Darkly, darkly...
At least I know what she is on about now.
She has been posting to a polyfidelity group, and here's an excerpt from a post she made while I was first visiting Rachel:
That is so beautifully written, especially the part I quoted above...
And it also fits to my situation as well, though it was not a polyfi
triad that exploded around me, but just the horror of a deceitful poly
partner playing mono with one woman and swearing poly to me.. :/
I am also, both excited and terrified. A new phase in life. I don't know
if I'll be willing to try love-anything again anytime soon, still my
heart bleeds over the agony that the relationship has caused me. But
I'll heal, eventually. The courage to venture out, I hope I'll find that
too, someday... All I want now is to finish moving to my friend's safe
house and hide there.
I also wrote a response, which I posted (the moderators will probably not let it through) and emailed to her at the new email account she made:
In polyfidelity2@yahoogroups.com, Dragonfly wrote:
> it was not a polyfi triad that exploded around me, but just the
> horror of a deceitful poly partner playing mono with one woman and
> swearing poly to me.. :/
There was nothing deceitful going on. And I hadn't promised anything to anyone except you, and I was searching hugely for a way to make everything work out for everyone, especially you.
You never gave a chance for me to say that.
Good luck in your new life, if that's what you want. I was finally able to bring things around to exactly what you wanted, but you never asked. I will be wanting all the things back of mine that you took if you stay gone, though. You've already destroyed your credit and rental history, and a lot of my things, but my heart is easily as broken as yours, and I've suffered more from this than you can know.
Did I promise monogamy to Rachel? I promised her I would be monogamous *IF* we ended up together, something that was hardly a foregone conclusion when I went to visit her for the first time. She decided to leave after she left me at the airport for that trip, and without any further contact from or with me.
The truth is, for all of our problems, I loved Eradea more than I ever loved anyone except my children. I was never really IN love with her, but she taught me that that didn't really matter, that there were stronger bonds than lust and NRE that were worth keeping. She was the first stability, her and our home, that I'd ever had in my life. My confidence and strength stemmed as much from that stability as anything.
Now I am staying temporarily in a house where I am not really a member, and am not pulling my weight financially; I'm moving to NY shortly because I have no other reasonable choice, as much as I hate the idea of having to go back to that dying, restrictive state with so many painful memories for me. I can't even be sure I won't get arrested for driving my own truck. My anxiety has come back in spades, and I'm feeling almost as badly with the stress and worry and discomfort as I did in Berkeley, where Eradea first found me and gave me a place to be, where, as she put it, I could be loved for what I really was, until I learned it for myself. Now it's all gone, she's in pain, and I am responsible when all is said and done. But she should have talked with me. Turns out what she wanted may end up being something very possible, which as I mentioned before, is the great irony of all of this. And I'm so tired of irony.