Thing a (period of time)
Another thing a week. Nevermind the non-weekly schedule. It is still a thing a week.
His Majesty King Henry VIII of England, Long be His Reign, Explains the Birds and the Bees to Her Royal Highness Princess Elizabeth
Henry - Elizabeth?
Elizabeth - Go away.
Henry - Oh come on. You can't stay locked up in the tower forever.
Elizabeth - I certainly can.
Henry - No you can't. You're coming down for dinner because I'm the King and I say so.
Elizabeth - Fine.
Henry - And be cheerful. That popinjay the French King is visiting.
Elizabeth - I said fine.
Henry - That doesn't sound very cheerful.
Elizabeth - Well then give me something to be cheerful about. Go away.
Henry - What's gotten into you?
Elizabeth - Go ask Catherine.
Henry - Would it kill you to call her mother?
Elizabeth - You know better than I do what's liable to kill me us.
Henry - Can you please just tell me what's wrong.
Elizabeth - (pause) I...started bleeding.
Henry - Oh. (pause) Oh. Well didn't Catherine...show you what to do?
Elizabeth - Yes.
Henry - Well then what's the problem?
Elizabeth - Nevermind.
Henry - No, I know there's a problem or you wouldn't be hiding out.
Elizabeth - I don't get it.
Henry - What's to get?
Elizabeth - I don't get why it's happening to me.
Henry - Didn't your mother explain that to you?
Elizabeth - I hardly ever met my mother. I'm sure you remember.
Henry - You're not making this any easier, you know.
Elizabeth - You don't know, do you.
Henry - Yes I do. Okay. Do you know where babies come from?
Elizabeth - Jane said they come from God when I asked her. That means she didn't want to tell me.
Henry - Well no. It's hard to talk about.
Elizabeth - It seems easy enough to do.
Henry - Don't talk like that.
Elizabeth - I've had five mothers. A sister and a brother. And that Henry boy at court says he's my brother too. I have to say it as it is.
Henry - If you want me to tell you you need to quiet that kind of talk.
Elizabeth - Okay.
Henry - (pause) Fine. Babies do come from God, but...they take a rather circuitous route. You know, in the Bible, where they talk of man lying with woman?
Elizabeth - Yes.
Henry - Well, that is where children come from. You're here because long a go I decided to lie with your mother.
Elizabeth - I know you lied with her.
Henry - Yes-
Elizabeth - You said you'd keep her, for one.
Henry - What was that?
Elizabeth - Nothing.
Henry - Your mother couldn't do her duty. She was to give me an heir and she couldn't.
Elizabeth - She gave you me.
Henry - Well you can't run the kingdom. You can get married and form an alliance.
Elizabeth - But if I'm going to give someone heirs I need to know how.
Henry - I'm sure your husband could show you.
Elizabeth - But then I might do it wrong, like number five. Wouldn't that be embarrassing for you.
Henry - You know, traditionally you're supposed to be embarrassed by this conversation.
Elizabeth - Given the choice I'd rather embarrass you.
Henry - Well I'm not giving you the choice. Have you ever seen a man naked?
Elizabeth - (pause) If I had, I wouldn't tell you.
Henry - Well the thing that you don't want to admit you saw is called a manhood, or will. When you do get married off, your husband will put that inside you. After a bit of that, you'll become with child, and the child will...come out the same way it came in.
Elizabeth - That...sounds disgusting.
Henry - Messy, yes. Particularly the parts I'm not there for, I'm told.
Elizabeth - What parts are those?
Henry - Birth.
Elizabeth - Why aren't you there?
Henry - I have important things to do.
Elizabeth - Don't you think your children are important?
Henry - Certainly. That's why I'm telling you this. But I just prefer to get my first look at you when you aren't covered in blood.
Elizabeth - It hurts, doesn't it.
Henry - I presume so. Go ask Catherine.
Elizabeth - She's childless. All of your wives who had kids are dead.
Henry - Well ask Catherine who else you can talk to about it - discreetly, of course, you can't be seen talking about it.
Elizabeth - But what if she doesn't tell me. I'll have no way to know.
Henry - You don't have to know beforehand. You can figure it out. You're clever.
Elizabeth - Maybe I won't do it.
Henry - You have to.
Elizabeth - Not everybody gets married.
Henry - No, but you aren't very religious or ugly. Those are the big excuses. (pause) Look, it's part of life. You get married, you have sex, you have kids. You have to make something of your life and if you don't get married I don't see how you can.
Elizabeth - (pause) What have you made of yourself?
Henry - What's that supposed to mean? I've made a good king of myself. I freed our country from the pope and his lackeys. I brought the nation together and guided it as God intended. And I produced an heir. And that last part is the best that you can do. So you'd better do it when the time comes.
Elizabeth - I could do better than that. I could run the country better than you.
Henry - No you couldn't. And you won't. Edward is my heir. And you're a woman.
Elizabeth - I noticed.
Henry - So get back in your place. Clean yourself up, put on a dress, and get down to dinner. And do it now.
Elizabeth - Sure.
Henry - And don't let me hear any more talk about running the country. Your brother will run the country.
Elizabeth - I won't let you hear any more of it.
Henry - I mean stop thinking about it. I want to see the end of that idea.
Elizabeth - You can't. I can't rule the country until after you're dead.
Henry - I could marry you off tomorrow if I wanted to.
Elizabeth - There's no prince of age.
Henry - I could find somebody.
Elizabeth - Are you really going to waste such a good diplomatic opportunity? What kind of King are you?
Henry - Your king, that's what kind. And you will do as I say, now and after I've gone.
Elizabeth - Certainly.
Henry - Don't say that to me like that. I-(pause)
Elizabeth - I'll be ready for dinner in a few minutes, father. Why don't you go downstairs. It wouldn't do to keep the French King waiting.
(pause)
(He exits)
Tell me what you think.
His Majesty King Henry VIII of England, Long be His Reign, Explains the Birds and the Bees to Her Royal Highness Princess Elizabeth
Henry - Elizabeth?
Elizabeth - Go away.
Henry - Oh come on. You can't stay locked up in the tower forever.
Elizabeth - I certainly can.
Henry - No you can't. You're coming down for dinner because I'm the King and I say so.
Elizabeth - Fine.
Henry - And be cheerful. That popinjay the French King is visiting.
Elizabeth - I said fine.
Henry - That doesn't sound very cheerful.
Elizabeth - Well then give me something to be cheerful about. Go away.
Henry - What's gotten into you?
Elizabeth - Go ask Catherine.
Henry - Would it kill you to call her mother?
Elizabeth - You know better than I do what's liable to kill me us.
Henry - Can you please just tell me what's wrong.
Elizabeth - (pause) I...started bleeding.
Henry - Oh. (pause) Oh. Well didn't Catherine...show you what to do?
Elizabeth - Yes.
Henry - Well then what's the problem?
Elizabeth - Nevermind.
Henry - No, I know there's a problem or you wouldn't be hiding out.
Elizabeth - I don't get it.
Henry - What's to get?
Elizabeth - I don't get why it's happening to me.
Henry - Didn't your mother explain that to you?
Elizabeth - I hardly ever met my mother. I'm sure you remember.
Henry - You're not making this any easier, you know.
Elizabeth - You don't know, do you.
Henry - Yes I do. Okay. Do you know where babies come from?
Elizabeth - Jane said they come from God when I asked her. That means she didn't want to tell me.
Henry - Well no. It's hard to talk about.
Elizabeth - It seems easy enough to do.
Henry - Don't talk like that.
Elizabeth - I've had five mothers. A sister and a brother. And that Henry boy at court says he's my brother too. I have to say it as it is.
Henry - If you want me to tell you you need to quiet that kind of talk.
Elizabeth - Okay.
Henry - (pause) Fine. Babies do come from God, but...they take a rather circuitous route. You know, in the Bible, where they talk of man lying with woman?
Elizabeth - Yes.
Henry - Well, that is where children come from. You're here because long a go I decided to lie with your mother.
Elizabeth - I know you lied with her.
Henry - Yes-
Elizabeth - You said you'd keep her, for one.
Henry - What was that?
Elizabeth - Nothing.
Henry - Your mother couldn't do her duty. She was to give me an heir and she couldn't.
Elizabeth - She gave you me.
Henry - Well you can't run the kingdom. You can get married and form an alliance.
Elizabeth - But if I'm going to give someone heirs I need to know how.
Henry - I'm sure your husband could show you.
Elizabeth - But then I might do it wrong, like number five. Wouldn't that be embarrassing for you.
Henry - You know, traditionally you're supposed to be embarrassed by this conversation.
Elizabeth - Given the choice I'd rather embarrass you.
Henry - Well I'm not giving you the choice. Have you ever seen a man naked?
Elizabeth - (pause) If I had, I wouldn't tell you.
Henry - Well the thing that you don't want to admit you saw is called a manhood, or will. When you do get married off, your husband will put that inside you. After a bit of that, you'll become with child, and the child will...come out the same way it came in.
Elizabeth - That...sounds disgusting.
Henry - Messy, yes. Particularly the parts I'm not there for, I'm told.
Elizabeth - What parts are those?
Henry - Birth.
Elizabeth - Why aren't you there?
Henry - I have important things to do.
Elizabeth - Don't you think your children are important?
Henry - Certainly. That's why I'm telling you this. But I just prefer to get my first look at you when you aren't covered in blood.
Elizabeth - It hurts, doesn't it.
Henry - I presume so. Go ask Catherine.
Elizabeth - She's childless. All of your wives who had kids are dead.
Henry - Well ask Catherine who else you can talk to about it - discreetly, of course, you can't be seen talking about it.
Elizabeth - But what if she doesn't tell me. I'll have no way to know.
Henry - You don't have to know beforehand. You can figure it out. You're clever.
Elizabeth - Maybe I won't do it.
Henry - You have to.
Elizabeth - Not everybody gets married.
Henry - No, but you aren't very religious or ugly. Those are the big excuses. (pause) Look, it's part of life. You get married, you have sex, you have kids. You have to make something of your life and if you don't get married I don't see how you can.
Elizabeth - (pause) What have you made of yourself?
Henry - What's that supposed to mean? I've made a good king of myself. I freed our country from the pope and his lackeys. I brought the nation together and guided it as God intended. And I produced an heir. And that last part is the best that you can do. So you'd better do it when the time comes.
Elizabeth - I could do better than that. I could run the country better than you.
Henry - No you couldn't. And you won't. Edward is my heir. And you're a woman.
Elizabeth - I noticed.
Henry - So get back in your place. Clean yourself up, put on a dress, and get down to dinner. And do it now.
Elizabeth - Sure.
Henry - And don't let me hear any more talk about running the country. Your brother will run the country.
Elizabeth - I won't let you hear any more of it.
Henry - I mean stop thinking about it. I want to see the end of that idea.
Elizabeth - You can't. I can't rule the country until after you're dead.
Henry - I could marry you off tomorrow if I wanted to.
Elizabeth - There's no prince of age.
Henry - I could find somebody.
Elizabeth - Are you really going to waste such a good diplomatic opportunity? What kind of King are you?
Henry - Your king, that's what kind. And you will do as I say, now and after I've gone.
Elizabeth - Certainly.
Henry - Don't say that to me like that. I-(pause)
Elizabeth - I'll be ready for dinner in a few minutes, father. Why don't you go downstairs. It wouldn't do to keep the French King waiting.
(pause)
(He exits)
Tell me what you think.