i'm sorry, oh baby, i'm so sorry
Title: Between the Lines
Pairing: G-Ri
Rating: PG-13
Author: oxygenlove
Warning: Angst. Absolutely.
Summary: Jiyong's girlfriend lives in Japan :)
AN: Supporting articles here and here.
Between the Lines
It's one of those variety shows that make their guests do the strangest of things. Like sending them out of the studio into the streets and have them do random missions to strangers or making them eat exotic looking food if they lose in one of the many obscure Korean children's games.
This time, it's strapping idols to a chair and locking them up in the room next door to the studio and yes, they even threw in a lie-detector machine.
Nothing but the best of their crazy schemes for Big Bang.
Everything was going fine and smoothly actually. Daesung made them all laugh with his answers and the machine detected a 100% lies result. And Taeyang! Taeyang was a racket because he admitted to having kissed a total of three women after his My Girl MV - three! But he's never had a girlfriend before. Oh my my my.
Then it's Seungri's turn and the anticipation for something juicy is high. TOP is ready to look embarrassed and Taeyang is looking at Jiyong who is intently watching Seungri being strapped onto the comfortable chair throught the big LCD screen in front of them.
"I'm sure this'll be epic."
Jiyong laughs and the MCs join in.
The basics first - Lee Seunghyun. December 12, 1990. Big Bang's maknae, Seungri. Do you like singing? Yes. Do you love dancing? A split second of hesitation as Seungri thinks of Taeyang and Shaun Evaristo and his pre-debut group in Gwangju who loves dan- Seungri laughs awkwardly. Yes. Yes, of course, yes.
"When was the last time you cried?"
One. Two.
"He doesn't cry." That's Jiyong.
"He always says he's so strong." That's Taeyang.
"He's too mature for his age." That's Daesung.
"He wants to grow up too fast." That's TOP.
"Last Monday." That's Seungri - wait, what?
One. Two.
There's a hush hush , a what what, an oh oh and the cameras rush to film the other four members' reaction. They're suprised but then -
One. Two.
They laugh because hey, they're idols, right?
But Taeyang looks slightly confused and Jiyong looks like he's trying to remember something - trying to remember last Monday -
"Last Monday? What triggered it?"
Ahahaha - ha?
"Am I supposed to really answer this?"
Seungri looks like he regrets saying anything in the first place. Jiyong still looks like he's deep in thought, trying to remember. Remember. Monday? What was last mon- wait. Wait. Monday. Last Monday he-
"Ah, yes, Seungrisshi. You need to answer. So what did you cry over?"
"Being alone."
- last Monday, Jiyong flew to Japan.
"Ah, how did it feel?"
"Crying?"
Seungri thinks this is too much. Seungri thinks this must be violating some privacy rights somewhere. But the guy in the white lab coat simply nods his head and nobody signals a 'cut'. So Seungri takes a deep breath and smiles his winning maknae-smile.
"Well, I felt stupid after I cried. I mean, I was eating a late lunch on our kitchen table. I look across- I mean, around me and I didn't know I was already crying. So it wasn't anything conscious or whatever you guys call it. I just cried. Nothing big."
"Do you want to cha-"
"It wasn't like there was anything I could do. About being alone, I mean."
Seungri blinks rapidly and laughs awkwardly. He pretends to yawn and rub his eyes. The camera focuses on his face and they miss the moist in his eyes but not the strain in his voice.
"Can we change the question?"
"Absolutely."
Rustling of papers and -
"Who do you think is the best in Big Bang?"
"Ah! This one is easy! Me, of course! Who else?"
One. Two.
The whole studio laughs.
"Aigoo~ Seungri really loves himself, huh?" That's one of the MCs.
"Yeah. He does. He loves himself a lot." That's Jiyong. Always Jiyong.
More laughter and more questions about Seungri's charisma and Seungri's fans and Seungri's noonas - and the crying question is forgotten.
No traces of it left save for the sad faraway smile on Jiyong's face.
--
The guys were all smiles as they bid the crew goodbye. The ride home was going along fine.
"Ah! Cry Baby!"
"Maybe, your next solo should be called Cry Baby!"
"Hyung-"
"What do you think, Jiyong? Are you writing it?"
"Maybe."
Everybody turns to look at Jiyong. Seungri looks out the window.
"Hey, are you okay? Are you sick? You look tired. Maybe all this flying back and forth Ja-"
"Youngbae, I'm okay. I'm just tired. Don't worry about me."
The rest of the ride home is silent.
--
Seungri heads for his room the minute they reach their apartment. But Jiyong is fast and he blocks the door.
"You cried."
"Hyung, I'm tired."
"Seungri, that-"
"-that was for the show. How many times have we lied to make everybody laugh? How many times have we exaggerated things to make it funnier? Hyung, don't read into things too much."
"You cried last Monday."
"Part of why the two of us get along just fine is because we do not discuss things like this. Let's not start breaking the good ties, okay, hyung? So can we not talk about this? I'm really tired and-"
"You don't cry."
Seungri suddenly laughs, the bitter sound echoing through the hallway. Jiyong feels uneasy. Jiyong can't really say much right now. He feels like the helpless one in the conversation.
"Hyung, you may not have noticed but I'm also human, just like you. I cry. Just because you don't see me crying doesn't mean that I don't."
"Seungri, I know. Last Mon-"
"I'm really tired, hyung."
Seungri steps back and turns around, leaves Jiyong.
"Hey- hey! Where are you going?"
"Out."
--
Seungri is on the phone talking to one of his many other friends.
Jiyong admits it hurts as he listens to Seungri's phone call conversation with someone he doesn't want to know who. Jiyong admits it hurts to hear the answers to all the questions he wanted to ask himself but that Seungri didn't give him a chance to ask. Jiyong admits it hurts so damn much that Seungri trusts this no-name guy more than his own leader, that it's always others more than him. Always others more than Kwon Jiyong.
"I know hyung. I'm sorry for calling you like this and troubling you."
A pause as Seungri listens to the other end of the line and Jiyong tries his best to keep quiet behind the door.
"Ah, hyung~ Sorry for being a burden. I know I am."
Then Seungri laughs, a genuine laugh that makes Jiyong's lips smile instinctively, and his heart to ache because - because Seungri doesn't laugh like this with him. Not anymore.
"Thanks hyung, for always looking out for me. Le'ts meet up sometime, yeah? My treat! I know this place-"
Jiyong walks away. He can't bear it anymore. The tears are starting to pile up and he doesn't want to cry over something like this.
--
Jiyong comes home earlier than usual. He finds Seungri eating alone at the kitchen table. He smiles, says 'Hi.', heads to his room to change and when he gets back out Seungri's already done eating, cleaning up.
"There's some food left on the fridge. Heat it up if you're eating, hyung."
Seungri smiles and starts to head to his room.
"I'm taking you next time I go."
Seungri stops in his tracks.
One. Two.
This isn't a variety show where you count seconds and wait for the audience's applause or collective ooohs and aaahs.
This is real life so Seungri laughs laughs laughs.
"Sometimes, I think you hate me, hyung. I think you really do like seeing me suffer."
Jiyong is taken aback. Jiyong is confused and not sure and-
"You're not taking me with you if you still want me sane when we get back. Hyung, there are rules, you know? I'm sure there are laws somewhere that says taking me with you is inhumane."
Jiyong clenches his fists. This isn't what he wants. This is too complicated, too much out of his capabilities to control. This is Seungri breaking to little pieces before him because he fails as a leader, he fails as a hyung and more importantly, because he fails as someone who- someone who-
"I'm genuinely sorry for leaving you alone and I'm offering to-"
"Ah. There you go. I thought I said no reading into anything?'
"But you said-"
"I cried because I was alone. But not because you weren't there. I cried because I needed company. But not yours. Hyung, I'm so used to being left out around here already that it doesn't bother me anymore."
"Seungri, I - I don't - what you're saying is - it's absurd. I don't like what you're-"
"You don't have to like anything I say. I didn't ask you to approve my thoughts."
Jiyong's seeing red but he doesn't have the strength to do anything. He doesn't have anything. He desperately tries one last time.
"I promised I won't ever change."
"I know. But I am. I am changing."
--
Jiyong told YG about the show.
YG called the producers.
The part where Seungri talked about crying didn't air.
AN: Finally, a name and a face to the "girl" I've been talking about in my previous fics :) It's about time!
AN2: I have a few more stuff regarding this written already, I'll just organize them, okay? This fic is one way of looking at things, I think the other pieces will be the other ways.
To susifg : I know I promised you that Fuji Q fic, don't worry, it's still coming. I just need to post this up :D
Pairing: G-Ri
Rating: PG-13
Author: oxygenlove
Warning: Angst. Absolutely.
Summary: Jiyong's girlfriend lives in Japan :)
AN: Supporting articles here and here.
Between the Lines
It's one of those variety shows that make their guests do the strangest of things. Like sending them out of the studio into the streets and have them do random missions to strangers or making them eat exotic looking food if they lose in one of the many obscure Korean children's games.
This time, it's strapping idols to a chair and locking them up in the room next door to the studio and yes, they even threw in a lie-detector machine.
Nothing but the best of their crazy schemes for Big Bang.
Everything was going fine and smoothly actually. Daesung made them all laugh with his answers and the machine detected a 100% lies result. And Taeyang! Taeyang was a racket because he admitted to having kissed a total of three women after his My Girl MV - three! But he's never had a girlfriend before. Oh my my my.
Then it's Seungri's turn and the anticipation for something juicy is high. TOP is ready to look embarrassed and Taeyang is looking at Jiyong who is intently watching Seungri being strapped onto the comfortable chair throught the big LCD screen in front of them.
"I'm sure this'll be epic."
Jiyong laughs and the MCs join in.
The basics first - Lee Seunghyun. December 12, 1990. Big Bang's maknae, Seungri. Do you like singing? Yes. Do you love dancing? A split second of hesitation as Seungri thinks of Taeyang and Shaun Evaristo and his pre-debut group in Gwangju who loves dan- Seungri laughs awkwardly. Yes. Yes, of course, yes.
"When was the last time you cried?"
One. Two.
"He doesn't cry." That's Jiyong.
"He always says he's so strong." That's Taeyang.
"He's too mature for his age." That's Daesung.
"He wants to grow up too fast." That's TOP.
"Last Monday." That's Seungri - wait, what?
One. Two.
There's a hush hush , a what what, an oh oh and the cameras rush to film the other four members' reaction. They're suprised but then -
One. Two.
They laugh because hey, they're idols, right?
But Taeyang looks slightly confused and Jiyong looks like he's trying to remember something - trying to remember last Monday -
"Last Monday? What triggered it?"
Ahahaha - ha?
"Am I supposed to really answer this?"
Seungri looks like he regrets saying anything in the first place. Jiyong still looks like he's deep in thought, trying to remember. Remember. Monday? What was last mon- wait. Wait. Monday. Last Monday he-
"Ah, yes, Seungrisshi. You need to answer. So what did you cry over?"
"Being alone."
- last Monday, Jiyong flew to Japan.
"Ah, how did it feel?"
"Crying?"
Seungri thinks this is too much. Seungri thinks this must be violating some privacy rights somewhere. But the guy in the white lab coat simply nods his head and nobody signals a 'cut'. So Seungri takes a deep breath and smiles his winning maknae-smile.
"Well, I felt stupid after I cried. I mean, I was eating a late lunch on our kitchen table. I look across- I mean, around me and I didn't know I was already crying. So it wasn't anything conscious or whatever you guys call it. I just cried. Nothing big."
"Do you want to cha-"
"It wasn't like there was anything I could do. About being alone, I mean."
Seungri blinks rapidly and laughs awkwardly. He pretends to yawn and rub his eyes. The camera focuses on his face and they miss the moist in his eyes but not the strain in his voice.
"Can we change the question?"
"Absolutely."
Rustling of papers and -
"Who do you think is the best in Big Bang?"
"Ah! This one is easy! Me, of course! Who else?"
One. Two.
The whole studio laughs.
"Aigoo~ Seungri really loves himself, huh?" That's one of the MCs.
"Yeah. He does. He loves himself a lot." That's Jiyong. Always Jiyong.
More laughter and more questions about Seungri's charisma and Seungri's fans and Seungri's noonas - and the crying question is forgotten.
No traces of it left save for the sad faraway smile on Jiyong's face.
--
The guys were all smiles as they bid the crew goodbye. The ride home was going along fine.
"Ah! Cry Baby!"
"Maybe, your next solo should be called Cry Baby!"
"Hyung-"
"What do you think, Jiyong? Are you writing it?"
"Maybe."
Everybody turns to look at Jiyong. Seungri looks out the window.
"Hey, are you okay? Are you sick? You look tired. Maybe all this flying back and forth Ja-"
"Youngbae, I'm okay. I'm just tired. Don't worry about me."
The rest of the ride home is silent.
--
Seungri heads for his room the minute they reach their apartment. But Jiyong is fast and he blocks the door.
"You cried."
"Hyung, I'm tired."
"Seungri, that-"
"-that was for the show. How many times have we lied to make everybody laugh? How many times have we exaggerated things to make it funnier? Hyung, don't read into things too much."
"You cried last Monday."
"Part of why the two of us get along just fine is because we do not discuss things like this. Let's not start breaking the good ties, okay, hyung? So can we not talk about this? I'm really tired and-"
"You don't cry."
Seungri suddenly laughs, the bitter sound echoing through the hallway. Jiyong feels uneasy. Jiyong can't really say much right now. He feels like the helpless one in the conversation.
"Hyung, you may not have noticed but I'm also human, just like you. I cry. Just because you don't see me crying doesn't mean that I don't."
"Seungri, I know. Last Mon-"
"I'm really tired, hyung."
Seungri steps back and turns around, leaves Jiyong.
"Hey- hey! Where are you going?"
"Out."
--
Seungri is on the phone talking to one of his many other friends.
Jiyong admits it hurts as he listens to Seungri's phone call conversation with someone he doesn't want to know who. Jiyong admits it hurts to hear the answers to all the questions he wanted to ask himself but that Seungri didn't give him a chance to ask. Jiyong admits it hurts so damn much that Seungri trusts this no-name guy more than his own leader, that it's always others more than him. Always others more than Kwon Jiyong.
"I know hyung. I'm sorry for calling you like this and troubling you."
A pause as Seungri listens to the other end of the line and Jiyong tries his best to keep quiet behind the door.
"Ah, hyung~ Sorry for being a burden. I know I am."
Then Seungri laughs, a genuine laugh that makes Jiyong's lips smile instinctively, and his heart to ache because - because Seungri doesn't laugh like this with him. Not anymore.
"Thanks hyung, for always looking out for me. Le'ts meet up sometime, yeah? My treat! I know this place-"
Jiyong walks away. He can't bear it anymore. The tears are starting to pile up and he doesn't want to cry over something like this.
--
Jiyong comes home earlier than usual. He finds Seungri eating alone at the kitchen table. He smiles, says 'Hi.', heads to his room to change and when he gets back out Seungri's already done eating, cleaning up.
"There's some food left on the fridge. Heat it up if you're eating, hyung."
Seungri smiles and starts to head to his room.
"I'm taking you next time I go."
Seungri stops in his tracks.
One. Two.
This isn't a variety show where you count seconds and wait for the audience's applause or collective ooohs and aaahs.
This is real life so Seungri laughs laughs laughs.
"Sometimes, I think you hate me, hyung. I think you really do like seeing me suffer."
Jiyong is taken aback. Jiyong is confused and not sure and-
"You're not taking me with you if you still want me sane when we get back. Hyung, there are rules, you know? I'm sure there are laws somewhere that says taking me with you is inhumane."
Jiyong clenches his fists. This isn't what he wants. This is too complicated, too much out of his capabilities to control. This is Seungri breaking to little pieces before him because he fails as a leader, he fails as a hyung and more importantly, because he fails as someone who- someone who-
"I'm genuinely sorry for leaving you alone and I'm offering to-"
"Ah. There you go. I thought I said no reading into anything?'
"But you said-"
"I cried because I was alone. But not because you weren't there. I cried because I needed company. But not yours. Hyung, I'm so used to being left out around here already that it doesn't bother me anymore."
"Seungri, I - I don't - what you're saying is - it's absurd. I don't like what you're-"
"You don't have to like anything I say. I didn't ask you to approve my thoughts."
Jiyong's seeing red but he doesn't have the strength to do anything. He doesn't have anything. He desperately tries one last time.
"I promised I won't ever change."
"I know. But I am. I am changing."
--
Jiyong told YG about the show.
YG called the producers.
The part where Seungri talked about crying didn't air.
AN: Finally, a name and a face to the "girl" I've been talking about in my previous fics :) It's about time!
AN2: I have a few more stuff regarding this written already, I'll just organize them, okay? This fic is one way of looking at things, I think the other pieces will be the other ways.
To susifg : I know I promised you that Fuji Q fic, don't worry, it's still coming. I just need to post this up :D