"In this crazy land of milk and honey, life is just an illusion..."
WARNING: This is a LONG entry... Important to me, but the only part that everyone who reads my LJ should read is the last part (which I will not LJ cut)
So one week has passed since I started on my break from LJ. I must say, it's been a nice week overall, despite the strange and at times painful things that have happened.
I have worked (and worked and worked)... I got a new tattoo on Saturday... I went to see the Dresden Dolls on Sunday... I spent some quality time with my parents... I obtained a plethora of new and even more eclectic music to listen to...
I thought about my past... I remembered the time that I saw BJ and Jessie kissing at the dance, and how it broke my heart to pieces... But because of that, I started to foster a friendship with a teacher whom I miss dearly... I tried to e-mail him last week, but to no avail...
I visited the park in Gardner that I used to go to with Ryan... I remembered how he started calling me and threatening me once he got an idea in his head that I didn't want to be his friend... I remember how, before that, he and I used to drive all over the state without a care in the world...
I thought about Melanie and Patty and Bridgette, and all of the experiences we have shared, both good and bad, and how sad I am in retrospect that we never all kept touch religiously, but it is somewhat foolish to think that high school friendships maintain the same structure over time... But I know that I still love them all dearly (especially my one and only Melanie!)...
I thought about my future... I thought about the fact that I don't know where I'm going to be living in half a year, but that, one way or another, my life will be totally different... I thought about my desire to resign myself to hermit status, but then realized it's not in my nature to seclude myself from the world...
I thought about my job and how much I love what I am doing... I have my days like everyone, but generally, I am happy, I love the people I work with, and I am getting my bills paid off while still taking some time out to enjoy life...
I thought about my friends... I thought a lot about my friends, actually, and how few truly close friendships I have... I wish that I had that one person I could always run to with everything, who would hold me close and tell me it will be okay no matter what... Not a boyfriend or girlfriend necessarily, just a best friend... I don't know if I've ever had someone I could call a best friend before and actually have it assume some major form of significance... There are a couple of people who come close, but I just feel like I have this empty gap in my life that I keep trying to fill with a thousand people rather than one...
I thought about LJ... a lot... Yes, I did read LJs here and there, I couldn't help myself, and it made me very sad that I could not resist it. LJ has become like a drug to me, an addiction that I am having a hard time overcoming. Whenever I think of leaving LJ, I am overcome with guilt - guilt for not knowing everything that is going on in my friends' lives, guilt for not leaving them comments, guilt for starting to foster friendships that could remain unfinished.
I also thought about the dramas that I have seen occur on LJ throughout the years. I have found that dramas can spark on LJ like a dried leaf in the middle of a summer drought - everything seems fine, but then all of a sudden, things are burning out of control and you didn't even see them start. People can be exceptionally cruel, and people can get exceptionally hurt. For me, LJ winds up being a cheap way out when it comes to talking about things on my mind - instead of talking to the person, I leave them a comment, or word a post that flames the person without anyone else knowing it really but the people involved... And it's so petty that it makes me sad that I've ever done it sometimes...
And then, I thought about my life before LJ... You see, LJ has become this separate world for me - a separate sphere of existence, in a sense, almost like my personal Truman Show, except that I acknowledge this existence and have sat here comfortably for some time. I feel like I don't know how to function in the real world sometimes - that I don't know how to keep friendships, that I don't know how to have real conversations with people I don't know that well, that I don't know how to pick up the phone and call someone (or e-mail or IM them even), and that I get frustrated when people who are friends of mine don't have LJs or don't use them.
And how unfair is that, really? To expect everyone else's lives to revolve around LJ just because mine does? It is probably one of the most selfish thoughts I have ever had! We all got along fine before LJ came along, so why should I even remotely expect everyone to cling to this just because I do? I think the people who don't have LJs or who are not addicted to them are truly free... They have no commitments to post things, or talk to people, everything is done at their own pace and whim...
LJ has been a wonderful tool for making friendships, both online and in real life. I met two exes - Scott and Patty - through and solely because of LJ. I've met all sorts of people through LJ - Amy, James, Raya, Steven, Amelia, Adrian, Phil, Maria, Lynn, Kaia, Kristina, Ann... The list goes on and on, I know that's not even everyone. I've made two friendships that I consider fairly close ones, even though I have drifted from one of them in recent months. And there are still more people I would love to meet someday - Amber, Dallas, Janet, Christina, Syreene (for the life of me, have I ever learned your real name? lol), Cricket, Shannon, Debbie, Meg and Mariah, to name a good portion of you...
So I guess ultimately where I'm going with this is that I'm going to be continuing my LJ break indefinitely. I may resume someday with this journal. I may start a new journal. I may never come back to LJ again (though I doubt this). I may still comment here and there, I may not. I honeslty don't know exactly what is going to happen.
But my main plea is this - just because I'm gone from LJ doesn't mean I'm gone from you guys, especially if we have met or have planned on meeting someday. Obviously, there are some of you I deal with more in real life than LJ, so I'm not worried about you guys (at least I hope not!) But if not, please don't lose touch! Hopefully I'll get to send out some e-mails to some of you guys this week or next.
I hope to come back someday, and I apologize for this long, rambling, perhaps-not-totally-coherent passage... If any of you have read this all the way through, you deserve both a medal and a cookie :)
Until we meet again my friends...
So one week has passed since I started on my break from LJ. I must say, it's been a nice week overall, despite the strange and at times painful things that have happened.
I have worked (and worked and worked)... I got a new tattoo on Saturday... I went to see the Dresden Dolls on Sunday... I spent some quality time with my parents... I obtained a plethora of new and even more eclectic music to listen to...
I thought about my past... I remembered the time that I saw BJ and Jessie kissing at the dance, and how it broke my heart to pieces... But because of that, I started to foster a friendship with a teacher whom I miss dearly... I tried to e-mail him last week, but to no avail...
I visited the park in Gardner that I used to go to with Ryan... I remembered how he started calling me and threatening me once he got an idea in his head that I didn't want to be his friend... I remember how, before that, he and I used to drive all over the state without a care in the world...
I thought about Melanie and Patty and Bridgette, and all of the experiences we have shared, both good and bad, and how sad I am in retrospect that we never all kept touch religiously, but it is somewhat foolish to think that high school friendships maintain the same structure over time... But I know that I still love them all dearly (especially my one and only Melanie!)...
I thought about my future... I thought about the fact that I don't know where I'm going to be living in half a year, but that, one way or another, my life will be totally different... I thought about my desire to resign myself to hermit status, but then realized it's not in my nature to seclude myself from the world...
I thought about my job and how much I love what I am doing... I have my days like everyone, but generally, I am happy, I love the people I work with, and I am getting my bills paid off while still taking some time out to enjoy life...
I thought about my friends... I thought a lot about my friends, actually, and how few truly close friendships I have... I wish that I had that one person I could always run to with everything, who would hold me close and tell me it will be okay no matter what... Not a boyfriend or girlfriend necessarily, just a best friend... I don't know if I've ever had someone I could call a best friend before and actually have it assume some major form of significance... There are a couple of people who come close, but I just feel like I have this empty gap in my life that I keep trying to fill with a thousand people rather than one...
I thought about LJ... a lot... Yes, I did read LJs here and there, I couldn't help myself, and it made me very sad that I could not resist it. LJ has become like a drug to me, an addiction that I am having a hard time overcoming. Whenever I think of leaving LJ, I am overcome with guilt - guilt for not knowing everything that is going on in my friends' lives, guilt for not leaving them comments, guilt for starting to foster friendships that could remain unfinished.
I also thought about the dramas that I have seen occur on LJ throughout the years. I have found that dramas can spark on LJ like a dried leaf in the middle of a summer drought - everything seems fine, but then all of a sudden, things are burning out of control and you didn't even see them start. People can be exceptionally cruel, and people can get exceptionally hurt. For me, LJ winds up being a cheap way out when it comes to talking about things on my mind - instead of talking to the person, I leave them a comment, or word a post that flames the person without anyone else knowing it really but the people involved... And it's so petty that it makes me sad that I've ever done it sometimes...
And then, I thought about my life before LJ... You see, LJ has become this separate world for me - a separate sphere of existence, in a sense, almost like my personal Truman Show, except that I acknowledge this existence and have sat here comfortably for some time. I feel like I don't know how to function in the real world sometimes - that I don't know how to keep friendships, that I don't know how to have real conversations with people I don't know that well, that I don't know how to pick up the phone and call someone (or e-mail or IM them even), and that I get frustrated when people who are friends of mine don't have LJs or don't use them.
And how unfair is that, really? To expect everyone else's lives to revolve around LJ just because mine does? It is probably one of the most selfish thoughts I have ever had! We all got along fine before LJ came along, so why should I even remotely expect everyone to cling to this just because I do? I think the people who don't have LJs or who are not addicted to them are truly free... They have no commitments to post things, or talk to people, everything is done at their own pace and whim...
LJ has been a wonderful tool for making friendships, both online and in real life. I met two exes - Scott and Patty - through and solely because of LJ. I've met all sorts of people through LJ - Amy, James, Raya, Steven, Amelia, Adrian, Phil, Maria, Lynn, Kaia, Kristina, Ann... The list goes on and on, I know that's not even everyone. I've made two friendships that I consider fairly close ones, even though I have drifted from one of them in recent months. And there are still more people I would love to meet someday - Amber, Dallas, Janet, Christina, Syreene (for the life of me, have I ever learned your real name? lol), Cricket, Shannon, Debbie, Meg and Mariah, to name a good portion of you...
So I guess ultimately where I'm going with this is that I'm going to be continuing my LJ break indefinitely. I may resume someday with this journal. I may start a new journal. I may never come back to LJ again (though I doubt this). I may still comment here and there, I may not. I honeslty don't know exactly what is going to happen.
But my main plea is this - just because I'm gone from LJ doesn't mean I'm gone from you guys, especially if we have met or have planned on meeting someday. Obviously, there are some of you I deal with more in real life than LJ, so I'm not worried about you guys (at least I hope not!) But if not, please don't lose touch! Hopefully I'll get to send out some e-mails to some of you guys this week or next.
I hope to come back someday, and I apologize for this long, rambling, perhaps-not-totally-coherent passage... If any of you have read this all the way through, you deserve both a medal and a cookie :)
Until we meet again my friends...