THE ULTIMATE FIC ROUND-UP (or My Evening Went into Coding This), PART I
I made a post with links to some of my fills for the CAPSLOCK_MGS KINK MEME a while ago, but I've written some more for it since then and figured I might as well convert them to the regular format and archive them all in one place. It's a very eclectic mix of crack and seriousness, occasionally within the same fic, so be warned. (It's a thing of wonder what goes on in these request memes! Also, I did not realize I'd written that much until I had to wade through it again.)
Let the mental scarring festivities commence! Split into groups for your convenience.
BIG BOSS/KAZ
Prompt by cherrytruck: "BB/Kaz; one of them threatens to break up with the other (ie. Kaz doesn't agree with BB's Outer Heaven vision, or maybe BB finds Kaz to be too flirtatious with women, or possibly both! The more reasons the better XD). This leads to a violent fight followed by steaming hatesex. But then they enjoy it and in the end they make up with each other. Happy ending for all."
Business Revision
"All right. If you're so clear on where the MSF should be headed, you might as well lead it there yourself!" Big Boss slammed his fist down on the table, almost knocking the two unfinished cups of maté over. This was more than he'd have expected from a supposedly ordinary talk about the future direction of their company. "Good luck, commander. I have a chopper to catch."
Kaz watched him storm out of the office, unmoved. "You're not serious."
"Watch me," Big Boss deadpanned without turning back.
---
Five minutes had elapsed - ten - fifteen - and nothing stirred near the doorway Big Boss had used to make his exit. Kaz downed the remainder of his maté - or had that been Snake's? - before hurling the cup at the nearest chair in frustration. To hell with it, Snake couldn't just bail out on them all. Much as Kaz resented it when he had to beg, it was undeniably the lesser evil at the moment. Adjusting his glasses with a huff, he set out after the renegade.
No choppers taking off were heard, which led Kaz to assume the worst had not yet happened. That intolerable asshole, he seethed internally. First he tells me he's leaving and now he decides to sneak around instead? That does it. That really fucking does it, Snake...
At long last, after running up and down stairs at a speed high enough to induce alarm in anyone unlucky enough to see him, Kaz made it to the locker room. He might as well have gone there straight away, but then he wasn't in an exactly logical state of mind. So when he beheld the disarray that greeted him and Big Boss just sitting on the bench in the middle of it, it was all he could do not to break the door in two when he kicked it shut.
"Making sure this place is used well?" said Big Boss, not bothering to look up. "You could have waited for me to pack, at least."
Kaz grabbed the older man by the collar, yanking him unceremoniously to his feet. "That's bullshit and you know it."
Retaliating at once, Snake kneed his captor right in the stomach, exploiting the momentary imbalance to break free. Kaz gasped but it barely slowed him down when he lunged for Big Boss again, cornering him. They glared at each other briefly across the cramped space; Kaz attempted to capture both of Snake's wrists but succeeded only with the left, which he was made painfully aware of when Big Boss seized him by the arm, twisting it behind his back as he escaped. Before Kaz knew it, Snake had him in a chokehold, the entire length of his body pressed against his back.
"What's it to you if I stay or not?" Kaz felt the hot breath on his ear and couldn't help the goosebumps it gave him. "You're capable of decision-making on your own. Even more so of finding your entertainment."
"Just use your...skills in deduction," Kaz ground out between fury and a genuine lack of breath, "and you'll see." He fell to his knees when Snake suddenly let him go, rubbing his throat. It was only thanks to his peripheral vision that he noticed Big Boss step up next to him. Without even pretending to think about it, Kaz jumped.
And knocked Snake to the floor. Although the only sound coming from his victim was a muted groan, Kaz was no rookie when it came to reading people: Big Boss had felt that all right. Probably still did, come to think of it.
Making sure not to loosen his grip, Kaz lifted himself a little to straddle his captive. Take no chances was his motto in combat, after all. He bent down and more growled than said, "I can't believe I went after you. MSF would be better off if someone who actually has common sen--"
How did one maintain a monologue with their mouth suddenly tasting of copper? Kaz had no idea, but what he was more than certain of was the sharp pain in his jaw and freshly split lip. Not to mention that he no longer had Snake pinned beneath him at all. Dammit.
He'd scarcely had time to spit out the blood before he found himself up against the nearest locker, trapped. His hands had been slammed to the hard surface on either side of his head, and with Big Boss holding them in place there wasn't much of a chance for Kaz to worm his way out of his current position. Especially with the rest of Snake's body adding to the pressure working against him. He tried to at least deliver a kick to Big Boss's ankle, but even Kaz himself realized that it was more a display of resistance than a serious try to turn the tables. This was it, then. He'd gone out of his way to chase down this infuriating bastard - to negotiate with him, no less - and had nothing to show for his efforts but embarrassment. Again.
Oddly enough, he didn't mind it as much as he would have preferred under the circumstances. Angry as Kaz might have been, he couldn't ignore the undertone of intimacy that always pervaded their squabbling, not even this time around. There was also the adrenaline rush to consider, the quickening pulse that was well on its way towards making him light-headed.
Whatever the case, Kaz was long past caring to begin with. Hadn't he already lost anyway? Might as well wipe that smug grin off Big Boss's face. That was, in fact, all the motivation he needed to follow through.
He snapped his head forward in one swift motion, hardly acknowledging the collision when he hit Snake's forehead, which caused his captor to stagger backwards. Not willing to leave any room for the golden opportunity to be compromised, Kaz pulled him close again, only to cover Snake's mouth with his.
It wasn't so much a kiss as it was a clash, a free-for-all battle with the appropriate taste of blood mixed in. Kaz did manage to force his tongue in at first, but lost his advantage the moment Big Boss located the break in his lower lip and attacked it with his teeth. Despite his liking of a little pain on occasion, Kaz had not expected it just then. He cried out.
Snake shook his head. "Giving up yet?"
Kaz didn't even dignify that with an answer. No, taking Big Boss off guard to force him against the wall was much more effective in driving the point home than pointless verbosity. He felt Snake's hands settle on his hips in the process, eloquent.
He thrust against Snake a few times, thoughtless, before sliding one of his thighs between the other's legs. Big Boss's hand tangled in his hair in return; another sloppy kiss. They stood teasing each other for what was probably a much shorter time than it seemed, rubbing and squeezing through unfeeling fabric.
When Kaz noticed that Big Boss was unbuttoning his jacket, he wondered with some detachment why he hadn't done it earlier. No matter. He stepped back and returned the favour, not pausing until he'd unbuckled Snake's belt and undid the zipper for good measure. By that point, though, Kaz's own pants and underwear had dropped to the same level with his boots. Perfect, he swore to himself. It couldn't have been plainer by now just how aroused he was.
"Nice," Big Boss remarked nonchalantly. Kaz shot him a scathing look before all but tearing his trousers down.
"Likewise." And if you'd rather have a morale boost, only too bad for you.
Big Boss tilted his head in mock-curiosity, then touched two of his fingers to Kaz's lips. The younger man glared but acquiesced, if only to please himself in the end. It sure as hell was late for negotiation.
It didn't take long for Kaz to grab Big Boss's wrist and guide his hand to where he wanted it. Most of the way resembled a gratuitous muscle contest, however, as Snake clearly wouldn't yield an inch without a fight unless he was the one to set directions. Which was the main reason Kaz let his hand go after a while, far too impatient to want the last laugh anymore. Big Boss chuckled and completed the descent, no time wasted as he pressed his slickened fingers inside.
"Fucking prick," Kaz sighed throatily, just to keep up the form of this encounter. Insults were expected, perhaps even mandatory. Certainly better than--
His hips bucked, and he knew he wouldn't hold out for long. Then Snake's fingers angled to hit the spot and that was all it took, the excitement of their previous duel and the stimulation finally proving too much to contain.
No way. No way he was letting Snake get away with this. Forcing himself back into focus, Kaz wrapped his hand around Snake's erection and pumped roughly until he'd made his partner follow suit. They slumped against each other afterwards, little more than a tired pile of mess.
Silence.
"Well, that was..."
"Yeah."
They broke out in laughter almost simultaneously and went on until Big Boss stopped to suck on Kaz's bloody lip. The younger man hummed appreciatively, not taking long to turn the contact into a lazy kiss.
"So, Boss?" Kaz ventured once their mouths had parted.
It earned him a brief but genuine smile. "Let's get back to business."
Prompt by cherrytruck: "Big Boss is tired of Kaz keeping his glasses on and does everything from punching him to firing Carl Gustavs to even trying to photoshop his glasses out of his photos but fails miserably at all his attempts. Kaz persists but BB wants to know the reason Kaz never takes his shades off. It's up to you whatever reason it is and whether BB eventually succeeds in his mission or not."
Naked Snake's Hardest Mission
They were leisurely fucking that night, the ceiling lights still on in the anti-romantic fashion appropriate for the interiors of Mother Base. At least, Big Boss was being leisurely about it. Kaz, on the other hand, had about become a squirming mess over the span of the past twenty minutes. His hands were tightening convulsively every few seconds, handcuffed to the bed above his head.
Resolving their previous argument this way had seemed a lot more manageable when he'd first agreed to the idea.
"Snake--!"
"Ready to give up?" Big Boss asked with a horribly smug grin, fingertips against Kaz's sunglasses.
Kaz let out a strangled breath, shuddering all over, "You wish."
"Well, in that case..." Big Boss pulled out almost completely before sliding into place again, "have patience, young one."
Kaz growled pathetically in frustration.
---
"Hope you're not having trouble reading that map," said Big Boss off-handedly as Kaz squinted at the large sheet of paper. Actually, wasn't the print deliberately smaller than usual on this one?
He shot his partner a dirty look through the sunglasses - "Nice try, Snake!" - before returning to the task at hand. Shit, but he was going to have a hard time of this.
Big Boss seated himself on the chair opposite Kaz's desk, watching.
---
The MSF Kill House had finally cleared of all the new recruits trying to hone their skills in marksmanship, giving Kaz an opportunity to polish his without distractions. He was in a class of his own, after all - or he soon would be, and then he'd outdo that egotistical "Ocelot" he'd encountered during his most recent visit to Cipher. Then he'd show Big Boss what gun mastery looked like--
Were those footsteps Kaz had just heard? He went still for a moment, alert, but no sound reached his ears anymore. Oh well. He steadied his aim and fired, hitting the target right in the head. And another. And another one in the belly.
And then someone's hand closed over his mouth.
"I could take them off right now," Snake hissed - humorous, Kaz remarked to himself - into his ear.
Stay calm. He wouldn't.
It was difficult to convince himself, though, as Big Boss slowly moved his hand to hover it over Kaz's notorious accessory, maintaining the position with menacing stillness. No, no, this was no good.
"Bastard..." Kaz whined, only succeeding in making Big Boss chuckle. That, however, was his intention exactly. Using the momentary distraction, Kaz wriggled himself free, stuffing the butt of his gun in Big Boss's face.
"How'd you like it if I took that stupid eyepatch of yours off?"
Snake's lips curved into a smirk. "You're on, Kazuhira."
They both struck at the same time, but Big Boss's fist was the first to hit the mark. Which, as it happened, was Kaz's jawbone.
"Heh," was all the acknowledgement Kaz allowed for the blow. "If you're after the sunglasses, you gotta aim a little higher."
"Yeah, smash them into your eye socket," Big Boss muttered darkly. Kaz elbowed him in the ribs for good measure, then turned to leave as though nothing at all had happened. A notable exception from this was his farewell:
"Better luck next time, Boss."
---
"Goddammit, Snake!" Kaz bellowed across the sunlit beach, having just narrowly dodged a Carl Gustav missile roaring his way. "Are you trying to kill me here or what?"
Unfortunately for Big Boss, Kaz's shades were only a little upset after the spectacle. Kaz pushed them back to the bridge of his nose, his entire body radiating fury. Which, considering he was almost naked at the moment, made for quite the powerful glare.
It was Big Boss who stormed away in anger, though, mind already forming stealthy designs on bb-guns.
---
Checking that all the lights were out, Big Boss crept into Kaz's room. He'd know his way to the bed if he were blind by now, and Kaz's outline was not that hard to make out against the off-white sheets. Perfect. Now all he had to do was reach out and--
What the hell was this? Did Kaz wear a freaking eye mask when he slept alone?
The iron grip Big Boss suddenly felt around his wrist would have been enough of a confirmation, even without the accompanying "Don't."
"Kaz, I had no idea--" Big Boss fumbled, but was cut off before the explanation had a chance to proceed.
"Just. Shut up, Snake. And keep your itchy hands off my eyemask."
"Now you mention it," Big Boss ventured, "my hands sure are 'itching' for something now." He rested one on Kaz's chest, careful not to startle him with the gesture. Kaz gave an unabashed snort at that, but shifted to make room regardless.
"Fine by me, Snake. As long as you don't touch the mask."
That was all the encouragement Big Boss needed to lean over and give Kaz a rough kiss. He was pleasantly surprised to find that despite the younger man's insistence to cover parts of his face, the rest of his body was nude beneath the sheets. Just then, he felt Kaz groping for his belt buckle, struggling to open it with clumsy eagerness.
"Seriously, though," he tried for one last time before the moment got the better of him, "why are the shades so important to you?"
"Maybe one day, I'll tell you," Kaz whispered against his lips, and that pretty much sealed the deal.
What was so wrong with that eyemask, anyway?
*
Snake-- Kaz started writing, feeling like the protagonist of a cheap romance. There was no way around it, though. He would write this and hide it well, possibly outside Mother Base the next time he left, until it was time for Big Boss to learn the truth. For now, Kaz simply needed to commit to the prospect. He knew that he'd feel better as soon as he got that out of the way.
You wanted to know the story behind the shades, so to speak. Damn, was this a delicate letter to string together. How to break to someone that a trusted second-in-command has been consistently spying on them on behalf of a former ally?
However it was done, Kaz had to give it a try.
Well... There's another thing I never told you (you must be sick of that sentence already). I knew who Paz and Zadornov were because I've been a spy for the same organization, although with motives different from theirs. I am not working against you, at least not in the way our former clients were. In fact, I'm It's complicated, okay?
But Boss, I hate lying to you. I can do it without looking suspect, but it's never been something I enjoyed. That's why I wear the sunglasses all the time. It helps keep things in check. I mean, it's not likely I'd forget myself and just spill the beans; it's the eye-contact I don't want to risk. I couldn't handle it, faking innocence to your face like that. Or maybe I could - but to be honest, I don't wanna know.
Now you see why I couldn't give you an answer when you asked. If you're reading this, it means I'm finally ready to own up. I'm sorry.
-Kaz
Prompt by cherrytruck: "BB/Kaz; 69; because Kaz is sick and tired of boosting morale all the time so he goes on strike and the only way to get his morale boosted is if BB does it for him."
Can't Spell 'Morale' without 'Oral'
"Kaz."
"Yeah?" The MSF subcommander glared at Snake across the table, taking a threatening sip of coffee.
"I don't want to be too demanding, but..." Big Boss sighed. "Our entire troops' morale depends on you. You do know that, right?"
"Right."
"So why is that I leave for one day and when I get back, Mother Base is in an even worse state than when we got it? I didn't put you in charge to see this place fall into the Caribbean, Kaz! I might as well have let Coldman do that; at least MSF wouldn't be crumbling from the inside if he'd just nuked us off the Earth!"
Kaz gave an indistinct huff in response before he jumped to his feet, the motion brimming with anger the likes of which Snake had never seen from him before. After all, entrusting the psychological well-being of each individual soldier to Kaz had been no off-handed folly on Big Boss's part. Miller's laid-back attitude was usually what kept the ranks together. What was his problem all of a sudden?
"Maybe," Kaz began dangerously quiet, "if you paid any attention this wouldn't come as such a surprise."
Snake blinked. Attention to what? Sure, Kaz had seemed a little cranky in the past week or so, but no way that was anything serious...they couldn't all be cheery all the time...
But the next second, Kaz's irritated voice made short work of his musings. "Thought you wouldn't get it. Now if you'll excuse me--"
"Wait," Big Boss stepped into the other's way on instinct, the tried and true method of eliminating possible escape routes. "You give me the evil eye all evening and won't even deign to tell me why? Damn, I was better off with the CIA."
"You really wanna know?" Kaz didn't even need to put up a physical struggle to show his annoyance. "Imagine this. You're out there kicking enemy ass, sending people for recovery left and right. Do you know what that means for the crew back here?"
"Uh."
"It means," Kaz drawled venomously, "that someone has to sort all these soldiers out when they arrive. Send the violent ones to the brig, the wounded to sickbay, find the rest some decent gear, and that's not to talk about food and accommodation and so on. And of course," his tone dropped to that irate pitch again, "someone also has to try and persuade the uncooperative recruits, as well as keep the rest entertained while they're not on missions so they don't end up just playing cards or brawling all over the place. You understand, Boss?"
"Entertaining them? What's that supposed to mean?"
"It can mean lots of things," Kaz muttered with an angry toss of his head. "What would you prefer it to be?"
Just then, Snake felt his partner's hand - which he hadn't trapped as effectively as he might have thought - pressing against his crotch. He inhaled sharply as the realization hit. "You're kidding, right?"
"Not a chance."
"But Kaz, you're my second-in-command! What the hell are you doing playing gigolo?"
"I don't know...it just sort of happened," was all Kaz had to offer in explanation. "It didn't even start annoying me until recently--"
"Until recently! Damn...all those random losers I recovered because I'd forgotten to bring my analyzer... You had to deal with them all?"
Kaz fixed him with a long-suffering stare. "More or less, yeah."
"So that's why you went on strike. Shit, next time I'll think before I Fulton..."
"They weren't exactly happy about it. I told you to lay off the recoveries! Once a guy fell into the ocean thanks to you, for god's sake - talk about wasted effort there." Strangely enough, Kaz sounded a lot more good-natured saying this than he had a moment ago when he'd acted all secretive. It gave Big Boss the inexplicable urge to lean in and just kiss him silent.
He opted for rare diplomacy instead. "Is there any way we could get even?" Make it up to you would have been a better way to phrase it, but that would sound beyond hopeless. Snake had always been one to let his actions speak for him.
Wrapping his arms around Snake's torso, Kaz was the one to kiss him first. "Well," he purred afterwards, "if my job here is boosting soldiers' morale, then the only one left to boost mine is you."
"Chain of command, eh?" Snake smirked and stepped back a little, fingers already unbuckling Kaz's belt before proceeding to the obstacles beneath.
"You g-got it, Boss," Kaz gasped when the older man's hot breath hit his skin. He braced himself against the table, surprised he kept his balance as Snake took him in his mouth. It had been so long since anyone had dropped to their knees for him that he could barely remember how good it felt.
He came this close to giving the sensations free rein, but eventually stopped himself. Stopped Snake, too, for that matter. By means of some unpleasant hair-tugging.
"What the--"
"Nothing," he replied just as hoarsely, "only I have a better idea." With that, Kaz pushed himself up and onto the tabletop effortlessly, motioning for Big Boss to join him, sweeping the abandoned dinner plates out of the way.
"Kaz, if it's one of those ideas that--"
"Will you shut up for one minute," the blond retorted before sprawling out on the table on his back the way he was, uniform and underwear bunched up around his ankles at this point. "You were the one who wanted to get even. Besides, I don't mind entertaining you."
Snake's single eye lit up in realization. Amused, Kaz propped himself up on his elbows and gave him a smile that would have looked coy on anyone else, or to anyone who didn't know better. "You need help getting those pants off or what?"
It was a stupid question to ask a stealth soldier, and was discarded as such in a swish of fabric. The way Big Boss immediately took the cue when Kaz lay back with his head inches from the edge of the table was even more eloquent. Though neither of them managed to be graceful, with their current alignment they kept a precarious balance.
Aware that Snake had been the neglected party until now, Kaz wasted no time in correcting that gross injustice. He could tell Snake was giving him a head start, pun intended, since it took a lot of tongue-twisting and careful grazing with teeth from Kaz for his accomplice to even start returning the favour. Not that Kaz exactly minded that. The moment he felt Big Boss resume his stimulation of Kaz's cock, he hooked both of his arms around Snake's hips to hold him steady, swallowing as much of his length as he could manage.
The reaction was violent and instantaneous - a startled gasp at first and Snake shuddered, for a moment totally abandoning his previous pursuit. Kaz did his best to suppress the urge to chuckle, at least until he became conscious of Snake's sloppy attempt to keep up and realized that broken lapping turned him on even more.
It was clear from the tightening in Snake's muscles that he wouldn't hold out for long. Kaz's earlier irritation replaced by competitiveness (which, to be honest, was a lot more natural state of mind for him), he could only think of making Big Boss come first. And he knew he'd get that victory even before it happened, with Snake snarling a muffled curse and shaking like a leaf above him, giving him no choice but to swallow down.
"Sorry," Snake mumbled before shifting the other way around. Kaz didn't even bother looking, simply lay there with his eyes closed, relishing the final escalation of feeling as Snake's mouth engulfed him again from what was apparently a more comfortable position. Kaz's fingers tangled in the other's hair for a moment, grip clenching to near white-knuckled when Snake's attentions finally brought him over the edge.
The next thing he realized was that Big Boss had relocated again, head resting against Kaz's shoulder. Kaz imagined the sight the two of them would make should anyone suddenly enter the room, and very nearly burst out laughing at the idea.
"I've always wanted to try that."
Snake lifted his head, giving him a look of utter disbelief. "You mean you hadn't before?"
Kaz punched in the arm half-heartedly. "Incredible, huh?"
"Well," Big Boss chuckled, "I see now why those guys were pissed off you walked out on them. That's quite the technique you've got."
Kaz didn't dignify that with a response. And for the time being, all was well.
Prompt by cherrytruck: "Kaz/vibrator; lots of description of Kaz's face and body as he's doing it; bonus if he gets upset about it at the end because he's not getting the real deal. :("
Morale Drop
Okay, Kaz, that's just pathetic.
He shook his head in resignation, looking down at the object in his hand. Really, since when did Kazuhira Miller have to resort to sex toys? He could waltz into the MSF mess hall this very second and charm almost any one of its occupants if he was that desperate for random sex. At least whoever he ended up screwing would be an actual person. Nothing spiced up bedroom antics better than snarky banter in Kaz's book.
The problem was, he didn't want random sex. He didn't want to deal with anyone right now. And so, with a sigh, he kicked off his shoes and climbed into bed.
He tugged his pants and undergarments down almost viciously, unbuttoned his shirt, then lay still for a few long moments. Fuck this, he wasn't even all that horny anymore. Maybe he should've paid a visit to the shower stalls after his return, just in case he caught a glimpse of Snake.
Snake. Yeah, that was a conducive trail of thought. Eyes closed, Kaz began to stroke himself slowly, breathing controlled to be near-inaudible. He wasn't worried someone could press their ear to the door, but the odd silence of his room was comforting. And he could focus better.
He could really use a good shower fight tonight, not in the least because he probably deserved the beating. No, Kaz was just too good at keeping secrets. That made it sound better than to call what he did double-crossing.
No. Don't go there. You're trying to take your mind off this. Moving his hand with more determination, Kaz did all he could to steer his mind in any other direction but the one he had unwittingly assumed. No scheming. No double agents. No business intrigue.
No Cipher.
It took a while longer, but eventually Kaz's obsession with his commander got the better of him - as always, he chuckled inwardly. Truth was, he couldn't help it. Big Boss fascinated him in every way. They could each keep their secrets, but they'd still laugh together over breakfast every morning for as long as they had MSF. Yes, Kaz was a damn sight luckier than those Cipher people.
He arched his back slightly at the thought; clearly he'd managed to wind himself up to the point where rational thought had been pushed back, replaced with the vivid flashes certain thoughts inspired. Kaz had enough images of Snake to last him a lifetime - not that it stopped him from collecting more. Noting the slickness that had spread across his fingers, he cracked his eyes open for an instant to find the vibrator he'd set aside and smeared the makeshift lube over it. He wouldn't mind if this hurt a little.
After a bit of half-hearted preparation, Kaz was more than ready to speed up the proceedings. He couldn't help the moan escaping him at the first intrusion; there was an edge of pain to the feeling, but precisely the kind he enjoyed most. Halfway in, he turned on the vibration, gasping at the novelty of it. What a way to turn his conscious mind into incoherent mush.
Precisely the state where he could recall Snake with no consequences. Running his free hand up and down his own chest, he imagined Big Boss doing the same thing, fingernails digging into the sweaty skin. Just then the device he was handling hit on the spot that made Kaz throw his head back, moaning with feverish abandon. He relocated the unoccupied hand to his face, tracing the contour of his nose, then lips, then probing inside to flick his tongue against the digits. His chest rose and fell too abruptly for him to suppress the ragged breathing - hell, he caught himself crying out in spite of the fingers in his mouth; how desperate was that? Well, probably not as much as wrapping that same hand around his cock the next second to finish himself off already.
His entire body shuddered as he came; if he made any sound at all, he couldn't remember afterwards. By the time Kaz opened his eyes again, everything was quiet.
"Snake," he mumbled wearily in the afterglow. His nag of a conscience was starting to reawaken, but its intensity was dimmed significantly thanks to the pleasant lethargy that enveloped him now. He could lie like that for a little longer. Just as long as he cleaned up before he fell asleep.
Tomorrow, it would be time to put the shades back on.
GEN
Prompt by cherrytruck: "MGS characters (I'd prefer the Peace Walker gang but you can add other characters if you want) stumbling across capslock_mgs. They look through our pchat caps and kink meme and well, I'd take it their reaction isn't a pleasant one...
Mantis Would Be Proud
"Boss!" echoed through the halls of Mother Base one night in a thoroughly panicked version of Kaz's voice, alerting every last goon to the fact that something was going very, very wrong.
"What's the matter, Kaz? What's sending you into hysterics this time?" Big Boss demanded once he'd made his way to the source of the blood-curdling howl. The moment his gaze fell upon the scene in the MSF science lab, however, all the irony drained from his voice.
Kaz was standing behind Huey, gripping the backrest of the scientist's wheelchair so tight his knuckles had turned white. And as for Huey himself, he sat there with his mouth open, eyes widened to near-unnatural proportions, staring into space. Or rather, into his monitor.
"Kaz? Huey?" Big Boss ventured, careful not to aggravate their shock by a raised voice or any harsh movements. Still, he was their commander and he had to know. The very fate of MSF could be at stake, here. This was no time for misplaced politeness.
Utilizing his stealth skills, he moved behind the frozen duo - and his own jaw promptly dropped.
Looking back at him from the computer screen was a hand-drawn version of himself, clad in his sneaking suit and inviting Kaz to a "debriefing" with an unmistakably suggestive air to the proposal. Next to them stood Strangelove hugging a pillow with an uncanny likeness of The Boss emblazoned on it, pursued by both Cecile and Huey who did not look amused.
Being the most hardcore of them all, Big Boss was the first to regain the power of speech. "What the-- how did they know?!"
Kaz fixed him with a serious look from beyond the shades, face paler than a pancake. "Snake, I have no idea. Could it be that Cipher group again?"
"I don't think so..." Big Boss replied with more certainty than he let on. If there was one thing he knew Zero to be incapable of, it was drawing Snake in compromising situations with anyone but himself. No, this had to be something else.
"Look how much there is of it, too," said Kaz unhelpfully. They spent the next hour and a half browsing the insane collection, which seemed to range from things they did on a daily basis to pure absurdity. Somehow, that made the experience all the more disturbing.
"I mean, what is it with them and these 'gayviators'? I would never!"
"Kaz, is it true you've given blowjobs to everybody in Mother Base?"
"Lies! I do not have a "white boy pancake ass"! Nor do I wax my-- uh, never mind."
"Um, Kaz? Would you mind doing that Santa cosplay for me tomorrow...?"
"Shit, I hope Strangelove has that photo of Cecile lying somewhere."
"...Okay, this proves Zero is not behind this. He'd never actually admit he has a permanent hard-on for me. But yeah, that broken lighter was his fault."
"Boss, who is this Ocelot guy? I thought we had officially settled down!"
"This is outrageous! I have no need for surrounding myself with reflective surfaces and-- and--"
"Oh well, at least I'm not Raikov..."
"Holy mother of God! Who spied on our karaoke sessions?! Oh, but Cecile's French wine was a good one, gotta give them that."
"You know what, Kaz, that glory hole is a great idea! I'm getting the R&D team on it first thing tomorrow."
"Huey! Is it true about you and your cock-sized-- Huey? Earth to Huey!" Big Boss yelled to the bespectacled nerd who, as he and Kaz only just realized, had remained silent the entire time.
Throwing each other a concerned glance, Big Boss and Kaz did the only thing men of their field experience could: they grabbed Huey by the shoulders and shook and shook, until his glasses dislodged and landed on the table. Oddly enough, that disturbance roused him at last.
"Why," he began in such a broken voice that it sent shivers down one's spine, "why does this always happen to me? All I wanted was to check up on updates to the Washington Treaty and here I go, hacking into a site that doesn't exist yet, on a network that hasn't even gone public, and what do I find but a sarcastic picture of myself falling off stairs in ridiculous stockings? It's always this crap with us Emmerichs! Everything we touch turns to nukes or weird porn! I am done with this job, done with my research, done with these Harry Potteresque glasses--"
"Doctor, is there a problem?"
Both Kaz and Big Boss jumped at the sudden intrusion, but all Huey did was cover the screen by draping his weapon design sheets over it. None of them needed to turn around to identify the entirely too calm newcomer as Strangelove.
"What's the commotion about?" she asked, clearly not about to buy excuses.
Huey, on the other hand, was banking on precisely that forlorn hope. "I-it's nothing! The lightbulb up there, it exploded! I mean, Miller just fixed it--"
"With a bit of good faith and glue," Kaz muttered under his breath, earning himself a chuckle from Big Boss.
But Strangelove was having none of it. Briskly, she crossed the room and pulled the makeshift monitor curtain aside, swatting Huey's flailing hands away as she went. Then she perused the contents. Big Boss and Kaz focused pointedly on the floor; Huey buried his head in his hands, sobbing quietly.
"Hmmm..." was all Strangelove uttered for several moments, scanning the cluttered page up and down. Then she looked up at the others and proceeded to laugh out loud.
"That's what's had all of you so flustered? Gentlemen, please. What we do in our free time is our business. If someone has a fix on it, so what? It isn't as if anybody's going to believe them. Personally, I don't see why this should disturb our sleep."
Silence reigned in the lab for a while, before Strangelove flung up her hands in resignation and made for the door, shaking her head and mumbling something about unreasonable prudes posing as bloody revolutionaries.
It was then that Kaz ran after her, fast enough to leave Huey and Big Boss in a cloud of dust.
"Yes?" Strangelove said archly.
"I was wondering," Kaz began uncertainly, "is it true you keep a photo of Cecile where she's...well..."
Strangelove was unperturbed. "That depends. Will you share with me some of your candy, Miller? Of course, I don't need it quite for the reasons you seem to..." Kaz's face turned a deep shade of red, "but sweets are hard to come by in the middle of the Caribbean. So, would you mind?"
During the following few moments, the whole of Mother Base learned in very loud and radical terms that yes, Kaz did mind.
( Part II: Strangelove/The Boss, BB/Zero, BB/Ocelot, Ocelot/Psycho Mantis.)