Part 03 - Chapter 36 - Revelations & Reactions
Chapter 36 - Revelations & Reactions
It was cowardly of me to leave Rose and Doris alone like that but I know Doris will be able to express to Rose, just by being herself, far better than a thousand words on my part - it’s why I have chosen to bring her to meet Doris out of all those I have known over the years. I know it will be impossible for it not to come out why and when I was here last, which I both hope for and dread at the same time.
It's just not something I can talk to Rose about, it's still too hard to think about the way everything came apart for me after Gallifrey's destruction. Yet, if Rose is going to persist in her stated intent of staying with me then she deserves to know what she is throwing her life away in the pursuit of protecting. I am still plagued by nightmares, and Rose has seen more than once the effect they have on me and hasn't run. In spite of that, I can't tell her about them, and I refuse to show them to her - well, at least not intentionally, as she has already seen far more than I ever wanted her to see on those occasions she has been sucked into my nightmares with me. No one should ever have to see some of the things I have, and I would die before I would voluntarily show Rose those horrors.
As I begin to prepare the tea, I notice how my hands are shaking. I curl my hands into fists, and stuff them in the pockets of my leather jacket, as I have done so many times before, concentrating a moment on stilling their motion before continuing. I hope I will be able keep them that way, but then I had hoped it had been enough time that this wouldn’t be this hard. I should have known better. Leaning on the counter and looking around the kitchen, I swallow hard as I remember the multitude of times I stood in here making tea, only to find that by the time I went to drink, it was stone cold. There are still long stretches of my time here that I can’t remember and I don’t know if I will ever recover. I’m not even sure I want to know what I was experiencing in those gaps.
As I enter the living room, I hear Doris depreciating her efforts in my care and I will not have that! She has to know how very much she helped; there were, in fact, some days that the only reason I didn’t do myself additional mischief was that I knew how it would upset this kind and genteel lady. In speaking up, I also very much want to distract Rose from her revelation that I had, as Doris so delicately put it, ‘hurt myself’. Rose doesn’t need to know that her saying it that way was like saying someone who was horribly mangled in an accident ‘got a bit hurt’. The brutal truth was I had killed myself, and if it weren’t for my beloved Verity’s actions in gassing me into unconsciousness, I would have fought with every fiber of my being the regeneration that followed. With my luck I probably would have still have survived - it’s not like I am from one of the new blood houses, like the Master’s, that had greater control over the regeneration process. Rose definitely does not need to be reminded of how near a thing it was of history repeating itself at the shopping planet.
As I see her tears, I set down the tea service and I feel a pang of guilt at having brought Rose here; she has been so obviously upset by what Doris has revealed, but am greatly comforted by the feel of her a moment later hugging herself tightly against my side.
I explain to Rose how much Doris’ actions made a difference in my recovery, never once breaking eye contact with Doris in the hope that she will see the truth of my words in my eyes. I know I have succeeded as I watch Doris flush with embarrassment. As I finish speaking I try to make it clear to both of them, how important they are to me by shifting my gaze between them. Rose’s action of burying her face in my jumper reminds me of how very young she is and how little I deserve all she has given me. I also notice, as I look up from the endearing sight of Rose snuggled up against me, that Doris has not failed to see the connection between us. As she gives me a small nod of understanding, I know that if anything should ever happen to me, Rose would have Doris in her corner to help her in any way she could.
For long minutes, I stand there just enjoying the comfort of holding Rose, even as I feel her composing herself. As Rose does, I see Doris look away and move to begin pouring three cups of tea to at least give us the illusion of privacy and I feel a wave of gratitude for that small act which so epitomizes her tact.
As Doris finishes, Rose gently disengages the death grip she has had about my middle, her hand automatically moving to capture mine as we sit. Rose resumes her seat to the left of Doris on the sofa and I sit on her other side slightly forward to easily converse with Doris.
There is a moment of quiet as we prepare our tea, then Doris asks the question that she must have had since we arrived, "So, Doctor, how long has it been for you?"
I feel Rose's eyes lock on to me with laser like intensity. As I reply, "A bit over eight months,” I hear Rose gasp of surprise.
I have never previously told how her short a period it was between the destruction and meeting her. I can't look at her now as I feel the intensity of her shock as she puts that together with the fact that that is how long she has known me. I take comfort though that she is still holding my hand and, if anything, her grip has tightened.
"B...But, that’s... I mean, I met you at Henricks around eight months ago." Then, as if suddenly realizing how tense I am; she reaches for humor to try to lighten the mood. "Right before you blew the place up, that is.” She says with that cheeky little tongue poke of which I have grown so fond. As I look up at her in surprise, she gives me one of her most brilliant smiles, and I can do nothing but stare at her, as I was certain that she would want to get as far away as possible from me when she realized how truly broken I still am.
So very like my Rose to not do that which I am anticipating, and her words just reinforce her other actions. "What's with the look of surprise? You think that is really going to change anything?"
I really don't know what to say to that, so I just shake my head and accept that that is just what I should expect from Rose; that which I don’t expect.
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I am amazed repeatedly, stunned would actually be a better adjective, in a short time, as I take in first what Doris has told me, and then what the Doctor reveals. When he had said he was going to take me to meet someone from his past, I had thought it was going to be some companion that he had parted company with on amicable terms. Someone with whom he had possibly kept in contact, unlikely true, it was the only thing I could think of that had made sense at the time. Instead, I find out that not only has he brought me to meet someone who I suspect had a hand in saving his life after the war, if the condition he was in when we met was anything to go by, but also someone who he obviously highly respects and whose opinion he values.
Doris's reception when we arrived was very much unexpected, though his quick awkward exit was not. My first reaction when I saw the warm welcome this older woman, who if the Doctor was as old as he appeared to be could have passed as his mother, was that she was an ex-lover and for a brief moment I was furious with him. A moment later, her chiding words registered and something about that was more motherly than I expected, and her words had made it clear to me that they had never been lovers, even as his words confirmed that she is a married lady. The awkward way he introduced us again strengthened the impression of a mother son relationship. When she had pulled back from hugging him, I couldn’t help noticing the intense look she gave him, as if searching for something, and I wondered if she had seen him after he had come back from the war, what with the intense concern she was radiating.
After the Doctor had made his escape to her kitchen and she begins to explain who she is, and why she was so surprised about his coming back to show her the garden, I am amazed again, this woman, her husband and their family friend were people Verity trusted with his life. If there is anything I have learned, it is to trust Verity’s judgment when it comes to the Doctor. I know without the slightest question in my mind that Verity would in an instant, if necessary, die to protect him. Never have I questioned that, even in those times when I knew she was upset with him. Never even once have I ever thought she would ever quit loving him. So her trust of these people, humans no less, of all of the beings I am sure he has met through out time and space, tells me of the caliber of friends these are, and the fact he would choose for me to meet them leaves me amazed beyond words. When he puts Doris and I in the same league, I feel a wash of embarrassment and shame for having even for a moment considered he might have had only base intentions toward me. I also know now how truly petty I have yet again been, and resolve to tell him of what happened between Jimmy and I, in spite of the embarrassment I am sure will come in doing so. I can only suspect how hard it has been coming back here, and he was willing in to do this for me, it is the very least I can do in return for that level of trust.
As he reveals how short a time it has been since he escaped from the destruction of his entire world, I am utterly gob smacked that he has been able to function as well as he has and I marvel again that he has seen something in me of value. I’m nothing special that would warrant this kind of attention, yet I would be a fool to try to deny the evidence put before me; that he believes I am.
This beautiful, fantastic, incredible man thinks I, Rose Tyler, am something very special.
With that thought, I am abruptly yanked from my introspection as I hear his soft words in my ear. “Yes, I do Rose, very special indeed.”
In that moment I know, that no matter what happens, every day for the rest of my life it will be spent loving him.
Chapter 37 - The Garden
Moving Forward Index 1