Gatekeepers
Title: Gatekeepers
Groups/Pairings: NEWS; implied Koyama/Yamapi, Koyama/Shige friendship
Word Count: 2,611
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Morbid concepts; death.
Summary: Yamapi helps prepare Koyama for the life of a Gatekeeper, as they both try to face their past and their future.
Notes: Written for natsudive for je_otherworlds. Also, thanks always to my quick and efficient beta.
---
Koyama dug into his pocket and pulled out his Gatekeeper Handbook. “I know it’s in here somewhere. Rule number…rule, a-ha! I might be saved after all.”
Rule #4 -For any uncertainties, emergencies, and exceptions, call for help.
Your first contact should be me; it’s already programmed under your speed dial. If I cannot be reached, dial #23-837-5433 on any phone and you’ll be connected with our operating system.
Koyama found the nearest payphone and dialed. “Oh god, I really hope he doesn’t kill me,” he mumbled.
“Good morning, you have reached the Afterlife call center. How may I direct your call?”
“Um, can you connect me to Nishikido-san, please? Thank you.”
A few moments later, Ryo’s voice came on the line. “Yes, who is this?”
“It’s Koyama. I…lost my phone.”
There was an audible sigh and then a click. Before Koyama had the chance to hang the payphone up, Ryo was already standing behind him with a stern look on his face.
“I’m so sorry. I had this huge batch of people scheduled this morning, and while I was on my way up, in my rush, I must have left the phone at the scene, and I-”
Ryo remained silent, reaching into his pocket.
Koyama gasped at the sight of the black device in Ryo’s hand. “How did you-” And before he could finish his sentence, Ryo was gone again.
“Don’t do it again,” Ryo’s voice sounded in the afternoon breeze. Koyama nodded fervently to himself. He sighed a breath of relief as he looked up into the sky. “How did I get into this mess?”
It had only been a month since he started his new ‘job.’ Actually, it was more accurate to say that it had only been a month since he died. He would always remember that unusually warm spring night, the taste of the salty ramen he and his family had made together, and the sound of bats flying around on his way home.
-One month ago
After spending some time playing with his nephews, Koyama thought it was time to go home. He had to wake up early the next morning to pick Shige up to carpool to their part-time job. While Shige was still a university student, Koyama had already graduated and was saving up to start his own restaurant. He could already imagine how his store would be set up, excited just thinking about all the people he could make happy with his food. He still had many expectations for his future and death was the last thing on his mind. However, fate had other plans for him, and death greeted him at his apartment door.
He arrived at his home, door ajar, noise coming from inside. Before he knew what was hitting him, some masked men had shoved him against the unsteady rail, which unhinged at that heavy blow, falling eight stories to the parking lot below, Koyama along with it.
"What's going on?" Koyama asked as he attempted to get up. His body felt heavy, his mind muddled, trying to piece together how he ended up on his back. He looked to his right and there was a young man crouching there. In the dark, he could not see very well, but he wasn’t scared by his presence. The man tapped his shoulder once and he suddenly felt much lighter.
Koyama stood up and faced the man. "Thanks for helping me, sir. Those men up there, and-uh-I fell, but I feel okay. I was lucky, I could have died."
The mysterious young man spoke for the first time, "You did die."
A light went on in the apartment behind them and Koyama caught a glimpse of what the other man looked like. He was tall, had a slender face with a small but warm smile.
Koyama tried to stay calm when he asked, "What do you mean?”
The man gestured to look behind him. There lay Koyama's body, still as a rock, his head turned to the side, but evidently bleeding out on the ground.
"Let's talk on the way up," the man said, as he gently placed a hand on Koyama's shoulder.
"You’ll have lots of questions and it’ll be a lot easier to hear the answers once you’re all cleaned up."
Before Koyama could utter another word, he felt himself lifted, wind whirling past his face, yet he could not open his eyes to see where he was headed.
"Do you know what I am?” He heard the other man's voice beside him and wondered if this was a dream.
"I...don’t know. Where are we going? What’s going to happen with my body, my family-”
“Koyama, it’s going to be okay.”
He quirked his head, wondering how he knew his name, but at the sound of his firm voice, Koyama felt like, in that moment, he could be okay.
They came to a stop a few moments later, and Koyama sensed ground beneath his feet. He opened his eyes to see a lounge in front of him, white couches scattered around with people chatting, and a receptionist at the front of the room. The man ushered him towards the desk as he continued to look around.
"Koyama Keiichiro?"
"Ah…yes?"
"Welcome to the Afterlife. Please have a seat; the doctor will be with you shortly. In the meantime, Yamashita here will explain everything to you."
"You can call me Yamapi," he smiled brightly and extended a hand.
---
So that was the beginning of Koyama’s afterlife. It was relatively pleasant now that he looked back on it. Everything except for the mean Nishikido Ryo, the head supervisor of the Afterlife program. He wasn’t mean, just extremely crass, which made people wonder how he got that job in the first place. But even more curious was how long he had been up there. There was a limit to how long a soul could stay before moving on to the next life. Koyama speculated that Ryo’s was beyond its time and it was getting grumpy from old age.
The alarm on his phone interrupted the rest of his reverie, alerting him of his next appointment.
“Nishida Rin (28), Narita airport, Boeing 747, 12:18pm.”
“Ah, this is your first pick-up on a plane, isn’t it?” A familiar voice inquired from beside him. He turned around to see Yamapi with his leather jacket slung over his shoulder.
Koyama would never get used to people appearing out of thin air like that. Traveling, they called it. Of course, he had yet to master it without being freaked out himself.
“Show me how it’s done, Captain,” he said while grabbing the jacket from him.
“Lame joke,” Yamapi said, not even attempting to get his jacket back. “Oh by the way, Ryo wants you to go see Dr. Yuya next week to see how you’re dealing with everything.”
“Oh right, the therapist. What am I supposed to talk about? ‘In the past month, I’ve picked up 100 souls and I have some issues with my boss. Oh, and I like to steal my partner’s jackets.’”
Yamapi chuckled. “Don’t be silly, you know I let you steal them. Though, all jokes aside, we’re just concerned about you. We know what it’s like transitioning. We wake up each day, we have friends, and this job, so it seems like we never left the world we knew. We laugh, cry, hope, love.” Yamapi stopped in his tracks and looked Koyama in the eyes. “We didn’t choose this and it’s hard to let go of our past. It affects you more than you think.”
Koyama stood there for a moment and thought there was so much about Yamapi he still had to learn. He would often ask him about his personal story, but he kept most of those to himself. Instead, he would ask Koyama about his, which he was always willing to divulge. Their relationship was built on this balance, one filling in the holes where the other was not willing to face them yet.
Yamapi changed the topic. “So, how was the car pile-up this morning?”
“Nothing out of the ordinary. I was on time (Rule #1), made sure it was the right person (Rule #2) and went on my way. Oh, I left my phone at the site, and Ryo had to hand it back to me.”
Yamapi hissed and made a face, “He wasn’t happy.” They both knew there was no question about that.
“You’ve known him for two years now; has he gotten any better?”
“I think so. We get along better than we used to. I think he just has a thing against incompetence. It just so happens that newbies are the epitome of incompetence, so he can’t really stand it and turns into mister grumpy pants. No offense, on his behalf,” Yamapi replied with a laugh.
“Mister grumpy pants?” Koyama raised an eyebrow.
“Well, he is grumpy.” Yamapi tried to brush it off and walk ahead, as Koyama snickered.
---
They arrived at their destination with five minutes to spare.
Yamapi had his ‘all-business’ face on. “Ok, just do what you would normally do. We’re on time, we’ll confirm her identity, and we’ll tap her once to get the soul out of her body. The only difference is the logistics of getting out of the airplane. Since you’re not used to Traveling as it is, it’ll be a little strange trying to move right past the plane’s walls. You’ll have to prepare your mind for it, and if anything happens, I’ll be right there. Okay?”
Koyama nodded, trying to relax. He had gotten onto the plane just fine, practicing his Traveling skills, but it would be a different matter once he was carrying another soul with him.
“Ok, breathe,” Yamapi said. He placed a hand on his shoulder, the same spot he had used when he first picked Koyama up that spring night. The warmth of that hand calmed him down and he tried to concentrate on other things going on in the plane.
There was a family of three, the parents making sure the excited young boy was buckled in properly, and talking about what they would do once they landed. In front of them was a business woman with her eyes closed, probably trying to block the noise out. And then, there were the shuffling of luggage in the overhead compartments, stewardesses directing people to their seats and preparing for lift off.
Koyama became so concentrated with all these people that he totally forgot he was on the job. But then a familiar voice drew him towards the front of the cabin.
“When we get back, we should probably work on the case analysis. I have a photography project due the following week, so the sooner the better. No, no, that’s fine. I’m on the plane, so I’ll call you when I land again. Okay? Ok, bye.”
“Shige…”
Just as he said this, the young man walked right through him, as if Koyama didn’t exist. This hit him hard. He didn’t exist. He stared after Shige. He looked thinner, maybe because of the longer hair. He was wearing the same headband he had always used when they worked out together. A wave of nostalgia hit him, and it took all of his being not to follow Shige back to his seat. He became so entrenched with his emotions that he didn’t care that Yamapi witnessed this entire thing. But he was still there, his hand keeping his shoulder warm, remaining the ever vigilant, silent guardian.
Koyama held in his tears and gathered the courage to look over at Yamapi. His eyes were sad, but showed understanding, and he offered a small smile. “It’s time. Koyama, I need you to sit this out.”
“No, I can do this. I have to do this,” he insisted.
Yamapi shook his head. “No, Koyama. The person we’re about to pick up, she’ll need you to be there, fully, and I don’t think you’re in the right state of mind for that. I’m sorry.”
Deep down Koyama knew he was right; it wasn’t fair to the person. He also knew that Yamapi never took his job lightly, so he stepped aside.
---
Koyama felt horrible about what happened. His insides were squirming, remembering just how easily Shige passed through him like air. But he was also angry and disappointed that he let Yamapi down.
His friend finally came out of Dr. Yuya’s office after welcoming Nishida Rin’s soul into the Afterlife, and attempted to smile. Even if he had been doing it for a couple years, it always got to him.
“How is she doing?”
“Shocked, normal.”
Koyama nodded. “Look, I wanted to apologize for my reaction back there. I…mean, how could that have happened? I’m not supposed to see anyone that I used to know, right?”
Yamapi shook his head. “How are you dealing?”
“Well, I feel sick, drained. That guy back there, he was my best friend, like my brother, and it hurts, ya know? I won’t be there for the rest of his life. And when he gets here, hopefully a long time from now, I won’t even be here for that.”
Yamapi nodded, empathetically. “It’s hard watching the world go on, because we go there every day, yet we can never stay.”
“You’re going to make me cry, Pi.” Koyama hit him on the arm lightly. His eyes searched Yamapi’s, hoping to find some answers there. “You’ve gone through this too.”
He said nothing, only pulling Koyama into a tight hug. He could feel his tense muscles start to relax, and they just stood there in silence for a moment.
“Did you know Ryo’s the one who picks people for this job?”
Koyama shook his head, and Yamapi continued. “The night he sent me to you, I had the same experience you had today. I saw my sister and immediately wanted to quit. I knew that would mean never moving on to the next life, but I couldn’t take the pain. So Ryo made a deal with me. He said that after that night, if I felt like I couldn’t take another soul, I could leave without penalty. And well, you know how the rest goes.”
They pulled apart, Yamapi looking to see Koyama’s reaction, but he was just smiling. There were evident tears streaming down his face, but he didn’t care.
“So, I got the job thanks to you,” Koyama chuckled, lightening up the mood.
“We don’t choose this life, Koyama, but life has a way of choosing things for us that aren’t so bad. Please don’t give up. There’s going to be someone out there who needs you to be their Gatekeeper, just like you were mine.”
Koyama smiled and said, “Don’t be silly, you were mine first.”
---
5 years later…
“Yamashita-san, I wish I didn’t have to call you using the payphone, but-”
*click*
“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Yamashita suddenly appeared in the phone booth, startling the trainee for a moment. He handed the cell phone back and smiled. “Sorry, but I’m in a rush, got a date, so keep up the good work.” And with that, the Head of the Afterlife program disappeared.
“I wish he wouldn’t do that.”
“Why, Shige? You scare so easily,” a voice startled him once again.
“Koyama! Just because you’re my senior doesn’t mean I won’t kick you-”
“Nope, gotta wait another time for that, Shige, running late for a date. Bye~” The afternoon breeze whirled past and left no trace of anyone being there.
Shige sighed. “How did I get myself into this mess?”
Groups/Pairings: NEWS; implied Koyama/Yamapi, Koyama/Shige friendship
Word Count: 2,611
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Morbid concepts; death.
Summary: Yamapi helps prepare Koyama for the life of a Gatekeeper, as they both try to face their past and their future.
Notes: Written for natsudive for je_otherworlds. Also, thanks always to my quick and efficient beta.
---
Koyama dug into his pocket and pulled out his Gatekeeper Handbook. “I know it’s in here somewhere. Rule number…rule, a-ha! I might be saved after all.”
Rule #4 -For any uncertainties, emergencies, and exceptions, call for help.
Your first contact should be me; it’s already programmed under your speed dial. If I cannot be reached, dial #23-837-5433 on any phone and you’ll be connected with our operating system.
Koyama found the nearest payphone and dialed. “Oh god, I really hope he doesn’t kill me,” he mumbled.
“Good morning, you have reached the Afterlife call center. How may I direct your call?”
“Um, can you connect me to Nishikido-san, please? Thank you.”
A few moments later, Ryo’s voice came on the line. “Yes, who is this?”
“It’s Koyama. I…lost my phone.”
There was an audible sigh and then a click. Before Koyama had the chance to hang the payphone up, Ryo was already standing behind him with a stern look on his face.
“I’m so sorry. I had this huge batch of people scheduled this morning, and while I was on my way up, in my rush, I must have left the phone at the scene, and I-”
Ryo remained silent, reaching into his pocket.
Koyama gasped at the sight of the black device in Ryo’s hand. “How did you-” And before he could finish his sentence, Ryo was gone again.
“Don’t do it again,” Ryo’s voice sounded in the afternoon breeze. Koyama nodded fervently to himself. He sighed a breath of relief as he looked up into the sky. “How did I get into this mess?”
It had only been a month since he started his new ‘job.’ Actually, it was more accurate to say that it had only been a month since he died. He would always remember that unusually warm spring night, the taste of the salty ramen he and his family had made together, and the sound of bats flying around on his way home.
-One month ago
After spending some time playing with his nephews, Koyama thought it was time to go home. He had to wake up early the next morning to pick Shige up to carpool to their part-time job. While Shige was still a university student, Koyama had already graduated and was saving up to start his own restaurant. He could already imagine how his store would be set up, excited just thinking about all the people he could make happy with his food. He still had many expectations for his future and death was the last thing on his mind. However, fate had other plans for him, and death greeted him at his apartment door.
He arrived at his home, door ajar, noise coming from inside. Before he knew what was hitting him, some masked men had shoved him against the unsteady rail, which unhinged at that heavy blow, falling eight stories to the parking lot below, Koyama along with it.
"What's going on?" Koyama asked as he attempted to get up. His body felt heavy, his mind muddled, trying to piece together how he ended up on his back. He looked to his right and there was a young man crouching there. In the dark, he could not see very well, but he wasn’t scared by his presence. The man tapped his shoulder once and he suddenly felt much lighter.
Koyama stood up and faced the man. "Thanks for helping me, sir. Those men up there, and-uh-I fell, but I feel okay. I was lucky, I could have died."
The mysterious young man spoke for the first time, "You did die."
A light went on in the apartment behind them and Koyama caught a glimpse of what the other man looked like. He was tall, had a slender face with a small but warm smile.
Koyama tried to stay calm when he asked, "What do you mean?”
The man gestured to look behind him. There lay Koyama's body, still as a rock, his head turned to the side, but evidently bleeding out on the ground.
"Let's talk on the way up," the man said, as he gently placed a hand on Koyama's shoulder.
"You’ll have lots of questions and it’ll be a lot easier to hear the answers once you’re all cleaned up."
Before Koyama could utter another word, he felt himself lifted, wind whirling past his face, yet he could not open his eyes to see where he was headed.
"Do you know what I am?” He heard the other man's voice beside him and wondered if this was a dream.
"I...don’t know. Where are we going? What’s going to happen with my body, my family-”
“Koyama, it’s going to be okay.”
He quirked his head, wondering how he knew his name, but at the sound of his firm voice, Koyama felt like, in that moment, he could be okay.
They came to a stop a few moments later, and Koyama sensed ground beneath his feet. He opened his eyes to see a lounge in front of him, white couches scattered around with people chatting, and a receptionist at the front of the room. The man ushered him towards the desk as he continued to look around.
"Koyama Keiichiro?"
"Ah…yes?"
"Welcome to the Afterlife. Please have a seat; the doctor will be with you shortly. In the meantime, Yamashita here will explain everything to you."
"You can call me Yamapi," he smiled brightly and extended a hand.
---
So that was the beginning of Koyama’s afterlife. It was relatively pleasant now that he looked back on it. Everything except for the mean Nishikido Ryo, the head supervisor of the Afterlife program. He wasn’t mean, just extremely crass, which made people wonder how he got that job in the first place. But even more curious was how long he had been up there. There was a limit to how long a soul could stay before moving on to the next life. Koyama speculated that Ryo’s was beyond its time and it was getting grumpy from old age.
The alarm on his phone interrupted the rest of his reverie, alerting him of his next appointment.
“Nishida Rin (28), Narita airport, Boeing 747, 12:18pm.”
“Ah, this is your first pick-up on a plane, isn’t it?” A familiar voice inquired from beside him. He turned around to see Yamapi with his leather jacket slung over his shoulder.
Koyama would never get used to people appearing out of thin air like that. Traveling, they called it. Of course, he had yet to master it without being freaked out himself.
“Show me how it’s done, Captain,” he said while grabbing the jacket from him.
“Lame joke,” Yamapi said, not even attempting to get his jacket back. “Oh by the way, Ryo wants you to go see Dr. Yuya next week to see how you’re dealing with everything.”
“Oh right, the therapist. What am I supposed to talk about? ‘In the past month, I’ve picked up 100 souls and I have some issues with my boss. Oh, and I like to steal my partner’s jackets.’”
Yamapi chuckled. “Don’t be silly, you know I let you steal them. Though, all jokes aside, we’re just concerned about you. We know what it’s like transitioning. We wake up each day, we have friends, and this job, so it seems like we never left the world we knew. We laugh, cry, hope, love.” Yamapi stopped in his tracks and looked Koyama in the eyes. “We didn’t choose this and it’s hard to let go of our past. It affects you more than you think.”
Koyama stood there for a moment and thought there was so much about Yamapi he still had to learn. He would often ask him about his personal story, but he kept most of those to himself. Instead, he would ask Koyama about his, which he was always willing to divulge. Their relationship was built on this balance, one filling in the holes where the other was not willing to face them yet.
Yamapi changed the topic. “So, how was the car pile-up this morning?”
“Nothing out of the ordinary. I was on time (Rule #1), made sure it was the right person (Rule #2) and went on my way. Oh, I left my phone at the site, and Ryo had to hand it back to me.”
Yamapi hissed and made a face, “He wasn’t happy.” They both knew there was no question about that.
“You’ve known him for two years now; has he gotten any better?”
“I think so. We get along better than we used to. I think he just has a thing against incompetence. It just so happens that newbies are the epitome of incompetence, so he can’t really stand it and turns into mister grumpy pants. No offense, on his behalf,” Yamapi replied with a laugh.
“Mister grumpy pants?” Koyama raised an eyebrow.
“Well, he is grumpy.” Yamapi tried to brush it off and walk ahead, as Koyama snickered.
---
They arrived at their destination with five minutes to spare.
Yamapi had his ‘all-business’ face on. “Ok, just do what you would normally do. We’re on time, we’ll confirm her identity, and we’ll tap her once to get the soul out of her body. The only difference is the logistics of getting out of the airplane. Since you’re not used to Traveling as it is, it’ll be a little strange trying to move right past the plane’s walls. You’ll have to prepare your mind for it, and if anything happens, I’ll be right there. Okay?”
Koyama nodded, trying to relax. He had gotten onto the plane just fine, practicing his Traveling skills, but it would be a different matter once he was carrying another soul with him.
“Ok, breathe,” Yamapi said. He placed a hand on his shoulder, the same spot he had used when he first picked Koyama up that spring night. The warmth of that hand calmed him down and he tried to concentrate on other things going on in the plane.
There was a family of three, the parents making sure the excited young boy was buckled in properly, and talking about what they would do once they landed. In front of them was a business woman with her eyes closed, probably trying to block the noise out. And then, there were the shuffling of luggage in the overhead compartments, stewardesses directing people to their seats and preparing for lift off.
Koyama became so concentrated with all these people that he totally forgot he was on the job. But then a familiar voice drew him towards the front of the cabin.
“When we get back, we should probably work on the case analysis. I have a photography project due the following week, so the sooner the better. No, no, that’s fine. I’m on the plane, so I’ll call you when I land again. Okay? Ok, bye.”
“Shige…”
Just as he said this, the young man walked right through him, as if Koyama didn’t exist. This hit him hard. He didn’t exist. He stared after Shige. He looked thinner, maybe because of the longer hair. He was wearing the same headband he had always used when they worked out together. A wave of nostalgia hit him, and it took all of his being not to follow Shige back to his seat. He became so entrenched with his emotions that he didn’t care that Yamapi witnessed this entire thing. But he was still there, his hand keeping his shoulder warm, remaining the ever vigilant, silent guardian.
Koyama held in his tears and gathered the courage to look over at Yamapi. His eyes were sad, but showed understanding, and he offered a small smile. “It’s time. Koyama, I need you to sit this out.”
“No, I can do this. I have to do this,” he insisted.
Yamapi shook his head. “No, Koyama. The person we’re about to pick up, she’ll need you to be there, fully, and I don’t think you’re in the right state of mind for that. I’m sorry.”
Deep down Koyama knew he was right; it wasn’t fair to the person. He also knew that Yamapi never took his job lightly, so he stepped aside.
---
Koyama felt horrible about what happened. His insides were squirming, remembering just how easily Shige passed through him like air. But he was also angry and disappointed that he let Yamapi down.
His friend finally came out of Dr. Yuya’s office after welcoming Nishida Rin’s soul into the Afterlife, and attempted to smile. Even if he had been doing it for a couple years, it always got to him.
“How is she doing?”
“Shocked, normal.”
Koyama nodded. “Look, I wanted to apologize for my reaction back there. I…mean, how could that have happened? I’m not supposed to see anyone that I used to know, right?”
Yamapi shook his head. “How are you dealing?”
“Well, I feel sick, drained. That guy back there, he was my best friend, like my brother, and it hurts, ya know? I won’t be there for the rest of his life. And when he gets here, hopefully a long time from now, I won’t even be here for that.”
Yamapi nodded, empathetically. “It’s hard watching the world go on, because we go there every day, yet we can never stay.”
“You’re going to make me cry, Pi.” Koyama hit him on the arm lightly. His eyes searched Yamapi’s, hoping to find some answers there. “You’ve gone through this too.”
He said nothing, only pulling Koyama into a tight hug. He could feel his tense muscles start to relax, and they just stood there in silence for a moment.
“Did you know Ryo’s the one who picks people for this job?”
Koyama shook his head, and Yamapi continued. “The night he sent me to you, I had the same experience you had today. I saw my sister and immediately wanted to quit. I knew that would mean never moving on to the next life, but I couldn’t take the pain. So Ryo made a deal with me. He said that after that night, if I felt like I couldn’t take another soul, I could leave without penalty. And well, you know how the rest goes.”
They pulled apart, Yamapi looking to see Koyama’s reaction, but he was just smiling. There were evident tears streaming down his face, but he didn’t care.
“So, I got the job thanks to you,” Koyama chuckled, lightening up the mood.
“We don’t choose this life, Koyama, but life has a way of choosing things for us that aren’t so bad. Please don’t give up. There’s going to be someone out there who needs you to be their Gatekeeper, just like you were mine.”
Koyama smiled and said, “Don’t be silly, you were mine first.”
---
5 years later…
“Yamashita-san, I wish I didn’t have to call you using the payphone, but-”
*click*
“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Yamashita suddenly appeared in the phone booth, startling the trainee for a moment. He handed the cell phone back and smiled. “Sorry, but I’m in a rush, got a date, so keep up the good work.” And with that, the Head of the Afterlife program disappeared.
“I wish he wouldn’t do that.”
“Why, Shige? You scare so easily,” a voice startled him once again.
“Koyama! Just because you’re my senior doesn’t mean I won’t kick you-”
“Nope, gotta wait another time for that, Shige, running late for a date. Bye~” The afternoon breeze whirled past and left no trace of anyone being there.
Shige sighed. “How did I get myself into this mess?”