Thing a week
This is late. I'm about a week behind right now. I'm working on that.
Also, if you have not read Hamlet within the past few years, this play will make less sense. But hopefully you'll still like it.
Hamlet - Places in ten, everyone. I might be afraid to act but you'd better get your asses in gear.
Horatio - You don't mean that, do you?
Hamlet - Oh yeah. It takes me three scenes to stop the shakes.
Horatio - No, I mean that crap about Hamlet being about inaction.
Hamlet - I kill five people. That's not exactly lethargic.
Horatio - In college all the English majors were convinced of it.
Hamlet - Just goes to show they should see a play every now and then.
Horatio - Their parties sucked, too. Speaking of which, Laertes is gonna do mixed drinks this evening.
Hamlet - Cool.
Horatio - (to Ophelia) So are you coming?
Hamlet - Where's my, uh, black costume thing?
Ophelia - You'll need to be more specific than that.
Hamlet - The vest part.
Ophelia - I think it got hung up.
Hamlet - It was right on the floor where I wanted it. Who would hang it up?
Ophelia - I dunno.
Horatio - What was it doing on the floor anyway?
Hamlet - I needed to press it flat.
Horatio - That's costume's job.
Hamlet - Well, they didn't do it.
Horatio - Well you should tell them to do it. Putting it on the floor is crazy.
Hamlet - There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Horatio - Yeah well your philosophy's still wetting the bed.
Hamlet - Your philosophy couldn't argue its way out of a wet paper bag.
Horatio - Your philosophy needs a map to find the bathroom and another map to use it.
Claudius - Boys, please.
Horatio - So much for being true to thine own self.
Hamlet - Well his own self is kind of a dick.
Ophelia - Are you gonna throw any more of your clothes on the floor?
Hamlet - Not planning on it, why?
Ophelia - I just don't want to get bits of your suits of solemn black caught in my dress.
Hamlet - Yeah, if the audience sees my pair of solemn black boxers there they might get the wrong idea.
Horatio - Or the right one.
Hamlet - Shut up, you.
Horatio - It's a valid question, though. Are Hamlet and Ophelia banging? Have you yielded your chaste treasure to his unmastered opportunity, which, by the way, is a fairly apt description of your little Dane.
Hamlet - There's a description of yours in there, too. 'What, has the thing come round again?'
Horatio - Oh, the thing don't stop coming around.
Ophelia - I always knew you two were schoolmates. But you're closer than I thought.
Horatio - Oh, we go way back.
Hamlet - Doesn't Ophelia have school friends who tell her dirty jokes?
Ophelia - Where'd you think I learned that song from Act 4?
Hamlet - I'd figured Laertes taught it to you.
Ophelia - Really?
Hamlet - Yeah. Brothers do that.
Ophelia - What an itinerant minister he is.
Claudius - Speaking of itinerant, are you three getting ready?
Hamlet - Yes.
Horatio - Don't you have a kingdom to run?
Claudius - Once I'm in costume, yes.
Ophelia - So do you know any dirty jokes in character?
Hamlet - Only when I'm crazy. Then I'm all about the country matters. Otherwise I can't even write good love poems.
Horatio - It's cause you're emo.
Hamlet - Hamlet is not emo, he's goth.
Horatio - What?
Hamlet - Look at my first soliloquy. 'Oh, I wish I could kill myself! Life is awful! This country is diseased! I'm going to go listen to the Cure!'
Ophelia - Besides, he can't be emo. He has a girlfriend.
Hamlet - Yeah. So there.
Horatio - Whatever. Go make out with your mom.
Ophelia - You aren't very goth in real life.
Hamlet - Nah. Good music but bad makeup. I don't have a girlfriend in real life either.
Ophelia - I know. (pause) You've probably never been tasked by your dead father to avenge his murder, either.
Hamlet - Just once.
Horatio - You never did answer my question about shagging. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to make lots of embarrassing guesses?
Hamlet - Quite the voyeur, aren't you?
Horatio - Inquiring minds want to know.
Ophelia - No, we're not.
Horatio - Too bad.
Claudius - Horatio, the SM wants you for something.
Horatio - Alright. (to Hamlet) Don't forget the beer tonight. And if you're gonna start banging, wait until I get back.
Hamlet - Everybody in Denmark is crazy, I think.
Ophelia - Yeah.
Hamlet - I'm sorry if he makes you uncomfortable. He doesn't mean to.
Ophelia - Yes he does. A bit. But he doesn't succeed, really.
Hamlet - He's a good guy, deep down. Though you'd have to dig a bit to get him to admit it.
Ophelia - He sure is the life of the cast party, though.
Hamlet - He's the life of the play, too.
Ophelia - How's that?
Hamlet - He lives through it.
Ophelia - Ah.
Hamlet - (pause) So Ophelia and Hamlet aren't sleeping together?
Ophelia - No. Did you...
Hamlet - Well, uh, we talked about how they'd been seeing each other for a few months, I just assumed.
Ophelia - Oh. I should have been more specific.
Hamlet - Well I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.
Ophelia - I know.
Hamlet - Well either way, they were at an awkward stage in their relationship before he went crazy and killed her dad, right?
Ophelia - Yeah.
Hamlet - So you're not going to the cast party, I guess?
Ophelia - No. I never was much for draining draughts of Rhenish.
Hamlet - It's mostly PBR.
Ophelia - Hardly an improvement.
Hamlet - Not really. (pause) So would you want to go to dinner instead then?
Ophelia - It's kinda late for dinner.
Hamlet - Well my schedule is kinda weird - a snack, then.
Ophelia - Alright (pause) You sure you don't want to drop by the party for a bit? I could -
Hamlet - Nah, I don't need to.
Ophelia - Okay.
Claudius - Ophelia - the SM is summoning you now.
Ophelia - See you onstage.
Hamlet - Yep. (She exits. Horatio returns and begins to put on his sword.)
Horatio - Get your ass in gear man. I'm on in three.
Hamlet - I've got time. I'll be fine.
Horatio - You did buy the beer, right?
Hamlet - Yeah. I'll give it to you after the show.
Horatio - Aren't you coming?
Hamlet - No.
Horatio - Dost thou have a date?
Hamlet - Yeah.
Horatio - Are you going to govern her ventages and make her discourse sweet music?
Hamlet - It's just dinner.
Horatio - Not where she eats, but where she gets eaten out?
Hamlet - I'm just importuning her with love in honorable fashion. That's all.
Horatio - Alright. Well we'll miss you at the party.
Hamlet - You'll be fine. Break a leg up there.
Horatio - Yeah. (exits)
Claudius - Well look who's growing up.
Hamlet - Oh, go fuck your sister. (exits)
Also, if you have not read Hamlet within the past few years, this play will make less sense. But hopefully you'll still like it.
Hamlet - Places in ten, everyone. I might be afraid to act but you'd better get your asses in gear.
Horatio - You don't mean that, do you?
Hamlet - Oh yeah. It takes me three scenes to stop the shakes.
Horatio - No, I mean that crap about Hamlet being about inaction.
Hamlet - I kill five people. That's not exactly lethargic.
Horatio - In college all the English majors were convinced of it.
Hamlet - Just goes to show they should see a play every now and then.
Horatio - Their parties sucked, too. Speaking of which, Laertes is gonna do mixed drinks this evening.
Hamlet - Cool.
Horatio - (to Ophelia) So are you coming?
Hamlet - Where's my, uh, black costume thing?
Ophelia - You'll need to be more specific than that.
Hamlet - The vest part.
Ophelia - I think it got hung up.
Hamlet - It was right on the floor where I wanted it. Who would hang it up?
Ophelia - I dunno.
Horatio - What was it doing on the floor anyway?
Hamlet - I needed to press it flat.
Horatio - That's costume's job.
Hamlet - Well, they didn't do it.
Horatio - Well you should tell them to do it. Putting it on the floor is crazy.
Hamlet - There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Horatio - Yeah well your philosophy's still wetting the bed.
Hamlet - Your philosophy couldn't argue its way out of a wet paper bag.
Horatio - Your philosophy needs a map to find the bathroom and another map to use it.
Claudius - Boys, please.
Horatio - So much for being true to thine own self.
Hamlet - Well his own self is kind of a dick.
Ophelia - Are you gonna throw any more of your clothes on the floor?
Hamlet - Not planning on it, why?
Ophelia - I just don't want to get bits of your suits of solemn black caught in my dress.
Hamlet - Yeah, if the audience sees my pair of solemn black boxers there they might get the wrong idea.
Horatio - Or the right one.
Hamlet - Shut up, you.
Horatio - It's a valid question, though. Are Hamlet and Ophelia banging? Have you yielded your chaste treasure to his unmastered opportunity, which, by the way, is a fairly apt description of your little Dane.
Hamlet - There's a description of yours in there, too. 'What, has the thing come round again?'
Horatio - Oh, the thing don't stop coming around.
Ophelia - I always knew you two were schoolmates. But you're closer than I thought.
Horatio - Oh, we go way back.
Hamlet - Doesn't Ophelia have school friends who tell her dirty jokes?
Ophelia - Where'd you think I learned that song from Act 4?
Hamlet - I'd figured Laertes taught it to you.
Ophelia - Really?
Hamlet - Yeah. Brothers do that.
Ophelia - What an itinerant minister he is.
Claudius - Speaking of itinerant, are you three getting ready?
Hamlet - Yes.
Horatio - Don't you have a kingdom to run?
Claudius - Once I'm in costume, yes.
Ophelia - So do you know any dirty jokes in character?
Hamlet - Only when I'm crazy. Then I'm all about the country matters. Otherwise I can't even write good love poems.
Horatio - It's cause you're emo.
Hamlet - Hamlet is not emo, he's goth.
Horatio - What?
Hamlet - Look at my first soliloquy. 'Oh, I wish I could kill myself! Life is awful! This country is diseased! I'm going to go listen to the Cure!'
Ophelia - Besides, he can't be emo. He has a girlfriend.
Hamlet - Yeah. So there.
Horatio - Whatever. Go make out with your mom.
Ophelia - You aren't very goth in real life.
Hamlet - Nah. Good music but bad makeup. I don't have a girlfriend in real life either.
Ophelia - I know. (pause) You've probably never been tasked by your dead father to avenge his murder, either.
Hamlet - Just once.
Horatio - You never did answer my question about shagging. Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to make lots of embarrassing guesses?
Hamlet - Quite the voyeur, aren't you?
Horatio - Inquiring minds want to know.
Ophelia - No, we're not.
Horatio - Too bad.
Claudius - Horatio, the SM wants you for something.
Horatio - Alright. (to Hamlet) Don't forget the beer tonight. And if you're gonna start banging, wait until I get back.
Hamlet - Everybody in Denmark is crazy, I think.
Ophelia - Yeah.
Hamlet - I'm sorry if he makes you uncomfortable. He doesn't mean to.
Ophelia - Yes he does. A bit. But he doesn't succeed, really.
Hamlet - He's a good guy, deep down. Though you'd have to dig a bit to get him to admit it.
Ophelia - He sure is the life of the cast party, though.
Hamlet - He's the life of the play, too.
Ophelia - How's that?
Hamlet - He lives through it.
Ophelia - Ah.
Hamlet - (pause) So Ophelia and Hamlet aren't sleeping together?
Ophelia - No. Did you...
Hamlet - Well, uh, we talked about how they'd been seeing each other for a few months, I just assumed.
Ophelia - Oh. I should have been more specific.
Hamlet - Well I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.
Ophelia - I know.
Hamlet - Well either way, they were at an awkward stage in their relationship before he went crazy and killed her dad, right?
Ophelia - Yeah.
Hamlet - So you're not going to the cast party, I guess?
Ophelia - No. I never was much for draining draughts of Rhenish.
Hamlet - It's mostly PBR.
Ophelia - Hardly an improvement.
Hamlet - Not really. (pause) So would you want to go to dinner instead then?
Ophelia - It's kinda late for dinner.
Hamlet - Well my schedule is kinda weird - a snack, then.
Ophelia - Alright (pause) You sure you don't want to drop by the party for a bit? I could -
Hamlet - Nah, I don't need to.
Ophelia - Okay.
Claudius - Ophelia - the SM is summoning you now.
Ophelia - See you onstage.
Hamlet - Yep. (She exits. Horatio returns and begins to put on his sword.)
Horatio - Get your ass in gear man. I'm on in three.
Hamlet - I've got time. I'll be fine.
Horatio - You did buy the beer, right?
Hamlet - Yeah. I'll give it to you after the show.
Horatio - Aren't you coming?
Hamlet - No.
Horatio - Dost thou have a date?
Hamlet - Yeah.
Horatio - Are you going to govern her ventages and make her discourse sweet music?
Hamlet - It's just dinner.
Horatio - Not where she eats, but where she gets eaten out?
Hamlet - I'm just importuning her with love in honorable fashion. That's all.
Horatio - Alright. Well we'll miss you at the party.
Hamlet - You'll be fine. Break a leg up there.
Horatio - Yeah. (exits)
Claudius - Well look who's growing up.
Hamlet - Oh, go fuck your sister. (exits)