Public Entry
Just because. Fuck it, yeah, most of my shit is hidden, but y'know what? Public post 'cause I'm doing well.
This Saturday some friends put plans into motion to see me completely shitfaced. Because, hey, I kept telling them I'm an obnoxious drunk. Giggling, singing The Asshole song in public and spitting water up on the table is amusing, bordering on cute. O_O Well, it felt good to just let go, and I got to sleep on friend's couch so I didn't drive drunk. Plus, drunken rambling/comments during Being Human. Then they watched that shark vs. octopus movie from syfy, and I was on and off asleep making yet more drunken comments. Brunch on Sunday morning.
I'm still struggling with the little flareups of anger but am, overall, doing well and am well in general. The depression hits harder with the combo of PMS and b-12 going down during the end of the month, but overall? Did better than usual.
I've been busy with meditation including the whole mantra thing, and watching ST:TOS once again and reading ST and Philosophy books. I think I'm getting a handle on the Vulcan thing, or a little more of a handle. I've been doing, overall, well with that - better than well if you consider that I'm a little down about not doing better, but this is the plateau that I mentioned earlier, where the whole accelerated bit slows down, evens out, and I go but... shouldn't I be doing much better much faster? I'm determined not to let that get in my way, and just put myself back on the right track, and that in itself is a major success.
I'm also very convinced by the fact that positive thinking is working well - to the point where I stood up for myself at work, and my bosses tell me I'm doing well, and my social life is blooming - and negative thinking on the part of others - or even occasionally myself - proves to lead to... not so great conditions. In fact, huge irony - one of my recent problems? Someone was telling me that it was pretty much my fault, and that of course the fact that people weren't telling me shit was my fault somehow and not theirs. -_- When someone did this to the go-between, however, it's all why didn't they tell me? The really sad part is that they're not going to learn and speak up for themselves next time; they fucked up and they're going to continue to blame circumstances. Shrugs. I'd prefer not to go into details, but I've been contemplating this, and other issues in great detail, to find that yes, I've done some shit wrong, but there was a lot of hypocrisy and idiocy, and manipulation going on that had nothing to do with me. And that I'm better off having as little to do with such things as possible, although they're not always avoidable. I have friends, some online and some in real life, who don't bullshit me, who don't abuse me or others to get sympathy. I've also had to deal with these issues - some that are eerily similar to the problems I was dealing with lately - but with others doing this to my friends. And that's helped to clear things up for me, to show me that it's not just me who's upset over these issues.
Also, one of my friends was screwed over by the not communicating - and the problem could have been solved so easily. I've come to realize that anything that isn't said? Can't really be held against me; I can't fix a problem unless I know there is one. I refuse to take responsibility for fixing something when I have no idea, and no reason to suspect something is wrong. That is all on the other person's conscience. They can hate me all they want for having made their life hell, but I realize that all that hate, all that anger, all that resentment is just going to make their life worse. Realizing that it really isn't my fault since I'm not a mind-reader? Going to make my life better as I let go of the anger and hate and resentment, because it's not worth it and doesn't fit into my new philosophy, my new way of life. I am however, going to consider these events, going to sit and think over that anger and hate that I harbored in the past, and going to figure out how to dispel them in the future. It has been, and still is, a learning process for me and one that is bettering my life in so many ways.
-Dex
This Saturday some friends put plans into motion to see me completely shitfaced. Because, hey, I kept telling them I'm an obnoxious drunk. Giggling, singing The Asshole song in public and spitting water up on the table is amusing, bordering on cute. O_O Well, it felt good to just let go, and I got to sleep on friend's couch so I didn't drive drunk. Plus, drunken rambling/comments during Being Human. Then they watched that shark vs. octopus movie from syfy, and I was on and off asleep making yet more drunken comments. Brunch on Sunday morning.
I'm still struggling with the little flareups of anger but am, overall, doing well and am well in general. The depression hits harder with the combo of PMS and b-12 going down during the end of the month, but overall? Did better than usual.
I've been busy with meditation including the whole mantra thing, and watching ST:TOS once again and reading ST and Philosophy books. I think I'm getting a handle on the Vulcan thing, or a little more of a handle. I've been doing, overall, well with that - better than well if you consider that I'm a little down about not doing better, but this is the plateau that I mentioned earlier, where the whole accelerated bit slows down, evens out, and I go but... shouldn't I be doing much better much faster? I'm determined not to let that get in my way, and just put myself back on the right track, and that in itself is a major success.
I'm also very convinced by the fact that positive thinking is working well - to the point where I stood up for myself at work, and my bosses tell me I'm doing well, and my social life is blooming - and negative thinking on the part of others - or even occasionally myself - proves to lead to... not so great conditions. In fact, huge irony - one of my recent problems? Someone was telling me that it was pretty much my fault, and that of course the fact that people weren't telling me shit was my fault somehow and not theirs. -_- When someone did this to the go-between, however, it's all why didn't they tell me? The really sad part is that they're not going to learn and speak up for themselves next time; they fucked up and they're going to continue to blame circumstances. Shrugs. I'd prefer not to go into details, but I've been contemplating this, and other issues in great detail, to find that yes, I've done some shit wrong, but there was a lot of hypocrisy and idiocy, and manipulation going on that had nothing to do with me. And that I'm better off having as little to do with such things as possible, although they're not always avoidable. I have friends, some online and some in real life, who don't bullshit me, who don't abuse me or others to get sympathy. I've also had to deal with these issues - some that are eerily similar to the problems I was dealing with lately - but with others doing this to my friends. And that's helped to clear things up for me, to show me that it's not just me who's upset over these issues.
Also, one of my friends was screwed over by the not communicating - and the problem could have been solved so easily. I've come to realize that anything that isn't said? Can't really be held against me; I can't fix a problem unless I know there is one. I refuse to take responsibility for fixing something when I have no idea, and no reason to suspect something is wrong. That is all on the other person's conscience. They can hate me all they want for having made their life hell, but I realize that all that hate, all that anger, all that resentment is just going to make their life worse. Realizing that it really isn't my fault since I'm not a mind-reader? Going to make my life better as I let go of the anger and hate and resentment, because it's not worth it and doesn't fit into my new philosophy, my new way of life. I am however, going to consider these events, going to sit and think over that anger and hate that I harbored in the past, and going to figure out how to dispel them in the future. It has been, and still is, a learning process for me and one that is bettering my life in so many ways.
-Dex