying so hard to be strong; oblivious of how much pain she is projecting. I don’t know what to say and she says nothing as I take us into the vortex.
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"I... I'll go pack," I can't look in his direction; I can't bear to see the pain, the disappointment I know I will see in his eyes. I don’t want to hear him agree with me that I should pack, I don’t want him to see me cry. I almost make it to the door of the control room when the last thing I expect happens. I feel him pull me into his arms and I want to just melt into them. I hadn't even heard him move across the room and for some reason that sticks in my head as my mind refuses to think about what else has happened.
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Her pain is tangible in the room and I ache for her wanting so very much to make that pain go away. She doesn’t deserve to have to pay for my mistakes. She isn’t the one with over 900 years experience with time travel. I can feel her tense as I pull her to a stop and turn her to me. I don’t try to look her in the eye, I don’t think I can handle seeing the hurt I have put there by my stupidity but I have to let her know that I don’t blame her, that she doesn’t have to leave. “Rose, you don’t have to pack.” I don’t think I could make her leave even if I wanted. In spite of what I had said earlier I couldn’t have left her there in that time. She was right in that, much as it had made me angry.
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“I’m so sorry!” I sob as I jerk away from him I don’t deserve his comfort, not after everything I have done. So I run to my room finally letting the tears fall.
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I stand there looking the direction she has run off, her pain is like an open wound in my mind and I don’t know how to make it up to her. Yes, she was wrong to try to save her dad, but how was she to know the trouble it would cause? She has seen me interfere, she didn’t know and I felt her confusion when I got angry and tried to explain earlier. I let her get too close to me and it has led me to do something stupid again, and yet again I have hurt her. Rassilion help me I have fallen for a 19-year-old human, and I can’t seem to handle things better then a hormonal, teenaged human male. I need to put distance between us, or I will just keep hurting her. I have always known that I needed to protect her from the things we encounter as we travel but I realize now that I am going to have to be stronger and protect her from me too, how am I going to win a fight on more then one front? Intergalactic history is littered with instances of where military men tried and failed. I don’t know how, but I have to at least try. It’s bad enough that I can’t leave her at home where she will be safe, but to take advantage of her kindness as I have these last few days. Well it will just have to stop. I can’t keep hurting her like this.
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He was just trying to be kind; he was feeling pity for me that was all that hug was. After months he finally admits how much he cares, he finally allows me inside his armor, makes love to me not once but twice and what do I do, I betray him, and get him killed; how much more stupid could I get. I tell him how much he means to me then turn around and do something to get him killed, with friends like me who needs enemies. Is it any wonder he didn’t follow me when I left the console room? How can I expect him to forget that I got him killed? I watched as that thing descended and ate him. I had heard it crunching on his bones before that bright light in its belly had finished him off; they all had seen what it did. He had died because he didn’t want me to have to watch my dad die. Dad told me that the Doctor had figured it out early on; he had known how to put everything back, to make it all right just like he always does. Yet instead of taking the easy route he had tried to find another way for me and as a result my selfishness had got him eaten. I don’t deserve that kind of caring. I’m just going to have to be more careful; he has been hurt by so much, lost so much it isn’t fair. He has given me the whole universe to explore showed me truly amazing things and what have I given him in return, misery and death. He protects the universe, so who protects him? I have got to do what ever I can to protect him, even if that means I have to protect him from me. I can’t let him get hurt trying to protect me.
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Theta and Rose are both miserable and I don’t know what to do for them. Rose cried for hours before finally crying herself to sleep and Theta, well he’s doing what he always does and has been pacing, fiddling and doing maintenance, even if I couldn’t feel his overwrought emotions the level of distress he is in would be obvious, showing itself clearly in his actions. I worry when finally he gives up all his usual distraction pursuits and heads for the gym. I try to send him comfort and he makes it clear it’s unwelcome. Hard headed Time Lord.
Theta is more athletic then virtually any Time Lord I had ever known. Gallifreyans were notorious for disliking exercise, their attitude had always been disdainful of physical exertion, and they had engineered their bodies to stay fit with almost no effort on their part considering exercise something for the lower species. With the life Theta lives he doesn’t need to go to the gym and has long held when asked by his companions why he even has a gym that it is for them. There are times like now though that he seeks comfort in physical exertion but I always worry when he heads there alone as he is far from kind to himself when he does, usually driving his body to pain and exhaustion. He rarely goes there alone unless he is very angry or very sad. Right now he is both and it worries me. His emotions are so raw. I thought things were getting better when he let Rose in; let her love him. Now everything is falling apart again.
I wonder if I should wake Rose take her to him, but if I do that he will be all that much more angry. I will hold off for now but if he begins to hurt himself by Rassilion I will. So I watch as he takes out his aggressions on the athletic equipment nearly knocking the stuffing out of the punching bag before he relents and moves on to something else. I watch as he aggressively tackles each piece of equipment, and I continue to watch until I can be silent no longer. ‘Theta,’ I can feel him ignoring me so I think a bit louder to him. ‘Theta?’ Finally he drops the weights he has been hefting.
‘What do you want?’ irritation clear in his thought
‘Theta you need to sleep.’
‘Why, you think I have not had enough for today?’ He says in obvious reference to his nightmares and I cringe as I realize how insensitive I am being having forgotten, but I can’t resist responding to his attitude. ‘No,’ I say with scorn ‘you need to rest, your body needs to rest it’s not exactly an everyday occurrence that you’re eaten alive by a Reaper.’
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Verity thinks she knows what is best for me. So I broadcast images of holding Rose, her tender compassion that has weakened my resistance to her and I barely suppress the moan of misery as I express my resolution to push her away. She has to know how I feel about the girl.
What does she think she can achieve pestering me about her. I messed up and yet again someone else is paying the price, and this time it’s Rose. I should take her home let her have a fantastic life before I destroy her, but I’m a coward and I want just to …
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I watch as he shows me his anguish over Rose and how his arms unconsciously come up to hug himself and I am not sure what to do for him. I don’t fully understand the bipeds and their hormone driven emotions but I know it hurts him and I don’t know what to do about his pain. He wants her so much. But after long moments when I am unable to give him any words to comfort he finally picks up his discarded jacket and jumper and stalks off for the shower in his room without thinking another word to me.
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As he moves off I sense he wasn’t going to listen to me even if I had had something to say to him. When he gets this way there is no reasoning with him, I only hope that he will at least try to get some rest and I prepare myself to do battle with his nightmares.
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The next morning I watch as they both prepare for the day. He has at least tried to get some rest though it was clear he had no intention on sleeping, which is the most I can hope for these days. He had resisted sleeping last night, as has been his want to do since the war. I do take some consolation in that he did get a few hours of sleep when he had slept with Rose. Her physical presence at his side had helped his unconscious mind not torment him at least for that short time.
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I awake comforted by the beautiful room the TARDIS has provided and I steel myself to put distance between the Doctor and myself. I feel like I have been hit by a double decked bus, but then sleeping in my clothes I am sure didn’t help me to sleep well. I drag myself out. The Doctor will want to head out someplace and, as he doesn’t sleep, well at least not often. I can’t help thinking about when I did see him sleeping; he looks so much younger when he’s sleeping though, like for a short time he has put down the weight of the universe. It was a precious gift he gave me to let his guard down enough to sleep where I could see him, a gift I proved yesterday I didn’t deserve. It would be so easy to let myself enjoy a physical relationship with him like we have started, but it truly would be so unfair to him I would just wind up getting him hurt again like yesterday or worse.
First a quick shower; can’t let him feel guilty about yet something else that wasn’t his fault. I don’t deserve the Doctor and I should be happy that he didn’t throw me out on my ear. I just have to remind myself he isn’t mine. I should be content to be Mickey’s girlfriend; he has been loyal even after being accused of murder while I was gone that year. Yet another man in my life I don’t deserve.
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Rose will be getting up soon, the day cycle has started and she will be heading for the kitchen for food. Best if I get there first, then I can be gone by the time she gets up. I roll out of bed and can’t help thinking with regret how much nicer it was those hours Rose shared it with me. I have to squelch those kinds of ideas. She doesn’t need some broken Time Lord making her life miserable. A bit of toast some nice jam and cup of Earl Grey. Just the ticket to get the day started.
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I watch, as they dance around each verbally neither speaking of what happened yesterday. It’s obvious they care, obvious how much their both hurting, yet neither seems willing to admit it any longer. This really won’t do; I know that they will get over this they have to.
Chapter 03 - New Dynamics
Moving Forward Index 1
I look up slowly, and I am surprised, as I don’t feel the anger I expected to feel, instead I feel something infinitely worse a soul deep sadness, pain that seems to go on forever and pity. I stand and walk to him taking his hand; yet again I have caused him pain. I have done this, I have reminded him of how much he has lost and my heart is breaking at how much I have hurt him again as we move to the TARDIS. We both need to get away from my dad’s death, away from where I killed both of them.
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I can feel the grief pouring off of her in waves, grief and guilt. So much like the pain I have lived with all theses month, it rips at my soul, washing away any residual anger I might have felt for her part in what had happened. She is trying so hard to be strong; oblivious of how much pain she is projecting. I don’t know what to say and she says nothing as I take us into the vortex.
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"I... I'll go pack," I can't look in his direction; I can't bear to see the pain, the disappointment I know I will see in his eyes. I don’t want to hear him agree with me that I should pack, I don’t want him to see me cry. I almost make it to the door of the control room when the last thing I expect happens. I feel him pull me into his arms and I want to just melt into them. I hadn't even heard him move across the room and for some reason that sticks in my head as my mind refuses to think about what else has happened.
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Her pain is tangible in the room and I ache for her wanting so very much to make that pain go away. She doesn’t deserve to have to pay for my mistakes. She isn’t the one with over 900 years experience with time travel. I can feel her tense as I pull her to a stop and turn her to me. I don’t try to look her in the eye, I don’t think I can handle seeing the hurt I have put there by my stupidity but I have to let her know that I don’t blame her, that she doesn’t have to leave. “Rose, you don’t have to pack.” I don’t think I could make her leave even if I wanted. In spite of what I had said earlier I couldn’t have left her there in that time. She was right in that, much as it had made me angry.
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“I’m so sorry!” I sob as I jerk away from him I don’t deserve his comfort, not after everything I have done. So I run to my room finally letting the tears fall.
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I stand there looking the direction she has run off, her pain is like an open wound in my mind and I don’t know how to make it up to her. Yes, she was wrong to try to save her dad, but how was she to know the trouble it would cause? She has seen me interfere, she didn’t know and I felt her confusion when I got angry and tried to explain earlier. I let her get too close to me and it has led me to do something stupid again, and yet again I have hurt her. Rassilion help me I have fallen for a 19-year-old human, and I can’t seem to handle things better then a hormonal, teenaged human male. I need to put distance between us, or I will just keep hurting her. I have always known that I needed to protect her from the things we encounter as we travel but I realize now that I am going to have to be stronger and protect her from me too, how am I going to win a fight on more then one front? Intergalactic history is littered with instances of where military men tried and failed. I don’t know how, but I have to at least try. It’s bad enough that I can’t leave her at home where she will be safe, but to take advantage of her kindness as I have these last few days. Well it will just have to stop. I can’t keep hurting her like this.
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He was just trying to be kind; he was feeling pity for me that was all that hug was. After months he finally admits how much he cares, he finally allows me inside his armor, makes love to me not once but twice and what do I do, I betray him, and get him killed; how much more stupid could I get. I tell him how much he means to me then turn around and do something to get him killed, with friends like me who needs enemies. Is it any wonder he didn’t follow me when I left the console room? How can I expect him to forget that I got him killed? I watched as that thing descended and ate him. I had heard it crunching on his bones before that bright light in its belly had finished him off; they all had seen what it did. He had died because he didn’t want me to have to watch my dad die. Dad told me that the Doctor had figured it out early on; he had known how to put everything back, to make it all right just like he always does. Yet instead of taking the easy route he had tried to find another way for me and as a result my selfishness had got him eaten. I don’t deserve that kind of caring. I’m just going to have to be more careful; he has been hurt by so much, lost so much it isn’t fair. He has given me the whole universe to explore showed me truly amazing things and what have I given him in return, misery and death. He protects the universe, so who protects him? I have got to do what ever I can to protect him, even if that means I have to protect him from me. I can’t let him get hurt trying to protect me.
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Theta and Rose are both miserable and I don’t know what to do for them. Rose cried for hours before finally crying herself to sleep and Theta, well he’s doing what he always does and has been pacing, fiddling and doing maintenance, even if I couldn’t feel his overwrought emotions the level of distress he is in would be obvious, showing itself clearly in his actions. I worry when finally he gives up all his usual distraction pursuits and heads for the gym. I try to send him comfort and he makes it clear it’s unwelcome. Hard headed Time Lord.
Theta is more athletic then virtually any Time Lord I had ever known. Gallifreyans were notorious for disliking exercise, their attitude had always been disdainful of physical exertion, and they had engineered their bodies to stay fit with almost no effort on their part considering exercise something for the lower species. With the life Theta lives he doesn’t need to go to the gym and has long held when asked by his companions why he even has a gym that it is for them. There are times like now though that he seeks comfort in physical exertion but I always worry when he heads there alone as he is far from kind to himself when he does, usually driving his body to pain and exhaustion. He rarely goes there alone unless he is very angry or very sad. Right now he is both and it worries me. His emotions are so raw. I thought things were getting better when he let Rose in; let her love him. Now everything is falling apart again.
I wonder if I should wake Rose take her to him, but if I do that he will be all that much more angry. I will hold off for now but if he begins to hurt himself by Rassilion I will. So I watch as he takes out his aggressions on the athletic equipment nearly knocking the stuffing out of the punching bag before he relents and moves on to something else. I watch as he aggressively tackles each piece of equipment, and I continue to watch until I can be silent no longer. ‘Theta,’ I can feel him ignoring me so I think a bit louder to him. ‘Theta?’ Finally he drops the weights he has been hefting.
‘What do you want?’ irritation clear in his thought
‘Theta you need to sleep.’
‘Why, you think I have not had enough for today?’ He says in obvious reference to his nightmares and I cringe as I realize how insensitive I am being having forgotten, but I can’t resist responding to his attitude. ‘No,’ I say with scorn ‘you need to rest, your body needs to rest it’s not exactly an everyday occurrence that you’re eaten alive by a Reaper.’
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Verity thinks she knows what is best for me. So I broadcast images of holding Rose, her tender compassion that has weakened my resistance to her and I barely suppress the moan of misery as I express my resolution to push her away. She has to know how I feel about the girl.
What does she think she can achieve pestering me about her. I messed up and yet again someone else is paying the price, and this time it’s Rose. I should take her home let her have a fantastic life before I destroy her, but I’m a coward and I want just to …
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I watch as he shows me his anguish over Rose and how his arms unconsciously come up to hug himself and I am not sure what to do for him. I don’t fully understand the bipeds and their hormone driven emotions but I know it hurts him and I don’t know what to do about his pain. He wants her so much. But after long moments when I am unable to give him any words to comfort he finally picks up his discarded jacket and jumper and stalks off for the shower in his room without thinking another word to me.
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As he moves off I sense he wasn’t going to listen to me even if I had had something to say to him. When he gets this way there is no reasoning with him, I only hope that he will at least try to get some rest and I prepare myself to do battle with his nightmares.
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The next morning I watch as they both prepare for the day. He has at least tried to get some rest though it was clear he had no intention on sleeping, which is the most I can hope for these days. He had resisted sleeping last night, as has been his want to do since the war. I do take some consolation in that he did get a few hours of sleep when he had slept with Rose. Her physical presence at his side had helped his unconscious mind not torment him at least for that short time.
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I awake comforted by the beautiful room the TARDIS has provided and I steel myself to put distance between the Doctor and myself. I feel like I have been hit by a double decked bus, but then sleeping in my clothes I am sure didn’t help me to sleep well. I drag myself out. The Doctor will want to head out someplace and, as he doesn’t sleep, well at least not often. I can’t help thinking about when I did see him sleeping; he looks so much younger when he’s sleeping though, like for a short time he has put down the weight of the universe. It was a precious gift he gave me to let his guard down enough to sleep where I could see him, a gift I proved yesterday I didn’t deserve. It would be so easy to let myself enjoy a physical relationship with him like we have started, but it truly would be so unfair to him I would just wind up getting him hurt again like yesterday or worse.
First a quick shower; can’t let him feel guilty about yet something else that wasn’t his fault. I don’t deserve the Doctor and I should be happy that he didn’t throw me out on my ear. I just have to remind myself he isn’t mine. I should be content to be Mickey’s girlfriend; he has been loyal even after being accused of murder while I was gone that year. Yet another man in my life I don’t deserve.
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Rose will be getting up soon, the day cycle has started and she will be heading for the kitchen for food. Best if I get there first, then I can be gone by the time she gets up. I roll out of bed and can’t help thinking with regret how much nicer it was those hours Rose shared it with me. I have to squelch those kinds of ideas. She doesn’t need some broken Time Lord making her life miserable. A bit of toast some nice jam and cup of Earl Grey. Just the ticket to get the day started.
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I watch, as they dance around each verbally neither speaking of what happened yesterday. It’s obvious they care, obvious how much their both hurting, yet neither seems willing to admit it any longer. This really won’t do; I know that they will get over this they have to.
Chapter 03 - New Dynamics
Moving Forward Index 1