(no subject)
there is a squirrel in the garbage by the street, and i feel bad about it.
i did not kill the squirrel.
i had to drive in to the office to poke at a machine, and as i left my driveway i saw it
grey, limp, lifeless on the wet asphalt, bright red pool at its mouth
and i thought oh god that is so
and oh god someone else is going to run over it again, without a second thought, no respect for the dead, no respect for the once-living
so i drove half a block, turned around, double-parked, and put it by the telephone pole by the end of the driveway, and drove to work
i say this as an article of interest, and as a fellow conscious being - i think it was instantaneous. he ran out in front of a tire, his head was crushed, i doubt he felt anything for long. but i don't think he was mangy, see - he was bald on the top part of his body, and i think it was stripped off all at once by the tire. so i probably didn't touch a diseased squirrel, just a healthy squirrel from my neighborhood.
i tried to dig a grave, day before yesterday, but my yard is full of rocks to an irritatingly variable depth, and i don't own a good shovel, nor a spade, nor trowel,
and i don't think wrapping her - i didn't peer, but squirrel testicles are generally pretty obvious, i didn't think wrapping her in a cloth and sinking her in the river is a good idea, nor just tossing her in the river.
but i also didn't consciously get her pronouns right until now, right now, after i consigned her to a trashbag, to be treated as discarded meat.
and i feel pretty crappy about that.
but telling a whole bunch of people that i feel bad about so many parts of this story
a squirrel is dead
it's probably a squirrel i've looked at before
maybe i should do something about it
start driving. turn around and do half of something (also hope that a vulture notices and eats the squirrel, but accept that it is freezing cold and so smell is less effective)
do half of something, give up because it is not going to work in the span of time i have
work, see that squirrel is now in neighbor's driveway - do nothing, feel bad,
go to movie, come home,
take garbage to curb,
put squirrel in garbage.
hail the squirrel that lived near me, and probably chittered at me from the walnut tree this last year! she was a grey squirrel, with a bushy tail. she died a pretty normal squirrel death, but a better particular instance than most. she was alive, and now she is not.
i honor her, but i did not know her.
and now it is somehow better
thank you for listening.