longest entry of life
Wow, so much to say. I was thinking about it this morning, and this weekend has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotion! Friday, I was first excited, then a bit sad, then absolutely shocked, then had a mixture of sad/angry/confused/dejected/dumb/numb, Saturday, a little okay, then was really, really sad, then was relieved/comforted/consoled, then was happy/excited/better and for all of Sunday and today have remained that way except for a touch of frustration last night.
So yes, overall and in retrospect, the seniors farewell retreat (which obviously cannot be only called that because there were certain other things that were celebrated!!!) was bittersweet and emotional and a lovely celebration of a time. Yet it also did feel a bit incomplete and I'm not really sure why... but it's okay. I think maybe it was incomplete because our relationships really are never going to be completely over or anything. It's just a stepping stone into the future and we're all still going tbe tied together until who knows when/forever.
And now, my entire blurb about the proposal and the sheer beauty of it that I still have yet to completely grasp because I still cannot believe that SUZY AND JOHN ARE GETTING MARRIED, but it's simply amazing.
Suzy claims that if we had asked her (during any of the past 9 months...) she would have told us, but I question that, haha. Because I had told her once during like.. the beginning of 06 that my family and I were driving down Park St and I saw a man standing outside and for some reason I thought that he and Suzy would look good together so I told her but all she said was, “Oh, that's interesting,” or something but nothing along the lines of, “Oh by the way, John and I are dating.” So ha! The perfect opportunity was DODGED.
I’m just imagining it all over again and especially the part when she said “Of course!” and they hugged it brings a smile to my face.
I find it necessary to verbalize how it happened & how I captured it somehow very minimally but still very importantly on my camera, haha:
We were singing Shine Jesus Shine. That song shall never have the same meaning ever again. From now on, it shall be the Suzy-John song. So we sang the 2nd verse:
Lord, I come to your awesome presence
From the shadows into your radiance
By the blood I may enter your brightness
Search me, try me, consume all my darkness
Shine on me, shine on me
And then we go into the chorus and all of a sudden, John stops playing the guitar. And we’re like, “Cool, awesome, a capella!”
Shine, Jesus, shine
Fill this land with the Father's glory
Blaze, Spirit, blaze
Set our hearts on fire
Flow, river, flow
Flood the nations with grace and mercy
{And here, I take a picture of Mina doing the flood actions and I look at the picture on my camera and there’s John’s big fat guitar stealing all the spotlight and I’m angry and I’m like ugh, why is Mina blurry and out of focus! Stupid guitar!..}
Send forth your word
Lord, and let there be light
So now, I look up and there’s John kneeling on one knee in front of Suzy. WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?! Suzy’s going “Not now, no, not now” and then there is absolute SILENCE. And Ben tells me that John looks at her in the eyes and probably asks her one more time, and then she says, “Of course, John!” And then I notice the slide on the screen that has a picture on it of the both of them that says on the bottom, “Will you marry me, Suzy?” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Every time I picture that part I have this happy feeling leap inside of me.
That shows so much that John would propose to her in front of us. Wow. Wow. Wow. That is incredible.
It was perhaps one of the most monumental moments I have ever, and will ever, witnessed in my entire life. I sent them like.. at least 5 e-cards on Saturday about congratulations on your engagement. I figured that was enough, haha.
But okay, TODAY! Camerata went and performed at the Reebok Human Rights Award Ceremony which was simply incredible. We did it twice: once at a high school in South Boston and once at the Reebok Headquarters in Canton. I just could not believe that I was in the presence of such awe-inspiring human rights activists who had struggled so much in their own lives to protect those of others. I was a bit peeved though because like.. some people were like "Do we have to stay for the whole thing?" and "When do we get the free food? That's the most important thing, that we get food," and "Are you kidding me? Ughh! We have to sit through that thing AGAIN?!" I told Mr. Driscoll and he was like, "Well, Hei-Yue, they are young and stupid." I think I was a bit hostile towards a few people because of their comments... it just really angers me when people don't care and even act rudely towards humanitarian causes and efforts such as the ones we heard about today.
But it really was just.. amazing. Here's the website if you want to read about all of them: http://www.reebok.com/humanrights
Some of my favorite things that the activists mentioned in their brief speeches:
- Li Dan: something along the lines of, "You cannot be conquered by others if you are not conquered by yourself." Like if you are self-motivated, believe in yourself, and keep on going, you will not be defeated.
- Rachel Lloyd (who I sat next to during lunch, but seemed a bit standoffish.. I'm sure it wasn't because she's a meanie though.. haha): something along the lines of "We live in a culture that glorifies the sexual exploitation of women; a culture in which we are giving an Oscar to "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp." Well, it's hard out here for my girls who are living with the repercussions of a life that is portrayed to be normal for it to turn out in violence or death." (I absolutely just rephrased everything, but that is what she said, just via my translation.. I hope nothing was lost in translation.. ha, ha.)
And Otto Saki and Khurram Parvez were phenomenal too. Otto was so, so eloquent and friendly (because I shook hands with him during lunch, except of course I was awkward and didn't know what to say except, "Wow, I am just so inspired, you are so amazing, thank you so much for everything!") and Khurram just seemed like such a sweet and gentle man who is so passionate about what he does. AH. I can't believe I was in their presence and like.. sat near them and... sang to celebrate their amazingness.
So yes, today was INCREDIBLE! And yes, I am the real Katie Sugg for saying that ;-)
I want to just get one last thing out and this is an extremely long entry anyway so people probably won't read this haha, BUT! okay so in relation to what I said above about me being hostile towards others because of their "stupidity" (although I feel bad saying that because that makes me judgmental.. but I really do feel that they are sorta stupid and absolute bigots even though I am guilty of those labels sometimes as well just like everyone else in the world) on Sunday, when I was walking in downtown crossing with Jenny, we walked past this small group of black guys standing outside the Corner Mall. So first of all, I was already on my guard because as a woman, I get nervous when there are guys just standing there doing nothing except for look and leer at girls.
So I am already avoiding eye contact while I walk by underneath my nice colorful umbrella and then as I walk by, I was almost to the point of relief for not hearing and jeering remarks until instead, I hear "Ching chong chang chee FRIED RICE ching ching" but when he said FRIED RICE I was just impelled to turn around. It was like something, some force, turned me around. But I had no words. And afterwards, I realized that I was just hurt by the words. I was emotionally damaged by them. So all I did was stare at the guy, and fortunately for him, his friend jumped next to him, put his arms on him and said "Please excuse my racist friend," and all I could say was, "Yeah, thank you," and just give him a look and walk away with Jenny. My body felt so tense and heated and I was BRIMMING with anger. Jenny actually was like, "Maybe you should have just walked away," and I told her that I could not have possibly just walked away because I would have regretted it so much afterwards if I just let them get away with that.
On one hand, I was angry because I couldn't believe that someone would just say that. 1) It has no point, 2) I didn't do anything to them, the only thing that it could have been a reaction to was that if they thought I was being racist by being on guard, but that was because they were a bunch of guys standing around doing nothing except stare at people, if they were white or Asian or anything else I would have felt the exact same way, 3) It hurts when someone uses your race as the subject of a joke-- I thought about it and there really is not a whole lot of hatred in fried rice or the apparent sounds of my language (which I don't even fully associate as 'my language' because I speak ENGLISH better than I speak CHINESE.) But the fact that they used those things to stereotype me, to make fun of me, someone they don't even know, to just generalize me as one of many, that I am not an individual and have no personal identity.
I felt other-ized, once again. Did I look like an Asian who can't speak English? What prompted him to say those things to me? And what made me even more angry was the fact that they were black. One of the things I wished I could have said instead of just "thank you" was, "Please look at your own skin color and think about your history. I am learning all about YOUR struggle for equal rights, YOUR life as a slave, YOUR oppression. I have discussions about how to fight racism. I learn how to not stigmatize other people, how to close the achievement gap, how we can dissolve segregation. I am making an effort to understand YOU and to help YOU. And now you want to try to stereotype and hate and make racist remarks at ME?? Think about who you are, and think about who others could be, before you judge and stereotype and HURT!" But I didn't say that because in that moment, I was drenched and filled with hurt and shock and anger.
Then I thought about it afterwards again more, and if in the future I can evolve into someone who isn't so always blinded by her emotions/emotionally driven, the next time (because it's inevitable) someone says something like that to me, I need to try to be really, really, really sickingly nice and sweet to them and say that making racist remarks is not nice and actually really hurts me and go along those lines instead of confrontint it head-on with anger and frustration because then they'll just think that it's rationalized because people are so mean about it or something that is not along the lines of reverse psychology.
And basically I think this actually is the longest LJ entry I have ever written in my entire life. I don't know who could have possibly read the entire thing but hey, these entries are essentially for my own purposes of letting out my thoughts and feelings, as I wrote in that English paper-turned into answer to one of Barnard's supplementary questions.
Hoo-ray.
So yes, overall and in retrospect, the seniors farewell retreat (which obviously cannot be only called that because there were certain other things that were celebrated!!!) was bittersweet and emotional and a lovely celebration of a time. Yet it also did feel a bit incomplete and I'm not really sure why... but it's okay. I think maybe it was incomplete because our relationships really are never going to be completely over or anything. It's just a stepping stone into the future and we're all still going tbe tied together until who knows when/forever.
And now, my entire blurb about the proposal and the sheer beauty of it that I still have yet to completely grasp because I still cannot believe that SUZY AND JOHN ARE GETTING MARRIED, but it's simply amazing.
Suzy claims that if we had asked her (during any of the past 9 months...) she would have told us, but I question that, haha. Because I had told her once during like.. the beginning of 06 that my family and I were driving down Park St and I saw a man standing outside and for some reason I thought that he and Suzy would look good together so I told her but all she said was, “Oh, that's interesting,” or something but nothing along the lines of, “Oh by the way, John and I are dating.” So ha! The perfect opportunity was DODGED.
I’m just imagining it all over again and especially the part when she said “Of course!” and they hugged it brings a smile to my face.
I find it necessary to verbalize how it happened & how I captured it somehow very minimally but still very importantly on my camera, haha:
We were singing Shine Jesus Shine. That song shall never have the same meaning ever again. From now on, it shall be the Suzy-John song. So we sang the 2nd verse:
Lord, I come to your awesome presence
From the shadows into your radiance
By the blood I may enter your brightness
Search me, try me, consume all my darkness
Shine on me, shine on me
And then we go into the chorus and all of a sudden, John stops playing the guitar. And we’re like, “Cool, awesome, a capella!”
Shine, Jesus, shine
Fill this land with the Father's glory
Blaze, Spirit, blaze
Set our hearts on fire
Flow, river, flow
Flood the nations with grace and mercy
{And here, I take a picture of Mina doing the flood actions and I look at the picture on my camera and there’s John’s big fat guitar stealing all the spotlight and I’m angry and I’m like ugh, why is Mina blurry and out of focus! Stupid guitar!..}
Send forth your word
Lord, and let there be light
So now, I look up and there’s John kneeling on one knee in front of Suzy. WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!?! Suzy’s going “Not now, no, not now” and then there is absolute SILENCE. And Ben tells me that John looks at her in the eyes and probably asks her one more time, and then she says, “Of course, John!” And then I notice the slide on the screen that has a picture on it of the both of them that says on the bottom, “Will you marry me, Suzy?” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Every time I picture that part I have this happy feeling leap inside of me.
That shows so much that John would propose to her in front of us. Wow. Wow. Wow. That is incredible.
It was perhaps one of the most monumental moments I have ever, and will ever, witnessed in my entire life. I sent them like.. at least 5 e-cards on Saturday about congratulations on your engagement. I figured that was enough, haha.
But okay, TODAY! Camerata went and performed at the Reebok Human Rights Award Ceremony which was simply incredible. We did it twice: once at a high school in South Boston and once at the Reebok Headquarters in Canton. I just could not believe that I was in the presence of such awe-inspiring human rights activists who had struggled so much in their own lives to protect those of others. I was a bit peeved though because like.. some people were like "Do we have to stay for the whole thing?" and "When do we get the free food? That's the most important thing, that we get food," and "Are you kidding me? Ughh! We have to sit through that thing AGAIN?!" I told Mr. Driscoll and he was like, "Well, Hei-Yue, they are young and stupid." I think I was a bit hostile towards a few people because of their comments... it just really angers me when people don't care and even act rudely towards humanitarian causes and efforts such as the ones we heard about today.
But it really was just.. amazing. Here's the website if you want to read about all of them: http://www.reebok.com/humanrights
Some of my favorite things that the activists mentioned in their brief speeches:
- Li Dan: something along the lines of, "You cannot be conquered by others if you are not conquered by yourself." Like if you are self-motivated, believe in yourself, and keep on going, you will not be defeated.
- Rachel Lloyd (who I sat next to during lunch, but seemed a bit standoffish.. I'm sure it wasn't because she's a meanie though.. haha): something along the lines of "We live in a culture that glorifies the sexual exploitation of women; a culture in which we are giving an Oscar to "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp." Well, it's hard out here for my girls who are living with the repercussions of a life that is portrayed to be normal for it to turn out in violence or death." (I absolutely just rephrased everything, but that is what she said, just via my translation.. I hope nothing was lost in translation.. ha, ha.)
And Otto Saki and Khurram Parvez were phenomenal too. Otto was so, so eloquent and friendly (because I shook hands with him during lunch, except of course I was awkward and didn't know what to say except, "Wow, I am just so inspired, you are so amazing, thank you so much for everything!") and Khurram just seemed like such a sweet and gentle man who is so passionate about what he does. AH. I can't believe I was in their presence and like.. sat near them and... sang to celebrate their amazingness.
So yes, today was INCREDIBLE! And yes, I am the real Katie Sugg for saying that ;-)
I want to just get one last thing out and this is an extremely long entry anyway so people probably won't read this haha, BUT! okay so in relation to what I said above about me being hostile towards others because of their "stupidity" (although I feel bad saying that because that makes me judgmental.. but I really do feel that they are sorta stupid and absolute bigots even though I am guilty of those labels sometimes as well just like everyone else in the world) on Sunday, when I was walking in downtown crossing with Jenny, we walked past this small group of black guys standing outside the Corner Mall. So first of all, I was already on my guard because as a woman, I get nervous when there are guys just standing there doing nothing except for look and leer at girls.
So I am already avoiding eye contact while I walk by underneath my nice colorful umbrella and then as I walk by, I was almost to the point of relief for not hearing and jeering remarks until instead, I hear "Ching chong chang chee FRIED RICE ching ching" but when he said FRIED RICE I was just impelled to turn around. It was like something, some force, turned me around. But I had no words. And afterwards, I realized that I was just hurt by the words. I was emotionally damaged by them. So all I did was stare at the guy, and fortunately for him, his friend jumped next to him, put his arms on him and said "Please excuse my racist friend," and all I could say was, "Yeah, thank you," and just give him a look and walk away with Jenny. My body felt so tense and heated and I was BRIMMING with anger. Jenny actually was like, "Maybe you should have just walked away," and I told her that I could not have possibly just walked away because I would have regretted it so much afterwards if I just let them get away with that.
On one hand, I was angry because I couldn't believe that someone would just say that. 1) It has no point, 2) I didn't do anything to them, the only thing that it could have been a reaction to was that if they thought I was being racist by being on guard, but that was because they were a bunch of guys standing around doing nothing except stare at people, if they were white or Asian or anything else I would have felt the exact same way, 3) It hurts when someone uses your race as the subject of a joke-- I thought about it and there really is not a whole lot of hatred in fried rice or the apparent sounds of my language (which I don't even fully associate as 'my language' because I speak ENGLISH better than I speak CHINESE.) But the fact that they used those things to stereotype me, to make fun of me, someone they don't even know, to just generalize me as one of many, that I am not an individual and have no personal identity.
I felt other-ized, once again. Did I look like an Asian who can't speak English? What prompted him to say those things to me? And what made me even more angry was the fact that they were black. One of the things I wished I could have said instead of just "thank you" was, "Please look at your own skin color and think about your history. I am learning all about YOUR struggle for equal rights, YOUR life as a slave, YOUR oppression. I have discussions about how to fight racism. I learn how to not stigmatize other people, how to close the achievement gap, how we can dissolve segregation. I am making an effort to understand YOU and to help YOU. And now you want to try to stereotype and hate and make racist remarks at ME?? Think about who you are, and think about who others could be, before you judge and stereotype and HURT!" But I didn't say that because in that moment, I was drenched and filled with hurt and shock and anger.
Then I thought about it afterwards again more, and if in the future I can evolve into someone who isn't so always blinded by her emotions/emotionally driven, the next time (because it's inevitable) someone says something like that to me, I need to try to be really, really, really sickingly nice and sweet to them and say that making racist remarks is not nice and actually really hurts me and go along those lines instead of confrontint it head-on with anger and frustration because then they'll just think that it's rationalized because people are so mean about it or something that is not along the lines of reverse psychology.
And basically I think this actually is the longest LJ entry I have ever written in my entire life. I don't know who could have possibly read the entire thing but hey, these entries are essentially for my own purposes of letting out my thoughts and feelings, as I wrote in that English paper-turned into answer to one of Barnard's supplementary questions.
Hoo-ray.