(no subject)
[Private]
Apparently my self-imposed exile isn't working. Somehow, despite my insistence that I don't have any friends, I seem to have at least one person in each House (several in Ravenclaw and Gryffindor) pestering me about my well-being. Sometimes the thought makes me want to cry, but I think I've had quite enough of that. I'd much rather pour out any frustrations I have onto these pages. It seems more helpful that way, because I can say anything I'd like and don't have to worry about anybody else reading it. Momentarily, though, I'm surprisingly okay.
I've met Theodore three times since Cathy Miles' entry. Even though I think a little bit of the integrity I've built up in my life seems to melt away every time I see him, some part of me still admits that it's pleasant. Sexually gratifying, obviously - which is something I never thought I'd include as a requirement of having a 'nice time' - but also interesting. He intrigues me. He sort of always has, even though I've never tried to get to know him before. I suppose there's a reason for that, considering the circumstances under which we spend time together.
Still.
But then there's Ethan. He made it easy for me not to feel guilty, when we spoke about Cathy Miles' entry... but since then, he's been, well, the person that I thought he would be when I first started dating him. There's more to him, of course, than his intelligence and his occasionally callous exterior. It's terribly cliched, of course, to think of the boy that needs to be brought out of his shell, the one who is so very different on the inside than what he shows - but in some ways, Ethan fits that. And I like him. I just. Theodore would probably fit that descrip Mmm.
I think the worst, though, is Neville. The worst, in that, well. He's so very different than the aloof Slytherins that I've been dealing with lately - he's so honest, so sincere, so kind. He's been so nice to me lately, and I don't deserve it. At all. The flowers that he sent made that difference so unbearably clear -- and the picture. I don't even know what to make of that. But the thing is, I don't know if... well, I just don't know. I don't know if he's just my friend, if he wants to be more than that or if he even thinks of me that way at all. If he does, then things are just more complicated. I'm already finding it hard to end it with Ethan - because Theodore isn't providing me with anything (besides -- no.) that Ethan is, but Theodore just has this sort of magnetic quality that I can't help getting caught in.
This is positively wretched! I hate being the type of girl who has a plethora of boy problems and doesn't think about anything else! I refuse. I am a Ravenclaw. I have been trying, for the last six years to beat Hermione Granger in at least two of our classes, and instead of doing that this year, my marks have fallen. Well, that's not going to happen. I'm going to breeze past those final examinations, and I'll go into summer with all of these problems figured out. I have to.
[/Private]
It's getting so warm outside. If I'm not mistaken, I saw a few third years outside today sunning themselves in their bathing suits? Is it really that warm? If so, who is willing to join me in the same sort of activity, as well as possibly a short swim?
Not today, of course. It's getting a bit late.
I was in the Owlery yesterday night, and I heard the most beautiful music. Does anybody know what it was? Or rather, who? I'm not sure if it was a younger year; if not, then really - you were wonderful, whoever you are.
- Padma
[Filter: Neville Longbottom]
Nev,
I'm going to feel like a fool if I'm wrong... but if you sent me those beautiful flowers, thank you, with all of my heart. It was easily the nicest gesture anybody has ever given me.
Who... drew the picture?
Would you like to meet with me, soon?
- Padma
[/Filter]