Fustration at the stupid spoilers hype
So here it all is in condensed form:
In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows...
Harry finally figures out how to shot web; kills everyone at Hogwarts by turning them into various kinds of cheese; has an orgy with Ladies Justice, Liberty, and Luck; flies to the moon and back without emo music; swims the English channel without getting wet; speaks of the Devil without seeing his horns; kills Indigo Montoya's father without Preparing To Die; passes the written driving test; does bong hits with Jesus; raises the Titanic, converts the USA to the metric system; deposes the pope; violates causality by traveling faster than light speed to become his own father; and violates the first and second laws of thermodynamics on late night talk shows by making the audiences catch fire; makes the Internet "safe for children"; finishes all the Final Fantasy games in original Japanese; abuses the disk-cache; replicates the original starship Enterprise inside the Houses of Parliament; walks a mile for a Camel; a thousand more miles to fall down at your door; sunbathes by actually swimming in the sun's photosphere; genetically modifies everyone on earth to have DeCSS embedded in their introns; wins blue ribbon at the tractor pull; conjugates Latin verbs; ends the Iraq War; converts Osama Bin Laden to Seventh Day Adventism and George W Bush to Islam; cordially invites the whole world to his birthday party but fails to show up; hosts an infomercial; ends global warming; takes a bite out of crime; prevents forest fires; copies the Bible, the Torah and the Koran perefctly from memory; forgets someone's name (I forgot who); and makes perfect french toast.
Later in the book: he does a hostile takeover of RJR Nabisco; runs a Beautiful Laundrette; organizes a union at the coal mine; starts riots in LA; searches for his adopted daughter in a mysteriously abandoned resort town; starts a resonance cascade; invades Xen and destroys the combine portal, destroys Metal Gear (again); finally kills Mental; kicks ass BEFORE running out of bubble gum; retrieves the Soul Cube from hell; takes the Ring to Mordor and casts it into the Cracks of Doom; captures the last Metriod; robs a bank and saves a kitten from a tree at the same time, calls the other dropship down by remote; shoots so many bad guys he had to severely overload a horse-drawn wagon to carry them back for bounty; buys Dobbstown; revives everyone at Hogwarts (but they still smell like cheese); legalizes gay marriage; sells android clones of Margaret Thatcher; creates the New Roman Empire; repairs a tricorder with stone knives and bear skins; fixes Social Security; dredges Atlantis out of the sea; helps 3D Realms actually finish a game; teaches play acting to prison inmates; turns Kim Jong Il into a peaceful
Zen Buddhist; sells tours of Mars for a dollar a day; plays croquet on the White House lawn; beats the demon Xanth at his own silly games; makes Chuck Norris cry (twice); and returns his library books on time.
In the final pages he reveals that Darth Vader is Luke's father; Rosebud was a sled; Redrum is Murder seen in a mirror; the woman was a transsexual; Phelps was the mole; the ship sinks; the prostitute dies; the star crossed lovers commit suicide; Zion was plot by the Machines; the Ticktock Man was late; there is no Big Brother; the planet of the Apes was Earth; the gasoline was on the bus not the tanker; Malcolm Crowe was a ghost the whole time; Soylent Green is made from people, not plankton; and the alien book is a cookbook.
In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows...
Harry finally figures out how to shot web; kills everyone at Hogwarts by turning them into various kinds of cheese; has an orgy with Ladies Justice, Liberty, and Luck; flies to the moon and back without emo music; swims the English channel without getting wet; speaks of the Devil without seeing his horns; kills Indigo Montoya's father without Preparing To Die; passes the written driving test; does bong hits with Jesus; raises the Titanic, converts the USA to the metric system; deposes the pope; violates causality by traveling faster than light speed to become his own father; and violates the first and second laws of thermodynamics on late night talk shows by making the audiences catch fire; makes the Internet "safe for children"; finishes all the Final Fantasy games in original Japanese; abuses the disk-cache; replicates the original starship Enterprise inside the Houses of Parliament; walks a mile for a Camel; a thousand more miles to fall down at your door; sunbathes by actually swimming in the sun's photosphere; genetically modifies everyone on earth to have DeCSS embedded in their introns; wins blue ribbon at the tractor pull; conjugates Latin verbs; ends the Iraq War; converts Osama Bin Laden to Seventh Day Adventism and George W Bush to Islam; cordially invites the whole world to his birthday party but fails to show up; hosts an infomercial; ends global warming; takes a bite out of crime; prevents forest fires; copies the Bible, the Torah and the Koran perefctly from memory; forgets someone's name (I forgot who); and makes perfect french toast.
Later in the book: he does a hostile takeover of RJR Nabisco; runs a Beautiful Laundrette; organizes a union at the coal mine; starts riots in LA; searches for his adopted daughter in a mysteriously abandoned resort town; starts a resonance cascade; invades Xen and destroys the combine portal, destroys Metal Gear (again); finally kills Mental; kicks ass BEFORE running out of bubble gum; retrieves the Soul Cube from hell; takes the Ring to Mordor and casts it into the Cracks of Doom; captures the last Metriod; robs a bank and saves a kitten from a tree at the same time, calls the other dropship down by remote; shoots so many bad guys he had to severely overload a horse-drawn wagon to carry them back for bounty; buys Dobbstown; revives everyone at Hogwarts (but they still smell like cheese); legalizes gay marriage; sells android clones of Margaret Thatcher; creates the New Roman Empire; repairs a tricorder with stone knives and bear skins; fixes Social Security; dredges Atlantis out of the sea; helps 3D Realms actually finish a game; teaches play acting to prison inmates; turns Kim Jong Il into a peaceful
Zen Buddhist; sells tours of Mars for a dollar a day; plays croquet on the White House lawn; beats the demon Xanth at his own silly games; makes Chuck Norris cry (twice); and returns his library books on time.
In the final pages he reveals that Darth Vader is Luke's father; Rosebud was a sled; Redrum is Murder seen in a mirror; the woman was a transsexual; Phelps was the mole; the ship sinks; the prostitute dies; the star crossed lovers commit suicide; Zion was plot by the Machines; the Ticktock Man was late; there is no Big Brother; the planet of the Apes was Earth; the gasoline was on the bus not the tanker; Malcolm Crowe was a ghost the whole time; Soylent Green is made from people, not plankton; and the alien book is a cookbook.