Part 03 - Chapter 19 - Memories
As I wake this time I sense that it has only been a five hours since I was last conscious and I am cheered a bit as I know that means my system is starting to get back to normal.
My cheer doesn’t last, though, as it doesn't take more than a few minutes of hearing only Verity's quiet hum before all I want to do escape this place. The ghosts of all I have lost always seem so oppressively near here. I hate being in this room more than any other on the TARDIS because it contains so many reminders of how frequently have I failed and how many people died because of it in the war. Vividly painful memories haunt me: memories of my torment and fury in those first days after the war as I realized that against all the odds I had survived the death of my race; reminders of my shameful actions hurting Verity in my anguish close in on me; the crushing guilt of so much blood on my hands. The room is quickly becoming claustrophobic. I become conscious of the tears running down my face as the section of the ceiling I am staring at begins to blur; I hope Rose doesn't decide to check on me right now as I know it will upset her again. I just can’t take it any more, anything has got to be better than this, the physical pain it will take to move can't be worse than being trapped in here with my failures. Carefully I shield my mind from Verity hoping she will not immediately notice my absence.
At feeling Verity resting I feel a surge of anger how can she sleep while I am tormented by the ghosts of my past? Verity no longer trusts me to make choices for us, too often these days she feels she has a right to make decisions for me, without my consent. The worst part is she truly thinks she is helping. I know I lost any right to her loyalty when I died in here, yet still I feel keenly her betrayal. After knowing me as long she has you would think she would understand why I couldn’t bear to continue, why I made the choice I made, even the trauma of regeneration has only fractionally blunted the agony of knowing the destruction I caused.
Rassilion knows, she has always been far more opinionated than most TARDIS, it was part of what drew me to her in the first place. Her rebellious nature was so like my own when we were young... she was just as unwilling to accept the dictates of our people insisting we shouldn’t interfere, and how did they treat her? They had her decommissioned from active service. All these years later the irony is still not lost on me that it was that event that opened the door for both of us to escape their stuffy rules; so long ago now… How much things have changed now - I think either of us would give practically anything to spend a day with those pompous stuffed shirts, but not in those days. In her I had found a confidant, a coconspirator, and in those long lonely periods as we explored the universe alone, a true friend and my most faithful companion.
How very difficult those first few years were; I had become so inflexible in my opinions by the time we met late in my first regeneration. As time went on fortunately we began to understand each other better and since she has mostly deferred to my choices. She trusted me then... Once upon a time she rarely challenged my right to decide our destinations and I quickly learned that most of the times she did it was because we were desperately needed where she delivered us. Since the war things have been so different. I know I threw that relationship away when I wouldn’t let her comfort me, wouldn’t look beyond my own hurt to see how badly she was hurting. She is so angry at times now; the comfortable knowledge that she is willing to share everything is gone, burnt to ashes like the home I destroyed.
I don’t know what I would do without her; it scares me more than anything that she now hides things from me with this newfound willfulness and it makes me wonder if she too hates me for what happened in the war. I can’t blame her if she does, she has lost even more than I. I can’t bear to let her into the most private parts of my mind anymore; I have already hurt her too much. I am no longer sure who started to push away first, who withdrew out of that mental area we had shared that neither of us had chosen to hide in centuries. In spite of the loss of that level of intimacy neither of us can really handle being completely separated for extended periods without experiencing increasing feelings of panic. What we once had though is gone and she no longer trusts me the way she did. Right now I know she wants me in here where she can keep an eye on me but regardless of her opinions of me I still will make my own decisions, and right now I really need to be some place else, in spite of her desires for me to stay in the medical bay.
I slowly look around; Jack’s stretched out on one of the other beds. I smile as I notice Rose’s absence; he must have finally been able to get her to go to her room for some proper rest. At least I won't have to fight them over moving if I can keep quiet. If I can get to my room hopefully I will be able to get some rest as well. I can't suppress the feeling of trepidation when I think of how far I will need to go but being stuck here with my ghosts is worse. I can do this; I flex my left hand and flinch at the pain lancing up my arm.
It will take all of my concentration to be able to execute this move but what choice do I have? I can’t stay here. I bite my lip to suppress the cry I know I will otherwise utter at the even greater pain to come. Slowly I ease my arm into a position where I can use it to brace myself so I can get up. I try closing my eyes but, instead of helping, all it does is make things worse as the memory of carrying Fitz's broken lifeless body in here surges to the forefront of my mind. I had so hopped that I could at least return him to his own time for burial, yet one more choice that was stolen from me when, a week later Verity, was forced to jettison the cold storage in order to maintain her hull integrity. So much lost, too much lost, too many memories. I can't stay here...
I force myself up and the surge of pain is almost welcome as it washes away every other thought and feeling. The awareness of my own cry of pain too is lost in that sensation until I feel strong hands gripping my shoulders and I realize I must have cried out in spite of my best intentions. His grip causes new pain shock waves to ripple against my besieged senses and I struggle to stave off the wash of blackness; I grit my teeth, forcing myself to stay conscious and upright. I will never get out of here if I lose this battle.
I hear Jacks sharp demand, but at first the words have no meaning. As my brain catches up and the words sink in, "Doctor what the hell do you think your doing?" Forcing my eyes open I immediately wish I didn't as the room begins to spin, forcing me to close them again. I grit out the single word, "Out..." as a wave of nausea forces me gulp in air to suppress the urge to vomit. I try to fight as I feel him trying to press me back down to the bed. I have to make him understand I can't stay here. "Need out!"
I wince as I hear Rose's distressed cry of, "Doctor!" I snap open my eyes, seeking her out, begging her to help me. "Please!" Even as I say the word I realize the battle is lost as another wave of pain and nausea wash over me and my vision blacks out. I can no longer see them, yet I have to make one last plea though I am no longer sure who I entreat to help, "Need out..."
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I know I shouldn't have left him as soon as I hear his cry. Bolting from the kitchen I drop my tea in my need to get back to him. He is sitting up on the bed how he even managed to get to that position I’m not sure. I can’t suppress the involuntary gasp as I watch him struggling feebly against Jack's hold and realize that is the only thing between him and falling to the floor. So much desperation in his eyes as he pleads for escape and it wrenches at my heart. I stop short as I see ever so briefly a view of his room from the perspective of his bed. I jerk forward as the vision ends, the contact shattering as his eyes close and he slumps boneless into Jack's arms almost slipping from his grasp as he suddenly ceases struggling.
Jack's exclamation of, "Bloody Hell! What was that all about?" really comes as no surprise as it echo's my own sentiments, but suddenly the pieces click together and I realize the desire of his plea and I approach Jack he is gently settling the Doctor back into bed. He has an expression of utter confusion and frustrated anger on his face and I try to explain, "Jack we need to move him to his room.” before I really even think about what I am saying. “I'm not sure exactly what it is about being in here but he hates this room...” Taking a deep breath, I try to calm myself as I think of the way the Doctor has reacted so many times in the past. “…He avoids it.” I should have realized earlier but with everything that has happened I didn’t think and now he is paying the price for my stupidity. I can’t believe I hadn’t thought it through how much it might disturb him being in here, though I’m not going to be able to move him by myself. "Please Jack? He can’t stay here."
The look he gives me is measured and intense; I wonder if he is thinking about how stupid I am for forgetting something this important. I let lose the breath I realize I was holding as after a moment of searching my face, he nods and begins to collect the things that will need to move with the Doctor to care for him outside of the medical facility.
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I wake to the Doctors cry of pain and am half way to him before I register he is sitting up eyes glazed over in pain. I lunge forward and grab his shoulders as he begins to sway forward. How in the universe was he able to get this far without his system completely rebelling and him passing out? No wonders Time Lords have become legendary for their abilities! Only a very a few species would be able to survive what he has been through already, let alone be trying to move around after less than forty-eight hours of being so severely injured. What has him so agitated? Something is obviously driving him to be trying to get up. "Doctor what the hell do you think your doing?" If there is something threatening us I need to know whatever it is it seems he is the only one who can sense it, and he isn’t going to be able to handle it on his own in this condition. “Out…” Out what? Out where? “Need Out!!” Need what out?
Rose’s cry of distress distracts me only momentarily but I see their eyes connect for a moment and it seems in those few seconds like they have an entire conversation hopefully she can tell me what’s going on. "Please! Need out...” Suddenly he goes limp and I have to quickly readjust my grip to keep him from falling. What are we going to do now I don’t even know what it is he was on about?
"Bloody Hell! What was that all about?" I shout, not that I expect the now unconscious Time Lord to provide any more information. I get more of a reply than I expect though as Rose and Verity answer. Rose states looking incredibly guilty about something “Jack we need to move him to his room. I'm not sure exactly what it is about being in here but he hates this room...” she looks as if she is struggling with herself regarding telling me something she isn’t sure she should speak of but finally she quietly continues. “…He avoids it.” The look she gives me is heart wrenching. “Please Jack? He can’t stay here.”
What is she so torn up about? Why does she think he has to be moved out of the medical area? Her obvious caring convinces me even before I hear Verity’s quiet words. ‘Jack, Rose is correct he needs to be moved to another room.’ I can’t help the thought that comes unbidden ‘Why?’ Just as I think Verity won’t reply she states very quietly and with almost physically painful sadness, ‘He finds this area very… stressful’ her very reaction tells me that whatever the reason behind his outburst has to do with the war and asking any more isn’t really going to be beneficial. At least we’re not under attack. I start to collect the things that he will need.
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I am thankful that the Doctor has not woken again; I suspect it has little to do with him naturally sleeping and more that Verity has added some sort of sedative to his IV. I am thankful that after his bed bath he had shown me how to connect his IV so Verity would be able to assist in monitoring his pain levels. Even if he felt he had to justify it by saying how it would reduce the need for him to have to pester Rose or I. I wonder if they will ever give me the whole story as to why he needs to be moved; I doubt it.
At this point it’s probably for the best if it will keep him from trying to get up and move around before his body is ready to cope with those activities. Verity assures me she is going to connect the medical area directly to his bedroom, which tells me he is far from out of the woods. I wonder what else she may not be telling me. I just hope Rose will at least try to rest even if it means having her crawl in bed with him to keep them both still. I am positive now it wouldn't be the first time as I notice a few small possessions belonging to Rose as I enter his room and in spite of the almost empty room there is a queen size bed which seems to be the only really noticeable luxury. I roll the bed he is on from the medical room into his bedroom noticing the small IV hook up near the head of the bed and after settling the doctor in his own bed I move the connecter which I am sure is not normally a part of his room decor. As I turn to return the medical bed I find it has attached itself to the wall near the head of the bed.
Checking around I find a door to the right of the one I had entered in that contains a small ensuite equipped with hospital type railings and small two person shower containing a built in seat which I suspect has also been altered to meet the current needs of the Doctor. 'Thank you Verity'
Her only reply is a gentle hum.
As I reenter the bedroom I discover Rose has done as I suspected she would and crawled in next to the Doctor. She is quietly murmuring soothing words as she runs her fingers across his brow and down his left arm; the intimacy of that simple action makes me feel like I am intruding and so without a backward glance I move off to collect a few additional items from the medical area.
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I am furious with Theta and furious with myself - how could I have been so stupid as to think these humans would be able to manage his care alone? Stubborn, stubborn Time Lord! I want to stay mad at him but I know better. The war has taken such a toll on him, even before the end he had isolated himself trying to protect those he cared about by pushing them away, forcing himself to rely only on what he and I could accomplish. Too many disappointments and too much death has taught him that no one else could be depended on to be there to help. Lessons he urgently needs to unlearn right now. He doesn't function well in isolation, never did that is why so much of the time we have traveled with companions to distract him from his loneliness and insecurities. So even as I want to scream in frustration at his latest actions I understand far better than I think he likes why he does these stupid things. At least if they hadn't figured it out before Rose and Jack both know now how stupid he can get regarding his own health.
As Jack collects the items he will need I add a light sedative to Theta's IV which should help them be able to get him moved with out waking him. How could I have forgotten something as basic as the reaction he has to spending extended periods in the med bay? Well at least he is out of there now. In his own room he will rest better though I am not amused one bit by the set back to his healing and we will definitely be speaking when next he wakes.
Chapter 20 - Rest & Recovery
Moving Forward Index 1