Unexpected Destinies Chapter 120
Title: Unexpected Destinies
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: up to and including Exile on Main St., AU from the end of season 5
Warnings: AU, slash
Word Count: 2,631
Summary: Dean and Castiel let go of their kalsika.
PAST
Dean felt so good upon waking that it took him a few moments to realize that he was actually awake and not still dreaming. He grunted as he tried to process that, instinctually burrowing deeper into the warmth at his back.
Something was different.
Something had most definitely changed, Dean just wasn't sure what and yet he couldn't work up any panic at this little revelation. Generally when something changed like this it was bad, very, very bad but now he just felt amazingly well. So well in fact that it just couldn't be wrong. It was simply impossible. On some level, he was freaked by his own nonchalance, but it just didn't go anywhere. The feeling that he should be panicking was a logical reaction only, not an emotional or instinctive one and it was his instincts that he trusted the most. They'd never really steered him wrong before so he saw no reason to start doubting them now.
Languidly, Dean stretched. He felt his arms extend on command, knocking aside something he was holding and then there was an abrupt shift as if he'd been taken and dunked into a tank full of ice water. He gasped, bolting upright as the feelings of love and security dimmed dramatically, leaving him both lost and confused.
"Dean."
It was Castiel's voice and Dean instantly relaxed a little, then some more as he felt his lover's presence behind him and wings came up to wrap protectively around him.
"Cas," Dean replied before drawing in a sharp breath as the memory of what had happened returned to him.
The initiation of their kalsika, Castiel's sudden appearance, his lover's emotions for him. He swallowed and closed his eyes as he remembered it all, his heart clenching in his chest as he realized that it was real, all of it was real. It had actually happened and wasn't all some bizarre dream he'd made up after reading the book on angelic bondings that Michael had lent him. It also explained what had just happened as well. In stretching he must have inadvertently pushed away their kalsika and thus broken his connection to it and therefore his connection to his lover and all of Castiel's feelings for him.
He wanted it back, damnit.
"Cas," Dean began, voice low and rough as if he'd been screaming when he knew that he hadn't. "Kalsika, I-"
"No, Dean, we shouldn't, much as I want to take hold of it once more as well, we shouldn't," Castiel replied.
"Why not?"
"Because it isn't meant to be used as a substitute for the bond, but rather as a means to express our intentions and feelings for our mate and to prepare us for the intensity of the actual bonding itself."
"I want it back now."
Even to his own ears, Dean could hear that he was being petulant but he simply didn't care. It had been mind-blowing, feeling Castiel's love and possessiveness for him and he wanted it back. He'd never even dreamed about having anyone feel so much for him, he simply hadn't been able to imagine it, so to lose it now after having gotten it and having been able to bask in it for so long was horrible.
"Just because you can't feel it anymore does not mean that I do not love you just that strongly at present," Castiel stated. "You know precisely how I feel now."
The words made Dean pause as they were true, completely true. He opened his eyes and turned to look at his angel only to be captured by his lover's piercing blue gaze, now made all the more powerful and intense as he knew, literally knew, precisely what lay behind it. It made his breath catch and between it and the memory he was nearly overwhelmed once more.
"Yeah, okay," Dean finally agreed after what seemed like an eternity. "But I still miss it."
"As do I and I find myself quite impatient for the actual bonding."
"Me too. Can we do it now?"
Castiel smiled. "No, as you know given that you read the book."
For a moment Dean wished that he hadn't admitted to reading the book, but then it vanished as he recalled his lover's memory of that moment. Of how Castiel would never have accepted his kalsika and in turn completed the initiation without that admission from him.
Without the knowledge that Dean knew exactly what it was that he was doing.
The memory filled him with warmth, the knowledge that someone cared so much for him as to deny themselves something they wanted so badly just to ensure that he didn't do something that he'd regret later on almost incomprehensible to Dean. Almost. It was odd in a way. He knew that before he'd never have been able to either comprehend or accept that even Castiel loved him that much, but now he could. It was a slow, dawning realization, but he was completely sure of it nonetheless. That fact alone amazed him and it was with a start that he understood how deeply their connection had already changed him. Or how profoundly just being able to experience Castiel's love for him as his lover felt it had affected him. He felt like he could do anything now, be anything, just because of that tenuous, fleeting connection they'd experienced together.
Dean felt another wave of shock roll through him as he realized that this was part of why he'd felt so wonderful when he'd first woken up. Sure, their kalsika and the emotions that it had transmitted had played a huge part in it, no question of it, but that alone hadn't been all of it. Not by a long shot. No, the change ran much, much deeper than that, all the way through his psyche and right down to his very soul. It was... he wasn't quite sure what it was, but it ran far deeper than he could even comprehend. Despite that, it didn't scare him in the least and instead he lunged forwards, grasping his angel and trying to burrow into him. When Castiel's wings closed in tightly behind him, almost completely engulfing him, he sighed, content.
How long they remained there like that, simply holding each other, Dean didn't know but eventually their peace was interrupted by the sudden growling of his stomach. Even then he didn't want to let go, happy to just remain there like that, wrapped up in Castiel, warmed by the memory of what his lover felt for him and his new sense of completion and peace. However he knew that they couldn't do that and not just because of such physical needs as hunger and thirst either.
"What would you like to eat?" Castiel asked, pulling back a little.
"Uh, I dunno, what time is it?" Dean replied stretching languidly once more and enjoying the way his lover's eyes followed the movements.
"Early morning."
"Morning? But it was only just past noon when I started the ritual!"
"You were tired and needed to recover and heal."
It was on the tip of Dean's tongue to ask what exactly that he needed to heal from, but he swallowed it down. He actually had a fairly good idea even if he didn't want to examine it too closely. He was quite happy to just accept the fact that the sudden change in how he felt and saw things couldn't have been brought about by nothing without looking too deeply at just what that something was. Besides, it didn't really matter how it had happened, just that it had and that he was ecstatic about the results seeing as he felt better than he ever had before in his miserable life.
"Surprise me," Dean said, unable to make up his mind.
Castiel smiled. "Very well."
With a flutter of wings, his lover was gone and Dean just lay in the bed for a moment longer, basking in how wonderful he felt. The soft play of multicolored light on the ceiling reminded him of their kalsika and he turned to look at it where it lay further down the bed. He'd be lying if he said that he wasn't tempted to reach out and touch it (Hell, who wouldn't be tempted?) but at the same time the thought felt wrong as well. Holding it while Castiel was present and doing the same was one thing, but doing it on his own when his angel couldn't experience his feelings for his lover, it just felt wrong somehow.
Not to mention that Dean simply loved the fact that he could already feel as awesome as he did without touching it. Sure, feeling the actual thing was most definitely better, but simply the memory of Castiel's love and the knowledge of it was enough and before he realized it, he was humming as he got up to take a shower. True it was Led Zeppelin and Stairway to Heaven, but still, he was fucking humming. Him, Dean Winchester. Who'd have thought?
Yet, despite that, Dean couldn't bring himself to wipe the ridiculous grin off his face even when he caught sight of it in the mirror.
Nor could he stop humming.
/
Dean was still in a fantastic mood when he entered the living room and his smile only widened when he saw that his angel was already back, standing at the table.
"Hey, Cas, so what did you get me?" Dean inquired, stomach rumbling loudly at the wonderful aroma that drifted his way. It smelled vaguely familiar and when flashes of Christmas ornaments came to him he instantly remembered. "Hey, did you get those egg bene-something thingies? Those were awesome!"
"Dean."
His name was said softly but it still had the power to make him stop dead in his tracks for a moment, wondering what he'd said or done as Castiel didn't sound amused or carefree. No instead his lover sounded pained and... frustrated? Exasperated? Hopeless? Dean wasn't quite sure what, but he knew that it wasn't good.
"What?" Dean asked, wondering if everything really had been too good to be true.
He really hoped that wasn't it as for once in his life he'd really started to believe that something not only good, but downright phenomenal had happened to him without any strings attached. Instead of replying, Castiel turned around and Dean saw that his lover held the blessed pewter chalice from which he'd drunk the purification potion earlier. He frowned as he saw it, brow furrowing as he tried to figure out what had upset his lover.
"You baptized yourself?" Castiel questioned.
"Baptized?" Dean repeated, confused.
"Purified," Castiel clarified. "It is the true meaning of the word."
"Oh, well yeah."
"Why?"
The near anguish on his angel's voice made Dean take a few steps closer so he could touch Castiel.
"Well the book said it was necessary if one of the two was impure," Dean shrugged. "And you know I've hardly been a saint. Ever since the first time I had sex, I, uh, well you know."
He actually felt the desire to blush but Dean fought it down. He'd never been ashamed of his active and healthy sex drive before and he wasn't about to start now. Castiel had known this about him before they'd gotten together so he didn't think he needed to feel bad about it now. Well, not unless it was going to get in the way of the bonding, then he sure as hell was going to regret it, and badly, but not before that.
"Sex?" Castiel repeated, tilting his head, clearly confused.
Now it was Dean's turn to pause. "Isn't that what they were talking about? Having had previous sexual relationships?"
"No, why would you think that?"
"It said purity and well, virgins are considered pure while those who've had sex, especially lots of it with many different partners, aren't."
"That is what you were thinking?" Castiel asked, relief in his voice.
"Yeah, why, what does it actually mean?"
"It is referring to any impurities in the Grace or, in your case, the soul."
Sheer habit had Dean already halfway to a response to that before he paused. Normally he'd have said that it wouldn't have made a difference, and indeed it wouldn't have at the time he'd, apparently, baptized himself. Now, however, having seen himself through his lover's eyes, having seen his soul as the angel did, he found that he couldn't really bring himself to believe that anymore now, much less actually say it. It smacked far too much of some stick thin chick trying to convince him that she couldn't accept a drink as she had to lose weight.
Castiel's fingers on his chin tipped his face down and Dean was looking into his lover's astonished eyes. Astonished and reverent as he knew exactly what his angel was thinking, couldn't do anything else what they'd done last night. Castiel was shocked that he was wasn't saying what he would have said before the kalsika ritual.
"It wasn't completely illogical," Dean declared, defending himself. "I mean I have done all kinds of awful things."
"Dean-"
"No, I know now, okay, I'm just saying that given what I'd done and the fact that I couldn't see my own soul, I don't think it was that unreasonable of me to think what I did."
"Only because you were overlooking a critical aspect of the equation," Castiel argued.
"Yeah? And what was that?"
"Why you did it all. What drove you to do what you did. Your intentions have always been completely pure, Dean, regardless of the outcome."
Some part of Dean wanted to protest that, to deny it, but it was an old part of him that reacted out of habit. It was amazing how much he hesitated to act on those old habits now; how quickly things could change, including all of his old instincts. He still wanted to protest but given what he'd seen he found that he just couldn't. Perhaps this specific reason wasn't true, but something obviously was as his soul was definitely not only squeaky clean, but completely pure, even he couldn't deny that anymore and he squirmed in discomfort, but the joy that Castiel got out of his acknowledgement was all that he needed to prevent himself from trying to go and hide himself or to start spouting some random, and often offensive or injurious, nonsense in a desperate attempt to deflect attention from the topic at hand.
"So, I assume this is why nothing happened when I took it?" Dean asked, gesturing at the chalice.
"Of course. What did you think?"
Dean shrugged. "I just assumed I'd done something wrong or that it was doing something that I couldn't feel."
"Of course you did."
"You know some people consider sarcasm the lowest form of wit."
"They have obviously never met you," Castiel replied easily. "Or they never took the time to truly get to know you, which is their loss."
Okay, new him aside, Dean still felt uncomfortable when his lover said shit like that. It was good to know that some things hadn't changed even if he was quite happy with those that had.
"Okay, Dr. Phil, I think that's enough sharing and caring for now," Dean stated. "I'm starving, let's eat!"
Dean thought he caught a hint of relief in his angel's face at the familiarity of his statement. Making eye contact with his lover was clearly a mistake as, true to his and Castiel's history, they ended up staring at each other for who knew how long. And God only knew how long they would have continued to do so if his stomach hadn't growled again.
This time Dean did blush as Castiel laughed.
A.N.: Sorry, post-nano madness swallowed me whole. Everything that I'd put off in November needed dealing with before I could come back to this.
Chapter 121
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: up to and including Exile on Main St., AU from the end of season 5
Warnings: AU, slash
Word Count: 2,631
Summary: Dean and Castiel let go of their kalsika.
PAST
Dean felt so good upon waking that it took him a few moments to realize that he was actually awake and not still dreaming. He grunted as he tried to process that, instinctually burrowing deeper into the warmth at his back.
Something was different.
Something had most definitely changed, Dean just wasn't sure what and yet he couldn't work up any panic at this little revelation. Generally when something changed like this it was bad, very, very bad but now he just felt amazingly well. So well in fact that it just couldn't be wrong. It was simply impossible. On some level, he was freaked by his own nonchalance, but it just didn't go anywhere. The feeling that he should be panicking was a logical reaction only, not an emotional or instinctive one and it was his instincts that he trusted the most. They'd never really steered him wrong before so he saw no reason to start doubting them now.
Languidly, Dean stretched. He felt his arms extend on command, knocking aside something he was holding and then there was an abrupt shift as if he'd been taken and dunked into a tank full of ice water. He gasped, bolting upright as the feelings of love and security dimmed dramatically, leaving him both lost and confused.
"Dean."
It was Castiel's voice and Dean instantly relaxed a little, then some more as he felt his lover's presence behind him and wings came up to wrap protectively around him.
"Cas," Dean replied before drawing in a sharp breath as the memory of what had happened returned to him.
The initiation of their kalsika, Castiel's sudden appearance, his lover's emotions for him. He swallowed and closed his eyes as he remembered it all, his heart clenching in his chest as he realized that it was real, all of it was real. It had actually happened and wasn't all some bizarre dream he'd made up after reading the book on angelic bondings that Michael had lent him. It also explained what had just happened as well. In stretching he must have inadvertently pushed away their kalsika and thus broken his connection to it and therefore his connection to his lover and all of Castiel's feelings for him.
He wanted it back, damnit.
"Cas," Dean began, voice low and rough as if he'd been screaming when he knew that he hadn't. "Kalsika, I-"
"No, Dean, we shouldn't, much as I want to take hold of it once more as well, we shouldn't," Castiel replied.
"Why not?"
"Because it isn't meant to be used as a substitute for the bond, but rather as a means to express our intentions and feelings for our mate and to prepare us for the intensity of the actual bonding itself."
"I want it back now."
Even to his own ears, Dean could hear that he was being petulant but he simply didn't care. It had been mind-blowing, feeling Castiel's love and possessiveness for him and he wanted it back. He'd never even dreamed about having anyone feel so much for him, he simply hadn't been able to imagine it, so to lose it now after having gotten it and having been able to bask in it for so long was horrible.
"Just because you can't feel it anymore does not mean that I do not love you just that strongly at present," Castiel stated. "You know precisely how I feel now."
The words made Dean pause as they were true, completely true. He opened his eyes and turned to look at his angel only to be captured by his lover's piercing blue gaze, now made all the more powerful and intense as he knew, literally knew, precisely what lay behind it. It made his breath catch and between it and the memory he was nearly overwhelmed once more.
"Yeah, okay," Dean finally agreed after what seemed like an eternity. "But I still miss it."
"As do I and I find myself quite impatient for the actual bonding."
"Me too. Can we do it now?"
Castiel smiled. "No, as you know given that you read the book."
For a moment Dean wished that he hadn't admitted to reading the book, but then it vanished as he recalled his lover's memory of that moment. Of how Castiel would never have accepted his kalsika and in turn completed the initiation without that admission from him.
Without the knowledge that Dean knew exactly what it was that he was doing.
The memory filled him with warmth, the knowledge that someone cared so much for him as to deny themselves something they wanted so badly just to ensure that he didn't do something that he'd regret later on almost incomprehensible to Dean. Almost. It was odd in a way. He knew that before he'd never have been able to either comprehend or accept that even Castiel loved him that much, but now he could. It was a slow, dawning realization, but he was completely sure of it nonetheless. That fact alone amazed him and it was with a start that he understood how deeply their connection had already changed him. Or how profoundly just being able to experience Castiel's love for him as his lover felt it had affected him. He felt like he could do anything now, be anything, just because of that tenuous, fleeting connection they'd experienced together.
Dean felt another wave of shock roll through him as he realized that this was part of why he'd felt so wonderful when he'd first woken up. Sure, their kalsika and the emotions that it had transmitted had played a huge part in it, no question of it, but that alone hadn't been all of it. Not by a long shot. No, the change ran much, much deeper than that, all the way through his psyche and right down to his very soul. It was... he wasn't quite sure what it was, but it ran far deeper than he could even comprehend. Despite that, it didn't scare him in the least and instead he lunged forwards, grasping his angel and trying to burrow into him. When Castiel's wings closed in tightly behind him, almost completely engulfing him, he sighed, content.
How long they remained there like that, simply holding each other, Dean didn't know but eventually their peace was interrupted by the sudden growling of his stomach. Even then he didn't want to let go, happy to just remain there like that, wrapped up in Castiel, warmed by the memory of what his lover felt for him and his new sense of completion and peace. However he knew that they couldn't do that and not just because of such physical needs as hunger and thirst either.
"What would you like to eat?" Castiel asked, pulling back a little.
"Uh, I dunno, what time is it?" Dean replied stretching languidly once more and enjoying the way his lover's eyes followed the movements.
"Early morning."
"Morning? But it was only just past noon when I started the ritual!"
"You were tired and needed to recover and heal."
It was on the tip of Dean's tongue to ask what exactly that he needed to heal from, but he swallowed it down. He actually had a fairly good idea even if he didn't want to examine it too closely. He was quite happy to just accept the fact that the sudden change in how he felt and saw things couldn't have been brought about by nothing without looking too deeply at just what that something was. Besides, it didn't really matter how it had happened, just that it had and that he was ecstatic about the results seeing as he felt better than he ever had before in his miserable life.
"Surprise me," Dean said, unable to make up his mind.
Castiel smiled. "Very well."
With a flutter of wings, his lover was gone and Dean just lay in the bed for a moment longer, basking in how wonderful he felt. The soft play of multicolored light on the ceiling reminded him of their kalsika and he turned to look at it where it lay further down the bed. He'd be lying if he said that he wasn't tempted to reach out and touch it (Hell, who wouldn't be tempted?) but at the same time the thought felt wrong as well. Holding it while Castiel was present and doing the same was one thing, but doing it on his own when his angel couldn't experience his feelings for his lover, it just felt wrong somehow.
Not to mention that Dean simply loved the fact that he could already feel as awesome as he did without touching it. Sure, feeling the actual thing was most definitely better, but simply the memory of Castiel's love and the knowledge of it was enough and before he realized it, he was humming as he got up to take a shower. True it was Led Zeppelin and Stairway to Heaven, but still, he was fucking humming. Him, Dean Winchester. Who'd have thought?
Yet, despite that, Dean couldn't bring himself to wipe the ridiculous grin off his face even when he caught sight of it in the mirror.
Nor could he stop humming.
/
Dean was still in a fantastic mood when he entered the living room and his smile only widened when he saw that his angel was already back, standing at the table.
"Hey, Cas, so what did you get me?" Dean inquired, stomach rumbling loudly at the wonderful aroma that drifted his way. It smelled vaguely familiar and when flashes of Christmas ornaments came to him he instantly remembered. "Hey, did you get those egg bene-something thingies? Those were awesome!"
"Dean."
His name was said softly but it still had the power to make him stop dead in his tracks for a moment, wondering what he'd said or done as Castiel didn't sound amused or carefree. No instead his lover sounded pained and... frustrated? Exasperated? Hopeless? Dean wasn't quite sure what, but he knew that it wasn't good.
"What?" Dean asked, wondering if everything really had been too good to be true.
He really hoped that wasn't it as for once in his life he'd really started to believe that something not only good, but downright phenomenal had happened to him without any strings attached. Instead of replying, Castiel turned around and Dean saw that his lover held the blessed pewter chalice from which he'd drunk the purification potion earlier. He frowned as he saw it, brow furrowing as he tried to figure out what had upset his lover.
"You baptized yourself?" Castiel questioned.
"Baptized?" Dean repeated, confused.
"Purified," Castiel clarified. "It is the true meaning of the word."
"Oh, well yeah."
"Why?"
The near anguish on his angel's voice made Dean take a few steps closer so he could touch Castiel.
"Well the book said it was necessary if one of the two was impure," Dean shrugged. "And you know I've hardly been a saint. Ever since the first time I had sex, I, uh, well you know."
He actually felt the desire to blush but Dean fought it down. He'd never been ashamed of his active and healthy sex drive before and he wasn't about to start now. Castiel had known this about him before they'd gotten together so he didn't think he needed to feel bad about it now. Well, not unless it was going to get in the way of the bonding, then he sure as hell was going to regret it, and badly, but not before that.
"Sex?" Castiel repeated, tilting his head, clearly confused.
Now it was Dean's turn to pause. "Isn't that what they were talking about? Having had previous sexual relationships?"
"No, why would you think that?"
"It said purity and well, virgins are considered pure while those who've had sex, especially lots of it with many different partners, aren't."
"That is what you were thinking?" Castiel asked, relief in his voice.
"Yeah, why, what does it actually mean?"
"It is referring to any impurities in the Grace or, in your case, the soul."
Sheer habit had Dean already halfway to a response to that before he paused. Normally he'd have said that it wouldn't have made a difference, and indeed it wouldn't have at the time he'd, apparently, baptized himself. Now, however, having seen himself through his lover's eyes, having seen his soul as the angel did, he found that he couldn't really bring himself to believe that anymore now, much less actually say it. It smacked far too much of some stick thin chick trying to convince him that she couldn't accept a drink as she had to lose weight.
Castiel's fingers on his chin tipped his face down and Dean was looking into his lover's astonished eyes. Astonished and reverent as he knew exactly what his angel was thinking, couldn't do anything else what they'd done last night. Castiel was shocked that he was wasn't saying what he would have said before the kalsika ritual.
"It wasn't completely illogical," Dean declared, defending himself. "I mean I have done all kinds of awful things."
"Dean-"
"No, I know now, okay, I'm just saying that given what I'd done and the fact that I couldn't see my own soul, I don't think it was that unreasonable of me to think what I did."
"Only because you were overlooking a critical aspect of the equation," Castiel argued.
"Yeah? And what was that?"
"Why you did it all. What drove you to do what you did. Your intentions have always been completely pure, Dean, regardless of the outcome."
Some part of Dean wanted to protest that, to deny it, but it was an old part of him that reacted out of habit. It was amazing how much he hesitated to act on those old habits now; how quickly things could change, including all of his old instincts. He still wanted to protest but given what he'd seen he found that he just couldn't. Perhaps this specific reason wasn't true, but something obviously was as his soul was definitely not only squeaky clean, but completely pure, even he couldn't deny that anymore and he squirmed in discomfort, but the joy that Castiel got out of his acknowledgement was all that he needed to prevent himself from trying to go and hide himself or to start spouting some random, and often offensive or injurious, nonsense in a desperate attempt to deflect attention from the topic at hand.
"So, I assume this is why nothing happened when I took it?" Dean asked, gesturing at the chalice.
"Of course. What did you think?"
Dean shrugged. "I just assumed I'd done something wrong or that it was doing something that I couldn't feel."
"Of course you did."
"You know some people consider sarcasm the lowest form of wit."
"They have obviously never met you," Castiel replied easily. "Or they never took the time to truly get to know you, which is their loss."
Okay, new him aside, Dean still felt uncomfortable when his lover said shit like that. It was good to know that some things hadn't changed even if he was quite happy with those that had.
"Okay, Dr. Phil, I think that's enough sharing and caring for now," Dean stated. "I'm starving, let's eat!"
Dean thought he caught a hint of relief in his angel's face at the familiarity of his statement. Making eye contact with his lover was clearly a mistake as, true to his and Castiel's history, they ended up staring at each other for who knew how long. And God only knew how long they would have continued to do so if his stomach hadn't growled again.
This time Dean did blush as Castiel laughed.
A.N.: Sorry, post-nano madness swallowed me whole. Everything that I'd put off in November needed dealing with before I could come back to this.
Chapter 121