The Abnegate ii.

[ottoiskoewl]

Titel: The Abnegate
Pairing: Yongguk/Himchan
Genre: Romance, Angst, Action
Warning: Smut, Character death.
Rating: R
Wordcount: 27k+ (total as of now)
Summary: The refugee from Abnegation lands in the most dangerous faction of all; Dauntless.


They were all called out to come to the Vortex the next morning, where a large crowd had gathered around four Dauntless men with a rope hanging into the Vortex. Himchan ran to the edge of the Vortex to look into it. The body wasn’t recognizable from here, but he knew who it was. The bed had been empty. The men slowly pulled the rope towards the edge of the Vortex, the body falling onto the ground. The whole crowd was silently watching. Sunhwa’s face was still full of bruises, her body was covered in blood from smacking against the rocks. Her wet hair lay over her face, her soaked clothes forming a puddle of water on the ground. All the Dauntless gathered in the general dinner hall after that, toasting and cheering. This was apparently the way they did a funeral. Her body was burned on a fire, her ashes thrown into the Vortex. It was sad, besides everyone being happy. “They don’t know how to be sad, so they choose to be happy instead.” Yongguk explained. He didn’t sit at the table of the leaders, instead he sat next to Himchan, eating the special chocolate cake that was only served on special days. “We could’ve foreseen this.” Himchan said. He didn’t really feel hungry. “She was truly Dauntless, she had enough courage to jump into the Vortex.” Daehyun sighed from across the table, a dreamy expression on his face. His cheeks were flushed from the amount of alcohol he had drunk. Yongguk pulled the sleeve of Himchan’s shirt back over his shoulder, his fingers gracing over his skin. Himchan felt weird as he did so, mumbling a thank you. “You’re really skinny.” Yongguk noted. “So are you.” They didn’t really talk after that, they just ate their cake silently.
They were given the day off because of this ‘celebration’ and Yongguk invited Himchan over to the top floor. “The leaders want some information about Abnegation, if you don’t mind.” Himchan wanted to say he did mind, he only knew the situation in Abnegation from years ago, but he shook his head. He was seated next to Yongguk at the table. A woman named Hyosung opposite of him, next to her a man named Taesung. The woman had purple hair, a well rounded body and dark lined eyes, the man looked plain, but had a lot of piercings in his ears. “Tell us, Himchan, how is the situation in Abnegation right now?” Hyosung asked, folding her hands together and resting her chin on it. They were in the conference room and it felt very official, like a huge pressure. “Well, I don’t know how it is now, I haven’t been there in a few weeks.” He avoided the question. She waved it off. “In general, how is it?” He tried to remember how it was when he still lived there. “It’s just like always. Erudite helps them with their technology, although their communication isn’t as strong as before. They don’t really have contact with Candor or Friendship as far as I know, just the usual. And…” He considered saying the next thing for a while, but decided to do so anyway. It wouldn’t really add anything and it was pretty fitting to Abnegation’s behavior. “they send food to the factionless.” Hyosung blinked a couple of times. Did she expect more? Did she expect him to come with a war that Abnegation was planning. “How do you know about that? Only the leaders of the factions know where the factionless get their supplies from, the citizens are asked to stay away from them.” Himchan felt himself get more nervous. He had thought it was a common known thing, but apparently not. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants. “Not exactly. My dad… is in the government of Abnegation.” He half lied. It wasn’t that bad. “Well, okay. You don’t have anything else? Didn’t your dad talk about more than that?” She pressed on. “I wasn’t in the position to ask something that selfish from my dad. And it wouldn’t be fair to the other leaders if he told us about their secrets.” At least he knew how to behave like an Abnegate. She pursed her lips. “That wasn’t very helpful, but at least we know something. I think that’s it, thank you for coming here.” Yongguk led him out of the room, to his own.
“Himchan, I have to tell you something.” Himchan turned to him with a questioning look. “Your simulation results, weren’t normal. Not as far as I know. I’ve never seen something like that before. I luckily don’t have to give the files to Hyosung. But she might do something to you if she knew… If you know what I mean.” Himchan nodded. “You’re Divergent, the only Divergent alive.” He said. There was something like pity in his eyes. “And you lied.” Himchan raised his eyebrows at that. “What do you mean?” “You lied to Hyosung. If you lived in Abnegation until the moment you escaped, you would’ve been dead. You must’ve escaped after the simulation.” Yongguk took that up quickly. His whole masquerade that he had put up, carefully without any gaps, had fallen down. He didn’t know what Divergent could do, he only knew he was one, but he could at least tell Yongguk everything now. “I did, I escaped from Abnegation after the simulation before Choosing Day. My mother was the one to do the simulation on me, so I was lucky. She managed to burn the files, told me we had to leave Abnegation. And so we did. She didn’t tell me why, or what had happened. We fled to the factionless, and lived there for a month or so. When I didn’t appear at Choosing Day, and they started questioning the fact that there was a simulation file missing, they started searching for me. That’s when my mother told me, I was considered dangerous. She said that she had burned the files to protect me. She told me that…” Himchan sat down on Yongguk’s bed, his hands were shaking and he felt tears burn behind his eyes. “She told me that the day before they came. Me and my mother were checking the food Abnegation had just delivered us, she ushered me to get out through the window, to the back, and hide there. The killed everyone, all the factionless there. They knew the Divergent was between them, but they didn’t know who it was. In Abnegation everyone is written down with only their names, and a number, no pictures, because that is selfless. You cannot force yourself into a system with your face, just a number. But that is what Abnegation lacks. Because they didn’t know who it was. And they missed exactly me. I fled.” Yongguk sat down too, putting an arm around Himchan’s shoulder. “Is that what I saw? In your fear landscape?” Himchan nodded. “That was my mother. After they had killed everyone, they set it all on fire.” Tears were flowing down his cheeks. It was the first time he had said it out loud and it felt like a weight was lifted off his chest. “But it was true, my father was a leader of Abnegation. They killed him because they thought he was planning something against him.” Yongguk pulled him closer, letting Himchan sob into his shirt. He swung him slowly, trying to comfort him. It wasn’t something he had done before and he didn’t know how to comfort someone, but it seemed to be working. “I’ll protect you, don’t worry. You came all the way, I’m not letting anything happen to you.”  And Himchan cried until there were no more tears left. He hadn’t cried over his mother for a long time, the simulation hadn’t been real, this was real. And it was also real that he felt Yongguk’s strong arms around his body, sliding up and down his back as he tried to comfort him. He felt himself relax against the man’s chest, and his eyes slipped closed.

“It’s time to wake up.” A deep voice whispered in his ear. It wasn’t time to wake up, Himchan would know when it was time to wake up. It was not morning yet, or it was early in the morning. “If you’re not in the sleeping hall on time before tomorrow morning they’re going to suspect something. You better hurry, tell them that you talked with the leaders or went for a walk or something. You were mourning over Sunhwa’s death. Something like that.” Himchan pushed himself up, he had fallen asleep on Yongguk’s chest. He knew that it would be bad to be caught with the Initiation instructor, some could think that that was the reason why he was on top of the list, but it did hurt him somehow. He didn’t want to hide the fact that he was now a little closer to Yongguk. He stood up, checked his appearance in the mirror and went down. There wasn’t a password needed to go down. He walked through the long corridor to the Initiation place. “Hyung? Are you back?” Jongup whispered when Himchan tried to lie down as quietly as he could. “Yes, I went for a walk to clear my mind.” Jongup nodded. Just when Himchan closed his eyes, the boy spoke again. “Hyung, do you mind if I sleep in your bed? I can’t fall asleep.” Himchan couldn’t help but think if Yongguk would find it okay, but that was nothing of his concern. Yongguk was just a friend and so was Jongup. “Of course, Guppie.” Jongup pulled up Himchan’s covers and nuzzled against him, drifting off quickly.

“Today, were fencing. But with swords. Because otherwise it would be useless. Himchan.” Yongguk said. Everyone was tired, no one had slept well and they all had a hangover from the day before. They had all used the occasion to drink loads of alcohol. None of them, besides Jongup and Himchan were awake enough to know what was going on. Himchan walked over to the instructor, who handed him the sword. The sword he had chosen to take with him when he arrived in Dauntless. He smiled at the feel of the sword in his hand. Yongguk went to stand somewhere, where they had more space to move. Himchan pointed the sword at Yongguk, it was just a friendly battle, so he had to tone it down. It was too easy dodge Yongguk’s sword, as he was probably used to handling a gun rather than a sword. Himchan kept his back straight, his sword in front of him, just like he had learned. While he lived in Abnegation, he had wanted to learn how to defend himself. He could vaguely remember wanting to enlist in Abnegation’s army, but they only fought with guns. So he bought himself a book from a factionless man under the abandoned train rail, where no trains drove anymore. Because he rather hung out with the factionless than his classmates - they worked on his nerves with their selfless behavior - the factionless made him a sword with the little tools they had. Every day after school, when he told his mother he’d be at his friends house helping him with his homework, he went to the abandoned train rail and learned to fight with a sword. It was prohibited to have weapons in Abnegation, but the thought that he had one didn’t scare him off, it just made him feel excited. Maybe he did have some Dauntless genes in him after all. Yongguk once again hauled the sword at him, but Himchan easily blocked it. It had been some time since he had used a sword, it filled him with glee. The sound of steel clashing together rang like a soft melody in his ears. Himchan decided that he had enough of defending and blocking, and hit the sword out of Yongguk’s hand with a tick of the end of his sword. The instructor stood for a while, watching his sword fling out of his hand and crash onto the floor with a loud noise. Then he turned his head towards his opponent, seeing the end of said person’s sword directly in front of his eyes. “Wow.” He managed to say, awe audible in his voice. Himchan lowered his sword, shrugging as if it didn’t really matter to him whatever compliment he got. Maybe Yongguk thought it was because he was Divergent that he was so good at everything, but honestly Himchan didn’t think it was because of that. Neither of them knew what a Divergent could actually do. After him it was Jongup’s turn, who awkwardly tried to hold the sword straight, but failed and ended up with his back on the ground and Yongguk’s sword mere inches from his chest. Yongguk dismissed the rest, seeming as they were almost falling asleep. They hadn’t even made an effort to hide the dark circles under their eyes, or the yawns that threatened to escape from their mouth. All the kids stumbled back to the sleeping hall as soon as Yongguk said the word dismissed, they didn’t even listen to the rest of what he had to say; which included that their scores would get higher if they went out now. So Jongup went up, above Zelo on the list.
“Let’s celebrate, hyung.” Jongup beamed, hopping from one foot to the other, his defeat long forgotten. All the images of the sword above his heart had already made place for his name on the second place. “I’m tired, Guppie.” Himchan whined, as he brushed his black hair away from his eyes. His hair was getting longer, it started prickling his cheeks and eyes. “Oh come on. Just for a little while, we still have a whole day. You can sleep after.” Himchan sighed, he knew Jongup had won once again. The boy ran  ahead to the elevator, where Yongguk joined them. Himchan avoided the stares Yongguk gave him in the mirrors, which coated the elevator walls. Once they reached the Vortex, Jongup pulled Himchan with him on his wrist, walking over to the Vortex with a silly half trot, half hop. “I want to get a tattoo, just like you.” Jongup said, as they pressed themselves against the hill to shamble up the small path. “Aren’t you too young for that?” They went to walk side by side when they reached the part where the path widened. The kids that usually ran around the place weren’t outside, they were probably at school. It was hot today, even underground. “No, we’re Dauntless, we don’t care about age.” Well, at least they didn’t discriminate anyone here. Or maybe they would discriminate other factions. Dauntless would think a little too soon that they were the best faction, but that was something most faction thought. The only faction that was as nice to say they weren’t, was Abnegation, who on his turn was the leader of all factions.

Jongup entered the same shop Yongguk had brought him to to get a tattoo. The woman with the many tattoos had a new one, which curled over her jaw line up to her ear. “Jongup!” She exclaimed, happily hugging the taller boy, which hugged her back just as happily. “Himchan, this is my sister, Jieun. Jieun, this is Himchan.” She let go of her brother and turned to Himchan, who awkwardly stood in front of her desk, not really knowing how to stand anymore. “Yeah, I know. I was the one who put the tattoo on his chest. Have you seen it?” Jongup nodded. “I’m glad you chose my sister to get that tattoo for you.” Himchan smiled. Jongup seemed even more excited than ever, as he lay in the chair rolling up his sleeve. “I want an angel, on my shoulder.” He said, pointing at the soft skin. Himchan wanted to stop him, saying that he shouldn’t do that to his beautiful skin, but who was he to say such a thing. “Okay, let’s see what I can do.” Jieun smiled, revealing a piercing his gums and a tattoo inside her mouth. They must be joking about them being brother and sister. They didn’t even look alike, inside and out. Himchan sat down on a chair near where Jongup was. Now that he had some time to look around the shop, he noted that the walls were covered in tattoo design. Some were colored, some were just with black. It was intriguing to see all these drawings, so dark and obscure. The walls were purple, with a long black line over it, that didn’t go straight. It was a pretty cozy shop, despite the fact that demons looked down at you from there frames on the wall. The buzzing sound of the tattooing needle filled the shop. Himchan could see Jongup’s muscles tense at the feeling of the needle. “You don’t need someone to protect you Jongup.” Jieun said, bowed over Jongup’s arm, her hair falling onto his skin, that’s how close she was. “I know, it isn’t that.” Jongup relaxed a bit as she continued. After a while he lazily hung in the chair, eyeing the molding paint on the ceiling. “Are you going to tell me what it means then?” She asked, dipping the needle into grey paint. “No.”

After that Jongup had gotten his tattoo, he asked Himchan to go buy some clothes with him. It was getting hotter, and would continue getting hotter until the warm season was over. The only clothes they had were their long pants and black T-shirts. Jongup said he started feeling dirty from wearing the same clothes every day, Himchan couldn’t agree more with him. So they bought some tank tops, from the little money Jongup had. Himchan promised to pay him back, which Jongup just waved off with a smile. “It’s okay, hyung. You’ve already done so much for me.” They entered the elevator again, both smiling at each other in the reflection of the mirrors. With its usual beep, the doors opened. Both were still energetic, so they chose to practice fighting with swords in the practice room. Himchan taught Jongup how to keep the sword straight, how to balance, how to make the opponent defenseless, and everything else he needed to know. They didn’t stop until Jongup finally managed to get his sword near Himchan’s face. “Good night, hyung.” Jongup whispered, as they lay in their beds. “Good night, Guppie.”
Himchan woke up from a dull noise, it sounded like a body hitting something. Himchan sat up straight in his bed, looking around to see if anyone had fallen out of their bed or anything like that. But it seemed quiet. Especially Jongup’s bed, which was empty. “Jongup?” Himchan asked softly, not wanting to wake everyone up. He threw the covers off of himself, rounded Jongup’s bed, but didn’t see anything. He didn’t trust this. He put on his boots and hid his knife in them. Most of the kids were still sleeping, but there were two other empty beds. And Himchan could already guess what was going on. He ran out of the room, looking around the corridor. Where could they’ve gone? He saw that the counter above the elevator said it was on the floor of the Vortex. As far as he knew, Jongup and him were the last ones who had used the elevator. He pushed the button hastily, feeling himself grow impatient as the counter slowly ticked to one. When he arrived at the Vortex, the range to where he could see was empty. But there were noises further away. “Jongup?” He yelled. He got a choked yes in response, which sounded like he was in much pain. Himchan ran over to the noise. The sight that greeted him put him off guard. Zelo and Hana stood next to Jongup’s body, kicking and punching him. When they saw Himchan they quickly glanced at each other. Before Himchan got close enough to do something, Zelo pushed a knife into Jongup’s stomach and fled, together with Hana. “Jongup.” Himchan fell onto the ground next to Jongup, pulling the knife out of his stomach. His face was covered in blood flowing from his nose and mouth, his arms were bruised and his eyes glassy with tears. “They attacked me when I was sleeping. They said that I shouldn’t have taken their place on the list. I’m so sorry.” He whispered, blood gushing out of his mouth. The blood started washing away from Himchan’s tears, he didn’t even realize he was crying. He was just trying to close the wounds with his hands. “It’s not your fault. It is my fault. I should’ve protected you.” Himchan whispered as he pulled the boy’s body against his chest, stroking his soft brown hair, crying into the tuffs. “You couldn’t have foreseen this.” Jongup said. Himchan could still bring him to the nursery, but he knew that it wouldn’t matter. Half of the blood that should flow through his veins, was now flowing on the ground near the edge of the Vortex, the red liquid dripping into the waves. The cause wasn’t only from that one cut that Zelo had made, there were more, covering Jongup’s chest with blood and cuts. Himchan couldn’t stop the tears anymore, he was beyond everything right now. Without his own permission, his throat started emitting screams as he pushed Jongup tightly against him, not wanting to let go of him. He couldn’t die, not after what they’ve been through. Not after what Jongup had told him. He had so many things yet to prove to everyone. He had so much time ahead of him to still be young and live. “I love you… Himchan-hyung.” Those were Jongup’s last words, his last words that kept repeating themselves inside Himchan’s head. He kept sobbing, pulling at the boy in his arms. Blood started soaking his shirt, started staining his cheeks and arms. Others started coming into the Vortex at having heard Himchan’s scream. They made attempts to come closer to Jongup, but Himchan yelled at them to stay away. He would not let go of Jongup, he would not leave him here for everyone to see. No one would touch him. “Jongup-ah.” He whispered hoarsely, tears streaming down his face as he felt the power seep out of the boy’s body, until it lifelessly lay in his arms. “Himchan.” That was Youngjae. “Himchan you have to let go of him.” He tried, putting his hand on Jongup’s shoulder. “No!” His voice had become small, almost inaudible. “Himchan, please.” Yongguk said, sitting down next to him. Jieun had also come down, she was curiously peaking over the crowd’s shoulder to see what was going on. When she recognized her brother’s face, she too started screaming. Some girls rushed over to console her. “Himchan.” Yongguk repeated sternly. And Himchan let go. He softly laid the body on the ground as Yongguk helped him up. He had to lean on him to not fall over. He was shaking and his legs felt like they couldn’t function anymore.
Yongguk brought him to room number five, where he set Himchan down in the uncomfortable leather chair. The leader walked over to the sink to give Himchan some water. “What has happened?” Yongguk asked, putting his arm over the shaking man’s shoulder, who only shook his head, unable to say anything. When the overwhelming emotions had ebbed down, it made place for anger, or better said seething rage. The thing he wanted right now was to see Zelo’s and Hana’s blood flow, see them writher and squirm with unbearable pain. “It was Zelo, and Hana. They killed him.” Yongguk saw that Himchan’s eyes changed, the tears made place for an evil glimmering. His eyebrows went down and his hands stopped shaking. “Don’t worry yourself to much about them, Himchan. They’ve broken the protocol. Me and the other leaders will judge over their fate.” Himchan set the glass of water down. “Make them pay.” He said. “Of course, Himchan. I will, but first you’re going to wash up. You’re covered in blood.”

A while later, Himchan was once again in Yongguk’s bed. Tears kept flowing, but he turned his back to the purple haired man, so he couldn’t see it. Those last words. He hadn’t said them back. He felt guilty, for not having saved him and for not having said his last words back. He rubbed a tear away with the palm of his hand, sniffing almost unnoticeably. “Are you okay?” A deep voice rumbled through the bedroom. “Yeah.” Himchan answered. Yongguk turned towards Himchan. Because Himchan didn’t turn to him, he put his arm around the man’s waist and pulled him against him. “It’s okay to cry.” He whispered against Himchan’s neck. Himchan felt himself relax in his hold. It was nice to lie like this, against a warm body. The warmth flowed through his tank top, into his own body. Then the soft breathing of Yongguk continued against his ear as the man fell asleep. Himchan closed his eyes too, concentrating on the breathing behind him. Soon his breath took the same rhythm and he too fell asleep.

Himchan waited in Yongguk’s room, while the leader was discussing with the others about Hana’s and Zelo’s fate. Daehyun and Youngjae kept him company. They played a card game to amuse themselves, but they were all quiet. None of them felt like talking and they didn’t want to go downstairs to join the celebrating crowd. Daehyun informed him that Zelo and Hana were both locked in separate cells on this floor. Neither of them claimed to be sorry for what they’d done. “I won, again.” Youngjae said, putting down his cards. It was getting tiring and repetitive. The born Erudite kept outsmarting them every time. “Is there a high chance that they will be executed?” Himchan asked, throwing his cards on the pile of cards in the middle. “Surely. It’s been set between all the Dauntless that killing someone from the same faction is forbidden. If this rule is violated, there will be an execution.” Youngjae explained, adjusting his glasses as he shook the cards again. “If you’re wondering; all the leaders get a gun. One of the guns has a bullet, the others don’t. They all shoot at the same time.” Himchan nodded. It wasn’t as cruel as he’d hoped, but they would pay for Jongup’s death and that was what mattered most to him. “Jongup was such a nice boy.” Daehyun sighed. “He sure was.” Himchan agreed, his voice getting caught in his throat. “Oh, I’m sorry.” The green haired boy said, patting Himchan’s back slowly. Youngjae rolled his eyes at him. Some Dauntless had told Daehyun and Youngjae to say their condolences to Himchan, but he didn’t react to them. He didn’t really care anymore if it was found un-Dauntless to cry so much over someone’s death. Himchan wasn’t a Dauntless at heart, so he couldn’t care less if his Abnegation side was showing.

After having waited in silence for a while, the door opened. Yongguk came in, he looked like he just had the toughest conversation of his life. He took his hand through his purple hair as he gave Youngjae and Daehyun a meaningful look. “Thank you for staying with Himchan.” He said, patting the two on the shoulder as they passed him. “Well?” Himchan’s voice was smaller than he wanted it to be, but he couldn’t help but feel nervous about the final judgment. “They will be executed.” The man sighed. He sat down next to Himchan, his legs stretching out in front of him. “Both Zelo and Hana have a few hours to have their final words with the people they’ve requested to talk to.” The Dauntless seemed to have a pretty fair system. Everyone got their final words and goodbyes, just like it was in Abnegation. As far as executions took place there. It was mostly goodbyes before going into jail for the rest of your life. “Yeah, Hana is talking with her parents right now, under the eyes of guards of course. No serious topics may be spoken of.” He trailed off a bit, as if he was debating whether to continue what he was going to say or not. “Zelo…” He said, his eyebrows knitted together and he looked agitated. “Requested to have a final conversation with you.” Himchan’s breathing stopped for a moment. He sucked in some air and then kept it inside his body. He felt himself going limp at the idea of having to set foot in a room with only Zelo, let alone sitting face to face with him and have some ‘final words’. “He is with his family now, though. But there will some guards picking you up soon. I tried to tell Hyosung that it wouldn’t be a good idea, but she said we strictly had to follow the protocol, or we could just let them live too. Of course I had nothing to say to that.” Finally, Himchan let the breath blow from between his lips. He closed his eyes momentarily. Maybe to settle the final things to their alliance, which Himchan had deemed as ended as soon as he had seen them at the Vortex. But Zelo was apparently someone to go all the way, over the edge, until there was no turning back. “It’s going to be okay, Himchan. Maybe he feels guilty and wants to clear things up. Or even apologise.” Yongguk offered weakly. “Sure.” That was all Himchan could manage out, before all the images of a with blood covered Jongup came back into his mind. Zelo wouldn’t be sorry. An arm made its way around his waist, pulling him into Yongguk’s warm side. “Kim Himchan.” A guard said as he opened the door wide to see the two man sit against the bed. It seemed as if he wasn’t really looking at them. Yongguk helped Himchan up and kept his arm around his waist as they followed the guard towards Zelo’s cell. It was a long walk, with Himchan’s legs being too heavy to lift off of the ground. There was silence lingering between them, but that was better than words.

They stopped at a door with several locks on it. The door was made out of steel also. When the guard opened it, it seemed to be a few inches thick. Yongguk only let go of Himchan when he felt absolutely sure he could walk alone. The guard rushed him in, closing the door behind him. The cell was dark, poorly lit by a single light bulb haning above a table. By the table were two chairs, one occupied by Zelo. The boy didn’t life his head as the door opened, only when he heard the chair scrape over the floor. Himchan weakly sat down, his hands shaking as they tried to pull the chair backwards, away from the table. The room turned and twisted, under the effect of pure rage seething within him, making his vision less clear. “You probably wondered why I asked you.” He emphasized the word with a slight tone of admiration, which made Himchan shiver. But the man didn’t answer, instead he looked at his hands. He wanted to get out of here as soon as possible and if the boy was going to stretch the time with silences, he would be gone. “I have my reasons.” Zelo answered the unasked question, sitting back in his chair with his hands on his knees. “I broke the alliance.” He continued. Himchan clenched his hands together, to try himself to calm down a bit. “But I will make things even.” There was no possible way Zelo could ever make things even, only if he gave the life of someone who was important to him. The boy took his hand through his blue hair, showing off the new black execution clothes. They were terrifying somehow, only black with nothing else on them. Something else to make Himchan uncomfortable as he sat there. He eyed the black clothes curiously, finally able to look up from studying his hands. When Zelo noticed he got Himchan’s attention he continued; “Not everyone is on the good side.” Himchan raised his eyebrows at that. “Even those who you expect to be on the good side. Maybe even your best friends.” He said, with a meaningful look on his face as if implying that that was the case with Jongup. Jongup could never be on the bad side, though. So Himchan just looked at him, waiting for him to continue on. “You hadn’t noticed?” Zelo asked then, his eyebrows raising to his hairline. He pushed himself away from the back of the chair, leaning over the table instead, close to Himchan. “You really hadn’t noticed?” Himchan shook his head with a frown on his face. He didn’t understand what this conversation was going to. “He was an insider, Himchan. He was there to watch our every move. Note the things that seemed off to him.” Yongguk had told Himchan that no serious topics would be spoken of in this jail, but the guard hadn’t even moved an inch from his spot. He was still standing in the corner, with his arms crossed, revolver under his belt, and a blank expression on his face. “He can’t see or hear us.” Zelo said as he turned towards the corner of the room. “Well, the leaders can see us, but can’t hear us, there are cameras there.” He shook his head towards the other corner unnoticeably. “What do you mean he can’t see or hear us, he’s right there.” Zelo pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance, a sigh escaping from between his lips. “You’re really stupid. The time is almost over now, but remember one thing, Himchan;” He leaned closer again, looking up into the man’s eyes immediately, not blinking at all. “I saved you.” The door opened, light falling into the room to light up Zelo’s face. Just now, Himchan could see the emotions on his face. They hadn’t showed because of the dark, but now his face was an open book. His eyes were a little watery, his posture wasn’t as nonchalant as it had appeared to Himchan. It was just a boy, who pretended to be mature. The last thing Himchan saw before he pushed himself up from the chair, was the tattoo on the boy’s neck. It was an arrow, the sign of a martyr. He knew he would die for his own believes. The guard who had brought him here, directed him outside, pushing him into the corridor, where Yongguk was waiting.

“Are you alright?” He asked at seeing Himchan’s confused expression. “I think I am.” Himchan answered. He didn’t look at Yongguk, just walked towards his room. The rage had calmed down and he didn’t really feel sad anymore, quite the contrary; he didn’t really feel anything. He felt empty to say at least. He didn’t understand what Zelo had tried to tell him, though he could’ve just told him straight forward, he hadn’t done so. There had been something which made Zelo hesitate to just tell him the blatant truth. It must’ve been the guard. Though he couldn’t hear or see them... Zelo must’ve had his reasons. Just what were they. Himchan couldn’t find that out anymore, soon he’d be executed and the truth would go down with him. Yongguk pulled him back by his shoulder. “My room’s right here, you know?” He said, a smile breaking out on his face as Himchan awkwardly stumbled backwards. Yongguk tried his best to cheer Himchan up, little did he know that he couldn’t. The Dauntless leader opened the door to his room. “Would you mind staying here before the execution?” Himchan only shook his head as an answer. He sat down on the bed, still in deep thoughts. “I don’t know what will happen with the Initiation, it will probably pursue tomorrow, but we don’t know yet.” Yongguk sat down next to Himchan, immediately putting his arm around Himchan’s shoulders. He could feel the tense muscles under his hand. They sat like that for some minutes, until Himchan decided he had enough of just sitting and thinking. He wanted his mind to be clear when the execution would find place. So he lifted his head up, to see Yongguk look at him. He seemed to awake from a trance. He quickly blinked it away and pretended that he hadn’t been staring at him the whole time. There was still time left before Yongguk would be picked up to go to the execution parlour with the other leaders. Then Himchan would join the others in the Vortex and enter the execution parlour, where they’d be seated on the benches all around the room, like an arena. They would all watch as Hana and Zelo got shot. “Are you sure you are alright?” Yongguk asked, his hand tightening his hold on Himchan’s shoulder. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just so surreal.” Himchan sighed deeply. All of this was really happening and he would see all of it happening. “It sure is. This will be the first execution I will have to take part of. I can say I’m quite nervous actually.” Yongguk chuckled, the sound vibrating through the man next to him. Suddenly, Himchan remembered that the two initiates would have a final word at the execution too. It was a terrifying thought, that Zelo could reveal some things to all the Dauntless. “Yongguk, whatever happens later. You will still be at my side, right?” Yongguk frowned a bit, his lower lip sticking out. “Of course, Channie.” Himchan stirred again. For another reason entirely.

It was crowded in the Vortex. Everyone was talking and yelling at each other as they waited for the huge wooden doors to open up for them. In the crowd, there wasn’t anyone around who Himchan knew. It was a mass of Dauntless, pushing him around carelessly. Sometimes Himchan could swear he felt a weapon press against his body, and that while weapons were forbidden during an execution. The guards at the door would body search everyone, but there were so many Dauntless that Himchan just knew that it wouldn’t happen. After the third person they’d probably get to annoyed by it and let everyone pass. But for now they were all waiting outside. Himchan just kind of stood the midst of the crowd, making himself as small as possible not to get hurt by anyone. A hand landed on his shoulder. “Hey.” Someone whispered. Himchan turned around as best as he could. It was Jieun. Her eyes were red, her mascara and eyeliner were smudged and her hands looked rough from rubbing them together all the time. It must’ve been hard on her to have seen her brother like that. She wasn’t able to say anything else as her words were cut off by a choked sob. Her eyes filled themselves with tears. As Himchan didn’t really know what to do, he just looked at her. Maybe this was the time to imitate what Yongguk did when Himchan was upset. In Abnegation they didn’t really do these things, because it was selfish to cry in front of someone and expect their attention. Himchan slowly put out his arms and Jieun directly accepted the invitation for a hug, snuggling against his chest as she sobbed some more. He closed his arms around her, one on her back the other on her head, stroking her loose black hair. As they stood there, he counted the red streaks in her hair, patting them softly. A girl made her way through the crowd, stopping right next to them. “Who’s this, Ji?” She asked, her voice was high pitched and it sounded demanding. “This is Himchan, another initiate. He was really close to Jongup.” Jieun said in between some sniffling. She let go of Himchan, but kept him there by holding his wrist. The girl looked at him with a judging glare, taking a once over on him before deciding she didn’t even want to know him and walked away. “I really want to talk to you later, Himchan.” Jieun said, looking up at him with droopy eyes. He nodded and she let go of his wrist, following the girl of which Himchan supposed was her friend. He looked at the state of his shirt, it was wet from Jieun’s tears and it stuck to his body. Finally, the doors to the execution parlour opened. The guards stepped aside to let everyone in. Himchan felt everything spin around him as he slowly got closer to the parlour. The people around him kept talking and laughing, as if this was all no big deal. Only some had enough respect for the situation to keep quiet. The guards indeed didn’t body search, they didn’t even blink an eye as men with weapons all over them stepped into the parlour. Within no time, the room was packed, all the benches occupied. The doors closed.

In the middle stood the three Dauntless leaders, their gazes hard, their posture straight. They really looked like true leaders. All the Dauntless yelled. With one single movement of her hand, Hyosung stopped all the noises. The parlour fell completely silent. She took a deep breath as she looked around the room, her gaze going from one side to the other. And then she started with the ritual of executions in Dauntless. She said the usual greetings, named the two initiates and which rules they had broken. It ended with another movement of her hand, this time towards the big doors behind them. “Bring them in.” She said and the doors opened once again. Himchan felt his breath stock in his throat. Hana and Zelo were both dressed in the execution clothes, which made them look sorrowful. But their eyes were directed at the crowd, with a glimpse of proud flashing through them. They didn’t hesitate to stand on the planks that were laid out for them. They didn’t twitch or made any movements as the crowd booed at them, their angry shouts rebounding against the huge walls. It was a weird sight. The crowd full of grown-ups shouting out their distaste to two sixteen year olds, who had committed an unforgivable crime. The crowd calmed down out of itself, awaiting the execution, still shooting angry glances at the pair. The leaders turned to the two, all at the same time. Yongguk picked up the guns, which were prepared by a guard while everyone had been too busy shouting at Zelo and Hana. He handed out the guns to his fellow leaders. “And now, the two Dauntless will have their final words.” He shouted through the parlour. They wouldn’t be executed at the same time, that was clear as Hana stepped forward. She searched the crowd, her eyes lingering on someone on the other side of the parlour. Himchan didn’t rip his eyes away from her to see who it was, though. He was too fixated on what was about to happen, so that he couldn’t do anything at all. Taesung nodded to her to go ahead. “Things are about to happen, which will change everything. We gave up our life to save yours.” She said, her voice was monotone, as if she had practiced this sentence over and over, to the point that she could say it without a single hitch. The leaders seemed to be off-putted by this, but they kept their tough posture intact. The crowd was very confused by what she had just said. Hana closed her eyes and opened them again, her gaze going over the Dauntless leader, before resting on Hyosung. All of the leaders pointed their guns at the girl. The parlour was too silent, it was a wonder Dauntless managed to stay silent like this. Hana turned to Zelo, smiled and looked back at the leaders again. “One.” Taesung began. “Two.” The nerves started kicking in. It made Himchan feel uncomfortable. “Three.” Yongguk said. “To victory!” Hana screamed, before they pulled the trigger and a bullet hit her in her head. Himchan watched from the upper benches, as the girl fell over, her long green hair sprawling out on the floor. It stayed dead silent after that. Zelo didn’t look at Hana, but stepped forward and looked at the crowd. They had discussed this. The way they looked around was the same, the way they stood was the same. They had known this were about to happen and they had prepared it all. “I have only one thing to add,” He said, closing his eyes. “there is a Divergent the midst of us.” This made the crowd stand up and yell again. Their eyes flying across the room. They were probably imagining who it could be. Himchan clenched his fists. Even though he should be angry at Zelo, he finally understood now. They wanted a revolt. They wanted to change everything. They knew something which Himchan had yet to find out about, but it had to do with the way Dauntless was governed. Zelo wanted him to do something about it, as he was Divergent. The counting only started when the crowd had calmed down again. But as the leaders counted, it still wasn’t silent. Zelo looked up to Hyosung, just like Hana had done. They were almost at three. “To rebellion!” He screamed, as a bullet was fired. The world slowed down, the crowd went crazy, but Himchan only looked at the boy, as his knees gave up and he fell forward, next to Hana.

Himchan was brought back to Yongguk’s room by Youngjae and Daehyun. It was awfully silent in the corridors and the Vortex. Everyone thought about what had just happened. Everyone wondered what the words had meant and who the Divergent was. Yongguk had an abrupt emergency meeting with the other leaders, probably about what they should do now. If there was actually going to be rebellion, they needed a plan, fast. Himchan didn’t know which side he’d be on, he was sure he’d be on Yongguk’s side, but which side was that? All what was on Himchan’s mind was the fact that he had to talk to Yongguk, tell him about what Zelo had told him and what his final words had meant. It would maybe help him, or they could discuss what they should do. He was afraid anyone might find out about him being the Divergent. He would surely be killed, if not by leaders by all the angry Dauntless, who needed a quick and simple solution to things they couldn’t solve. “Are you able to survive on your own?” Daehyun asked as he stood in the doorway, his hand on the doorknob. He had his revolver in his other hand. It would be like that now; everyone having a weapon at hand in case someone decided you were an enemy. “Yeah.” He answered, standing in the middle of the room, nodding a bit. He took his arm in his hand, not sure of what to do. “I’m leaving then. Just... come to me if you need me. I’m in my room.” The commander smiled, before closing the door behind himself, leaving Himchan in a dark room with nothing on hands to do as he waited. The initiation would certainly be postponed now. Himchan didn’t mind. It had been too much. Four initiates dead in just a few days. It wouldn’t be the same. Especially since everyone distrusted everyone. Maybe Himchan could just quit with the amount of points he had, he had been first place after all. He could perfectly handle a weapon, knew all his fears and he felt ready enough to assimilate in the Dauntless ‘culture’.

He sat down on the bed, twisting the edge of his shirt between his fingers. If it hadn’t been for the danger outside, he would’ve just  gone away. It was tiring to constantly sit and do nothing. Not that he could do anything. He could only fulfil Zelo’s wish, but the leaders were probably thinking something else. What did Zelo want anyway? What did he want to use with rebellion. Did he want the Dauntless government to fall? But what then? Himchan felt his head ache as he thought too much about it. Zelo didn’t clearly tell him, he couldn’t. There was still a guard, but there was something with that guard. Just like the other guards. All the guards seemed expressionless. When they said something, it wasn’t really directed to the person they talked to or it didn’t sound real. “Ah, Yongguk.” He said, as he turned towards the opened door. Yongguk leaned against the doorframe for a while, just sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Let’s sleep.” He said. His voice sounded gruffly, which meant he had yelled a lot. While the whole faction was silent and turned in to themselves, the leaders were yelling and discussing. Himchan wanted to tell him everything he had figured out until now, but Yongguk pulled off his own boots, then Himchan’s and pushed the man down onto the bed. “Just sleep.” He ordered as he too laid down and pulled Himchan into his arms. “But Yongguk, I-“ He was cut off by a pair of lips sealing his own. He didn’t know what was happening. He had seen his parents kiss, but he had never kissed anyone himself and he was star struck by the fact it was Yongguk kissing him. When the other man started moving his lips, he just did too, following the other’s movements and hoping it was okay. “Close your eyes, Himchan. This is awkward.” Yongguk said into the kiss, licking at Himchan’s lower lip. The man obliged and closed his eyes, opening his mouth to let Yongguk slip his tongue in. They pulled apart to breath, their chests heaving. “I can’t sleep if you do that.” Himchan said and Yongguk chuckled. He didn’t listen to Himchan’s complaints though, and he started nibbling at Himchan’s neck.

Himchan ended up sprawled underneath Yongguk, panting and moaning while clawing at Yongguk’s back for support. They were a heap of tangled limbs. Yongguk was apparently a master of fleeting touches. The tips of his fingers just barely graced his skin, leaving him desperate for more. This was the most selfless act he had ever committed, and he was loving it. The way Yongguk kissed his abdomen adoringly, sometimes glancing up at him with those pitch black eyes. It was all lovely, until Yongguk pushed into him. He gasped, gripping onto Yongguk’s back harsher. “Relax.” Yongguk said, kissing his temple and brushing his black hair away from his face. If it was really supposed to hurt like this, he wondered why some women liked it so much. It was awful and he felt blood dripping from his opening. “I’m sorry.” Yongguk whispered into his ear. All Himchan could see were tears blurring his sight. It took him a few minutes, before he started getting so uncomfortable that he slapped the other man’s back and told him to move. Yongguk pulled out slowly, which made Himchan hiss in pain. Then he pushed back in, a little faster than the first time. “I’m sorry.” He repeated again. One of his hands was still stroking Himchan’s hair, as the other was placed next to his waist. He set up a slow rhythm, still giving Himchan time to adjust. Himchan moaned loudly, his back arching. It was a sudden feel of pleasure coursing through his body. It had him pushing back against Yongguk, his hips moving on its own to get more of Yongguk in him. Yongguk groaned too, sitting up and placing his hands on Himchan’s hips to speed up.

“I love you.” Yongguk whispered, as he once again pulled Himchan against his chest, still stroking the other’s abdomen and smiling. Himchan’s throat stocked. A lump formed in his throat and he felt a little weird on the inside. But the warm feeling that the words gave him made him feel so wonderful that he opened his mouth and whispered it back, softly. He could see Yongguk’s smile widen, even in the dark. Himchan felt himself warm up even more at that. He looked down to chest in front of him, which was covered in tattoos. Even though he didn’t like tattoos that much, he liked it on Yongguk. It suited him. It weren’t those meaningless tattoos to just ruin the skin. The tattoos which would be visible when wearing a t-shirt were all Dauntless tattoos, but those on his back and chest showed who he really was. Rough on the outside, which everyone could see, nice and warm on the inside which he only showed to a few. Himchan trailed his fingers of the tattoo on Yongguk’s back which he had seen when Yongguk fell down. The one that said ‘do what you like, love what you do’. He sighed, putting his hand over Yongguk’s in between their bodies and falling asleep soundly.

When he woke up, the bed was empty. He patted the sheets to see if Yongguk was still there, but the leader was gone. He couldn’t have actually thought he’d still be there, he had other things to do now, but it still hurt a bit. He sat up, his eyes trying to orient in the dark room. He took his hand through his hair slowly. The sheets were still warm, so Yongguk couldn’t have gone away too long ago. It was still silent. He stood up, taking the sheets with him to cover up his lower half as he walked over to where his clothes lay on the floor. Before he could pick his T-shirt up the door opened. He squinted his eyes to the bright light falling into the room. “Oh... Himchan... You want to join us for breakfast?” Daehyun asked. Himchan awkwardly stood there, clutching the sheets and trying to melt away in a puddle to escape from Daehyun’s eyes. The man didn’t look at him in disgust, but there was something in his eyes which told him that Daehyun shouldn’t have seen this all. “Yeah, sure. I just need to get dressed.” He said, picking up his T-shirt and waving Daehyun off. He pulled on his T-shirt, then his pants and lastly his boots. Before he went outside though, he went to search for a gun. Yongguk must’ve had one lying around. As all Dauntless had weapons everywhere. He found one in the drawer under some clothes. He put it in his boot. “Let’s go.” He said to Daehyun as he entered the corridor. He ignored the pain in his lower back as they walked to the dining hall

The dining hall was just like always, there was a little less useless fighting and yelling, but everyone was lively again. “Oh, there you are.” Youngjae said, smiling up at him as he pushed his glasses further up his nose. Daehyun went off to get them both some food. Himchan sat down next to Youngjae, eyeing the leaders table, which was empty. “You smell.” The Erudite commented as he scrunched up his nose in disgust. He indeed didn’t smell nice. Maybe he should’ve taken a shower before going to the dining hall, but it was too late for that now. Youngjae ostensibly unnoticeably tried to sit a little further away from the man next to him. The people around them weren’t even talking about what had happened yesterday. Just like always, they just forgot what they wanted to forget. That must’ve been an easy life. “So... you and Yongguk?” Daehyun said, putting down two trays of food. Himchan ignored that, he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t know if Yongguk would want him to. “Yongguk told me about it, he told me to give you some painkillers.” The commander pointed at two blue pills on the tray he had given to Himchan. Youngjae looked even more disgusted. Daehyun didn’t really seem faced by it all. “Come on, Youngjae. It’s not like you’ve never been with your girlfriend like that before. It’s just the same.” He said to the Erudite boy. “But she’s my girlfriend. And a girl.” Himchan just shrugged. He didn’t see the difference, it was both loving someone. It was probably because he was a new Dauntless and Yongguk was the leader of his faction. He probably couldn’t picture his leader having an intimate relationship with someone. Himchan swallowed the pills in one go, and then shoved his food in his mouth. He was hungry as hell as he hadn’t eaten dinner the night before. “Not because I want to cause revolt, but is anything going to happen now?” Daehyun and Youngjae looked at each other for a while. “No one knows yet, the leaders are discussing about what to do.” Youngjae decided in the end. And Daehyun nodded. They were holding something back from Himchan, he could just feel it. They were two important people to Dauntless, every detail must’ve been said to them already. Even if it was nothing.

Yongguk came into the room briefly after breakfast, he told him he’d be discussing things all day and he would be back at night. He said that Himchan could just do whatever he wanted. When Himchan said he wanted to talk to him, Yongguk nodded and placed a kiss on his forehead. “See you tonight, Channie.” The Dauntless leader smiled his gummy smile and left. The sound of his boots against metal sounding through the door, quieting down as he walked away. Himchan sighed. He didn’t want to sit in Yongguk’s room all day, nor did he really want to do anything else. The accompany of Youngjae and Daehyun was also a little too much as of now. Both had been acting weird and Himchan intended to ignore them for a few days. The other initiates probably wouldn’t want to see him, just like Himchan didn’t want to see them. The only initiate he had a bond with had been Jongup, but the others were just faces with names. So Himchan pushed himself up from the bed, opening the door to the corridor. There were a few guards strolling around, their weapons on their shoulders and their gazes directed at a point ahead of them. Through the large windows on one side, Himchan could see the heads from the leaders in the window room. It seemed like they were in deep conversation. When he reached the elevator he pushed the button to go down. As he waited he started thinking about where he should go. He could go to the Vortex, which was basically the only option left. The elevator doors opened. Two men in blue suits nodded at him as they passed. Those weren’t Dauntless. Judging by the colour of their clothes they were Erudite. But what were they doing here? The two men walked faster, their lacquered black shoes clicking on the floor like high heels. They looked around with quick glances, their smooth hair bouncing around their face. As much as they looked like they shouldn’t be there, the guards didn’t stop them. Were they expected by the leaders? Himchan entered the elevator, the doors closing in front of him.