Non-consensual mindfuck
Things were going so well. Why did you have to RUIN it? You make me feel like the entire weekend was just an act. Just playing pretend that everything was ok, when in reality we just want to rip each other apart because we know we can't get along. Did you really not think about what you said before you called me? Are you really sorry or is that just an act too?
I cling to the phone. I try not to talk much because I know my voice will shake. I don't want him to know. I'm sure he already knows. He asks me questions and I struggle to stabilize my breathing. Struggle to stabilize my stomach. The room spins, I close my eyes. He asks me questions I can't answer. "I'm not mad, I'm upset." I need to get that through to him so he realizes it's permanent. I'm never mad. I'm always upset. He apologizes. I'm not sure if I can believe him. Tears stream down my cheeks and I look towards the wall so my roommate won't notice. It's hard not to sniffle, not to give away my pain. He asks if we're ok. How the fuck am I supposed to know if we're ok? He's the one who decided we weren't ok in the first place. He came down this weekend to patch things up, then calls me to rip out all the stitches he made and reopen all the wounds. "Our relationship can't handle another episode like this." Our relationship can't handle him not telling me the truth. Backpeddling. Misunderstandings.
He said he'd made up his mind, told me his decision, and all was right. Then he calls me to change his mind, realizes I'm upset, and changes his mind again. What the fuck am I supposed to think? He makes me feel like my emotions don't matter because they're only temporary. He wants to "work" with me on this. Like my feelings can be changed so it's worth it for him to stick around until he can change them. I want to change, I really do, but "for" him instead of him making me, as he put it.
I cling to the phone. I try not to talk much because I know my voice will shake. I don't want him to know. I'm sure he already knows. He asks me questions and I struggle to stabilize my breathing. Struggle to stabilize my stomach. The room spins, I close my eyes. He asks me questions I can't answer. "I'm not mad, I'm upset." I need to get that through to him so he realizes it's permanent. I'm never mad. I'm always upset. He apologizes. I'm not sure if I can believe him. Tears stream down my cheeks and I look towards the wall so my roommate won't notice. It's hard not to sniffle, not to give away my pain. He asks if we're ok. How the fuck am I supposed to know if we're ok? He's the one who decided we weren't ok in the first place. He came down this weekend to patch things up, then calls me to rip out all the stitches he made and reopen all the wounds. "Our relationship can't handle another episode like this." Our relationship can't handle him not telling me the truth. Backpeddling. Misunderstandings.
He said he'd made up his mind, told me his decision, and all was right. Then he calls me to change his mind, realizes I'm upset, and changes his mind again. What the fuck am I supposed to think? He makes me feel like my emotions don't matter because they're only temporary. He wants to "work" with me on this. Like my feelings can be changed so it's worth it for him to stick around until he can change them. I want to change, I really do, but "for" him instead of him making me, as he put it.