Fragile: Handle With Care - Part 8
trigger warning for depression
It was the flashing crosswalk sign ahead of them that did it. She blinked, eyes widening with the rising swell of panic, as her feet shuffled closer to the ground with every step, keeping her from moving forward too quickly. Her shoulders tensed as she heard the evening traffic roar louder, and with every passing moment, her heartbeat quickened its pace.
She felt herself breaking apart, like an old car, its pieces rusted through and detaching, falling one by one onto the gravel road, useless and deserted as the car continued unsteadily onward, apprehensive of its fate. Sucking in a desperate breath, she stiffly turned to look behind her, half expecting to see the cold concrete sidewalk littered with broken parts. She faced forward again and scrunched her eyes shut to clear the image from her mind.
“Could we…” she heard herself say, and realized immediately that she had to speak louder to be heard over the hum of traffic. She cleared her throat and tried again. “Can we just…” she begged once more, only to trail off mid-sentence as Emma slowed and turned to face her. She took a breath and cleared her throat once more, even as it tightened with the pressure. “Can we just…sit, somewhere, for a minute?” she pleaded, hoping to have masked the desperation in her voice. She pulled on Emma’s arm to get her to stop walking, as though maybe if they held very still, she’d be able to just think.
“Sure,” Emma replied, turning them away from the upcoming intersection and down to a quieter part of the street. They took a seat on one of the benches, and with the street lamps spotlighting the sidewalk, it almost felt like they were tucked away from everything.
She looked down at their hands, still entwined between them, and worked on breathing in and out for a minute, before she could say something that would ruin everything. She knew what had caused the anxious flurry of emotion to surge through her veins. Had they kept going, they would have eventually ended up in the real world, the same one that she’d been struggling with for so long.
Her stomach flipped from the mere thought of it.
Their long list of errands was complete, and the day was coming to a close, and she was running out of places to hide out.
As the first minutes passed, and her body held still, the bitter cold began to seep through her coat. The wind was bordering on bitter, gathering confidence ever since the sun had set, much like it had the night before. She sighed, and watched her breath leave in the form of white fog that dissipated a moment later.
Her throat dried as she tried to find words to explain herself. What if she wouldn’t manage to be better tomorrow? What if she would only fall apart again, and stayed broken forever? She didn’t want to think about it, any of it. She just wanted a few minutes to catch up.
She looked over when Emma tugged on her fingers, and tried to smile through the bubbling anxiety as she was wordlessly invited to wrap her arm around Emma’s and lean into the warmth at her side. She felt instantly more grounded, safer, anchored like she was to the moment.
“I don’t feel like letting you go yet,” Emma said leisurely after a minute. “Where would you like to go?” she asked, and Jenny had no idea what to answer. “Because my parents invited us over for dinner, and by invited, I mean they’ve decided that we’ll be there,” she paused just long enough to see Jenny’s lips quirk up in an involuntary smile, “but we don’t have to. I’m good with anywhere.”
Jenny worked on a reply as she watched people go in and out of the theatre across the street. She tried to ignore the unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach at the thought of falling back into reality.
“Of course,” Emma continued after a moment, “if we are staying here on this fine bench, we’re going to need to figure out a better heat source, because your hands are like ice.”
She watched Emma cover her hands and try to warm them. She didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was no use. Instead, she leaned her head on Emma’s shoulder, so that her forehead came to rest against the curve of Emma’s jaw. “Today was nice,” she heard herself say, and it took another moment to realize that she’d spoken it out loud. “Really nice,” she added, feeling the ground attempt to settle again beneath her feet.
She felt Emma shift before a kiss was left at her hairline, another on her brow, followed by third on the bridge of her nose. She lifted her head from Emma’s shoulder, wrapped her hand around the locket hanging from her neck, and took in air to speak the words she’d been circling around all day.
“How did you know?” she asked in a small voice, and curled her shoulders in a little, unsure if she was ready for an answer, but tired of hearing the question echo hollowly in her mind.
“Know what?” Emma replied softly, and the unhurried tone of her voice attempted to calm Jenny’s racing heart.
With her tongue lying heavily in her mouth, she shrugged. She lowered her gaze and repositioned herself to face Emma a little more. “That I was worth it,” she spoke quietly to their entwined hands, unsure if it was a question or a statement she was making. “Back then?” she continued, braving a look at Emma’s face. “With, with your parents, and m-my…parents, and at school, and just…” she trailed off before shrugging again, each rise of her shoulders making her feel more helpless. “We barely knew each other then.” And really, when she thought about it, Emma had risked so much for her, had stood up to both sets of their parents, and fought for her even when she’d allowed herself to doubt everything she knew about herself, and about the two of them. She’d been ready, submissively, and without much thought, to give up on the way that Emma made her feel; on that happiness and joy that had risen from places inside herself that she couldn’t remember existing prior to meeting that fantastic person. With Emma, she felt an almost overwhelming sense of release from the many ties holding her down.
Emma was quiet as she took in her words, and all of the unspoken thoughts that came with them, and Jenny couldn’t stop her hands from fidgeting in her lap. “You became a part of me,” she answered after a pause. “I know that sounds mushy or whatever, and maybe it is, but that’s what it feels like,” she continued with a joyful little smile. “You belonged next to me to complete my day, that part was clear. When I finally stopped complicating it, it all seemed so simple.”
Jenny pursed her lips together to stop them from quivering. She wouldn’t cry again, not now.
“You felt right,” Emma continued in the most honest tone, making it ever harder for Jenny to ignore. “And this…” she accentuated with a pinch to Jenny’s hip, which brought Jenny closer for a brief moment, so their breaths mixed together. “This felt right, and I knew that I didn’t want to lose you. The how much part took a little longer to understand,” she finished with a soft smile, and all Jenny could see was the look in Emma’s eyes in all of those moments in their past when Emma had helped her through. They were a rich, woodsy green now, catching the yellow streetlamp light above them. God, Jenny thought as her heart rose to her throat, you’re so, so beautiful.
She watched as Emma covered her shaky, icy hands with her own again. Her shoulders curled inward as she lowered her head bashfully, letting Emma’s words echo in her mind.
“Okay?” Emma asked, ducking her head a little to catch Jenny’s gaze.
She nodded, and exhaled the cold air from her lungs. “Yeah,” she replied in a breath, and looked at Emma with her eyes glossed with tears. “Okay.”
I’m sorry, she wanted to add, though she knew that those words wouldn’t begin to repair all of the damage she’d done. Working on the courage to speak them out loud, she listened to her breaths, thankful for the cold air that still seemed to make it easier for her to breathe.
She felt like crying.
She replayed Emma’s answer again as she tried to compose herself, and when the tightness in her throat eased somewhat, the words began to rise out of her. “I-“
The rest of the sentence stilled on her tongue when Emma’s mobile rang. She’d spoken so softly that she wasn’t even sure Emma had heard her. When Emma managed to fish the ringing phone out of her bag, she seemed hesitant to accept the call. Her gaze bounced up from the screen of her phone to Jenny’s timid eyes as she answered. “Hello? Hi, Papa. Yeah, we’re doing fine. Yes, we’re outside. It’s not that cold. …Icicles are not forming on the tips of our noses. Yes, we’re staying warm,” she said with a roll of her eyes as a smile pulled across her lips when she covered Jenny’s clasped hands. “I promise!” she insisted, as her eyes widened along with her smile, before she huffed, just for show, and moved the phone away from her ear. “My father would like proof of life, to make sure that I didn’t sell you for firewood, or otherwise let you freeze to death out here,” she said to Jenny in a playfully childish voice. “He doesn’t seem to believe me.”
Emma’s smile calmed her. Her whole presence calmed her. It made her want to work that much harder to come back out of that fog in her head, and the sadness in her heart. She looked at the extended mobile before meeting Emma’s eyes again, and shook her head as she smiled. Those two, she thought to herself as she took the phone. “Hi Alexei,” she said quietly, and her voice sounded a little foreign, and a little forced to her.
“Jenny, my dear!” his voice traveled through the electronic device, coming through loudly over the dinner preparations in the background. “We’re going down the list, checking in with all the kiddos to make sure you’re all doing alright. Are you hanging in there with this bone-chilling weather?”
Her throat constricted, and tears stung behind her eyes. He sounded mirthful, and his words were caring and parental. She didn’t know if to pull away from this family before it was too late, or run toward them with all of her might. “I am,” she confirmed simply. “Emma’s taking excellent care of me.” As she added that last part, and saw Emma roll her shoulders back smugly and sit up taller, all to keep from yelling I told you so! into the phone.
“That’s wonderful news. Are you two headed home? Dinner will be ready in just a little bit, and Tim’s already got his eye on my half of the casserole.”
Her expression fell. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt the smile and the spark in her eyes slip from her features before she could reply.
Emma reached over and took the phone from her. “Papa, we’re, uhm,” she said tentatively, meeting Jenny’s gaze with an apology in her eyes.
As Emma’s hand warmed her own, she looked down at her lap, and then down the street, in the direction of that intersection that they’d headed to before, and all she heard were Emma’s earlier words. And I knew that I didn’t want to lose you.
“Yeah, I know. Papa, I’ll get back to you on…” Emma trailed off when Jenny met her gaze again and nodded. She covered the mouthpiece with her hand, and gave her a careful look. “Are you sure?” she whispered to Jenny. “We don’t have to go, I really don’t mind. Besides, Tim helped make dinner tonight, so I’m not sure it’s even edible.”
But she did want to go. Or at least, she thought she might. She loved Emma’s family, and she’d declined too many invitations from them in the past few weeks. She missed them.
Emma rolled her eyes for show, and offered, “I promise that I won’t sell you for firewood,” to see her smile again.
And it worked. Emma was good. “We should go,” she still replied.
“You’re sure?”
Jenny smiled to herself and looked back toward that intersection as she listened to Emma wrap up the call. Alexei offered to pick them up, but Emma insisted that they’d take the bus. Jenny didn’t mind either way. She looked down at her lap then, at the clothes that she was wearing, not that dinner at Emma’s house had a dress-code, but she still felt a little uneasy in her own skin as of late. She picked at a loose thread of her jeans when Emma slipped the phone back into her bag.
“You look beautiful,” Emma assured her. It was all Jenny could do to smile doubtfully back in her direction, but she appreciated the sentiment.
She watched as Emma pulled their entwined hands onto her lap, claiming her and keeping her close. She knew that they had to get going.
“We can take our time,” Emma said then, as if on cue. A lopsided smile pulled across Jenny’s lips, since they’d both been told that dinner was nearly ready, but it was sweet the way Emma tried not to rush her. She slid her fingers back between Emma’s and stood up, feeling the muscles in her legs groan tiredly in protest.
When Emma was up and falling into step beside her, she took a readying breath and turned back in the direction of the intersection they needed. Don’t mess up again, she told herself, as her shoulders rose to retain heat. In response, goose bumps raced across her skin from her overwhelming self-doubt.
“Are you cold?” Emma asked as the bitter wind picked up around them.
She nodded, and let Emma tug her closer, and kiss her hand, and it helped as she worked on breathing in and out again while her heart picked up speed with every step she took.
She hadn’t understood exactly why Emma had insisted that they take the bus back, until they took their seats in the mostly deserted area in the back. Among the tired commuters nose-deep in their newspapers or mobiles, catching up on the day’s events, the bus was quiet, providing a hum just loud enough to filter out other conversations, yet quiet enough to not be intrusive.
Emma leaned over and placed a kiss on her cheek as the bus groaned under the collective weight and took its first turn toward home, and as it did, Jenny went back to studying their hands together. Moments from the day rose in her mind, of the adventure Emma had taken her on, and she found herself glad for the time she had now, to slowly make the transition from one place, and one mindset, to another. She was grateful for that quiet with Emma, the same quiet that had been there at the start of their day, on a similar bus, with a similar hum. She was grateful that Emma had stuck around, through every impossible moment she’d found herself caught in, that they could both sit there now, riding in a quiet bus with their hands clasped in her lap.
Tears sprung somewhat suddenly to her eyes, ever the reminder that her emotions were so very raw and exposed as of late. Emma’s thumb stroked the back of her hand, and Jenny willed herself to keep from crying. She wet her dry lips and attempted to blink the tears away, before turning to face Emma with one simple, quiet command on her lips: “Come here.”
Emma leaned closer, with concern filling her features, and those light, honey-colored eyes widened in surprise when Jenny kissed her soundly on the lips.
The bus jolted them apart after a moment, and the paper wrapping of the flower bouquet Jenny had bought in the small shop near the theatre crinkled in her lap, threatening to fall to the aisle. She moved the bouquet back onto her lap safely and looked back in time to catch the momentary dumbfounded expression on Emma’s face. She pursed her lips to keep from laughing, because after the last twenty-four hours, the fact that she could still cause that look of elation to beam from Emma’s features made her heart soar.
The bouquet of flowers crinkled in even rhythm with her steps as they made their way from the bus stop. Her cheeks stung a bit from the cold wind, but she hardly noticed it. She busied herself instead in hushing the hurricane of emotion that she’d been carrying with her for far too long.
Her stomach churned when they rounded the corner and crossed the street. As they walked up from the sidewalk, her feet slowed to a stop in front of the house, in much the same place she’d stood at the night before. She gazed up at the house, and hesitated uneasily.
The air in her lungs was cold and thin, and she knew that she couldn’t continue to ignore that despised sadness that curled around her every bone. So much had changed since she’d stood there last, and yet, in that moment, it all felt too similar. She wrapped her arms closer to her body as a wave of cold washed through it, and her head swam dizzily with thought.
“Ready?” Emma asked after a few moments of watching their breaths form puffs of white fog.
Jenny swallowed thickly, and bit her lower lip hard when it thought about trembling from the unsettling feeling of the ground beneath her feet breaking apart. The flowers crinkled at her side from her nervous grip. No, she realized, but honesty seemed irrelevant as the front door stared back at her. “Yeah,” she answered instead, in a hoarse, quiet voice, and blocked out any thought and feeling that said otherwise. She was so tired of the chaos in her head, of never feeling certain that she was doing, or saying, or thinking the right thing. No, she decided that she had to ignore it all until it went away. She owed Emma a nice, simple evening with her family, and she was determined to show her that she could be strong enough.
Please, she begged, though she wasn’t sure who she was directing it to, as Emma fished her keys out of her bag.
Please don’t let me mess this up again.
to be continued…
It was the flashing crosswalk sign ahead of them that did it. She blinked, eyes widening with the rising swell of panic, as her feet shuffled closer to the ground with every step, keeping her from moving forward too quickly. Her shoulders tensed as she heard the evening traffic roar louder, and with every passing moment, her heartbeat quickened its pace.
She felt herself breaking apart, like an old car, its pieces rusted through and detaching, falling one by one onto the gravel road, useless and deserted as the car continued unsteadily onward, apprehensive of its fate. Sucking in a desperate breath, she stiffly turned to look behind her, half expecting to see the cold concrete sidewalk littered with broken parts. She faced forward again and scrunched her eyes shut to clear the image from her mind.
“Could we…” she heard herself say, and realized immediately that she had to speak louder to be heard over the hum of traffic. She cleared her throat and tried again. “Can we just…” she begged once more, only to trail off mid-sentence as Emma slowed and turned to face her. She took a breath and cleared her throat once more, even as it tightened with the pressure. “Can we just…sit, somewhere, for a minute?” she pleaded, hoping to have masked the desperation in her voice. She pulled on Emma’s arm to get her to stop walking, as though maybe if they held very still, she’d be able to just think.
“Sure,” Emma replied, turning them away from the upcoming intersection and down to a quieter part of the street. They took a seat on one of the benches, and with the street lamps spotlighting the sidewalk, it almost felt like they were tucked away from everything.
She looked down at their hands, still entwined between them, and worked on breathing in and out for a minute, before she could say something that would ruin everything. She knew what had caused the anxious flurry of emotion to surge through her veins. Had they kept going, they would have eventually ended up in the real world, the same one that she’d been struggling with for so long.
Her stomach flipped from the mere thought of it.
Their long list of errands was complete, and the day was coming to a close, and she was running out of places to hide out.
As the first minutes passed, and her body held still, the bitter cold began to seep through her coat. The wind was bordering on bitter, gathering confidence ever since the sun had set, much like it had the night before. She sighed, and watched her breath leave in the form of white fog that dissipated a moment later.
Her throat dried as she tried to find words to explain herself. What if she wouldn’t manage to be better tomorrow? What if she would only fall apart again, and stayed broken forever? She didn’t want to think about it, any of it. She just wanted a few minutes to catch up.
She looked over when Emma tugged on her fingers, and tried to smile through the bubbling anxiety as she was wordlessly invited to wrap her arm around Emma’s and lean into the warmth at her side. She felt instantly more grounded, safer, anchored like she was to the moment.
“I don’t feel like letting you go yet,” Emma said leisurely after a minute. “Where would you like to go?” she asked, and Jenny had no idea what to answer. “Because my parents invited us over for dinner, and by invited, I mean they’ve decided that we’ll be there,” she paused just long enough to see Jenny’s lips quirk up in an involuntary smile, “but we don’t have to. I’m good with anywhere.”
Jenny worked on a reply as she watched people go in and out of the theatre across the street. She tried to ignore the unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach at the thought of falling back into reality.
“Of course,” Emma continued after a moment, “if we are staying here on this fine bench, we’re going to need to figure out a better heat source, because your hands are like ice.”
She watched Emma cover her hands and try to warm them. She didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was no use. Instead, she leaned her head on Emma’s shoulder, so that her forehead came to rest against the curve of Emma’s jaw. “Today was nice,” she heard herself say, and it took another moment to realize that she’d spoken it out loud. “Really nice,” she added, feeling the ground attempt to settle again beneath her feet.
She felt Emma shift before a kiss was left at her hairline, another on her brow, followed by third on the bridge of her nose. She lifted her head from Emma’s shoulder, wrapped her hand around the locket hanging from her neck, and took in air to speak the words she’d been circling around all day.
“How did you know?” she asked in a small voice, and curled her shoulders in a little, unsure if she was ready for an answer, but tired of hearing the question echo hollowly in her mind.
“Know what?” Emma replied softly, and the unhurried tone of her voice attempted to calm Jenny’s racing heart.
With her tongue lying heavily in her mouth, she shrugged. She lowered her gaze and repositioned herself to face Emma a little more. “That I was worth it,” she spoke quietly to their entwined hands, unsure if it was a question or a statement she was making. “Back then?” she continued, braving a look at Emma’s face. “With, with your parents, and m-my…parents, and at school, and just…” she trailed off before shrugging again, each rise of her shoulders making her feel more helpless. “We barely knew each other then.” And really, when she thought about it, Emma had risked so much for her, had stood up to both sets of their parents, and fought for her even when she’d allowed herself to doubt everything she knew about herself, and about the two of them. She’d been ready, submissively, and without much thought, to give up on the way that Emma made her feel; on that happiness and joy that had risen from places inside herself that she couldn’t remember existing prior to meeting that fantastic person. With Emma, she felt an almost overwhelming sense of release from the many ties holding her down.
Emma was quiet as she took in her words, and all of the unspoken thoughts that came with them, and Jenny couldn’t stop her hands from fidgeting in her lap. “You became a part of me,” she answered after a pause. “I know that sounds mushy or whatever, and maybe it is, but that’s what it feels like,” she continued with a joyful little smile. “You belonged next to me to complete my day, that part was clear. When I finally stopped complicating it, it all seemed so simple.”
Jenny pursed her lips together to stop them from quivering. She wouldn’t cry again, not now.
“You felt right,” Emma continued in the most honest tone, making it ever harder for Jenny to ignore. “And this…” she accentuated with a pinch to Jenny’s hip, which brought Jenny closer for a brief moment, so their breaths mixed together. “This felt right, and I knew that I didn’t want to lose you. The how much part took a little longer to understand,” she finished with a soft smile, and all Jenny could see was the look in Emma’s eyes in all of those moments in their past when Emma had helped her through. They were a rich, woodsy green now, catching the yellow streetlamp light above them. God, Jenny thought as her heart rose to her throat, you’re so, so beautiful.
She watched as Emma covered her shaky, icy hands with her own again. Her shoulders curled inward as she lowered her head bashfully, letting Emma’s words echo in her mind.
“Okay?” Emma asked, ducking her head a little to catch Jenny’s gaze.
She nodded, and exhaled the cold air from her lungs. “Yeah,” she replied in a breath, and looked at Emma with her eyes glossed with tears. “Okay.”
I’m sorry, she wanted to add, though she knew that those words wouldn’t begin to repair all of the damage she’d done. Working on the courage to speak them out loud, she listened to her breaths, thankful for the cold air that still seemed to make it easier for her to breathe.
She felt like crying.
She replayed Emma’s answer again as she tried to compose herself, and when the tightness in her throat eased somewhat, the words began to rise out of her. “I-“
The rest of the sentence stilled on her tongue when Emma’s mobile rang. She’d spoken so softly that she wasn’t even sure Emma had heard her. When Emma managed to fish the ringing phone out of her bag, she seemed hesitant to accept the call. Her gaze bounced up from the screen of her phone to Jenny’s timid eyes as she answered. “Hello? Hi, Papa. Yeah, we’re doing fine. Yes, we’re outside. It’s not that cold. …Icicles are not forming on the tips of our noses. Yes, we’re staying warm,” she said with a roll of her eyes as a smile pulled across her lips when she covered Jenny’s clasped hands. “I promise!” she insisted, as her eyes widened along with her smile, before she huffed, just for show, and moved the phone away from her ear. “My father would like proof of life, to make sure that I didn’t sell you for firewood, or otherwise let you freeze to death out here,” she said to Jenny in a playfully childish voice. “He doesn’t seem to believe me.”
Emma’s smile calmed her. Her whole presence calmed her. It made her want to work that much harder to come back out of that fog in her head, and the sadness in her heart. She looked at the extended mobile before meeting Emma’s eyes again, and shook her head as she smiled. Those two, she thought to herself as she took the phone. “Hi Alexei,” she said quietly, and her voice sounded a little foreign, and a little forced to her.
“Jenny, my dear!” his voice traveled through the electronic device, coming through loudly over the dinner preparations in the background. “We’re going down the list, checking in with all the kiddos to make sure you’re all doing alright. Are you hanging in there with this bone-chilling weather?”
Her throat constricted, and tears stung behind her eyes. He sounded mirthful, and his words were caring and parental. She didn’t know if to pull away from this family before it was too late, or run toward them with all of her might. “I am,” she confirmed simply. “Emma’s taking excellent care of me.” As she added that last part, and saw Emma roll her shoulders back smugly and sit up taller, all to keep from yelling I told you so! into the phone.
“That’s wonderful news. Are you two headed home? Dinner will be ready in just a little bit, and Tim’s already got his eye on my half of the casserole.”
Her expression fell. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt the smile and the spark in her eyes slip from her features before she could reply.
Emma reached over and took the phone from her. “Papa, we’re, uhm,” she said tentatively, meeting Jenny’s gaze with an apology in her eyes.
As Emma’s hand warmed her own, she looked down at her lap, and then down the street, in the direction of that intersection that they’d headed to before, and all she heard were Emma’s earlier words. And I knew that I didn’t want to lose you.
“Yeah, I know. Papa, I’ll get back to you on…” Emma trailed off when Jenny met her gaze again and nodded. She covered the mouthpiece with her hand, and gave her a careful look. “Are you sure?” she whispered to Jenny. “We don’t have to go, I really don’t mind. Besides, Tim helped make dinner tonight, so I’m not sure it’s even edible.”
But she did want to go. Or at least, she thought she might. She loved Emma’s family, and she’d declined too many invitations from them in the past few weeks. She missed them.
Emma rolled her eyes for show, and offered, “I promise that I won’t sell you for firewood,” to see her smile again.
And it worked. Emma was good. “We should go,” she still replied.
“You’re sure?”
Jenny smiled to herself and looked back toward that intersection as she listened to Emma wrap up the call. Alexei offered to pick them up, but Emma insisted that they’d take the bus. Jenny didn’t mind either way. She looked down at her lap then, at the clothes that she was wearing, not that dinner at Emma’s house had a dress-code, but she still felt a little uneasy in her own skin as of late. She picked at a loose thread of her jeans when Emma slipped the phone back into her bag.
“You look beautiful,” Emma assured her. It was all Jenny could do to smile doubtfully back in her direction, but she appreciated the sentiment.
She watched as Emma pulled their entwined hands onto her lap, claiming her and keeping her close. She knew that they had to get going.
“We can take our time,” Emma said then, as if on cue. A lopsided smile pulled across Jenny’s lips, since they’d both been told that dinner was nearly ready, but it was sweet the way Emma tried not to rush her. She slid her fingers back between Emma’s and stood up, feeling the muscles in her legs groan tiredly in protest.
When Emma was up and falling into step beside her, she took a readying breath and turned back in the direction of the intersection they needed. Don’t mess up again, she told herself, as her shoulders rose to retain heat. In response, goose bumps raced across her skin from her overwhelming self-doubt.
“Are you cold?” Emma asked as the bitter wind picked up around them.
She nodded, and let Emma tug her closer, and kiss her hand, and it helped as she worked on breathing in and out again while her heart picked up speed with every step she took.
She hadn’t understood exactly why Emma had insisted that they take the bus back, until they took their seats in the mostly deserted area in the back. Among the tired commuters nose-deep in their newspapers or mobiles, catching up on the day’s events, the bus was quiet, providing a hum just loud enough to filter out other conversations, yet quiet enough to not be intrusive.
Emma leaned over and placed a kiss on her cheek as the bus groaned under the collective weight and took its first turn toward home, and as it did, Jenny went back to studying their hands together. Moments from the day rose in her mind, of the adventure Emma had taken her on, and she found herself glad for the time she had now, to slowly make the transition from one place, and one mindset, to another. She was grateful for that quiet with Emma, the same quiet that had been there at the start of their day, on a similar bus, with a similar hum. She was grateful that Emma had stuck around, through every impossible moment she’d found herself caught in, that they could both sit there now, riding in a quiet bus with their hands clasped in her lap.
Tears sprung somewhat suddenly to her eyes, ever the reminder that her emotions were so very raw and exposed as of late. Emma’s thumb stroked the back of her hand, and Jenny willed herself to keep from crying. She wet her dry lips and attempted to blink the tears away, before turning to face Emma with one simple, quiet command on her lips: “Come here.”
Emma leaned closer, with concern filling her features, and those light, honey-colored eyes widened in surprise when Jenny kissed her soundly on the lips.
The bus jolted them apart after a moment, and the paper wrapping of the flower bouquet Jenny had bought in the small shop near the theatre crinkled in her lap, threatening to fall to the aisle. She moved the bouquet back onto her lap safely and looked back in time to catch the momentary dumbfounded expression on Emma’s face. She pursed her lips to keep from laughing, because after the last twenty-four hours, the fact that she could still cause that look of elation to beam from Emma’s features made her heart soar.
The bouquet of flowers crinkled in even rhythm with her steps as they made their way from the bus stop. Her cheeks stung a bit from the cold wind, but she hardly noticed it. She busied herself instead in hushing the hurricane of emotion that she’d been carrying with her for far too long.
Her stomach churned when they rounded the corner and crossed the street. As they walked up from the sidewalk, her feet slowed to a stop in front of the house, in much the same place she’d stood at the night before. She gazed up at the house, and hesitated uneasily.
The air in her lungs was cold and thin, and she knew that she couldn’t continue to ignore that despised sadness that curled around her every bone. So much had changed since she’d stood there last, and yet, in that moment, it all felt too similar. She wrapped her arms closer to her body as a wave of cold washed through it, and her head swam dizzily with thought.
“Ready?” Emma asked after a few moments of watching their breaths form puffs of white fog.
Jenny swallowed thickly, and bit her lower lip hard when it thought about trembling from the unsettling feeling of the ground beneath her feet breaking apart. The flowers crinkled at her side from her nervous grip. No, she realized, but honesty seemed irrelevant as the front door stared back at her. “Yeah,” she answered instead, in a hoarse, quiet voice, and blocked out any thought and feeling that said otherwise. She was so tired of the chaos in her head, of never feeling certain that she was doing, or saying, or thinking the right thing. No, she decided that she had to ignore it all until it went away. She owed Emma a nice, simple evening with her family, and she was determined to show her that she could be strong enough.
Please, she begged, though she wasn’t sure who she was directing it to, as Emma fished her keys out of her bag.
Please don’t let me mess this up again.
to be continued…