We Change, We Wait
Title: We Change, We Wait
Pairing: Hyukjae/Sungmin
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 3040
Summary: He knows that it's a dangerous territory to fall in love with your friend, but he cannot do anything about that either.
Average. That's what most people think of him. Just average.
He doesn't complain about it, though. He accepted that fact long ago. He is just the member who can sing but can't sing all the notes perfectly, can dance but doesn't have all the moves; ordinary. That is also possibly the reason why he always ends up as someone's second choice. That hurt, that's the truth and it hurts.
He settles for it anyway. Sungmin thinks that it's better than being totally disregarded. He also considers the fact that at least, this way, he gets to have Hyukjae.
They used to be really good friends, inseparable it seems, but people change and we cannot do anything about that. Our interests change and some friends may drift away. In Hyukjae's case, it's not like he totally left him and stopped being his friend, Hyukjae is just the type of person who wants to be everyone's friend. Maybe he's just being selfish because he loved, loves Hyukjae. He knows that it's a dangerous territory to fall in love with your friend, but he cannot do anything about that either. He feels like an idiot because he doesn't have the courage to tell him what he feels. He just settles for whatever way he can have him, he didn't force him into this. Guilt is not an issue. They are, for lack of a better word, fuck buddies. So everytime he arches his back and moans Hyukjae's name, he feels that it's enough. The fraction of attention Hyukjae gives him when he's feeling ruttish is fine to get him through. Even though it hurts - not physically but emotionally - Sungmin reckons that it could be enough.
They've been doing this for a while now. Sungmin's not really sure how their relationship ended up like this. He had Hyukjae's tongue in his mouth and Hyukjae's hand in his hair. He had his hands tucked inside the waistband of Hyukjae's jeans as they wait backstage at a show. It goes like that, Hyukjae finds him when his skin goes tight and the want starts throbbing in the pit of his stomach.
When Hyukjae enters his room, he doesn't get surprised. Instead, he prepares himself for what's about to happen.
"It's you," he says with the most tender way he can, but Hyukjae doesn't speak and just simply nods.
He watches as his dongsaeng slowly closes the door behind him and comes closer to where he's sitting on the bed, eyes averted from him. Sungmin feels the soft thud next to him as Hyukjae takes the empty space. He looks at Hyukjae in astonishment as the younger male shifts, puts his head on his shoulder before circling his arms around his waist.
Well, this is new. Usually, Hyukjae would be so eager to begin.
Sungmin's mind gets muddled quickly. There's a sharp intake of breath and he asks, "Are you okay?"
Before the man in question even answers, he notes two possible scenarios in his head: Either Hyukjae has a problem and wants to confide with him like what he normally does in the past; or, he just misses Jungsoo so much. Not wanting to have his hopes too high, he picks the latter. Everybody misses Jungsoo anyway. He turns and repositions them, wraps Hyukjae in the tenderness of his hug. Sungmin says something about not worrying and everything will be alright. He notices the way the dancer's shoulder relax in his hold, feels the way Hyukjae's hands clutch tightly around his shirt.
Still, not a single word escapes Hyukjae's lips.
They stayed like that for a good three-minute until Hyukjae sighs, loosens his hold and looks at him for the first time since he entered the room.
"I want to fuck," are the first words that came out of his mouth.
Of course, Sungmin thinks, he's here for that. He mentally laughs at himself with all bitterness, why didn't he think of that? There's no good in assuming, ever. He should've known better.
Nonetheless, he gives him the time. He's good at this, always have been. Sungmin knows how to play tricks with his tongue and make Hyukjae thrust into his mouth while breathing out his name, urging him on. He likes it, especially when Hyukjae glances down at him with affection and lust. Sungmin feels like this is the only method he has to see that soft spot Hyukjae used to always have for him, even though it's very much overshadowed with hunger and desire.
After he releases himself in Sungmin's mouth, Hyukjae pulls him up. Kisses him softly and exits his room without saying a word. There's something different about this kiss that Sungmin cannot put a finger on, he tries to think but he pushes his thoughts aside. Sometimes, he wishes Hyukjae will be too tired to leave so they can stay in bed, enjoy each other's warmth while getting down from their high.
***
"Good things come to those who wait, they say." He blurts out on their way back from Sukira one evening, earning a funny look from Ryeowook.
"Yeah, so the saying goes."
Sungmin chuckles as Ryeowook jibes with him. He has waited long enough, hasn't he? He thought that if they keep doing it, Hyukjae will eventually fall for him. He smiles at how foolish he is and wonders when's the good thing coming.
Ryeowook only looks at him with confusion plastered all over his face.
Once he's back in his room, he decides to ponder on the idea. Because really, how long does he have to wait? Will Hyukjae ever like him the way he wants him to? Well, other than being good sex and an easy lay, what else does Hyukjae ever want from him nowadays? Nothing. Hyukjae has already found friends that can replace him.
He frustratedly kicks one of the pillows off the bed. What is he doing wrong? The pieces of the jigsaw puzzle he is trying to solve in his head don't seem to fit.
Until as if a lightbulb lit up, he realises this might be wrong. All of it. Manipulating Hyukjae to like him by trying to satisfy the younger male's sexual desires probably isn't right. Hurting himself over and over probably isn't right. Maybe, all he really needs to do is stop and give up.
Sungmin is not willing to wait forever and get hung up on someone who doesn't even consider him special. He determines that the next time is also going to be the last.
***
Sungmin is watching TV the next time Hyukjae comes up to him, "Hey," he says.
He stops watching. They are alone in the dorm, so there's really nothing to worry about. (Also, it's not like the other members are unaware of what they've been doing.) Except how he's going to tell Hyukjae and refuse what his body wants. He's not ready yet, Sungmin is not quite sure he's ready to end this. But, the sooner the better, he convinces himself. It will save him from all the worries this relationship has given him.
"Hey, 'sup?" Again, he thinks something is a little different in the way Hyukjae looks at him, but dismisses the idea. They lock each other's gazes and he's sure he saw something else in those eyes until Hyukjae turns his face away.
There's no need for being coy as suddenly, Hyukjae jams their mouths together. Their teeth clack and Sungmin feels his lips splitting. Then Hyukjae is licking into his mouth, sucking at his tongue and tugging on his hair, and Sungmin can't do anything but kiss back.
Hyukjae growls in his mouth. Christ, he loves it when Hyukjae kisses him like this. He feels light-headed in the kiss and almost forgot what he needs to do. They are necking like teenagers and as Hyukjae slips a hand under his shirt to caress his chest, Sungmin thinks it's imperative to response to Hyukjae's touch.
But tonight, he has a mission. He wants Hyukjae to want him more, beg for him, but he knows he should stop. He crawls over Hyukjae and cups him through his jeans, squeezes. The younger male moans and as if that was his cue (and with all the force he could muster), he pulls away.
"I wish you are as real as the moans you make," he mumbles. Hyukjae is dumbfounded and he just stares.
Sungmin walks away.
As he enters his room, he wonders why Hyukjae didn't stop him from leaving. He has done it. Now all Sungmin has to do is hide, or run away, not see Hyukjae.
Sungmin examines himself in the mirror, he looks like hell warmed up. No, he looks like someone's tied him to a bed and tortured him with their tongue, lips, fingers, gotten him to the very edge and then left him there. He calls it desperate. Sungmin jacks himself and wonders if Hyukjae looks and feels just as bad.
***
The first month was fine. Sungmin was easily able to avoid Hyukjae due to his musical schedule in Japan. He came up with different excuses easily. He kinda felt guilty for not greeting Hyukjae on his birthday. He remembers typing a long, sweet text message - complete with adorable emoticons - but not having the guts to send it. He got convinced that it's fine, anyway, Hyukjae doesn't seem to mind. Well, some word from an old friend are nothing compared to the greetings he got from the unimaginable number of fans, right?
They are both in Super Junior M, though, and it's improbable for him to ditch the group's promotional activities just because he's trying to stay off of Hyukjae's sight, especially when their career is booming at its peak. There are times that he has to see Hyukjae even if he refuse to. During those days, he still tries to avoid him, giving him nods and short answers when they talk.
After the last fanmeeting, he decides to get really drunk. They're having a small party back in the hotel, Sungmin thinks it's always better when he's got some alcohol in his system. Although he's not the type of person who can't remember the things they did when they were drunk, he can pretend he is. He can do whatever he wants and pretend it didn't happen the next day.
By the end of the night, his presumption is right, because of all the time Hyukjae is going to pick to have a word with him, he chooses it to be this one night. Only, he's not drunk enough yet.
Sungmin is not gonna lie and say he didn't see the way Hyukjae eyes him from across the room. So the moment Hyukjae drags him into a room to confront him, he doesn't protest.
Hyukjae locks the door and begins, "What's wrong with you?"
He giggles, isn't it obvious? Sungmin's tipsy and it helps. He laughs, laughs so hard that he nearly stumbled.
Hyukjae grips his arms to keep him still, then looks at him, hard. "Sungmin, come on! What the fuck is wrong with you?" The younger male looks so mad and Sungmin laughs again; Hyukjae shakes him, "Sungmin!"
He tiptoes and smells Hyukjae, "You didn't drink? This is a party Hyuk, you should get wasted."
Hyukjae lets go of him, runs a shaky hand through his hair, and curses under his breath. He looks so confused. Sungmin stops laughing, mirrors the confusion on Hyukjae's face and tilts his head to the side, waiting for Hyukjae to say something.
Finally, he speaks, "You can't just run away like that. No, it doesn't work that way."
"Is that why you brought me here?" He says with disdainful eyes. He wants to think Hyukjae's words mean he wants to hold him in his heart, be the only one there is. Sungmin has one too many questions but he's afraid to ask - afraid that Hyukjae won't give him the answers he wants to hear. He reminds himself that the real point is... he already gave up.
Hyukjae gives him this look and Sungmin swears it's the saddest and scariest look he had ever received from Hyukjae. He doesn't need that now, this isn't what he wanted. He needs to escape, so he excuses himself, "I'll get us something to drink."
Hyukjae stops him, pulls him by the hand and spins him around; brings their mouths together.
Hah. So this is why.
He doesn't feel a single emotion in the kiss, but it gives him a clue of why his dongsaeng really brought him to this place. Hyukjae pulls away and Sungmin wastes no time, he pushes Hyukjae until his back is against the wall and kisses him roughly. If this is what he wants, then fine. He notices how Hyukjae is trying to jerk away, so he places both of his hands behind the younger's neck to keep him in the kiss, forcing his tongue into Hyukjae's mouth. A kiss that tastes nothing but bitterness.
It suprises him when Hyukjae shoves him away.
"Can you please fucking stop and listen to me!?" Hyukjae yells, wiping the corner of his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt.
Sungmin looks at him incredulously, giving a loud, boisterous laugh. He doesn't get where Hyukjae is going with this, but he's starting to lose his temper. "Huh? Isn't this what you want?"
"No, Min--"
"Don't joke around! This is what you want, you want to bend me over the bed and fuck me!" He's so angry that he almost spits his words.
"No! Christ, no, Sungmin, please listen to me. Please." Hyukjae begs and pleas, moving closer, he extends an arm to reach him.
What a joke, he thinks as he steps back and says, "Fuck off."
Again, Hyukjae couldn't say anything. And it hurts. It hurts that by the looks of it, he's right again. Hyukjae can't fool him; listen to me, my ass. He can feel hot tears building up in his eyes and he winces in all the emotional pain. The tears are threatening to fall, and he can't let them fall. He doesn't want to. They will prove that he is defeated, and he can't let anyone - not even himself - admit defeat. He watches as Hyukjae slowly sink on the floor, pulling his knees to his chest. He looks so small and he wants to revert back to the hyung that he was, comfort him, but he can't. With all of his resolve, he walks away.
He stops in front of the door when he hears a sob. Wait, is Hyukjae crying?
Sungmin nearly sprints as he goes back to Hyukjae until he comes to a halt, standing across Hyukjae who curled his whole being into a ball. What is he going to do? He doesn't even know why he is crying.
As if Hyukjae heard his thoughts, "I'm just scared."
"What?"
Hyukjae looks up at him, currently a mess of tears and flushed red cheeks and deep sobs. This isn't the boy he loved, only a saddened, ruined version of him.
"I'm scared. And confused. And just really fucking scared."
Silence. Sungmin is confused, too, but he waits for Hyukjae for continue.
"Min, I want you," he starts. Hyukjae is so nervous, Sungmin can tell it just by looking at him. "No, I mean, I like you, I really do. I- but I'm confused, because at first, I was only doing it for the heck of it and... and then I started to feel like I want something else. I realised that it is because I wanna be with you, and not just for the sex and shit. That's when I got scared bec-"
"What's there to be scared about?" he wanted to slap himself. God, why does he even have to talk. Sungmin focuses on Hyukjae and like a magic, feels himself sobering up.
"N-nothing," Hyukjae answers him immediately, "I'm scared about what other people would say, a-and got even more scared because what if- what if you don't like me that way? This may s-sound selfish... but what if I get hurt?"
He didn't even need a second to figure out what Hyukjae just said. Sungmin kneels on the floor. He's starting to understand, but he needs to hear more. He wants to be sure. He places his hand over Hyukjae's and holds his gaze.
"And then j-just when I was slowly trying to figure out all these damn feelings, you left. You started avoiding me, you don't even wanna talk to me." The younger sobs again, "I t-thought you noticed the way I was acting a little strange and that you don't want that. That... you r-really only want me for... well, that."
Sungmin gives a chuckle, he finds it kind of funny that they have the same things in mind. Or are his ears making fun of him? Well, he hopes not. He can feel all the emotion in Hyukjae's stare and he wants to cry. He's been waiting for this moment for he doesn't know how long.
"Hey..." he whispers gently and moves closer. He presses a soft kiss on top of Hyukjae's head. A chaste, little kiss that means assurance and safety.
Slowly but surely, Hyukjae moves and wraps himself around his hyung's waist. He clings tightly, desperately, not ever wanting to let go again.
"I'm r-really scared," the words bubble up and escapes Hyukjae's lips.
"I know you are," he whispers again, tightens his hold. "It's okay to be scared. I'm here for you no matter what happens. If you're ever scared, I'm here, okay?"
Those words fill Hyukjae's heart with joy as Sungmin finally understands the phrase about learning the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. Just like that, everything felt right. Hyukjae looks up, moving one of his hands to wipe a tear that fell from Sungmin's face.
"Min, I love you. Will you be mine for as long as I live?"
With the lightest set of tears in his eyes, Sungmin leans forward and nods. He rests his forehead on Hyukjae's.
"Yes. I love you, too."
Hyukjae gives him a passionate kiss and he smiles in it. He surely won't forget about this night.
Pairing: Hyukjae/Sungmin
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 3040
Summary: He knows that it's a dangerous territory to fall in love with your friend, but he cannot do anything about that either.
Average. That's what most people think of him. Just average.
He doesn't complain about it, though. He accepted that fact long ago. He is just the member who can sing but can't sing all the notes perfectly, can dance but doesn't have all the moves; ordinary. That is also possibly the reason why he always ends up as someone's second choice. That hurt, that's the truth and it hurts.
He settles for it anyway. Sungmin thinks that it's better than being totally disregarded. He also considers the fact that at least, this way, he gets to have Hyukjae.
They used to be really good friends, inseparable it seems, but people change and we cannot do anything about that. Our interests change and some friends may drift away. In Hyukjae's case, it's not like he totally left him and stopped being his friend, Hyukjae is just the type of person who wants to be everyone's friend. Maybe he's just being selfish because he loved, loves Hyukjae. He knows that it's a dangerous territory to fall in love with your friend, but he cannot do anything about that either. He feels like an idiot because he doesn't have the courage to tell him what he feels. He just settles for whatever way he can have him, he didn't force him into this. Guilt is not an issue. They are, for lack of a better word, fuck buddies. So everytime he arches his back and moans Hyukjae's name, he feels that it's enough. The fraction of attention Hyukjae gives him when he's feeling ruttish is fine to get him through. Even though it hurts - not physically but emotionally - Sungmin reckons that it could be enough.
They've been doing this for a while now. Sungmin's not really sure how their relationship ended up like this. He had Hyukjae's tongue in his mouth and Hyukjae's hand in his hair. He had his hands tucked inside the waistband of Hyukjae's jeans as they wait backstage at a show. It goes like that, Hyukjae finds him when his skin goes tight and the want starts throbbing in the pit of his stomach.
When Hyukjae enters his room, he doesn't get surprised. Instead, he prepares himself for what's about to happen.
"It's you," he says with the most tender way he can, but Hyukjae doesn't speak and just simply nods.
He watches as his dongsaeng slowly closes the door behind him and comes closer to where he's sitting on the bed, eyes averted from him. Sungmin feels the soft thud next to him as Hyukjae takes the empty space. He looks at Hyukjae in astonishment as the younger male shifts, puts his head on his shoulder before circling his arms around his waist.
Well, this is new. Usually, Hyukjae would be so eager to begin.
Sungmin's mind gets muddled quickly. There's a sharp intake of breath and he asks, "Are you okay?"
Before the man in question even answers, he notes two possible scenarios in his head: Either Hyukjae has a problem and wants to confide with him like what he normally does in the past; or, he just misses Jungsoo so much. Not wanting to have his hopes too high, he picks the latter. Everybody misses Jungsoo anyway. He turns and repositions them, wraps Hyukjae in the tenderness of his hug. Sungmin says something about not worrying and everything will be alright. He notices the way the dancer's shoulder relax in his hold, feels the way Hyukjae's hands clutch tightly around his shirt.
Still, not a single word escapes Hyukjae's lips.
They stayed like that for a good three-minute until Hyukjae sighs, loosens his hold and looks at him for the first time since he entered the room.
"I want to fuck," are the first words that came out of his mouth.
Of course, Sungmin thinks, he's here for that. He mentally laughs at himself with all bitterness, why didn't he think of that? There's no good in assuming, ever. He should've known better.
Nonetheless, he gives him the time. He's good at this, always have been. Sungmin knows how to play tricks with his tongue and make Hyukjae thrust into his mouth while breathing out his name, urging him on. He likes it, especially when Hyukjae glances down at him with affection and lust. Sungmin feels like this is the only method he has to see that soft spot Hyukjae used to always have for him, even though it's very much overshadowed with hunger and desire.
After he releases himself in Sungmin's mouth, Hyukjae pulls him up. Kisses him softly and exits his room without saying a word. There's something different about this kiss that Sungmin cannot put a finger on, he tries to think but he pushes his thoughts aside. Sometimes, he wishes Hyukjae will be too tired to leave so they can stay in bed, enjoy each other's warmth while getting down from their high.
***
"Good things come to those who wait, they say." He blurts out on their way back from Sukira one evening, earning a funny look from Ryeowook.
"Yeah, so the saying goes."
Sungmin chuckles as Ryeowook jibes with him. He has waited long enough, hasn't he? He thought that if they keep doing it, Hyukjae will eventually fall for him. He smiles at how foolish he is and wonders when's the good thing coming.
Ryeowook only looks at him with confusion plastered all over his face.
Once he's back in his room, he decides to ponder on the idea. Because really, how long does he have to wait? Will Hyukjae ever like him the way he wants him to? Well, other than being good sex and an easy lay, what else does Hyukjae ever want from him nowadays? Nothing. Hyukjae has already found friends that can replace him.
He frustratedly kicks one of the pillows off the bed. What is he doing wrong? The pieces of the jigsaw puzzle he is trying to solve in his head don't seem to fit.
Until as if a lightbulb lit up, he realises this might be wrong. All of it. Manipulating Hyukjae to like him by trying to satisfy the younger male's sexual desires probably isn't right. Hurting himself over and over probably isn't right. Maybe, all he really needs to do is stop and give up.
Sungmin is not willing to wait forever and get hung up on someone who doesn't even consider him special. He determines that the next time is also going to be the last.
***
Sungmin is watching TV the next time Hyukjae comes up to him, "Hey," he says.
He stops watching. They are alone in the dorm, so there's really nothing to worry about. (Also, it's not like the other members are unaware of what they've been doing.) Except how he's going to tell Hyukjae and refuse what his body wants. He's not ready yet, Sungmin is not quite sure he's ready to end this. But, the sooner the better, he convinces himself. It will save him from all the worries this relationship has given him.
"Hey, 'sup?" Again, he thinks something is a little different in the way Hyukjae looks at him, but dismisses the idea. They lock each other's gazes and he's sure he saw something else in those eyes until Hyukjae turns his face away.
There's no need for being coy as suddenly, Hyukjae jams their mouths together. Their teeth clack and Sungmin feels his lips splitting. Then Hyukjae is licking into his mouth, sucking at his tongue and tugging on his hair, and Sungmin can't do anything but kiss back.
Hyukjae growls in his mouth. Christ, he loves it when Hyukjae kisses him like this. He feels light-headed in the kiss and almost forgot what he needs to do. They are necking like teenagers and as Hyukjae slips a hand under his shirt to caress his chest, Sungmin thinks it's imperative to response to Hyukjae's touch.
But tonight, he has a mission. He wants Hyukjae to want him more, beg for him, but he knows he should stop. He crawls over Hyukjae and cups him through his jeans, squeezes. The younger male moans and as if that was his cue (and with all the force he could muster), he pulls away.
"I wish you are as real as the moans you make," he mumbles. Hyukjae is dumbfounded and he just stares.
Sungmin walks away.
As he enters his room, he wonders why Hyukjae didn't stop him from leaving. He has done it. Now all Sungmin has to do is hide, or run away, not see Hyukjae.
Sungmin examines himself in the mirror, he looks like hell warmed up. No, he looks like someone's tied him to a bed and tortured him with their tongue, lips, fingers, gotten him to the very edge and then left him there. He calls it desperate. Sungmin jacks himself and wonders if Hyukjae looks and feels just as bad.
***
The first month was fine. Sungmin was easily able to avoid Hyukjae due to his musical schedule in Japan. He came up with different excuses easily. He kinda felt guilty for not greeting Hyukjae on his birthday. He remembers typing a long, sweet text message - complete with adorable emoticons - but not having the guts to send it. He got convinced that it's fine, anyway, Hyukjae doesn't seem to mind. Well, some word from an old friend are nothing compared to the greetings he got from the unimaginable number of fans, right?
They are both in Super Junior M, though, and it's improbable for him to ditch the group's promotional activities just because he's trying to stay off of Hyukjae's sight, especially when their career is booming at its peak. There are times that he has to see Hyukjae even if he refuse to. During those days, he still tries to avoid him, giving him nods and short answers when they talk.
After the last fanmeeting, he decides to get really drunk. They're having a small party back in the hotel, Sungmin thinks it's always better when he's got some alcohol in his system. Although he's not the type of person who can't remember the things they did when they were drunk, he can pretend he is. He can do whatever he wants and pretend it didn't happen the next day.
By the end of the night, his presumption is right, because of all the time Hyukjae is going to pick to have a word with him, he chooses it to be this one night. Only, he's not drunk enough yet.
Sungmin is not gonna lie and say he didn't see the way Hyukjae eyes him from across the room. So the moment Hyukjae drags him into a room to confront him, he doesn't protest.
Hyukjae locks the door and begins, "What's wrong with you?"
He giggles, isn't it obvious? Sungmin's tipsy and it helps. He laughs, laughs so hard that he nearly stumbled.
Hyukjae grips his arms to keep him still, then looks at him, hard. "Sungmin, come on! What the fuck is wrong with you?" The younger male looks so mad and Sungmin laughs again; Hyukjae shakes him, "Sungmin!"
He tiptoes and smells Hyukjae, "You didn't drink? This is a party Hyuk, you should get wasted."
Hyukjae lets go of him, runs a shaky hand through his hair, and curses under his breath. He looks so confused. Sungmin stops laughing, mirrors the confusion on Hyukjae's face and tilts his head to the side, waiting for Hyukjae to say something.
Finally, he speaks, "You can't just run away like that. No, it doesn't work that way."
"Is that why you brought me here?" He says with disdainful eyes. He wants to think Hyukjae's words mean he wants to hold him in his heart, be the only one there is. Sungmin has one too many questions but he's afraid to ask - afraid that Hyukjae won't give him the answers he wants to hear. He reminds himself that the real point is... he already gave up.
Hyukjae gives him this look and Sungmin swears it's the saddest and scariest look he had ever received from Hyukjae. He doesn't need that now, this isn't what he wanted. He needs to escape, so he excuses himself, "I'll get us something to drink."
Hyukjae stops him, pulls him by the hand and spins him around; brings their mouths together.
Hah. So this is why.
He doesn't feel a single emotion in the kiss, but it gives him a clue of why his dongsaeng really brought him to this place. Hyukjae pulls away and Sungmin wastes no time, he pushes Hyukjae until his back is against the wall and kisses him roughly. If this is what he wants, then fine. He notices how Hyukjae is trying to jerk away, so he places both of his hands behind the younger's neck to keep him in the kiss, forcing his tongue into Hyukjae's mouth. A kiss that tastes nothing but bitterness.
It suprises him when Hyukjae shoves him away.
"Can you please fucking stop and listen to me!?" Hyukjae yells, wiping the corner of his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt.
Sungmin looks at him incredulously, giving a loud, boisterous laugh. He doesn't get where Hyukjae is going with this, but he's starting to lose his temper. "Huh? Isn't this what you want?"
"No, Min--"
"Don't joke around! This is what you want, you want to bend me over the bed and fuck me!" He's so angry that he almost spits his words.
"No! Christ, no, Sungmin, please listen to me. Please." Hyukjae begs and pleas, moving closer, he extends an arm to reach him.
What a joke, he thinks as he steps back and says, "Fuck off."
Again, Hyukjae couldn't say anything. And it hurts. It hurts that by the looks of it, he's right again. Hyukjae can't fool him; listen to me, my ass. He can feel hot tears building up in his eyes and he winces in all the emotional pain. The tears are threatening to fall, and he can't let them fall. He doesn't want to. They will prove that he is defeated, and he can't let anyone - not even himself - admit defeat. He watches as Hyukjae slowly sink on the floor, pulling his knees to his chest. He looks so small and he wants to revert back to the hyung that he was, comfort him, but he can't. With all of his resolve, he walks away.
He stops in front of the door when he hears a sob. Wait, is Hyukjae crying?
Sungmin nearly sprints as he goes back to Hyukjae until he comes to a halt, standing across Hyukjae who curled his whole being into a ball. What is he going to do? He doesn't even know why he is crying.
As if Hyukjae heard his thoughts, "I'm just scared."
"What?"
Hyukjae looks up at him, currently a mess of tears and flushed red cheeks and deep sobs. This isn't the boy he loved, only a saddened, ruined version of him.
"I'm scared. And confused. And just really fucking scared."
Silence. Sungmin is confused, too, but he waits for Hyukjae for continue.
"Min, I want you," he starts. Hyukjae is so nervous, Sungmin can tell it just by looking at him. "No, I mean, I like you, I really do. I- but I'm confused, because at first, I was only doing it for the heck of it and... and then I started to feel like I want something else. I realised that it is because I wanna be with you, and not just for the sex and shit. That's when I got scared bec-"
"What's there to be scared about?" he wanted to slap himself. God, why does he even have to talk. Sungmin focuses on Hyukjae and like a magic, feels himself sobering up.
"N-nothing," Hyukjae answers him immediately, "I'm scared about what other people would say, a-and got even more scared because what if- what if you don't like me that way? This may s-sound selfish... but what if I get hurt?"
He didn't even need a second to figure out what Hyukjae just said. Sungmin kneels on the floor. He's starting to understand, but he needs to hear more. He wants to be sure. He places his hand over Hyukjae's and holds his gaze.
"And then j-just when I was slowly trying to figure out all these damn feelings, you left. You started avoiding me, you don't even wanna talk to me." The younger sobs again, "I t-thought you noticed the way I was acting a little strange and that you don't want that. That... you r-really only want me for... well, that."
Sungmin gives a chuckle, he finds it kind of funny that they have the same things in mind. Or are his ears making fun of him? Well, he hopes not. He can feel all the emotion in Hyukjae's stare and he wants to cry. He's been waiting for this moment for he doesn't know how long.
"Hey..." he whispers gently and moves closer. He presses a soft kiss on top of Hyukjae's head. A chaste, little kiss that means assurance and safety.
Slowly but surely, Hyukjae moves and wraps himself around his hyung's waist. He clings tightly, desperately, not ever wanting to let go again.
"I'm r-really scared," the words bubble up and escapes Hyukjae's lips.
"I know you are," he whispers again, tightens his hold. "It's okay to be scared. I'm here for you no matter what happens. If you're ever scared, I'm here, okay?"
Those words fill Hyukjae's heart with joy as Sungmin finally understands the phrase about learning the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. Just like that, everything felt right. Hyukjae looks up, moving one of his hands to wipe a tear that fell from Sungmin's face.
"Min, I love you. Will you be mine for as long as I live?"
With the lightest set of tears in his eyes, Sungmin leans forward and nods. He rests his forehead on Hyukjae's.
"Yes. I love you, too."
Hyukjae gives him a passionate kiss and he smiles in it. He surely won't forget about this night.