Part 03 - Chapter 21 - Lessons
Chapter 21 - Lessons: The Doctor learns to accept and starts Rose on her own lessons.
It has been a frustrating morning but that can't be helped. Any morning you have to ask for help just to get to the loo is bound to be bad. Once they got me back in that bloody wheel chair, do they do as I ask and take me back to bed? No, they have to drag me off to the kitchen to eat breakfast. Breakfast is a nice cuppa before heading off to parts unseen, not that ridiculous multi-part job that Jack cooked up. It was all good, but the indignity of having to be fed like a baby was depressing
They were both good about not giving me any grief; in spite of the amount of time it took for me to eat. The way my jaw had been repeatedly broken caused significant nerve damage and biting down was now a painful and difficult chore, like so many other things. Finally I could take no more and demanded they bring me back here.
Now I lie here and I stare at my hands. The fingers are straight and unbroken now and look as they have since I first laid eyes on them, but all it takes is a small bit of movement to put a lie to the illusion of health. Somehow it seems fitting right now that I should feel this pain.
Illusion is what I am all about after all; the illusion that I deserve to have Rose and Jack here to care for me. The illusion that I am okay, that I know what I am doing. The illusion that I am not as damaged as my hands still feel; I am so very tired, not just in body but in mind. Yet I can't just close my eyes and stop moving for fear of the night terrors that rip at my subconscious and torment my sleep. I clench my fists and feel the brutal flare of pain that accompanies that action. I could force myself to stay awake like this for days if I needed to but even that escape from my nightmares, if you can call it that, will not be allowed as Rose enters and I can't bring myself to do something that will distress her. Rose - my beacon of light and joy in the darkness.
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As I enter I see he is curled up on his side and I wince as I see the pain on his face and notice his hands curled tight. His eyes are scrunched shut in distress.
"Doctor?" I ask quietly in hopes he is awake and watch as a transformation occurs, like a flash as his beautiful blue eyes pop open and he relaxes and puts a cheery smile up for me to see.
Even with these changes though, there is still a bleak sadness in his eyes that I would love to banish. So I return his smile with one of my own. I resist the urge to ask how he is doing as I can tell already he is tired of us asking.
"I brought you some juice. Verity says it will help you feel better and it is full of all kinds of good stuff."
"In other words, it's most likely going to taste dreadful," he replies sarcastically.
"Can't say, but it does smell good." I hesitate before I tell him the next bit, as I know how he dreads the nightmares. "She said it will make you sleepy though." At that he throws a sour look at the ceiling at which I hurry on to say, "But I will stay with you." With that he gives me the genuine smile I so love to see. Coming to the bed I put the glass down on the small table near by and crawl in bed with him.
Having talked with Verity before I came back I knew I would be staying in his room again for an extended bit, so I had stopped back at my own to pick up my joggers, knowing they will be far warmer to sleep in than his thin blankets. I have no delusions about the likelihood of him suffering nightmares after everything he has been through.
As I scoot in a bit closer, I roll over and get his drink. He looks at it like it contains poison, but he takes the glass anyway, quickly drinks down the contents and hands it back as if he can't get rid of it fast enough. Quickly I put it back on the nightstand and roll back to get nearer to him. All the time I feel his eyes on me. "I'm not going anywhere," I assure him. I'm not completely sure he believes me but I can tell he wants to.
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I hear her soft call and I can't help but respond to the distress in her voice. I give her my best smile as I quickly put back on the mask of normality, illusion; it is what I do best after all. I can't resist the snarky comment though as she tells me about the drink Verity has concocted for me, but I do know Verity tries.
Verity's soft comment is not scolding me for my sarcasm, but worse, in it is her sadness. 'There is only so much I can hide when you can analyze things simply by tasting them.'
'I know love and if there is anyone in the universe I can trust to try to take of me I know it's you.' To prove my point I take the glass Rose proffers and drink it down, trying to show both of them in that act that I do trust them, knowing Rose will wake me if I start having a nightmare and Verity will protect her from any unconscious broadcasting I might do in my sleep. Between the two I may actually have a chance at some rest. I'm not holding breath on it though. As feel Rose carefully snuggle next to me, I close my eyes and hope for the best as I feel the sedative and pain killers begin to take effect even as my body begins to absorb the much-needed nutrients.
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I watch the interaction between Theta and Rose and mentally sigh as they settle down to rest. I know Theta is aware that I follow his thoughts and am reading his mind, and doesn't like it, but he doesn't lock me out either. After nearly losing him and his actions recently I need the comfort of hearing him knowing that he is okay even if I don't like what he is thinking. As long as I leave him to his own thoughts as sad as they are at times he won't keep me out. Yet another reason I love him; that he cares enough to allow me this comfort in spite of his own dislike of my fussing.
I am distracted from my thoughts as I feel Jack caressing my console edge and talking to me. "It's going to be okay Verity. Not like you're alone, you have Rose and I to help now. We all care about him and you saw as well as I that he is improving."
I'm not sure what to say to this, it is so unusual for humans to be so bold at speaking with me, so many not being able to get used to the idea of me being alive. But Jack is showing once again that he is not like everyone else and it feels nicer than I thought it would to know someone besides Theta accepts me for who I am. 'I know Jack. How did you know I was thinking about that?'
"I heard the sound of your engines change and you sounded sad."
'I... Most humans can't.'
"Not a lot of purebred humans left by my time. Always have heard a bit more then most." He says this with such sadness it is obvious he has heard more than one conversation he wishes he hadn't.
"I bet he can tell by just listening where something is wrong, can't he?"
It's true, but not something I care to share with Jack. I don't tell Theta's secrets any more than I expect him to tell mine; if Theta wants to tell him he will. When I don't answer he says, "You love him don't you? He seems to have at affect on people, either they love him or loath him."
I answer his question with a question this time. 'What about you Jack?'
His reply is an awkward smile, "I think that should be obvious by now, Ms. Verity"
He is right in this, it is obvious he too has fallen for Theta's charms and I feel sorry for him. Theta is so wrapped up in Rose that no one else is ever going to be able to take her place. She has captured both his hearts leaving no room for anyone else, that at times it seems to include me as well. It has become more than obvious he would do anything for her. I just hope that I will be able to pick up the pieces when her human body fails, as all humans do so quickly and he loses her.
"Rose finally get him to sleep?"
'Yes. She is staying with him though, to wake him if needed.'
"Good, they both need the rest."
His consideration of our needs makes me wonder. 'What do you need Jack?'
He is silent for so long I wonder if he will answer at all. His reply though tells me nothing. "I'm good." I suspect it's like Theta's 'I'm fine' - it's something he says when he can't or won't admit to things. In some ways Jack and he are quite alike in terms of their coping and it saddens me that he doesn't have someone. I wish that I could make this better for him.
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Four hours later I wake as I feel Rose's distress and find I have wrapped myself around her in my sleep and am using her chest as a pillow.
As she realizes I am awake she quickly but carefully disentangles herself before dashing for the ensuite with a quick, "Sorry!"
I can't help the bemused expression I get when I realize why she had been in distress.
She emerges a few minutes later looking disheveled yet oh so lovely. "Nothing to be sorry about, I didn't intend to pin you down like that, though I have to admit it is a lovely way to wake. Well not the whole you needing the loo thing but sleeping with you." I actually feel a bit embarrassed about how much I crawled over her in my sleep, but I am thankful she let me do so as I realize that I didn’t wake once from a nightmare and smile.
"You were sleeping so nicely I hated to wake you, as to pinning me," the look she gives me I am sure must be illegal for indecency on at least a thousand planets and that lick and tongue poke on a few thousand more "You can pin me any time you like."
"Are you trying to seduce me, Ms. Tyler?"
"Is it working?" I shiver as her eyes flick down for a moment and across my body before returning to my face a moment later with less seduction and more concern as I sense her remembering exactly why she had been in my room.
"Yes, just fine." I smile, trying to recapture the light moment. "Come back to bed and check me out?" I state with slight leer.
Her steps are hesitant as she returns and her smile timid. As she returns I realize I am actually feeling quite a bit better, many of the areas on the trunk of my body have made significant progress in their healing and as Rose crawls back in to the bed I am very happy for that.
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I wake with the need for the loo but as I feel how he has sprawled across me and looking down at the relaxed and peaceful expression on his face I can't bear the thought of waking him. So instead I try to think of something else but the more I try to think of something else, the more I need to go.
When I reenter the room he is still on his side, his light blankets barely high enough to cover his modesty and making him an oh so yummy vision of sexy male, firm sculpted muscles, and a chest that begs to be touched and his intense beautiful eyes. His mostly exposed state and his light teasing make me forget for a moment the horrors of the last couple of days. Then as I look down his frame and, on seeing his hands, I hesitate as I remember exactly how close I have come to losing him recently. I want to touch him, but he has been through so much and I know his hands are just beginning to heal. It was not lost on me the relief he showed when a mere four hours ago he had released his clenched hands as he tried to pretend he hadn't been doing so.
When he invites me back to bed I don't resist, as what better way then to find out exactly what level his healing is at, and with Verity's help I can do that.
'Verity?'
'Yes, Rose'
'Can you help me feel what he does?'
'Rose, ask him to show you himself, that isn't my place. If he wants you to know he will show you.' I feel her intense disapproval at my request.
I am not happy at her response but at the same time I know it was right that she should refuse, even if it would have made things simpler.
As I crawl into bed I ask, "Doctor, can I touch you?"
"You need to ask now?" he says, with just enough sarcasm to cover what was rapidly becoming an awkward moment.
Instead I lean in and kiss him at the same time I gently press and caress his shoulder to encourage him to lie back. Feeling him tense beneath my fingers, as he has to move his feet to accommodate his change of position, I am glad when he relaxes again as he finishes moving to his back. As the need for air takes hold of me I release him.
"Not that I'm objecting, but what was that for?"
"I wanted to, you're looking rather kissable at the moment."
"I am?" Surprise and disbelief are evident in his voice.
"Yes! Very much so." I run my fingers along his jaw and the start of a beard there then up to gently touch his temple. "Let me in?" at his hesitant confused look I clarify, "I want to touch you without hurting you. I want to..." Embarrassment stalls my words there are a lot of things I want to do but mostly I want him healthy and happy and to know for certain that he really is better not just saying so to comfort me.
The confusion clears, "Rose I..."
"Please? I just want you to feel better, for you to have a bit of pleasure to think about instead of the pain." He hesitates a moment longer, then I feel the gentle tickle in my mind that I have come to associate with him. Moving my hand down his face I caress it gently and feel the sensation as well as the contentment at the action and hope he can feel how happy it makes me.
'I can,' is his gentle reply, which makes me smile like a loon. My smile fades some when he smiles back and I feel the discomfort and pain in his jaw. No, not so much pain but a stretching an over used muscle kind of feeling that is just one step removed from pain.
"Rose, this isn't a good idea, I appreciate your thought but..." I kiss him to stop his words. He looks at me as if he isn't sure what to do.
I feel his reluctance to let go of the connection, but there is also worry there. "Doctor, talk to me, what is it? Are you worried I will hurt you?"
"No." His response to that is intense and clear and I am glad it's not that.
"Then what is it?"
The look he gives me makes my heart ache with its vulnerability and his words when he speaks are so soft I barely make them out. "Don't want to hurt you."
"You won't!" His eyes fix on the bruise on my arm where he had grabbed me while trying to escape his nightmare. "You would never have hurt me intentionally, I know that."
"Rose, you have no way to keep me from hurting you even unintentionally. You say you want this connection yet it is dangerous for you. I could so easily hurt you not intending to, especially now. You saw what happened with the nightmare. You didn't know how to shut me out and I hurt you in that way to. What happened with the Essarrians, it could have been so much worse, they at least aren't telepaths.”
“Your exposure to both Verity and I has made you more vulnerable because your natural inclination to block someone out has been compromised. Verity and I have been protecting you so far but there will be times when we can't."
"Then teach me! Don't just push me away."
"You won't like it."
"Let me worry about that. Now what do I need to do?"
"First I need you to imagine you’re in a room."
So I think of the room we are in. "No, I need you to think of someplace where you feel safe, like you could close the door and no one could ever hurt you."
I open my eyes and look directly in him "That's right here." I feel his surprise at that comment but he looks away for a moment and he say nothing.
Taking a deep breath he begins again. "Okay, I want you to picture a door. Everyone and everything goes outside of that door. That includes me to Rose."
I open my eyes to look at him. "But I don't..."
"You won't be safe from me until you can keep me out as well." His blue eyes are intense and I can feel how desperately he wants this and can't deny him.
"Okay." As I close my eyes I again visualize the room we are sharing and this time he is there in the room and turns and walks out the doorway I have constructed. As he does I feel him pulling back and closing the connection and can't help the feeling of loss I almost always feel as he leaves.
"Concentrate, Rose." At his gentle words, I refocus on the task at hand.
"I am going to try to enter and I need you to keep that door shut."
I picture locking the door and leaning against it but a moment later he is there striding in as if I had made no effort at all and for a moment I am afraid as I realize how easily he stepped within. I want to believe it was just because it was him, but I know with a sickening sense of certainty that it wasn't.
Chapter 22 - Learning and Trust
Moving Forward Index 1
It has been a frustrating morning but that can't be helped. Any morning you have to ask for help just to get to the loo is bound to be bad. Once they got me back in that bloody wheel chair, do they do as I ask and take me back to bed? No, they have to drag me off to the kitchen to eat breakfast. Breakfast is a nice cuppa before heading off to parts unseen, not that ridiculous multi-part job that Jack cooked up. It was all good, but the indignity of having to be fed like a baby was depressing
They were both good about not giving me any grief; in spite of the amount of time it took for me to eat. The way my jaw had been repeatedly broken caused significant nerve damage and biting down was now a painful and difficult chore, like so many other things. Finally I could take no more and demanded they bring me back here.
Now I lie here and I stare at my hands. The fingers are straight and unbroken now and look as they have since I first laid eyes on them, but all it takes is a small bit of movement to put a lie to the illusion of health. Somehow it seems fitting right now that I should feel this pain.
Illusion is what I am all about after all; the illusion that I deserve to have Rose and Jack here to care for me. The illusion that I am okay, that I know what I am doing. The illusion that I am not as damaged as my hands still feel; I am so very tired, not just in body but in mind. Yet I can't just close my eyes and stop moving for fear of the night terrors that rip at my subconscious and torment my sleep. I clench my fists and feel the brutal flare of pain that accompanies that action. I could force myself to stay awake like this for days if I needed to but even that escape from my nightmares, if you can call it that, will not be allowed as Rose enters and I can't bring myself to do something that will distress her. Rose - my beacon of light and joy in the darkness.
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As I enter I see he is curled up on his side and I wince as I see the pain on his face and notice his hands curled tight. His eyes are scrunched shut in distress.
"Doctor?" I ask quietly in hopes he is awake and watch as a transformation occurs, like a flash as his beautiful blue eyes pop open and he relaxes and puts a cheery smile up for me to see.
Even with these changes though, there is still a bleak sadness in his eyes that I would love to banish. So I return his smile with one of my own. I resist the urge to ask how he is doing as I can tell already he is tired of us asking.
"I brought you some juice. Verity says it will help you feel better and it is full of all kinds of good stuff."
"In other words, it's most likely going to taste dreadful," he replies sarcastically.
"Can't say, but it does smell good." I hesitate before I tell him the next bit, as I know how he dreads the nightmares. "She said it will make you sleepy though." At that he throws a sour look at the ceiling at which I hurry on to say, "But I will stay with you." With that he gives me the genuine smile I so love to see. Coming to the bed I put the glass down on the small table near by and crawl in bed with him.
Having talked with Verity before I came back I knew I would be staying in his room again for an extended bit, so I had stopped back at my own to pick up my joggers, knowing they will be far warmer to sleep in than his thin blankets. I have no delusions about the likelihood of him suffering nightmares after everything he has been through.
As I scoot in a bit closer, I roll over and get his drink. He looks at it like it contains poison, but he takes the glass anyway, quickly drinks down the contents and hands it back as if he can't get rid of it fast enough. Quickly I put it back on the nightstand and roll back to get nearer to him. All the time I feel his eyes on me. "I'm not going anywhere," I assure him. I'm not completely sure he believes me but I can tell he wants to.
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I hear her soft call and I can't help but respond to the distress in her voice. I give her my best smile as I quickly put back on the mask of normality, illusion; it is what I do best after all. I can't resist the snarky comment though as she tells me about the drink Verity has concocted for me, but I do know Verity tries.
Verity's soft comment is not scolding me for my sarcasm, but worse, in it is her sadness. 'There is only so much I can hide when you can analyze things simply by tasting them.'
'I know love and if there is anyone in the universe I can trust to try to take of me I know it's you.' To prove my point I take the glass Rose proffers and drink it down, trying to show both of them in that act that I do trust them, knowing Rose will wake me if I start having a nightmare and Verity will protect her from any unconscious broadcasting I might do in my sleep. Between the two I may actually have a chance at some rest. I'm not holding breath on it though. As feel Rose carefully snuggle next to me, I close my eyes and hope for the best as I feel the sedative and pain killers begin to take effect even as my body begins to absorb the much-needed nutrients.
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I watch the interaction between Theta and Rose and mentally sigh as they settle down to rest. I know Theta is aware that I follow his thoughts and am reading his mind, and doesn't like it, but he doesn't lock me out either. After nearly losing him and his actions recently I need the comfort of hearing him knowing that he is okay even if I don't like what he is thinking. As long as I leave him to his own thoughts as sad as they are at times he won't keep me out. Yet another reason I love him; that he cares enough to allow me this comfort in spite of his own dislike of my fussing.
I am distracted from my thoughts as I feel Jack caressing my console edge and talking to me. "It's going to be okay Verity. Not like you're alone, you have Rose and I to help now. We all care about him and you saw as well as I that he is improving."
I'm not sure what to say to this, it is so unusual for humans to be so bold at speaking with me, so many not being able to get used to the idea of me being alive. But Jack is showing once again that he is not like everyone else and it feels nicer than I thought it would to know someone besides Theta accepts me for who I am. 'I know Jack. How did you know I was thinking about that?'
"I heard the sound of your engines change and you sounded sad."
'I... Most humans can't.'
"Not a lot of purebred humans left by my time. Always have heard a bit more then most." He says this with such sadness it is obvious he has heard more than one conversation he wishes he hadn't.
"I bet he can tell by just listening where something is wrong, can't he?"
It's true, but not something I care to share with Jack. I don't tell Theta's secrets any more than I expect him to tell mine; if Theta wants to tell him he will. When I don't answer he says, "You love him don't you? He seems to have at affect on people, either they love him or loath him."
I answer his question with a question this time. 'What about you Jack?'
His reply is an awkward smile, "I think that should be obvious by now, Ms. Verity"
He is right in this, it is obvious he too has fallen for Theta's charms and I feel sorry for him. Theta is so wrapped up in Rose that no one else is ever going to be able to take her place. She has captured both his hearts leaving no room for anyone else, that at times it seems to include me as well. It has become more than obvious he would do anything for her. I just hope that I will be able to pick up the pieces when her human body fails, as all humans do so quickly and he loses her.
"Rose finally get him to sleep?"
'Yes. She is staying with him though, to wake him if needed.'
"Good, they both need the rest."
His consideration of our needs makes me wonder. 'What do you need Jack?'
He is silent for so long I wonder if he will answer at all. His reply though tells me nothing. "I'm good." I suspect it's like Theta's 'I'm fine' - it's something he says when he can't or won't admit to things. In some ways Jack and he are quite alike in terms of their coping and it saddens me that he doesn't have someone. I wish that I could make this better for him.
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Four hours later I wake as I feel Rose's distress and find I have wrapped myself around her in my sleep and am using her chest as a pillow.
As she realizes I am awake she quickly but carefully disentangles herself before dashing for the ensuite with a quick, "Sorry!"
I can't help the bemused expression I get when I realize why she had been in distress.
She emerges a few minutes later looking disheveled yet oh so lovely. "Nothing to be sorry about, I didn't intend to pin you down like that, though I have to admit it is a lovely way to wake. Well not the whole you needing the loo thing but sleeping with you." I actually feel a bit embarrassed about how much I crawled over her in my sleep, but I am thankful she let me do so as I realize that I didn’t wake once from a nightmare and smile.
"You were sleeping so nicely I hated to wake you, as to pinning me," the look she gives me I am sure must be illegal for indecency on at least a thousand planets and that lick and tongue poke on a few thousand more "You can pin me any time you like."
"Are you trying to seduce me, Ms. Tyler?"
"Is it working?" I shiver as her eyes flick down for a moment and across my body before returning to my face a moment later with less seduction and more concern as I sense her remembering exactly why she had been in my room.
"Yes, just fine." I smile, trying to recapture the light moment. "Come back to bed and check me out?" I state with slight leer.
Her steps are hesitant as she returns and her smile timid. As she returns I realize I am actually feeling quite a bit better, many of the areas on the trunk of my body have made significant progress in their healing and as Rose crawls back in to the bed I am very happy for that.
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I wake with the need for the loo but as I feel how he has sprawled across me and looking down at the relaxed and peaceful expression on his face I can't bear the thought of waking him. So instead I try to think of something else but the more I try to think of something else, the more I need to go.
When I reenter the room he is still on his side, his light blankets barely high enough to cover his modesty and making him an oh so yummy vision of sexy male, firm sculpted muscles, and a chest that begs to be touched and his intense beautiful eyes. His mostly exposed state and his light teasing make me forget for a moment the horrors of the last couple of days. Then as I look down his frame and, on seeing his hands, I hesitate as I remember exactly how close I have come to losing him recently. I want to touch him, but he has been through so much and I know his hands are just beginning to heal. It was not lost on me the relief he showed when a mere four hours ago he had released his clenched hands as he tried to pretend he hadn't been doing so.
When he invites me back to bed I don't resist, as what better way then to find out exactly what level his healing is at, and with Verity's help I can do that.
'Verity?'
'Yes, Rose'
'Can you help me feel what he does?'
'Rose, ask him to show you himself, that isn't my place. If he wants you to know he will show you.' I feel her intense disapproval at my request.
I am not happy at her response but at the same time I know it was right that she should refuse, even if it would have made things simpler.
As I crawl into bed I ask, "Doctor, can I touch you?"
"You need to ask now?" he says, with just enough sarcasm to cover what was rapidly becoming an awkward moment.
Instead I lean in and kiss him at the same time I gently press and caress his shoulder to encourage him to lie back. Feeling him tense beneath my fingers, as he has to move his feet to accommodate his change of position, I am glad when he relaxes again as he finishes moving to his back. As the need for air takes hold of me I release him.
"Not that I'm objecting, but what was that for?"
"I wanted to, you're looking rather kissable at the moment."
"I am?" Surprise and disbelief are evident in his voice.
"Yes! Very much so." I run my fingers along his jaw and the start of a beard there then up to gently touch his temple. "Let me in?" at his hesitant confused look I clarify, "I want to touch you without hurting you. I want to..." Embarrassment stalls my words there are a lot of things I want to do but mostly I want him healthy and happy and to know for certain that he really is better not just saying so to comfort me.
The confusion clears, "Rose I..."
"Please? I just want you to feel better, for you to have a bit of pleasure to think about instead of the pain." He hesitates a moment longer, then I feel the gentle tickle in my mind that I have come to associate with him. Moving my hand down his face I caress it gently and feel the sensation as well as the contentment at the action and hope he can feel how happy it makes me.
'I can,' is his gentle reply, which makes me smile like a loon. My smile fades some when he smiles back and I feel the discomfort and pain in his jaw. No, not so much pain but a stretching an over used muscle kind of feeling that is just one step removed from pain.
"Rose, this isn't a good idea, I appreciate your thought but..." I kiss him to stop his words. He looks at me as if he isn't sure what to do.
I feel his reluctance to let go of the connection, but there is also worry there. "Doctor, talk to me, what is it? Are you worried I will hurt you?"
"No." His response to that is intense and clear and I am glad it's not that.
"Then what is it?"
The look he gives me makes my heart ache with its vulnerability and his words when he speaks are so soft I barely make them out. "Don't want to hurt you."
"You won't!" His eyes fix on the bruise on my arm where he had grabbed me while trying to escape his nightmare. "You would never have hurt me intentionally, I know that."
"Rose, you have no way to keep me from hurting you even unintentionally. You say you want this connection yet it is dangerous for you. I could so easily hurt you not intending to, especially now. You saw what happened with the nightmare. You didn't know how to shut me out and I hurt you in that way to. What happened with the Essarrians, it could have been so much worse, they at least aren't telepaths.”
“Your exposure to both Verity and I has made you more vulnerable because your natural inclination to block someone out has been compromised. Verity and I have been protecting you so far but there will be times when we can't."
"Then teach me! Don't just push me away."
"You won't like it."
"Let me worry about that. Now what do I need to do?"
"First I need you to imagine you’re in a room."
So I think of the room we are in. "No, I need you to think of someplace where you feel safe, like you could close the door and no one could ever hurt you."
I open my eyes and look directly in him "That's right here." I feel his surprise at that comment but he looks away for a moment and he say nothing.
Taking a deep breath he begins again. "Okay, I want you to picture a door. Everyone and everything goes outside of that door. That includes me to Rose."
I open my eyes to look at him. "But I don't..."
"You won't be safe from me until you can keep me out as well." His blue eyes are intense and I can feel how desperately he wants this and can't deny him.
"Okay." As I close my eyes I again visualize the room we are sharing and this time he is there in the room and turns and walks out the doorway I have constructed. As he does I feel him pulling back and closing the connection and can't help the feeling of loss I almost always feel as he leaves.
"Concentrate, Rose." At his gentle words, I refocus on the task at hand.
"I am going to try to enter and I need you to keep that door shut."
I picture locking the door and leaning against it but a moment later he is there striding in as if I had made no effort at all and for a moment I am afraid as I realize how easily he stepped within. I want to believe it was just because it was him, but I know with a sickening sense of certainty that it wasn't.
Chapter 22 - Learning and Trust
Moving Forward Index 1