Moving Forward Series Part 04 - Chapter 22 - Love and Stability - PG
Title: Moving Forward Series Part 04 - Chapter 22 - Love and Stability - PG
Author: othermewriter
Beta: lostwolfchats
Chapter Rating: PG - Series Rating: Adult
Characters: 9/Rose Disclaimer: not mine, and so not making money from this I try not to dwell on it too much :(
A/N: As always my deepest gratitude to my awesome beta who continues to hang in here with me.
Previous Chapter: Chapter 21b - So How Does This Work?
I instantly wake to his strangled scream of suffering and I am pulling him close, holding him to me to try to ease the torment his nightmares have caused. I know he is awake, even though he says not a word, driven from his rest by nightmares even as his desperate cries have woken me. His body is again cold, clammy from the sweat generated by his nightmare, and I am worried about him.
It has been a week and a half since the incident in the library and he has slept very little, as each time he has dosed off, I am drawn to his cries not long after. He refuses to speak of them claiming he's fine in spite of the exhaustion I can feel coming from him. I know he goes through phases like this, has done since the war and it's not as if it is any big mystery what has started this most recent stretch. Yet, even in the face of all this he, well actually they both have been extremely patient with me. Each day my senses seem be expanding and I have been working with them to try to get better at my control. The oddest parts of my training are those times when Verity and I swap control over our bodies. At first it was terrifying even the prospect of her taking control and manipulating my limbs and I could tell in spite of her reassurances that she too has had similar moments of panic when I would move a room or flip switches on the control column. She is used to Thete manipulating her controls externally, but the feeling of me doing so from inside her mind at times sends her into fits, even as the reverse has been true as she moves my body. Through it all, he has been our anchor, reassuring and soothing our anxieties even as we try to his. However, he is so stubborn refusing to speak with us regarding what exactly is bothering him.
It really is little wonder that his own demons raise their ugly heads as he attempts to rest as he spends so much of his waking time dealing with ours. I know it is a misplaced sense that he needs to shelter and protect us that causes his reticence. ooh nice word that, reticence. It really is odd how even as I am thinking in the privacy of my own thoughts, words that were not in my usual vocabulary before are slipping in from hers. It’s not just the Gallifreyan ones describing senses that humans don't even have, but English ones and the random words from languages I know I have never learned.
I feel him squirm in my arms and I realize that I have become, yet again lost in my own head, which is so very easy to do these days. ‘Sorry' I state as I release him. With a fleeting brush of his fingers across my cheek, he turns and quickly vanishes into the ensuite to shower.
----------------------------------------
I know I should say something, I can feel her worry for me but right now I feel so exposed and in some ways this being who I have tied my life to is a complete mystery. It is becoming very clear to me, she truly is not just Rose or just Verity any longer but is daily becoming an amalgam of them both and it terrifies me. I know it shouldn’t, I can feel how intensely they love me, but that is part of the problem. It scares me that I will fail them, fail to be what they need me to be, fail to protect them when they most need me and they will consequently hate me. I don’t know if I could take them hating me, how pathetic that sounds. Time Lords shouldn’t need anyone as much as I need these two. That too scares me, not that they would every use that against me, but that if anything should happen to them I know it would well and truly destroy me.
As I lay my head on the wall of the shower, I wish that I could just reach out and let Verity comfort me as she has done now for centuries. Somehow, that seems wrong now; to burden her with this when she has so much she has to deal with already trying to come to terms with this sharing between her and Rose particularly since it wouldn't have happened if it weren’t for my selfishness. Verity has always been the strong one, been the one who holds it together in the face of the worst circumstances imaginable. Even when I finally shattered beneath the pressure, she was there picking up the pieces. Feeling her so unsure of her self, feeling her fear at losing control of her body to Rose is unnerving. I need to be strong for them both right now but it is so hard, and I am so very tired. Verity would probably be horrified if she knew how much her confession in the garden has disturbed me. Never have I wanted to hurt her while I was in my right mind, and the thoughts I had in my madness after the war still bring me shame, as she didn’t deserve any of my fury. It still amazes me that she would still care after all the abuse I heaped on her over keeping me alive.
I jump as I feel Rose's hand gently touch my shoulder and before I can turn, she has molded herself to my back as if knowing how difficult it would be for me to face her right now. I close my eyes and tip my head back to shield her from the water’s spray as she places her cheek on my shoulder, the feel of her soft hands spread over my hearts reminds me how much they belong to these two beautiful women. For long moments, we stand cocooned in the warmth of the shower and each other’s presence and I soak in the comfort they are offering. With time, though I can no longer just let her comfort me and gently turn to face her. The look in her golden brown eyes tells me of her concern and I admit to that which I am aware she already knows. “I’m tired.”
“I know. Let me in Doctor; let me guard your sleep as you used to do. You have been so distant recently.”
“Been right here.” I state, avoiding the issue she is trying to broach and know I dare not look her in the eye as I do if I expect her to let it go.
Her reply makes it clear though that she doesn’t intend to, “Physically, but you don’t let me touch your mind as you did, why are you hiding? What are you trying to protect me from?”
“I…” taking a deep breath I try again, this time I open my mind to her. ‘I just… you have so much to deal with right now’
‘But keeping me out isn’t good for you, isn’t good for any of us, we need you Theta,’ their impassioned entreaty breaks me and I hug her tightly to me.
A few moments later, she is squirming to get loose, and in my momentary surprise she scoots back grabbing my hand and leading me into the bedroom, first grabbing one towel then another on the way out. As we reenter the bedroom, she abruptly turns tossing one of the towels at me as she darts around me like a mischievous pixy. I stand bemused at her sudden change in attitude. I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face as I reach for her, and she playfully darts away.
--------------------------------
As he leaves for the shower, I feel like I have let him down by getting lost, and mentally babbling to myself as he needed my comfort. As Verity shares with me the image of him hunched forward head against the wall in the shower, I know I need to go to him. Too many times, we have seen that body language. We both know well how distraught he usually is when he is like this; just trying to let the shower wash away the stress in which he is drowning.
As he begins to let me lure him out of his depression, I decide it’s time to remind him about the good parts about us being together. As we enter the bedroom, I begin to tease him and watch as his countenance is transformed by his enjoyment as he grin at my antics, as I can sense he is feeling better my hearts are much lightened for seeing his genuine smile. He is utterly gorgeous to me, and rarely is it more evident than when he is smiling
Him suddenly wearing that mischievous grin well what’s a gal to do? So as I feel his determination to catch me, I know just what to do.
-------------------------------------------
I know even more than Rose does how badly he reacts to isolation so when she goes to him I am fully in agreement with her about how much he needs this mental break. He may not consciously let me guard him from his nightmares but if we put our minds together, we can insure we wear him out enough that he at least will sleep dreamlessly. With that thought in mind, we comfort him. When he begins to smile at our teasing Rose comes up with a brilliant plan and as he tries to catch us Rose shouts “Last one to the pool is a rotten egg.” and we take off running for the pool area leading him a merry chase through my corridors in the process.
*******************************
I wake to find his body again curled around mine and I sigh in contentment as I see he is sleeping. The recent weeks have been a trial as my mind has been swamped with excess temporal energy, new senses and the most challenging of all, the sharing of minds and bodies with Verity. Too much to sort through, too much to function properly and his presence has been the life preserver to which my sanity has clung. I lie for a long time just soaking up the calm and quiet of only one time, only one space, the cacophony of psychic noise silent for a time as I have finally learned how to mostly block it out when I'm not distracted. At my back is the steady constant beat of his hearts comforting and reassuring. His arm and hand are draped lazily across my side and belly. I know now he is awake but I am content to just lie in his embrace even as he seems content just to hold me. So much noise, all I hear right now though is the quiet hum of the TARDIS around us knowing I can reach out and touch that part of what is now too my mind, but content for this moment to be just Rose, a once human consciousness in a Gallifreyan body. Sharing bodies with Verity has been an odd experience and that is the understatement of the millennium. I can, if I choose to, remember those companions Thete and Verity have traveled with, the loneliness when he would leave with them and the occasional pangs of jealously that they could hold his hand and run with him through his adventures. Yet, I also remember being a child tripping and scraping my knee and running to my mum for comfort and a plaster. Both sets of memories here at my mental fingertips, the memories of my human life and at the same time those memories of Verity and of growing up in the warm Gallifreyan suns and the adventures she has had with both her Time Lords. The most confusing memories are those since we began traveling together, and my perspective keeps switching randomly between the two, there are just so many, too many, memories all juggling for space.
Sensing my discord, he gently caresses my belly with his fingertips with just enough pressure to avoid tickling, knowing the sensation grounds me in this body, helps me focus. Yet, at the same time it also reminds me why this was necessary. The thought of losing him sends a chill down my spine and I roll toward his chest burying my face in the crook of his neck, breathing in the wonderful smell of him, a scent which like all my other senses has now become more defined sharpened by the changes. I concentrate on breathing, using the techniques he has been teaching me to harness my run away thoughts and chaotic mind. Sensing the conflict that at times borders on panic he gently caresses my back, comforting, soothing, helping me to relax again and for now that is more than enough.
Rest is not something that comes easy to either of us these days; he is plagued by the horrific nightmares of the war and being tortured even though he won’t speak of them. I know though, when he next awakes screaming, it will be my turn to comfort him. Only time will heal those wounds but at least now, we have that time together, we can be strong for each other.
Chapter 23 - Lessons
Moving Forward Story Index 1
Author: othermewriter
Beta: lostwolfchats
Chapter Rating: PG - Series Rating: Adult
Characters: 9/Rose Disclaimer: not mine, and so not making money from this I try not to dwell on it too much :(
A/N: As always my deepest gratitude to my awesome beta who continues to hang in here with me.
Previous Chapter: Chapter 21b - So How Does This Work?
I instantly wake to his strangled scream of suffering and I am pulling him close, holding him to me to try to ease the torment his nightmares have caused. I know he is awake, even though he says not a word, driven from his rest by nightmares even as his desperate cries have woken me. His body is again cold, clammy from the sweat generated by his nightmare, and I am worried about him.
It has been a week and a half since the incident in the library and he has slept very little, as each time he has dosed off, I am drawn to his cries not long after. He refuses to speak of them claiming he's fine in spite of the exhaustion I can feel coming from him. I know he goes through phases like this, has done since the war and it's not as if it is any big mystery what has started this most recent stretch. Yet, even in the face of all this he, well actually they both have been extremely patient with me. Each day my senses seem be expanding and I have been working with them to try to get better at my control. The oddest parts of my training are those times when Verity and I swap control over our bodies. At first it was terrifying even the prospect of her taking control and manipulating my limbs and I could tell in spite of her reassurances that she too has had similar moments of panic when I would move a room or flip switches on the control column. She is used to Thete manipulating her controls externally, but the feeling of me doing so from inside her mind at times sends her into fits, even as the reverse has been true as she moves my body. Through it all, he has been our anchor, reassuring and soothing our anxieties even as we try to his. However, he is so stubborn refusing to speak with us regarding what exactly is bothering him.
It really is little wonder that his own demons raise their ugly heads as he attempts to rest as he spends so much of his waking time dealing with ours. I know it is a misplaced sense that he needs to shelter and protect us that causes his reticence. ooh nice word that, reticence. It really is odd how even as I am thinking in the privacy of my own thoughts, words that were not in my usual vocabulary before are slipping in from hers. It’s not just the Gallifreyan ones describing senses that humans don't even have, but English ones and the random words from languages I know I have never learned.
I feel him squirm in my arms and I realize that I have become, yet again lost in my own head, which is so very easy to do these days. ‘Sorry' I state as I release him. With a fleeting brush of his fingers across my cheek, he turns and quickly vanishes into the ensuite to shower.
----------------------------------------
I know I should say something, I can feel her worry for me but right now I feel so exposed and in some ways this being who I have tied my life to is a complete mystery. It is becoming very clear to me, she truly is not just Rose or just Verity any longer but is daily becoming an amalgam of them both and it terrifies me. I know it shouldn’t, I can feel how intensely they love me, but that is part of the problem. It scares me that I will fail them, fail to be what they need me to be, fail to protect them when they most need me and they will consequently hate me. I don’t know if I could take them hating me, how pathetic that sounds. Time Lords shouldn’t need anyone as much as I need these two. That too scares me, not that they would every use that against me, but that if anything should happen to them I know it would well and truly destroy me.
As I lay my head on the wall of the shower, I wish that I could just reach out and let Verity comfort me as she has done now for centuries. Somehow, that seems wrong now; to burden her with this when she has so much she has to deal with already trying to come to terms with this sharing between her and Rose particularly since it wouldn't have happened if it weren’t for my selfishness. Verity has always been the strong one, been the one who holds it together in the face of the worst circumstances imaginable. Even when I finally shattered beneath the pressure, she was there picking up the pieces. Feeling her so unsure of her self, feeling her fear at losing control of her body to Rose is unnerving. I need to be strong for them both right now but it is so hard, and I am so very tired. Verity would probably be horrified if she knew how much her confession in the garden has disturbed me. Never have I wanted to hurt her while I was in my right mind, and the thoughts I had in my madness after the war still bring me shame, as she didn’t deserve any of my fury. It still amazes me that she would still care after all the abuse I heaped on her over keeping me alive.
I jump as I feel Rose's hand gently touch my shoulder and before I can turn, she has molded herself to my back as if knowing how difficult it would be for me to face her right now. I close my eyes and tip my head back to shield her from the water’s spray as she places her cheek on my shoulder, the feel of her soft hands spread over my hearts reminds me how much they belong to these two beautiful women. For long moments, we stand cocooned in the warmth of the shower and each other’s presence and I soak in the comfort they are offering. With time, though I can no longer just let her comfort me and gently turn to face her. The look in her golden brown eyes tells me of her concern and I admit to that which I am aware she already knows. “I’m tired.”
“I know. Let me in Doctor; let me guard your sleep as you used to do. You have been so distant recently.”
“Been right here.” I state, avoiding the issue she is trying to broach and know I dare not look her in the eye as I do if I expect her to let it go.
Her reply makes it clear though that she doesn’t intend to, “Physically, but you don’t let me touch your mind as you did, why are you hiding? What are you trying to protect me from?”
“I…” taking a deep breath I try again, this time I open my mind to her. ‘I just… you have so much to deal with right now’
‘But keeping me out isn’t good for you, isn’t good for any of us, we need you Theta,’ their impassioned entreaty breaks me and I hug her tightly to me.
A few moments later, she is squirming to get loose, and in my momentary surprise she scoots back grabbing my hand and leading me into the bedroom, first grabbing one towel then another on the way out. As we reenter the bedroom, she abruptly turns tossing one of the towels at me as she darts around me like a mischievous pixy. I stand bemused at her sudden change in attitude. I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face as I reach for her, and she playfully darts away.
--------------------------------
As he leaves for the shower, I feel like I have let him down by getting lost, and mentally babbling to myself as he needed my comfort. As Verity shares with me the image of him hunched forward head against the wall in the shower, I know I need to go to him. Too many times, we have seen that body language. We both know well how distraught he usually is when he is like this; just trying to let the shower wash away the stress in which he is drowning.
As he begins to let me lure him out of his depression, I decide it’s time to remind him about the good parts about us being together. As we enter the bedroom, I begin to tease him and watch as his countenance is transformed by his enjoyment as he grin at my antics, as I can sense he is feeling better my hearts are much lightened for seeing his genuine smile. He is utterly gorgeous to me, and rarely is it more evident than when he is smiling
Him suddenly wearing that mischievous grin well what’s a gal to do? So as I feel his determination to catch me, I know just what to do.
-------------------------------------------
I know even more than Rose does how badly he reacts to isolation so when she goes to him I am fully in agreement with her about how much he needs this mental break. He may not consciously let me guard him from his nightmares but if we put our minds together, we can insure we wear him out enough that he at least will sleep dreamlessly. With that thought in mind, we comfort him. When he begins to smile at our teasing Rose comes up with a brilliant plan and as he tries to catch us Rose shouts “Last one to the pool is a rotten egg.” and we take off running for the pool area leading him a merry chase through my corridors in the process.
*******************************
I wake to find his body again curled around mine and I sigh in contentment as I see he is sleeping. The recent weeks have been a trial as my mind has been swamped with excess temporal energy, new senses and the most challenging of all, the sharing of minds and bodies with Verity. Too much to sort through, too much to function properly and his presence has been the life preserver to which my sanity has clung. I lie for a long time just soaking up the calm and quiet of only one time, only one space, the cacophony of psychic noise silent for a time as I have finally learned how to mostly block it out when I'm not distracted. At my back is the steady constant beat of his hearts comforting and reassuring. His arm and hand are draped lazily across my side and belly. I know now he is awake but I am content to just lie in his embrace even as he seems content just to hold me. So much noise, all I hear right now though is the quiet hum of the TARDIS around us knowing I can reach out and touch that part of what is now too my mind, but content for this moment to be just Rose, a once human consciousness in a Gallifreyan body. Sharing bodies with Verity has been an odd experience and that is the understatement of the millennium. I can, if I choose to, remember those companions Thete and Verity have traveled with, the loneliness when he would leave with them and the occasional pangs of jealously that they could hold his hand and run with him through his adventures. Yet, I also remember being a child tripping and scraping my knee and running to my mum for comfort and a plaster. Both sets of memories here at my mental fingertips, the memories of my human life and at the same time those memories of Verity and of growing up in the warm Gallifreyan suns and the adventures she has had with both her Time Lords. The most confusing memories are those since we began traveling together, and my perspective keeps switching randomly between the two, there are just so many, too many, memories all juggling for space.
Sensing my discord, he gently caresses my belly with his fingertips with just enough pressure to avoid tickling, knowing the sensation grounds me in this body, helps me focus. Yet, at the same time it also reminds me why this was necessary. The thought of losing him sends a chill down my spine and I roll toward his chest burying my face in the crook of his neck, breathing in the wonderful smell of him, a scent which like all my other senses has now become more defined sharpened by the changes. I concentrate on breathing, using the techniques he has been teaching me to harness my run away thoughts and chaotic mind. Sensing the conflict that at times borders on panic he gently caresses my back, comforting, soothing, helping me to relax again and for now that is more than enough.
Rest is not something that comes easy to either of us these days; he is plagued by the horrific nightmares of the war and being tortured even though he won’t speak of them. I know though, when he next awakes screaming, it will be my turn to comfort him. Only time will heal those wounds but at least now, we have that time together, we can be strong for each other.
Chapter 23 - Lessons
Moving Forward Story Index 1