Thing a week
This one has some similarities to last week, in terms of shifting tone. It also has some more liberalism, I think. Enjoy, if you're so inclined.
How to Lie to Children
Narrator - We've all heard that honesty is the best policy. Well, I've got news for you - whoever says that is lying, and good for them. Lies are crucial. Over 70% of the things you hear are lies, and that includes this sentence. But of all the lies we tell, none are more important than the lies we tell to our children.
Mom - (To first baby) You are so cute! You are just the most adorable baby ever!
Narrator - Given the twelve billion babies that have been born in history, the truth of that statement is unlikely. But it's important for the formation of proper self-esteem.
Mom - (Same actress, playing a different mom, to a different baby) Did you poop again and make a big stinky mess? Yes you did! Your solid waste is entirely liquid! Yes it is!
Narrator - This is bad. If your baby's first word is 'incontinent,' he'll be a social outcast. Either that or a doctor, but it's not worth the risk.
David - (The first baby) Mommy, why is the sky blue?
Mom - It's God's favorite color.
David - Really?
Mom - Would I lie to you?
Narrator - Don't answer that. You can see here that a variation on 'because I said so,' used in place of a complicated truth, can prevent a long string of questions.
Kyle - (The second baby) Why is there winter?
Mom - Cause the earth's tilted a bit away from the sun.
Kyle - Why?
Mom - Cause it's tilted like this. (she demonstrates with an orange or something) We're here, tilted away, so it's winter.
Kyle - We go around?
Mom - Yep, around the sun.
Kyle - Why don't we fall down into the sun?
Mom - I don't know.
Narrator - If you don't know why the Earth doesn't fall into the sun, how do you know that too much sugar will give him cavities? You've gotta know. (slight pause) For the record, the Earth is falling into the sun, very very slowly, and God's favorite color is, of course, orange. (pause) At about this age, though, you'll get a lot of unpleasant questions, topped off by a cherry of awkwardness.
David - Where do babies come from?
Mom - Storks deliver them.
David - (Pause) Where do baby storks come from?
Mom - Seagulls deliver them.
David - What about baby seagulls?
Mom - It's turtles all the way down.
Narrator - Admittedly, the execution was not very good there, but it's still better than the alternative.
Mom - And then about nine months later the baby comes out.
Kyle - Doesn't it hurt?
Mom - Having a baby? Yeah.
Kyle - I won't have kids. I don't want to hurt anybody.
Mom - Even though it hurts it's still worth it. Trust me.
Narrator - That's touching and all, but you still scared him. And you're not supposed to scare him away from sex until after puberty. But once you get past the babies question it's smooth sailing for a while. A sprinkling of pastoral falsehoods to ease the passage of childhood and keep dreams alive.
Kyle - Is the easter bunny real?
Mom - In the same sense as Santa Claus.
Kyle - So not really?
Mom - Yeah.
David - Why are there bunnies on Easter?
Mom - Cause that's how the holiday is.
David - Did Jesus have pet bunnies?
Mom - You know, he probably did.
Narrator - Technically, you don't know that he didn't. After all, his daddy could have gotten him anything he wanted.
David - Am I ever gonna need to use cursive?
Mom - Yeah, sometimes.
David - That's not true.
Mom - No, for writing letters to people.
Kyle - Am I ever gonna need to use math?
Mom - Pretty often, yeah.
Kyle - Really?
Mom - Sure. Don't I owe you some allowance?
Kyle - You forgot last week, so you owe me twice as much. (pause) Oh.
Narrator - Sometimes the truth is safe. But you have to remember, it's like the light of the sun. Too much of it will blind you.
Kyle - Where's Max?
Mom - Come here, honey.
Kyle - Where is he?
Mom - Sweetheart, Max died last night.
Kyle - Max!
Mom - I'm so sorry.
David - Where's Wolfie?
Mom - Well, honey, he ran off again. The house just isn't big enough for him.
David - We've gotta find him.
Mom - We found him, sweetie, but we need to take him somewhere where there's enough space for him.
David - Can I visit him?
Mom - Someday.
Narrator - Someday. (slight pause) High school is another minefield. There are all sorts of truths that you have to keep away from him. Look at this approach.
Mom - You shouldn't until you're married. There are a lot of diseases that you could get. And you don't want to be a parent at your age.
David - A parent? Isn't that up to the stork?
Mom - How'd I get such a smartassed kid?
David - Well, Mom, when two smartasses love each other very much-
Mom - Aw, shut up.
Narrator - Isn't that touching? Now contrast that with this.
Mom - Some of it is safe. Alcohol is fine, as long as you don't have too much or drive. Nobody wants to kiss a smoker, though. And harder stuff ... I took acid once, and saw a bunch of floaty colors. My roommate took the same stuff and screamed for two hours, stark terror, until she lost her voice. It's a crapshoot, basically. And what you're shooting at is your brain.
Kyle - Well thanks. You've got me terrified of drugs.
Mom - I figured it was either that, or dress up as a joint and jump out at you from a dark alleyway.
Narrator - Oh, sure, he says he's terrified. But can you really believe what a teenager says to you? They lie like adults. They learn.
Kyle - Is this seat taken?
David - Uh, no. (He moves his backpack.)
Kyle - Thanks.
Narrator - The truth is like the face of God. It's wonderful, I'm sure, but seeing it all at once would destroy you.
Kyle - So have you taken any psych before?
David - Nah. Else I wouldn't be in 101.
Kyle - True.
Narrator - There are layers in between, lesser and lesser lights leading out into the dark, all to shield you. “No, that dress does not make you look fat” is like the Archangel Gabriel, standing guard against the blinding truth that it's your butt that makes you look fat.
Kyle - So are you taking it as a gen-ed, or what?
David - I'm gonna major in it, actually. Get a Ph. D., find a practice. I like people.
Kyle - You mean you're gonna get a job doing something you like? People do that?
David - Occasionally, yeah.
Kyle - It probably doesn't hurt that you can make piles of money, though.
David - That's not the important thing.
Kyle - But it doesn't hurt.
David - No.
Narrator - The honest truth - I'm not very good at this, so bear with me - is that we lie because we care about each other. Like any tool, there are other uses, but protecting others is the main one. You have to lie to your children so that they can learn to do the same for others.
Kyle - So, uh, are you going to lunch after this?
David - I guess so.
Kyle - Do you wanna go to the nest?
David - As...
Kyle - As whatever.
David - No. No thanks. Sorry. (pause) You think I'm-
Kyle - You have the same costume design textbook as me, I just assumed.
David - That anyone who likes theater is gay? Ease back on your prejudices there. Statistically there's no correlation.
Kyle - I'll file that with lies and damned lies.
David - You go right ahead. I don't care.
Kyle - Sorry I brought it up. (he leaves.)
How to Lie to Children
Narrator - We've all heard that honesty is the best policy. Well, I've got news for you - whoever says that is lying, and good for them. Lies are crucial. Over 70% of the things you hear are lies, and that includes this sentence. But of all the lies we tell, none are more important than the lies we tell to our children.
Mom - (To first baby) You are so cute! You are just the most adorable baby ever!
Narrator - Given the twelve billion babies that have been born in history, the truth of that statement is unlikely. But it's important for the formation of proper self-esteem.
Mom - (Same actress, playing a different mom, to a different baby) Did you poop again and make a big stinky mess? Yes you did! Your solid waste is entirely liquid! Yes it is!
Narrator - This is bad. If your baby's first word is 'incontinent,' he'll be a social outcast. Either that or a doctor, but it's not worth the risk.
David - (The first baby) Mommy, why is the sky blue?
Mom - It's God's favorite color.
David - Really?
Mom - Would I lie to you?
Narrator - Don't answer that. You can see here that a variation on 'because I said so,' used in place of a complicated truth, can prevent a long string of questions.
Kyle - (The second baby) Why is there winter?
Mom - Cause the earth's tilted a bit away from the sun.
Kyle - Why?
Mom - Cause it's tilted like this. (she demonstrates with an orange or something) We're here, tilted away, so it's winter.
Kyle - We go around?
Mom - Yep, around the sun.
Kyle - Why don't we fall down into the sun?
Mom - I don't know.
Narrator - If you don't know why the Earth doesn't fall into the sun, how do you know that too much sugar will give him cavities? You've gotta know. (slight pause) For the record, the Earth is falling into the sun, very very slowly, and God's favorite color is, of course, orange. (pause) At about this age, though, you'll get a lot of unpleasant questions, topped off by a cherry of awkwardness.
David - Where do babies come from?
Mom - Storks deliver them.
David - (Pause) Where do baby storks come from?
Mom - Seagulls deliver them.
David - What about baby seagulls?
Mom - It's turtles all the way down.
Narrator - Admittedly, the execution was not very good there, but it's still better than the alternative.
Mom - And then about nine months later the baby comes out.
Kyle - Doesn't it hurt?
Mom - Having a baby? Yeah.
Kyle - I won't have kids. I don't want to hurt anybody.
Mom - Even though it hurts it's still worth it. Trust me.
Narrator - That's touching and all, but you still scared him. And you're not supposed to scare him away from sex until after puberty. But once you get past the babies question it's smooth sailing for a while. A sprinkling of pastoral falsehoods to ease the passage of childhood and keep dreams alive.
Kyle - Is the easter bunny real?
Mom - In the same sense as Santa Claus.
Kyle - So not really?
Mom - Yeah.
David - Why are there bunnies on Easter?
Mom - Cause that's how the holiday is.
David - Did Jesus have pet bunnies?
Mom - You know, he probably did.
Narrator - Technically, you don't know that he didn't. After all, his daddy could have gotten him anything he wanted.
David - Am I ever gonna need to use cursive?
Mom - Yeah, sometimes.
David - That's not true.
Mom - No, for writing letters to people.
Kyle - Am I ever gonna need to use math?
Mom - Pretty often, yeah.
Kyle - Really?
Mom - Sure. Don't I owe you some allowance?
Kyle - You forgot last week, so you owe me twice as much. (pause) Oh.
Narrator - Sometimes the truth is safe. But you have to remember, it's like the light of the sun. Too much of it will blind you.
Kyle - Where's Max?
Mom - Come here, honey.
Kyle - Where is he?
Mom - Sweetheart, Max died last night.
Kyle - Max!
Mom - I'm so sorry.
David - Where's Wolfie?
Mom - Well, honey, he ran off again. The house just isn't big enough for him.
David - We've gotta find him.
Mom - We found him, sweetie, but we need to take him somewhere where there's enough space for him.
David - Can I visit him?
Mom - Someday.
Narrator - Someday. (slight pause) High school is another minefield. There are all sorts of truths that you have to keep away from him. Look at this approach.
Mom - You shouldn't until you're married. There are a lot of diseases that you could get. And you don't want to be a parent at your age.
David - A parent? Isn't that up to the stork?
Mom - How'd I get such a smartassed kid?
David - Well, Mom, when two smartasses love each other very much-
Mom - Aw, shut up.
Narrator - Isn't that touching? Now contrast that with this.
Mom - Some of it is safe. Alcohol is fine, as long as you don't have too much or drive. Nobody wants to kiss a smoker, though. And harder stuff ... I took acid once, and saw a bunch of floaty colors. My roommate took the same stuff and screamed for two hours, stark terror, until she lost her voice. It's a crapshoot, basically. And what you're shooting at is your brain.
Kyle - Well thanks. You've got me terrified of drugs.
Mom - I figured it was either that, or dress up as a joint and jump out at you from a dark alleyway.
Narrator - Oh, sure, he says he's terrified. But can you really believe what a teenager says to you? They lie like adults. They learn.
Kyle - Is this seat taken?
David - Uh, no. (He moves his backpack.)
Kyle - Thanks.
Narrator - The truth is like the face of God. It's wonderful, I'm sure, but seeing it all at once would destroy you.
Kyle - So have you taken any psych before?
David - Nah. Else I wouldn't be in 101.
Kyle - True.
Narrator - There are layers in between, lesser and lesser lights leading out into the dark, all to shield you. “No, that dress does not make you look fat” is like the Archangel Gabriel, standing guard against the blinding truth that it's your butt that makes you look fat.
Kyle - So are you taking it as a gen-ed, or what?
David - I'm gonna major in it, actually. Get a Ph. D., find a practice. I like people.
Kyle - You mean you're gonna get a job doing something you like? People do that?
David - Occasionally, yeah.
Kyle - It probably doesn't hurt that you can make piles of money, though.
David - That's not the important thing.
Kyle - But it doesn't hurt.
David - No.
Narrator - The honest truth - I'm not very good at this, so bear with me - is that we lie because we care about each other. Like any tool, there are other uses, but protecting others is the main one. You have to lie to your children so that they can learn to do the same for others.
Kyle - So, uh, are you going to lunch after this?
David - I guess so.
Kyle - Do you wanna go to the nest?
David - As...
Kyle - As whatever.
David - No. No thanks. Sorry. (pause) You think I'm-
Kyle - You have the same costume design textbook as me, I just assumed.
David - That anyone who likes theater is gay? Ease back on your prejudices there. Statistically there's no correlation.
Kyle - I'll file that with lies and damned lies.
David - You go right ahead. I don't care.
Kyle - Sorry I brought it up. (he leaves.)