Simple Remedy part 2/3
Part 2
At work the next day, Jensen found himself opening the drawer on the left side of his desk from time to time. He stared accusingly at the white envelope at the bottom, but couldn't bring himself to actually take it out and look in it. After he had gotten lunch and told Alona he'd be stepping out for the afternoon, he took a final glance at the envelope and walked out of his office.
”Chris,” he said as soon as his friend picked up the phone, ”Bar. Now.”
They met an hour later in their usual bar. Jensen sat in the dim corner booth as Chris walked in and got a pint before sliding on the bench opposite Jensen. He took a long sip before finally looking Jensen in the eye.
”So, what has the dragon done this time?”
”She thinks counseling would solve our problems.”
”Really?,” Chris raised an eyebrow. ”So she's finally ready to try and act like a human being?”
”Wouldn't say so,” Jensen said. ”Let me rephrase. She thinks I'm the problem and I should be the one getting therapy.”
”That bitch,” Chris huffed and Jensen laughed bitterly. His friends had stopped trying to be nice about Danneel a long time ago. Maybe he should have taken a hint sooner. ”I don't really understand why you just don't do what half of the country does in a situation like that.”
”And that is what?”
”File for divorce. I know it's not what you want to do, and I know you love her, but that doesn't sound like a healthy way to solve anything at this point. Isn't she the one who keeps on cheating?”
Jensen flinched at Chris' words. They had never really talked about Danneel's cheating, but he knew Chris had known for almost as long as it had been happening. The first time had been when they were first dating but it had been such a classic little mistake, drunk and not really thinking, and Jensen had forgiven it. Maybe a bit too easily. The next time had been a few months after the problems with sex had started and Jensen had been so ashamed and so sure it was all his fault that he felt he couldn't even be mad at her for doing it. And now, when he knew there had been others too, he was just too tired to even react if she told him she had to work late and came home smelling like sex and cologne he didn't own.
”Maybe,” he said and fought the urge to bang his head against the table. ”I just... I didn't think it'd ever happen to me.”
”No one does,” Chris said quietly and their eyes met over the pints. Jensen knew that Chris spoke from experience.
”I've actually had divorce papers drawn for months now,” Jensen said as soon as he had settled in the chair opposite Jared.
Jared's eyes widened a bit but otherwise he looked as professional and calm as ever. They were in Jared's office again and Jensen picked on the worn leather of his chair. He knew that Jared had probably had a plan for this session too but Jensen had surprised himself by actually wanting to talk this time.
”I haven't told anyone that before,” Jensen admitted. ”Well, except to my lawyer. I almost gave them to her right away, but then just couldn't. Thought that maybe we could fix it, but now it just feels like we're kicking a dead horse.”
”Do you feel like you'd be ready to just give up?”
”Do I sound that desperate?” Jensen felt a small smile tugging on the corners of his mouth despite the whole situation.
”Comparing a relationship to beating a dead animal clearly points in that direction,” Jared said calmly.
”Did you learn that on those fancy psychology courses you've taken?” Jensen nodded towards Jared's wall of diplomas and awards.
”Actually they teach that in Psychology 101, first lesson of relationships.” Jared's face was perfectly serious for all three seconds before he had to smile and Jensen just about fell apart. He laughed so hard his eyes watered and then the sudden burst of laughter turned into uncontrollable sobs. He felt Jared's hands on him and he leaned forward against Jared's strong frame.
”Wasn't really that funny,” he whispered quietly when he could finally breath more easily. ”I might have gotten some snot on your shirt.”
”That's okay.”
”Have you ever done yoga?” Jared asked when Jensen arrived for his appointment the week after.
Jensen lifted his chin and looked at Jared sceptically. ”Random much?”
”Not really,” Jared smiled. ”I'm also a certified yoga instructor, even if I only teach it on every second Tuesday. I used to do it more during college, but now it's more of a hobby.”
”Yoga and sex therapy? What next?”
”Well, I did go through a phase where I ate only raw foods, but since I'm not a qualified nutritionist I don't think I should be giving others nutritional advice, Jared smirked.”
Jensen laughed. ”And that has nothing to do with the fact that your inner Texan can't resist barbecue?”
”Nothing,” Jared's smile went so wide Jensen could see the flash of white teeth.
”But what does the yoga thing have to do with anything?”
Jared stood up and motioned for Jensen to follow him into the therapy room while he explained what he had on his mind.
”It's not usually a technique that I use in therapy, but I have this one relaxation exercise that I've used in my yoga classes. It teaches you awareness of your body, but also helps you to relax. I thought that it'd be good for you. I've tried it with certain clients before and they've found it enjoyable at least.”
”Isn't yoga like all about bending in awkward poses and meditating?” Jensen blurted before he could help himself. He hadn’t actually met a guy who really enjoyed yoga and to him it was more of something that one of Danneel’s friends might do. Jared just gave him a snort and a small eyeroll.
”Yoga is about finding your balance. It trains both body and mind,” Jared said and chuckled. ”Ok that sounded cheesy. But it's not just about the poses. It can be a really good muscle workout too.”
”So, do you like whip out some yoga mats or something?”
Jared laughed softly and Jensen felt it tug something loose inside him. He wanted to join the laughter and a weird feeling of joy rushed over him. He thought that maybe it was just Jared, who seemed to be such an easy guy to get along with and his laughter that just invited Jensen to join. A shiver ran over him at that thought and he felt like he should tell his subconscious not to be so cheesy.
”We'll do it in the therapy room. It doesn't involve bending or moving. You just need to lie on the bed.”
They moved to the other room and Jared instructed Jensen to take off his shoes and lay down on the bed.
”Keep your arms relaxed by your sides, palms up. Then close your eyes. This is usually done at the end of the yoga class when everyone's already done some cooling down and stretching. So we'll start slow. First just listen to my voice and breathe slowly in and out through your nose. If it feels uncomfortable you may try breathing in through your mouth and then exhale through your nose.” Jared's voice was a low rumble of a sound, sort of softer than he usually spoke and his accent dragging some words longer than necessary.
”Now, I'm going to go through your body. Everytime I say something, try to visualise that part of your body. I'll go fairly fast so you may have to just roll from part to part. Feel how your skin warms as you become aware of each and every part of your body,” Jared spoke. ”We'll start on the right side.”
”Palm of your right hand, thumb, forefinger, middle finger, ring finger, pinkie...” Jared started and then slowly moved up Jensen's arm and Jensen could actually feel warmth like Jared had said he might. It was like a physical touch even if it was just his own consciousness stroking over his skin. ”Shoulder, shoulder blade...”
Jensen's mind swam a little. He felt so weird. The phantom warmth seemed to drag a shiver after it and he briefly wondered if he could maybe flex his fingers. But he didn't really have space in his head for extra thoughts as he slowly worked over body part after body part. Jared's voice carried him forward in the exercise and just before he moved to the left side Jensen could sense the difference between the side they had worked through and the side they hadn't. It was an eerie feeling of lost balance that reconstructed itself piece by piece as Jared took him over to his left side.
”And now, become aware of your breathing, feel how it feels to inhale, how it feels to exhale. Be aware of yourself as a whole and then, when you feel ready, slowly open your eyes and widen your awareness from yourself to your surroundings.”
Jensen exhaled through his nose and slowly blinked as he opened his eyes. Even if the room was dimly lit it felt bright. He felt oddly drowsy, like he had just been in a deep sleep even if he had been fully awake through the whole thing.
”You can also do this on your own,” Jared spoke softly. ”You can use it as it is or just use pieces of it. Sometimes when you feel like your whole concentration centers around a single part of yourself, no matter if it's because of pain or any other reason you can help yourself by slowly visualising parts around that body part and then slowly try and move further and further.”
Jensen knew what Jared was actually suggesting was probably that he should try and use it when his concentration fell solely on his inability to perform, but he felt so warm and relaxed that actually, for the first time in a long time, he didn't really care. His mouth felt dry and he got up slowly like a bear rising from its winter sleep. He sat on the edge of the bed and turned his head to Jared who sat on the sofa, looking comfortable and ruffled in the dim light like he had been relaxing too.
The white of the papers looked utterly bright against the dark tablecloth, one of Danneel's attempts at making the kitchen look more like it had actually been done by some expensive interior designer. Jensen looked at the clock on the wall and sighed, feeling jaded and ten years older than his actual age. He tried not to think back to the discussion he had had with his mother the day before. It had been one of the hardest phone calls he had ever made, counting the one time he had been arrested at sixteen and had had to call his parents from the police station. The disappointment in his mother's voice had been evident, even if she had tried to hide it.
”Jensen,” she had said in that same tone she had used countless times in the past when she thought that she hoped he would know better. ”Is there anyone you can talk to?”
He had told her that he'd been seeing a counsellor, leaving out that Jared wasn't exactly one to give the sort of marriage counselling that she probably had in mind. They had talked a while, and he had tried to reason his thoughts to her, but he really didn't want to go into details of Danneel cheating and the constant fighting and everything. He had just told her that they had grown apart, that there wasn't anything to fix anymore.
Jensen turned his gaze away from the papers as he heard the front door open. This was it, he really couldn't back out this time. He had pushed this as far as it could go and if he pussyfooted now, they'd still be living this nightmare of a life five years later.
”Jen?” Danneel's tone was just mildly concerned.
”I think you should sit down for this,” Jensen told her.
In the end, telling Danneel had actually been much easier than he had expected and in the days following the actual signing of all the paperwork, they had had one of the most civil conversations they had all year. It was like they had both had a chance to finally breath and the air in the house had cleared.
”It's weird,” Jensen told Chris when they sat in the bar that Friday. ”I was expecting a divorce from hell, and I think this still has potential to turn into one when we actually start to divide property and stuff, but now that we know we're not going to be together any longer, we actually fight less since we don't have to try and work things out constantly.”
”That's good,” Chris said.
”But it's still so fucking hard. Sometimes I can still see the side of her that I actually fell for, and I just want to say ”fuck it” and ”let's cancel the whole thing”. But I can't since I know that this can't be anything but the right choice for us.”
”I thought we'd start on the bed today,” Jared said as soon as Jensen was inside the therapy room.
Jensen turned to him. He had sort of been expecting Jared to want to talk more, but this was good. Maybe he could empty his mind a bit and he actually enjoyed Jared's company, even if it was weird to keep seeing him when his reason for going in the first place had stopped existing. But he had talked about it with Jared and they had came to an agreement that it would probably be beneficial for Jensen's future relationships if he built up his confidence more, so that the issues he had with Danneel wouldn't ruin his next relationship too.
”You remember the first exercise we did here?” Jared asked and waited until Jensen nodded. ”This is basically the same thing, but since it'd be hard for you to reach everywhere, I'll be touching you. Is that okay?”
Jensen's mouth dropped. Wasn't that something that shouldn't happen? But he had never been in this situation. He bit his lower lip and nodded slowly to Jared. Jared probably didn't see anything sexual happening between the two of them and the whole exercise was about Jensen, wasn't it. He's a professional, Jensen reminded himself.
”It'd be easiest if you were naked or down to your underwear, but it's your choice. You can undress to the level you're comfortable with. Just put your clothes on the sofa,” Jared said. ”When you're ready lay down on the bed, on your stomach. I'll step out to give you some privacy.”
Jensen snickered to himself as Jared closed the door after him. Privacy. That must be a joke since in a moment Jared would come back and start touching him. Jensen folded his jacket on the sofa and took off his shoes and socks. The shirt and undershirt were an obvious choice as were his pants too. He stood there is his boxers for a moment and then, feeling bold tugged them down and placed them on his pile of discarded clothes.
He lay down on the bed and listened to Jared move in the other room. A moment later he heard the door open and close with a significant click that indicated Jared had actually locked it too. Jensen pressed his face in the pillows feeling the cool sheets under him and tried not to feel too self conscious about the whole thing. He anticipated that maybe Jared touching him wasn't so bad and for a fleeting second he found himself even hoping for it, which felt utterly stupid since wasn't that why he was lying there in the first place.
”From one to five like before,” Jared said as he knelt on the bed beside Jensen who felt more than a bit ridiculous lying there bareassed.
Jensen took a deep breath and waited for Jared's touch. It came as soon as he had expected but it surprised him that Jared had started with his toes. Long fingers touching each of them, carefully, and Jensen wiggled them trying to get used to the touch. It was a bit weird at the moment, but he was glad that Jared had started with something that didn't feel sexual.
”One,” he said as Jared moved to the soles of his feet and made Jensen jump a bit. ”Tickles.”
Jared moved to his ankles, just tracing them with his fingers before wrapping his palms around and just holding still for a moment that felt longer than it probably was.
”Two,” Jensen breathed out as Jared's thumbs traced over the bumps of bone inside his ankles.
He got numbers from one to three all the way up his legs and tensed a bit when Jared stopped again, his thumbs drawing circular patterns on Jensen's inner thighs.
”Four.”
He felt himself hardening, not all the way but enough that it made it harder for him just to concentrate on Jared's warm hands. His cock was thick and heavy against the bed and he closed his eyes as Jared moved forward gently stroking his buttocks. He tried to tell himself that he wasn't really reacting on Jared, who had big hands with long capable fingers, but on the touching he hadn't lately gotten from anyone. He hadn't done anything like this with Danneel in a long, long time and just having some one's hands tenderly rubbing his skin felt too good.
”Four.”
Jensen breathed in slowly and tried to get his heartbeat back to normal as Jared stroked over the skin on his lower back, moving away from his ass. Just a couple of two's over his back and soft laughter when Jared's fingers ghosted over the ticklish points on his ribs. The rest of the exercise felt weirdly what fooling around with his high school girlfriend had been like. First moving forward and then trying to calm himself down and relax as she had stopped him before they actually got anywhere.
Jensen could feel the warmth of Jared's body over him and it felt really weird that he actually found the situation somewhat arousing despite the position he was in. Laying under Jared all naked and knowing the guy could easily pin him down and not let him up even if he wanted to. Being held down was something he'd never considered as one of his kinks before but now he could see why some people liked it. He swallowed thickly trying to assure himself that it was just him finding out that he wanted to be held down, not him wanting Jared to be the one holding him down.
After his session with Jared, Jensen spent a few hours just driving around. It had definitely thrown him off balance even though Jared probably never intended to do that. Instead of thinking about the result of the exercise and an assignment Jared had given him, the one he had done before about touching the points he had numbered four or over, he kept thinking about Jared.
The whole wanting Jared to hold him down had snowballed into a full fantasy of Jared turning him over on the bed and pushing his arms over his head with his muscles bulging under the tight fitting t-shirt Jared had worn on their second or third session.
Jensen flashed back to a moment in high school after he had walked in on Mark, the school's star basketball player, making out with a cheerleader. He had had her pressed against the lockers in the boys locker room. He could remember that it had been late in the afternoon and everyone else had already left. Jensen had forgotten something and had gone back for it. He had heard them before he had actually seen them.
The girl, whose name Jensen couldn't recall, had been standing against the lockers with Mark's thigh pressed between her legs. He had had his hand tangled in her hair and she had made these desperate little moans as he had grabbed her by the waist and picked her up with such an ease Jensen's breath had caught. He couldn't take his eyes off them as Mark had carried her towards the bench behind them and gathered her in his lap as he sat down with her legs open over his thighs.
It wasn't anything Jensen had admitted to himself back then, but he had jacked off to that image for weeks. He had told himself it was about the girl and how he wanted to be the one manhandling her, but some of it had been Mark and the ease he had lifted her up and onto his lap. Now Jensen found himself thinking how easily Jared, who had to be at least three or four inches taller than Jensen himself, could do something like that. Even to a guy, Jensen's traitorous mind supplied unhelpfully.
”I thought today we could talk about some ways that might make it easier for you to start an intimate relationship,” Jared said as Jensen settled in his usual chair in the office.
”I'm not going to want anyone for a while,” Jensen said and felt his cheeks reddening as he saw Jared raise an eyebrow. ”I don't think I can just get over the end of my relationship with Danneel and move on that easily. It's been years since I've had anyone but Danneel and we both know how well that has been working...”
”I didn't really suggest you find someone right now. This is for the future. One day you'll meet someone and I think it would really boost your confidence if you had some strategies in place.”
Jensen nodded.
”The first thing I would suggest is to be honest and don't hide the fact that you've had problems in past, but I know it will be hard to tell,” Jared said.
”No shit,” Jensen mumbled.
”In a new relationship it should be easy for you to tell the person you want to get to know them first and that way give yourself more time before you have to confront the subject you probably aren't that willing to come out with. I think honesty is the best way to go. Having the other person know about your past problem will let that person know that even if it happens, it's not about them. Also, them knowing about your problems can lower their expectations, especially the first time around, which can decrease your stress levels.”
”Danneel used to think it was about her,” Jensen leaned back in his chair biting his lip. ”Then she decided that it was about me.”
”That's one of the reason's you should be honest. Let them know that it's mostly caused by a very natural reaction and was escalated because of the pressure that was put upon you by both you and your partner. It won't get better if you don't learn to relax together before any sexual acts. And I really believe that going slowly would only have a positive effect on you. That way you can get the feeling of accomplishment from the things you have no problem with.”
”What if the other person wants to go faster?” Jensen asked.
”If at any point in the relationship you feel pressured to go at a faster pace than you're comfortable with, I want you to ask yourself if the person who can't wait for you to be ready is worth of your time.”
Jensen raised his eyebrow. ”Is that from the Handy Book of Clichés for Therapists?”
Jared smiled knowingly. Jensen's sarcastic attitude with most of his more cliché advice was probably something he had gotten from his other patients too. ”Would it be better if I told you that you should go ahead and attach yourself to someone who won't be able to handle the fact that relationships might need work and compromises? That you should just do what the other person wants and keep seeing me forever since the problem you have just keeps getting worse instead of better?”
”That would be good for your business I guess,” Jensen shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant even if, for some absolutely irrational reason, he sort of didn't want to stop seeing Jared at any point.
”Have you ever used any toys?” Jared asked at the beginning of their session a few weeks later.
Jensen grinned. He had started to get used to the randomness of Jared's ways to open the session. Sometimes it was a long talk about the last session' topic and what he had thought in between the sessions and sometimes it was this. Jared would just blurt out a question and they'd go from there. Jensen had noticed that it mostly happened when he was feeling really relaxed when he came into the session, so maybe it wasn't so random and more of Jared's way of reacting to the fact that Jensen was open to more direct discussion when he wasn't tense from the beginning.
”Toys?”
”Sex toys,” Jared coaxed. ”You know, things that are supposed to make you feel good?”
Jensen laughed. He enjoyed how he could relax in Jared's company and how every therapy session seemed to be more of a friendly banter than a serious talk between a counsellor and his patient.
”No, not really,” he admitted. ”One of my college girlfriends used to have this vibrator she brought out once or twice, but never anything else.”
”Did you play with the vibrator together?”
”Yes.”
”Did you use it on her or did she use it on you?”
”On her, of course. It was a girl toy,” Jensen said.
”Not necessarily,” Jared said. ”Guys can enjoy a variety of vibrating toys too.”
”I don't want a pink dolphin up my ass!”
”Why do you think you should put it inside?” Jared asked.
Jensen gave him a look that asked if he was a bit slow, but Jared waved him off.
”Most of the things can be used a variety of ways. You've already seen how any part of your body can be sensitive to the touch, so why should you concentrate on a single part of yourself?”
”Okay?”
”I'd like you to go to a store that specializes in sex toys. You don't have to buy anything, but pick out a few things and try to think about alternative uses for them. And then, when you're in a general store, try and see if there are any things that could be safely used as sex toys.”
”Isn't this a bit weird?” Jensen had to ask. Sometimes Jared just seemed to pull these things out of his head and Jensen really didn't know if they were in any way helping him.
”This is about finding the fun side of sex again. You know how when you're younger everything is new and exciting? This way we'll get you in the headspace of finding sexual things fun again. I've seen how you approach sex like it's a task instead of seeing that it can be about having fun together.”
Jared grinned at him as he finished explaining and Jensen blushed at that. He knew Jared didn't mean that the two of them could have fun together like that, but something in Jared's wicked grin made him think otherwise. He really needed to put his mind on a leash these days.
The shop was small, but full of light. Jensen, who had never been in a sex store before, found himself standing in between the shelves feeling like a total dork. He watched the clerk, hyper bald guy, talking to a group of girls about different toys and felt oddly grateful not being the only one in the store. It gave him time to look around in peace without anyone asking if he needed help or if he was looking for something in particular.
Jensen moved from shelf to shelf looking at the colorful things and rotated Jared's words around in his head. He looked at all the boxes and fidgeted nervously. Some of the things were just too bizarre. How could anyone really use a dildo that was bigger than his forearm?
”Hey, do you need help?” The clerk asked suddenly.
Jensen jumped. He had been so deep in thought that he hadn't really noticed that the girls had left and he was alone in the store.
”I'm just looking,” he stuttered to the bald guy.
”Yes Hon, I know you are.” The guy told him and steered him to the other side of the shelf.
More than half an hour later, Jensen found himself standing in the street with a black plastic bag that could probably be considered very discreet, but he still felt like he should just tiptoe away as in some really bad spy parody hoping that maybe no one could see him.
The short trip home felt hours long with the nondescript black bag on the front seat and he wondered how could he have gone from being a responsible shopper who always buys only what he really wants and needs into a guy who just agrees to buy anything that's being forced on him. Except he still can't really forget how Mike, and damn if he's on a first name basis with a sex store clerk now, told him all the things he bought were going to blow his mind.
”So I went to see things like you told me,” Jensen said, as Jared asked him what he had done since their last time.
Jared's eyebrow rose and Jensen could see the curiosity in his eyes, but Jared didn't ask anything.
”I maybe kinda did something else besides look at them...”
Jared leaned forward excitedly. ”Really?” And then seemed to catch himself and leaned back trying to look cool, ”And how was that?”
”How was what?” Jensen asked.
”Your experience?” Jared said looking bashful.
”You're almost jumping out of your chair.”
”Oh.” Jared's cheeks reddened a bit and Jensen thought that this was probably the only time Jensen had seen him so close to blushing. ”I didn't expect you to actually buy anything.”
”Why not?”
”You didn't seem comfortable talking about the subject let alone buying anything the first time out. I'm just surprised since you don't seem like...” Jared broke off in the middle of his sentence and turned his face away for a second. Jensen saw him worrying his lower lip between his teeth for a moment before Jared turned back to face him. ”Just didn't expect it,” he added lamely.
”You were about to say something else,” Jensen observed. ”What don't I seem like?”
”Nothing,” Jared shrugged clearly trying to appear like it wasn't a big deal which really made Jensen wonder. ”Just needed to rephrase.”
Jensen studied Jared's face. The tension in the room was odd, since they had always seemed to be at ease in each other's company. Even in the beginning when Jensen himself had been more closed off and careful with his words, it had been different. Jared had always seemed relaxed in any situation, so why would he freeze now like he was the one with embarrassing secrets.
”Could you just tell me?” Jensen asked.
Jared looked away. ”I just... You don't seem like a very experimental type of a guy. I thought that you might need a lot more time to try things that weren't in your comfort zone.”
Jensen was puzzled. That was it? He had actually thought that Jared would say something different. His body language had been so weirdly tense that Jensen had expected, well he didn't know exactly what, but something.
”Okay,” he finally said letting go of the subject. ”Maybe I'm not the type but I kinda got talked into buying a few things and thought that maybe I should just go with it. Man, the clerk was like scarily intense. I'd have probably bought anything from him. He could have sold like ice cubes to Inuits.”
”Where did you go?”
”Don't remember the shop's name. It's not far from here and I had driven past it coming here. Smallwillies? Or something equally stupid. But one of those places that are supposed to look like general supermarket's instead of sex stores.”
Jared smiled and it was his open, relaxed smile again. ”I know that place. The owner's kind of crazy but they have a good variety of things. So, what did you get?”
Jensen grinned, feeling bold enough to even tease a little. ”Isn't that between me and my toys?”
”And your counsellor,” Jared added in a light tone that seemed a bit too fake for Jensen's liking, but he decided to ignore it. Maybe Jared just had an off day and the weird mood would pass soon enough. Or maybe Jared had taken his teasing as flirting and was uncomfortable.
”I just got this DVD the guy in the store recommended,” Jensen started quickly. ”And then this, um, cock ring, because the guy said it'd be good for staying hard longer. Since my, um, problem really isn't getting hard but... you know.”
Jared's eyes bugged out and he actually leaned forward in his chair like an excited child who had been told that they would be going to Disneyworld. ”You actually told the guy?”
”No, but he said it while he was showing me some stuff,” Jensen explained smiling a bit as Jared seemed more like himself now. ”And then the last thing I got because he told me it was something that every guy should try at least once...” Jensen broke off and blushed. It was annoying how talking about sex things still got him to act like a teenager.
”What else?” Jared asked sounding more excited than his appearence let Jensen think.
”A dildo,” Jensen mumbled. ”A really thin one that's just like designed just for guys for prostate stimulation or something.”
”Really?”
”I don't even know if I'm going to use it,” Jensen said avoiding Jared's eager gaze. So much for Jared being the one feeling awkward for one reason or another. ”It just sounded like something that even straight guys should try and I don't know... I just wanted to get out of the store at that point.”
”Have you ever tried to stimulate your prostate? Or have you had anyone to do it for you?”
”No,” Jensen said. ”I don't even... The doc that did my physical when I first started seeing you checked it out and I don't really see how it would feel comfortable.”
”It can be really good. And I don't think a medical examination can compare because it's their job just to see if your prostate is normal. When you do it yourself or have a partner do it for you, it's not all about just pushing a finger in and feeling around,” Jared explained.
Jensen studied his expression while he spoke. He didn't want to admit it to himself really, but he was curious. Did Jared talk from experience?
”So, like, if I were to test the thing I got, what should I do?” Jensen asked before he could think it any further. Not that he felt at all comfortable asking Jared for directions on how to use something like that, but he really couldn't ask anyone else. ”Or don't tell me. I can just google it or something.”
Jared laughed. ”You don't have to be embarrassed.”
”I'm not,” Jensen said defensively even if he felt his ears burn.
Jared raised an eyebrow and smiled at him. His body language was more familiar and relaxed now, and even if Jensen actually felt embarrassed as hell, he enjoyed the fact that Jared seemed to be back in the game. ”Really?”
Jensen crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. ”So, if you were to give me tips what would they be?”
”Do you have good lube?” Jared asked. ”I pref... recommend silicone based. It doesn't dry up so you don't have to add more in the middle.”
”Yeah,” Jensen nodded looking away. Had Jared almost slipped and said it was what he preferred? ”Or that's what the guy in the store said.”
”Use plenty, and start slow. If you feel tense and can't relax, try again some other time. Best way to start is with one finger to get yourself used to the feeling of being penetrated. Do you know where the prostate is located?” Jared gave Jensen a moment to nod. ”Good. So you can try crooking your finger a bit and just feeling around. You'll know when you hit the right spot. Most people seem to like to use a few fingers, so you can test out what feels comfortable for you. You can scissor your fingers a bit to get yourself more relaxed and used to the sensation. You may want to get up to three fingers before trying to insert the toy depending how wide it is. Does it have a flared bottom?”
”What?” Jensen choked out. He hadn't really understood the question as he had been listening to the sound of Jared's voice instead of what he was saying. And he had to pull his eyes up from Jared's long fingers which he hadn't even noticed he had been looking at. At least he hadn't actually thought about what they'd feel like inside him.
”The toy,” Jared said patiently, his eyes twinkling a bit. ”Is it wider at the base?”
”Why?” Jensen's mouth felt dry and he had to shake his head a bit to clear his thoughts.
”Any anally used toys should be wider at the base so that it doesn't accidentally slip fully inside you,” Jared smiled. ”Saves you from the embarrassment of going to the ER and getting it removed. Even if you think you can hold it, the lube will make it really difficult to keep a good grip on it, especially if you try holding it steady through an orgasm.”
”Oh,” Jensen finally caught on and had to clear his throat before answering. His mind had already moved on from Jared's fingers to the fact that Jared knew it was hard to hold on to a lube slicked toy. From there he'd gone to a thought of Jared on his back with his long legs open while he used one.
”And?” Jared looked at him expectantly.
”The guy at the store said it's just for anal use and it's supposed to be perfectly safe.”
”Good,” Jared smiled. ”I have this friend I used to be roommates with, who I once had to take to the ER when he got a vegetable stuck inside him. Never told me which one, but let me tell you, even if he's the craziest fucker I know, he was so red I thought that he'd actually turn into a beetroot.”
Jensen laughed, feeling glad that someone else had way more awkward problems than the ones he had.
That night Jensen brought out the toy and sat on his bed for the longest time just staring at it. Even if it was almost the smallest thing he had seen in the store, it still looked too big to actually fit inside him. He tried to remind himself that even an average sized cock would be bigger and if someone could have one of those inside them regularly, the thin toy wouldn't be so bad. Finally he sighed heavily and got up to take a shower.
He lingered on his cock for a while, wondering if he would be more relaxed if he got off first, but decided against it. Maybe, if it felt really good, he'd come while using the dildo. Even if he chickened out and just pushed the thing back into its box, he could still jerk off later. He tried to distract himself by concentrating on washing himself extra good and managed not to think about it for a whole minute while washing his hair. While he soaped himself with body wash, his mind lingered back on the toy and he let his fingers wander around until he was slowly circling his hole. It seemed so small under his fingertips, but he could feel blood rushing to his cock as he rubbed gently on the sensitive skin. Maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal to give the toy a try?
After his shower he dried himself off and got straight into bed. He wondered if he should lay a towel under himself to try and keep the lube from getting on the sheets, but it felt too ridiculous. After all it was a big bed. Maybe if he just stayed on the one side he could sleep on the other if there was a wet spot after. He wondered idly on the fact that if he tried out the toy with someone else, one of them would end up sleeping in the wet spot. Or they'd have to cuddle up on the dry side.
Snickering slightly at his own stupidness he laid down and unscrewed the lid from the lube. It was cold going on his fingers and he hissed as he touched behind his balls. He brought his knees up to gain better access, and imitated the movements he had used in the shower, just slightly circling his hole. When the slick touch of his fingers didn't feel so odd anymore and the lube had warmed up a bit against his skin he pressed the pad of his middle finger against his hole and pushed gently. It slid inside more easily than he had expected, the lube making his passage slippery to touch. He kept the finger still for a moment, just barely in and it surprised him how it didn't really feel uncomfortable, just a little weird. He pushed in deeper and it burned just a tiny bit as he got almost the whole finger in. He remembered Jared's advise on crooking his finger and as he did, he almost instantly hit the right spot.
”Oh Damn,” Jensen muttered aloud.
If he had known it would feel like this he'd have tried this out a long time ago. He hastily added a second finger and gasped as the burn and pressure doubled. If felt more uncomfortable than just the one finger, but it also felt better. He dug his heels in to the mattress trying to angle his hips so that he'd hit his prostate in every shaky slide in. The whole position was straining his muscles and he absently wondered what difference it would make if his fingers were just a tad bit longer, like Jared's his subconscious happily supplied. He felt himself get harder at the image of Jared's long fingers fucking him open.
Jensen shook his head to get rid of the image and grabbed the toy in his free hand. He pulled his fingers out of himself and found the lube where it laid dismissed on the bed. He added some on his fingers and slicked it over the shiny toy. He bit his lip as he angled the toy against his opening and opened his mouth with a moan when he finally slid it in. It felt really different from his fingers. The smooth texture made it easy to slide it in and out without a notable burn and somehow Jensen found himself missing it. He had never really imagined how a cock would feel inside but for a fleeting second he wondered if it would be more like his fingers had felt. If the texture would be rougher than the smoothness of the toy.
To banish any real thoughts of getting actually fucked he turned the switch in the base on the toy and it suddenly came to life inside him. It was like lightning striking inside him as he angled the vibrating piece of plastic and silicone against his prostate. He panted open-mouthed and he had to close his eyes as all of his concentration fell to the small place inside him that seemed to send sparks everywhere. Hazily he realized that he hadn't touched his cock at all and the wet feeling on his stomach was precum that was dribbling from his rock hard cock that eagerly twitched against his stomach. He hadn't been this close to coming without touching his cock since his teenage years and as he wrapped his hand around himself he let out a groan that sounded too much like Jared's name on his lips. He turned the vibrating up a notch with his other hand and thought that he would black out as he came hard.
The next time Jensen went to Jared's office he met smiling Katie in the waiting room. She was reading something with her feet kicked up on the desk and she blushed slightly as she hid a magazine behind her back and dropped her feet.
”Don't worry,” Jensen laughed trying to peer over her back to see what she had been reading. ”I won't say anything.”
”Good,” she said turning to the computer. ”Do you have an appointment?”
”Yeah,” Jensen nodded.
”Haven't seen you for a while,” she said sweetly, more small talk than anything else. ”Did you stop coming for a while?”
”No,” Jensen turned his face away from her. ”Thursday's fit into my schedule better and you're not working then so we haven't run into each other lately.” He really didn't want to admit that he really liked it the best when Jared was the only person around, even if he could trust Katie not to intrude on Jared's sessions with his patients.
”Well, nice to see you again,” Katie said. ”How have you been?”
”All right, I guess,” Jensen said. ”You?”
Katie's smile turned up to a million watts. ”Awesome.”
That was when Jared's door opened and a couple came out holding hands. They both looked happy and Jared was smiling pleasantly. ”See Katie for the next appointment if you want one, but I'm sure you could take a few weeks off and then maybe see me once or twice to get some pointers for the future.”
The couple thanked Jared and Jensen could see the guy looking a little embarrassed as he noticed Jensen standing by Katie's desk. Jensen tried to look reassuring, after all, they both were here for the same thing, right?
The couple moved to Katie and Jared asked Jensen inside.
”So, what's up?” Jared asked as Jensen settled in his usual chair.
Jensen had to smile at Jared as Jared sat opposite him. He had been in such a good mood the last few days and knew that he'd have to tell Jared's about it. On the way to Jared's office he had been sort of jittery, thinking about what he had done multiple times now and decided that he'd have to be honest about it to Jared, but he'd really need to leave out the fact that his mind had slipped to Jared most times he had been playing with his new toy. Maybe it was something that would pass. Jared had been such a huge part of anything that he's done sexually in a while that maybe it was natural to insert him in his fantasies now?
”I actually tried out the toy,” Jensen said. ”And I never would have imagined, but I really liked it.”
Jared's eyes lit up and he looked at Jensen intently, Jensen could see him swallow and then moisten his dry lips with the tip of his tongue. For some really irrational reason Jensen felt exposed, but it faded as Jared seemed to relax again and asked in his usual tone, ”How did you play with it?”
Jensen watched Jared's expression, all relaxed and full of neutral interest. For a while there Jensen would have bet money that Jared was into the fact that Jensen had tried the toy. Jensen felt the familiar warmth of arousal rush through him at the tiniest thought that maybe Jared had pictured him using the toy.
Jensen rolled his shoulders back slowly, trying to concentrate on the movement and forget thinking about Jared like that. ”I tried first with my fingers and then with the toy.”
”Where did you do it?” Jared asked.
”On my bed,” Jensen answered, his tongue felt thick and heavy. It seemed suddenly hard to speak clearly.
”Tell me,” Jared said in a slight tone, but there was unmistakable heat in his eyes now and Jensen wondered if he had read Jared right the first time.
”I took it out of it's box and took a shower. Wondered if I should use it all,” Jensen started. ”But I did. I laid on the bed on my back and massaged myself with one finger at first.”
”How did it feel?” Jared asked.
”Different. Weird,” Jensen let the words roll off his tongue. ”Hot. And tight. And when I went deeper it burned.”
”Did you pull back then?” Jared asked, his accent thick in his words.
”No, I...” Jensen had to swallow. ”I liked it. The burn. And the stretch. I wanted more, so I used two fingers and the pleasurable feeling intensified.”
”Did you touch your prostate?” Jared asked. Jensen could hear the same breathiness in his voice than he knew was evident in his own.
”Yes, and it was... It was more than I had expected. Better than I could have ever imagined,” Jensen spoke and felt his cock swell as the thought of how the touch of his fingers had felt.
”Yeah,” Jared said and Jensen's eyes fell onto his lap. He could see that Jared was getting hard, too, and his mouth watered. He had never thought about sucking cock, but now that was exactly what came to his mind. ”When did you bring out the toy?”
Jared's voice distracted Jensen and he was quiet for a moment before answering. ”After I had been using my fingers for a while.”
”How did it feel? Did it feel different than your fingers?”
At this point Jared could have said anything and it would have had an effect on Jensen's cock. He had no idea how they had gone directly into what felt like foreplay, instead of discussing things like they had done in the past. Had it always been this way? Jensen was having a problem remembering at the moment if there had actually been a time he had been in Jared's company without feeling some sort of sexual tension.
”It was smooth, maybe too smooth. When I turned it on it felt good. I was so hard that I was dripping and I hadn't even touched my cock once,” Jensen said, now more aware of his voice going lower and him feeling out of breath. He wanted to stop, but he couldn't as he saw how his words were having an affect on Jared too.
”And when I finally touched my cock,” Jensen continued. ”It was like... I can't even describe it. It was amazing.”
The air in the room felt thick and Jensen couldn't take his eyes off Jared. He could see the arousal in the other man's face as clear as he could feel it in his own body. Then the part of the story that he swore he was going to keep to himself, fell out of his mouth before he could stop it.
”I thought about you. The whole time. Wanted your fingers..., thought about what your cock would feel like stretching me wide,” Jensen almost panted, he felt so hot all over. God he hoped he was right to say it aloud.
Then he could see Jared's eyes narrow and in one smooth movement Jared pushed himself out of the chair and wrapped his huge hand behind Jensen's neck. He slid it up to the base of Jensen's skull before pulling him closer and kissing him roughly. Jensen tried to back out for a full three seconds, the panic finally setting in, before Jared bit slightly into his lower lip.
”Just let me,” Jared hissed and let go of Jensen's lip, pulling back just enough to let their eyes meet for just a split second before Jensen had to look away. Even with his face turned to the side he could still feel Jared watching him with his hazel eyes gone dark with want. Jared's breath felt burning hot against Jensen's cheek as he rasped: ”So fucking hot. Wanted you for so long... Been imagining this moment over and over for weeks.”
Jensen's head snapped back and he just barely caught Jared's eyes before Jared's warm mouth was back against his. Jared's fingers were rubbing his neck keeping him there and Jared's other hand was already tugging on Jensen's belt. He moaned against Jensen's mouth as he broke the kiss for just a second. Jensen felt dizzy and he tumbled out of his chair against Jared. His knees throbbed when they hit the hard floor but Jensen didn't really mind as Jared had slid down to the floor with him.
They knelt there pressed together, mouths still against one another. Jensen knew that if he wanted to freak about all this he should do it now before they had a chance to take it further. Despite the fear twisting his belly he know that stopping was the last thing he wanted to do. Jensen had to close his eyes as Jared's big hands tugged his pants open. He slid one huge hand inside Jensen’s dress pants and wrapped it around Jensen’s cock pulling at it. Jensen felt how his erection grew in Jared's hand and his heartbeat shot up.
Just when the first edge of the familiar panic began to grow in his gut, Jared was suddenly turning him around and biting into the back of his neck like he had known. Jared tugged Jensen's dress pants and boxers down his thighs and pushed him against one of the chairs. Jensen couldn't even think when Jared started to jerk him in the new angle. He could only feel the rough touch of Jared's jeans on his skin.
Jensen bit on his lip trying to be quiet as he suddenly remembered that Katie was right outside the door. He knew Jared locked it during the sessions, but he really didn't want Katie to hear anything.
”Don't worry,” Jared moaned against the back of Jensen's neck like he guessed why Jensen tensed up. ”She won't hear anything. The office is practically soundproof to prevent any waiting patients from hearing ongoing sessions.”
Jensen could feel Jared's other hand working his own zipper open and a moment later Jared's hard cock pressed right against his ass before slipping between his thighs. Jensen tensed at the touch closing his eyes but relaxed a bit when he heard Jared's voice again.
”Relax. I'm not going to fuck you,” Jared said huskily. ”Just want to feel your skin.”
His hand was still working steadily on Jensen's cock and his hips moved to that rhythm. Jensen could feel the wet slip and slide of Jared's cock lodged between his thighs and the warmth of Jared's thighs pressing against his. Jared's free hand stroked over the length of his back and he arched into the touch.
”Put your legs together,” Jared told him and Jensen tried to drag his knees closed.
He could hear Jared moaning softly as the pressure around his cock tightened. They moved together now, Jensen making jerky thrusts into Jared's tight fist and Jared rubbing his cock between Jensen's thighs.
It was over as soon it had begun. Jensen dropped against the chair as he came hard and Jared followed only seconds later, spilling between Jensen's thighs. They were a mess, but Jensen didn't really care. In his after-orgasm haze he realised that even if it wasn't anything other than Jared jerking him, he hadn't even come close to losing his erection in the middle.
Part 3