It's been quite some time...
I shall cut this... just like I cut...myself.....
JUST LETTING YOU KNOW: TRIGGERS MAAAJOR TRIGGERS UNDER THE CUT:
yes. That happened. I'm in such a mood right now. My arm's quite beautiful, though. The deep red, contrasted to my porcelain skin. (Yes, I am white. I'm allergic to sunlight, believe it or not.) It is quite a sight, shocking, yet... It feels like I belong that way. I'm just, tired.
I want someone to reach out to. I feel like, I'm soo fucked up. The people I have, I don't want to go to, because I know they will tell me it's not worth it, blah blah-fuckety-blah. . .
I took a bath... Trying to calm myself. Trying not to cut. But... The worst thing possible happened....
SHE walked in. The door was FUCKING LOCKED. She walked in, to see me,
bare,
in the tub.
She just stood there for a moment, shocked? I couldn't place her face. . . She was just staring at my body.
And then she said, quietly... "oh.."
Stood there for a moment, still staring... And then backed out of the doorway, and closed the door in front of her.
She was the worst. My other cousin apologised. He did.
She didn't.
I think the worst thing is that she doesn't even acknowledge the fact that she did what she did.
I'm thinking. . . Soon, I just need to leave.
My bed fits perfectly in the back of my stationwagon.
Let's see how far half of a 17 gallon tank will get me.... How far away from here can I get?
Can I just live in my car...?
It'd be preferable to living in the same house as my offenders.
Nobody understands the deep, lasting scars that they left me.
Nobody understands that most of every reason that I fear anything, is not from Matt.
It's not from the 3 years of abuse.
it's not from having fucking schizophrenia!
It's from them... can you believe that?
And so, tonight, I made art, all over my arms.
I dared to stoop into that. This is the sweetest. Sweeter than the thighs. The wrist just... Looks amazing. it's so flawless, my skin. Not like my thighs, huge... Chun-Li thighs made of nasty fat. Covered in scars, some hilarious stories about my mental breakdowns.
I want to just check myself into the hospital. And never leave.
ever.
I was just starting to enjoy my life. Started a secret engagement, with my best friend. I know that, though, if we were found out, it would be the Salem Witch Trials, all over again. Hell, they called HIM a paedo, and told him to leave the church. Now they are calling ME one. I'm all.... Are you fucking KIDDING ME!!!
I was MOLESTED... RAPED..... ETC ETC... ANY-FUCKING-THING you can IMAGINE happening to a child.... HAPPENED TO FUCKING ME!!!!
Do you think that I, OF ALL PEOPLE, would become a fucking lesbian-paedophile... who preyed upon a mentally unstable girl in our church. No.
Heaven is... She is so amazing.
she is my mini me. I don't understand why they would say those things about me.
I don't understand many people lately.
The only thing that is keeping me going is the fact that One day, when she turns 18, and her parents (who aren't even her real parents.... oh I could tell horror fucking stories about them...) when they can't say anything about it,
Her and I are going to get in my stationwagon... and we are going to leave here and never ever ever ever turn around to look back. We hate it here.
Ehh... I'm going to go lie under my blankets and pop another vein or two open. B is my ride to the church in the morning.
I don't want to even see her. I want to just be riding the waves of artificial endorphins... Looks like I'm gonna have to cut my way out of this situation.
God, I'm so screwed up. . . . :|
JUST LETTING YOU KNOW: TRIGGERS MAAAJOR TRIGGERS UNDER THE CUT:
yes. That happened. I'm in such a mood right now. My arm's quite beautiful, though. The deep red, contrasted to my porcelain skin. (Yes, I am white. I'm allergic to sunlight, believe it or not.) It is quite a sight, shocking, yet... It feels like I belong that way. I'm just, tired.
I want someone to reach out to. I feel like, I'm soo fucked up. The people I have, I don't want to go to, because I know they will tell me it's not worth it, blah blah-fuckety-blah. . .
I took a bath... Trying to calm myself. Trying not to cut. But... The worst thing possible happened....
SHE walked in. The door was FUCKING LOCKED. She walked in, to see me,
bare,
in the tub.
She just stood there for a moment, shocked? I couldn't place her face. . . She was just staring at my body.
And then she said, quietly... "oh.."
Stood there for a moment, still staring... And then backed out of the doorway, and closed the door in front of her.
She was the worst. My other cousin apologised. He did.
She didn't.
I think the worst thing is that she doesn't even acknowledge the fact that she did what she did.
I'm thinking. . . Soon, I just need to leave.
My bed fits perfectly in the back of my stationwagon.
Let's see how far half of a 17 gallon tank will get me.... How far away from here can I get?
Can I just live in my car...?
It'd be preferable to living in the same house as my offenders.
Nobody understands the deep, lasting scars that they left me.
Nobody understands that most of every reason that I fear anything, is not from Matt.
It's not from the 3 years of abuse.
it's not from having fucking schizophrenia!
It's from them... can you believe that?
And so, tonight, I made art, all over my arms.
I dared to stoop into that. This is the sweetest. Sweeter than the thighs. The wrist just... Looks amazing. it's so flawless, my skin. Not like my thighs, huge... Chun-Li thighs made of nasty fat. Covered in scars, some hilarious stories about my mental breakdowns.
I want to just check myself into the hospital. And never leave.
ever.
I was just starting to enjoy my life. Started a secret engagement, with my best friend. I know that, though, if we were found out, it would be the Salem Witch Trials, all over again. Hell, they called HIM a paedo, and told him to leave the church. Now they are calling ME one. I'm all.... Are you fucking KIDDING ME!!!
I was MOLESTED... RAPED..... ETC ETC... ANY-FUCKING-THING you can IMAGINE happening to a child.... HAPPENED TO FUCKING ME!!!!
Do you think that I, OF ALL PEOPLE, would become a fucking lesbian-paedophile... who preyed upon a mentally unstable girl in our church. No.
Heaven is... She is so amazing.
she is my mini me. I don't understand why they would say those things about me.
I don't understand many people lately.
The only thing that is keeping me going is the fact that One day, when she turns 18, and her parents (who aren't even her real parents.... oh I could tell horror fucking stories about them...) when they can't say anything about it,
Her and I are going to get in my stationwagon... and we are going to leave here and never ever ever ever turn around to look back. We hate it here.
Ehh... I'm going to go lie under my blankets and pop another vein or two open. B is my ride to the church in the morning.
I don't want to even see her. I want to just be riding the waves of artificial endorphins... Looks like I'm gonna have to cut my way out of this situation.
God, I'm so screwed up. . . . :|