Part 04 - Chapter 09 - Reflections
I breathe in with sudden intense pain which although fading makes me wonder what the hell is going on, last thing I remember is three Daleks closing in and firing. Which isn't possible - I would be dead. Now all I see is three piles of ash where they once were menacing me. I was... THE DOCTOR! Even as I run for the control room I know I am too late as I hear the sounds of Verity taking off. Why? Why did they leave me here? For that matter, how did Verity get back here? He said he sent her and Rose away. I thought he had ensured that at least Rose would be safe. Maybe she is, maybe Verity had something to do about the piles of dust I am finding everywhere. But why would she, why would they, leave me behind? They must have thought me dead, but she's a time machine, wouldn't she know? Why would they just leave me here? I feel the oddest feeing and the gentle caress of a mind. 'Verity?'
'Jack, I am sorry we must leave you here. Please don't be mad at the Doctor. I can't give him a choice in this. I hope you will eventually forgive us for what is to come. But the Earth desperately needs your help and you are uniquely qualified. Know this though; there will come a day when we meet again, when the time is right, and that we love you; till then.' With that the warmth I have associated with the Doctor's beautiful time ship is gone.
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It has been three days since my whole life changed. I look into the depths of my mirror, yet I still can find no visible changes saying ‘here is a non-human’, same as yesterday, as I stared at my reflection before retiring. It just seems like there should be something. I still look like the young shop girl I once was, but I long ago quit thinking of myself like that. It’s hard to believe I’m no longer human - never in my wildest dreams did I even consider that I would ever be anything other than human, the thought had just never even occurred me, why should it? Not like you hear that every day - Oh last week I became another species! Then again, I’m not most people; I travel with the most amazing beings in the universe, a living, sentient time machine and a Time Lord, each when I met them the last of their kind. Even after traveling with Theta for close to two years, with all the strange and wonderful things we have seen and done, I still never expected anything like this to happen.
I place my hand on my chest and I feel the smooth double heart beat quietly attesting to the changes I have undergone. I close my eyes and the feel of the vortex on my skin to reminds me I no longer live in only one body, but two. My fragile human body consumed, unable to take the strain of the vortex, my brain unable to deal with the merging of my human Rose consciousness and my Verity TARDIS mind, as I became Bad Wolf. Verity had explained what the consequences would be before she finally relented and told me what would need to happen in order for us to get the access panel to open. I also know now the pain ripping that panel open caused her and that Verity would do anything to protect our Theta, but she would have let them both die rather than force that decision on me; it wasn’t in her to do something that would destroy someone she loved that much. There are some lines that are never meant to be crossed - stealing another’s life is one of those lines. She knows how much I mean to Theta and trying to force this on me, would have killed him in a far worse way than the Daleks. So she had insisted I know before we merged and that I truly understood what the consequence would be to both of us.
Verity had known for a very long time that day would come and had gladly accepted this change when the White Guardian had proposed the plan, and as a result he had begun then to make changes for her to be able to merge in just this way. Verity knew the cost; we would be bound together, forever. She would be merged with a human and no longer be just a TARDIS, even as I would no longer be human but have to have a Gallifreyan physiology in order to survive the merging. Both portions of my new unified self had felt the price was more than worth it for our Theta, who has repeatedly sacrificed everything for others. Memories, that are new to me, show me how Verity had loved him almost from that first moment when he had come aboard her with the Hand of Omega, whose energy had given her a new life.
I, Rose, had fallen for the Doctor almost as quickly and though I only had a brief time to make the decision for this joining, it was a simple choice, as I was willing to die rather than see my Doctor permanently lost. I had made my choice long before we became lovers and I understood when Verity had explained it had been a gift of the White Guardian, changing Verity as he had and showing her the way to Theta's survival.
Even with all of this I still don’t know how to tell him and I know it will only be a matter of time till the secret I, Rose/Verity/Bad Wolf, have will be a secret no longer. He proved that today when he defeated the Sycorax. He is healing far more rapidly now that the last vestiges of the vortex energy have been consumed. The shock of losing his hand in the sword battle had forced a mini regeneration to replace the amputated limb. This was something else I had done as Bad Wolf, seeing that he would be crippled by the injury otherwise, we had manipulating the events that would ensure he would be unharmed other than the initial trauma of the losing his hand and at the same time guaranteeing that all the extra energy he had absorbed was consumed. We had not consciously remembered doing any of that until the events unfold in front of our horrified eyes, causing an intense sense of déjà vu and making us wonder what other ‘Easter eggs’ we had peppered our future lives with, just waiting for the right combination of events to occur to unlock them.
I can only guess that the reason he doesn't know already is because of his exposure to the time Vortex. My Rose body shivers even as the hum of my engines shifts in our distress, that had been too close for comfort and he has been sick for the last two days causing us to fret. So scattered, it's the one thing that has been so difficult in this transition, our concentration has been rubbish.
My fingers move to my lips as I remember that kiss he gave us, in a way the first we have shared. The intensity of his love had been almost tangible, the sure and certain knowledge he loved our Rose body enough to die for her. I can't help but wonder if he will feel the same once he understands what I have become, he was after all willing to let my Verity self die while trying to ensure my Rose self’s safety.
Logically, I know he was trying to save whom he could; unaware of the changes the Guardian had made that would allow her, me, to be able to live on independently. Unless drastic actions were taken, often a bonded TARDIS would self-destruct and so blocks had been built in by the Time Lords to prevent a TARDIS from acting on those desires until a new bond could be forged to help them get through their loss. Theta had known there would be no such option for Verity and had given her a choice even if he were to die. It had been obvious that he hoped we could bond, but he also had cared enough to give Verity the choice even knowing what he suspected that choice would be; in spite of that, as illogical as I know it to be, it still hurts. Now that we are one, will he hate us for stealing his Rose, for changing her or will he understand how much we both love him?
Finally I give up brooding about this, as I did yesterday, and turn off the light.
As I lie here, we can't help but try to catalogue the feelings, emotions and sensations; there are so many new ones and we feel incredibly stimulated just in this existence. Tonight we completely gave up on nightclothes in favor of the decadent feeling of moving the new body across silky sheets. Climbing into bed we can't help the thrill of pleasure that runs through us, at the delicious friction of the fabric, of everything feeling so different through new senses.
The Rose part of me has marveled at, and been seduced by, the delicious friction over our TARDIS skin and the warp of reality laid out to us via our TARDIS senses as well as the new joys found in language and in the precision of math. At the same time our Verity self has reveled in the day-to-day sensations of touch taste smell hearing and sight all of which are so much different than senses she has lived with over a thousand years.
In one way we take our senses for granted as we always have, yet in another way every one of these experiences is brand new to part of us, so frequently becoming confusing as to which body and which mind were in control and it is only been a day and a half since we have been able to properly get control of our new body’s limbs.
We are one, yet we are still so very separate at times, and it makes quite the muddle of our thoughts, emotions and reactions even more so when were tired or excited and is a large part of why I, no we, have been avoiding Theta - he needed to heal from his vortex poisoning and we needed to try to learn how to cope with being two beings sharing two bodies.
One thing is certain, and it makes me shiver when I feel his thoughts, Theta is dreaming about Rose me again. He has been dreaming of me on and off since the game station but he has been so sick it seemed wrong to go to him in spite of the sometimes erotic content of those dreams. Today, well today has been a good day, and the lure of things he is doing to my dream self is just too strong.
Chapter 10 - Revelations (R) OR (NC17)
Moving Forward Story Index 1