those dreams of ours that never got used
Title: Those dreams of ours that never got used
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han
Word Count: 1000
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: in which sehun tries to hold on the best he can as lu han forgets everything
those dreams of ours that never got used
in which Sehun tries to hold on the best he can as Lu Han forgets everything
These grains of sands are just like our hope, they are small and they are rough. To me, you’ve always been stuck behind a glass of time and life and I’ve always been on the other side, trying to break in and trying to catch up.
I’ve held you captive in this hourglass and I don’t know how much longer I can keep you in before you break free and those wings on your back, they won’t carry you far for I’ve always been those wings and I’ve never needed to use them because I’ve held you captive, in time and in space.
Sometimes I place my palm against your chest, calloused fingers, roughed-over from life trace where your heart is. when I feel like I need some substance, something to hold onto that you are here and forevermore, I lay my head against your chest and I listen to your beautiful heart beat and your heart sings to me Lu han, it serenades me with such a dulcet melody.
In many distant reflections of darkened afternoons, we are more than one and many times have I have sworn that we are a circle, a circle of endless deep sea dreams and possibilities.
On the darkest days, I catch you staring out the window. Carefully you watch the rain hit the window panes and it looks as if you try to count each individual drop of wetness. Pieces of you are scattered outside and as the earth becomes soaked, so do you. You become drenched in me.
The way you say my name is just above a hushed whisper. Sehun and the way that you say it, I know that it is your favorite thing to say. You haven’t forgotten my name yet but that is all that matters to me as I sweep you away from the doubt that eats away at your heart and the lies that plant beginnings in your mind.
Slowly, our lips meet into a soft kiss. It feels more like a bittersweet adieu than a welcoming hello. Your fingers find my hair and they tangle up into strands, never wanting to part. As you knead my scalp, a soft purr escapes my mouth and I know you can feel it in your mouth. Your taste is always on the tip of my tongue even if you forget what I taste like, just as you’ve forgotten what I look like.
You don’t cry out my name like you used to but instead you are selfish and greedy, whimpering it and trying to savor it in your throat. You know that it won’t be long either so you hold on to it the best that you can, trying to not fall off of the cliff with me. As we descend into the familiar land of what we like to call nirvana, your skin against mine is embedded deeply and rooted down into the depths of my heart, body, mind and soul.
Your body will be all that I’ll ever know and I, too, hope that my name will be all that you ever remember.
Things aren’t the way that they should be. You should be able to touch me without a hint of hesitancy and worry. You should be able to remember the words of love as we made it and spoke up. But there is only so much that you do remember before you eventually floating away, along with your precious thoughts.
It hasn’t been more than a week but when I come back to you, as I always do, you do not have anything to say this time. You don’t even give a soft murmur of a hello and not even a gently smile with a fragile wave. And it is the look that is in your eyes and I know. When I love you that night, you seem to be in a world of struggle. It is on the tip of your tongue, and as we move together in a slow rhythm, you quiver with something else other than anticipation.
Perhaps it is the guilt that I see as I place kisses along the column of your neck or how scared you are as my fingers press into your lips. It isn’t a fear of me but of what you cannot do and what will come afterwards. I’ve always known you to be ten steps ahead while I was always trying to catch you, to embrace you in familiarity.
The thought of being too late to arrive and catch you when you had fallen never crossed my mind until because then. It was possibly better left unsaid, left unheard. But you, Lu Han, you said it anyways.
I watch you silently, tracing your back with my thin fingers. You sit up on the edge of the bed staring into nothing but the empty spaces of this room you call yours. I know those tears are falling down your face as your back is turned to me by the way you shiver; by the way you seem so off. You don’t speak for a moment and honestly, I don’t want you to.
“I can’t remember your name.” You whisper, hoping that I won’t hear you but I do, I catch it just like I have caught everything else.
We are rough and small like the grains of sand known as our hope. To me, you’ve always been stuck behind that glass and I’ve tried to keep you safe but I’d never thought about how I’d lose myself in the process. How while you drowned in me, I drowned in you.
While you’ve forgotten everything, I still remember everything.
In this distant reflection of a darkened afternoon, we have met the wall of all our deep sea dreams and endless possibilities.
Lu Han, you were always the end.
a/n: this was inspired by my grandmother. her and i do not have the best relationship and right now she is very ill. i finally went to see her because i knew i had to and i felt selfish. when i went to see her, she couldn't remember me at all. not my face nor my name. it was like a wake up call. also, this is a different style of writing that i previously used in this.