I think this might be almost emo
This last week, I haven't quite been able to believe everything that's happening. I'm not hurting myself, I'm looking forward, my meds don't fuck me over (except for, um, really scary-ass nightmares last night. There were train cars that incinerated the people inside them and outsidetheedges and parilla and vivisection), Obama will be our president - so much done and so much to be done, I saw Girlyman tonight and will go to Cambridge and see Imouto tomorrow, I think I have a girlfriend, I'm not scared of meeting my batshit family members this Thanksgiving, I have numerous friends, or at least people I think I can count as friends. Yes, I still feel down sometimes, but usually switching on the Christmas lights over my desk takes care of that. Part of me is still looking over my shoulder, wondering when this all will end and the black days will come back. But I'm determined this will be the first winter in three years that I get through without crashing.
Six months ago, I would curl up in fetal position, tear at my upper arms and neck and chest with my fingernails, and recite "I long for people to look down on me and despise me, and I'm too shy..." like a mantra.
A year ago, I was locking myself in the bathroom and crying until I had asthma attacks. I had cuts all over my body that itched as they healed. I couldn't even tell if my shoulders were scarring because they were never clear. I didn't think I'd live until May. I never thought I'd get to college.
I went through and un-filtered the entries I made when I was majorly down. If someone goes back and sees them, I don't mind. This is behind me, but I won't hide it. New people, especially IRL folk, I'm sorry for dumping all this on you.
This makes my heart glow.
Six months ago, I would curl up in fetal position, tear at my upper arms and neck and chest with my fingernails, and recite "I long for people to look down on me and despise me, and I'm too shy..." like a mantra.
A year ago, I was locking myself in the bathroom and crying until I had asthma attacks. I had cuts all over my body that itched as they healed. I couldn't even tell if my shoulders were scarring because they were never clear. I didn't think I'd live until May. I never thought I'd get to college.
I went through and un-filtered the entries I made when I was majorly down. If someone goes back and sees them, I don't mind. This is behind me, but I won't hide it. New people, especially IRL folk, I'm sorry for dumping all this on you.
This makes my heart glow.