At work, Melbourne CBD, we sell a brand of German knives called F.Dick. Overheard from a from a snooty old woman being served by a co-worker
"I don't like Dicks. They are too hard for me."

Belgrave train, late last night:

Girl (on phone): Yes, and can you please tell the driver that I'm female, alone, and wearing black pants so he doesn't drive past me and pick up a male instead?

In a kitchenware shop CBD, two middle aged ladies are looking for a gift for a bloke they know.
"Ah MasterChef aprons! They have MasterChef aprons. You could get him a MasterChef apron. Do you think he would like that?"
"I think he would be insulted [low chuckle]!".

Two very senior citizen customers at my work:

1: Are you going to Margaret's 70th?
2: Oh yes, I'm going to get absolutely blotto.
1. Oh, me too.

On the train from Footscray into the city we pass a Budhist temple under construction. It features a golden statue of Budha almost as tall as the temple itself. There is a group of jovial Maoris behind me.
On seeing the statue one bloke says "Whoah... What is that - gold?"
His mate "Cheese."
I tried not to laugh but had a little smile for a while

Beggar to a little baby strapped to a man's back:
"Keep your head up. You've got a lot ahead of you... Life is long."

A mother, to her little 4 year old girl: "now, we're going to have a very quiet relaxing morning tomorrow, ok? Because we are going to be very busy later on, aren't we?"

Little girl, in the best Andrew WK shout a little girl could muster: "Yes thats right because WE ARE GOING TO PARTYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!"

At a sushi shop in Melbourne CBD,
"Yeah we want two sushi rolls. One of them sal-mon..."

A trendy 30something couple, the woman says to the other - "We'll get wet if we go out in that."

Two school girls, eating chips in a cafe in Swan St this afternoon.

Girl 1: "He's really hot. He's, like, half Aboriginal, half Australian."

Me: *despairs*