(no subject)
Dear Tony,
I tried calling you tonight to wish you a happy birthday. I worked up the guts to call wanting to put things out of mind for a moment and pretend that you would be happy to hear from me. I feel it was fate your phone line was busy. I know that Amy and I left physically when I was five and she was two, but it was you that left emotionally,
I remeber riding in your truck visting the various different houses we livd in when we were family. Trying to surface pity from my young naiive heart that my mom left you. Never realizing that I was still with you. What happened between you and my mom happened between you and my mom. But even so the abuse bleed through to my molding mind, manipulating my emotions to understand that love and hate were of one element. I struggle everyday trying to recondition myself of this, but its hard when you have no trust in anyone.
How does it feel to help take of Jeff's little girls? To feed them and watch cartoons with them feeling proud that you are a benefactor in their happy childhoods. When your heart beat races when you run to their cries, does it remind you of Amy and I? When they sleep in our old room at night and you tuck them in and give them a kiss do you ever wish you could kiss our foreheads good-night? Or am I being to wishful?
I have so much more to say, but nothing can compensate for the tears I've shed and the painful neglect you have bestowed upon me unconditionally.
And for some reason I don't have the heart to bring a gun to your head to impact your mind the way you have mine. Even though it is much deserved.
So have a happy birthday. A year closer to your final doomed fate.
Love,
Sarah Beth