Quick entry before I go out for dinner and drinks and music from my future brother-in-law's band, on my last few days in NY before I move here for good (once the SSDI/SSI check comes and I'm done with both court cases in California).
I'm really starting to understand some of the things that I've heard people say over the years about relationships, love, sex, and the like that never made any sense to me before. I now am solidly entwined in a storybook relationship with a childhood love of mine, someone who has known me (admittedly somewhat intermittently) since I was very first a teenager, and can see threads of who I am that have survived, changed and developed throughout my life. She's also someone who has loved me for 22 years, albeit without me being aware of that most of the intervening time. And we've become just the right thing for the other over the years; a near-perfect complement to me. We are looking forward to a number of creative endeavors, big and small, and for the first time in many years I feel free to let myself open up creatively instead of staying enfolded in practicality, stress, what have you.
Even the difficulties we have weathered with aplomb, and we've proven to each other that we are a team, can be counted on by the other, and are both fully aware of what is going on and what we are committing to with the other. Her children are pretty typical kids for this day and age, and are grudgingly admitting they like me pretty well -- in addition to having now a healthier environment to grow up in, a much happier mother, and an example of a healthy relationship to compare against.
It's not all perfect, our situation, and it's not that we're ideal human beings or anything of the sort. But we have understanding and balance. Once I sort out the last few ties to California, I can have as my daily bread a real, healthy relationship with a real, healthy adult who truly loves me for who and what I am, and isn't going to do what has been done to me in the past.
Oh, yeah, and the sex is absolutely mind-blowing as well. We share, ah, similar predilections, and sex is one of the areas above most others where I finally understand the idea of it being THAT much better when you're with just the right person on many, many emotional levels. It's really amazing to discover, after all these years, and it's allowed me to finally trust enough to dig deep into what few remaining issues I have and open them up with her help.
Wednesday I fly back for the last time. Next time I'm in New York will be driving a truck (of some description) with my stuff in the back. 6 weeks I've spent here in the past 2 plus months, and despite the chaos of three kids and two adults in a tiny house with all the getting situated stuff and still the significant expectation of moving across the state a ways (here in NY, that is, for the rest of those mentioned), this is by far the best things have ever been for me in my lifetime. Whereas the chaos and pain of what was just done to me a few months ago would ordinarily have completely wrecked me emotionally and left me undesirous of the expenditures and depression that followed having the woman I'd struggled for and loved for four years essentially killed and replaced by randomly-shifting others, some of whom are as bitter and violent as I've ever seen... Well, whatever I might once have felt about it has been minor by comparison, occasionally having no emotional impact on me at all to speak of. My even keel, which I'd feared lost after I was tossed back into fear and uncertainty, intentionally, by a certain someone, has been vastly improved upon. Good thing, too. It's about time. :D