You're hidden deep in my heart (Dan/Blair) R
Title: You’re hidden deep in my heart.
Rating: R
Pairing: Dan/Blair
Word Count: 4,146
Spoilers: Everything up to S4 finale
Summary: Takes place after the finale. Dan POV.
The Hamptons - July
”Another brunette?” Eric says as he wanders into the kitchen, strategically timing is arrival for when the latest Humphrey conquest had left the building.
”What?”
“I said, another brunette? Like that must be the third, fourth one?”
“I hadn’t really noticed.” Dan says, busying himself with the dishwasher. He turns and looks accusingly at Eric, “Anyway, I’m just getting back out there you know. Weren’t you spouting platitudes at me when we got here? Plenty more fish in the sea, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone?”
“I’m just surprised you took my advice so whole-heartedly. And that you have developed a taste for brunettes.” Eric tries to hide his smirk.
“I think Kate is actually more of a chestnut blonde.” Dan says in total seriousness.
“Right. So will you be seeing her again?”
“I don’t know. She’s kind of laid-back you know? Agrees with everything I say.”
“Sounds awful.”
“No, I mean she doesn’t challenge me. It’s like she doesn’t have an opinion of her own.”
“Maybe she does actually agree with everything you say.”
“Hmm. Which makes me wonder about her judgment as well.” Dan replies.
Eric just smiles and heads up to his room.
From: Blair Waldorf
To: Dan Humphrey
Subject: The Fabulous Baker Boys
Dan,
Ok, it has a certain charm. I give you that. Michelle Pfeiffer before the Botox, and Jeff Bridges before the weight gain. And the ending - open to interpretation. Clever yet frustrating. It just had moments of…Hollywood. I would have thought your misguided superior tastes would have rejected it, or was it just an excuse to see Michelle on the piano? I liked the love story. Everyone is broken and trying to fix each other but not quite succeeding.
I don’t know why you keep asking me how I am. I am about to be a princess and have everyone at my beck and call. I’m living the dream. Honestly, I am more concerned about you. Please tell me you have packed your psycho spray. I think it’s only a matter of time before you or Nate meet your untimely demise on a third date. You should get Eric to screen prospective lovers. That is if you’re dating. Which I assume you are. There are an unhealthy proportion of desperate women in the Hamptons.
Blair
P.S. I will be returning to New York earlier than planned. So if you feel like dropping by and telling me about your summer and attempts at literary fame - (you are still writing aren’t you?) I could do with a laugh.
To: Blair Waldorf
From: Dan Humphrey
Subject: Re. The Fabulous Baker Boys
Princess B,
It’s a modern day classic! And honestly, my choice had nothing to do with Michelle Pfeiffer on a piano. Absolutely nothing. I hated the ending. I appreciated it but hated it. Broken people huh? Pfeiffer certainly was bruised, but I think she just wanted a man to love and respect her. She was tough as nails. Reminds me of a certain someone. Although you of course have that man now.
It’s kind of you to concern yourself with my dating habits. But do not fear, I am confident I can spot an unhinged woman from at least 500 metres away. Although I am not really dating, or writing for that matter. My inspiration seems to be gone. Maybe I was never cut out to be a writer, I could see myself being perfectly content owning a small café/book shop, making award-winning coffee and reading great books in-between serving customers.
I may drop by and see you on your return, and if my life provides something for you to laugh at - well I aim to please. Will Louis be coming back with you? I assume yes? Or maybe he has official duty. Forget I asked.
Dan.
From: Blair Waldorf
To: Dan Humphrey
Subject: Re: Re: The Fabulous Baker Boys
Are you insane? You want to let go of your life-long ambition of literary success to be…Ellen? Honestly, Humphrey, I worry about your decisions when I am not there to guide you. The next thing you will be telling me is that you don’t prefer blondes.
Don’t be an idiot. You can string a sentence together as well as anyone. You’d be a fool to waste that on making low-grade coffee. And that is the closest I am ever going to come to complimenting your writing in writing, so you may want to print this out and frame it.
Louis is staying back in Monaco for some business when I travel to New York. To be honest, I am looking forward to having some me time and being back in New York. And it is kind of you to offer up your daily tribulations for my enjoyment. You’re a true friend. I land on the Monday, so you can drop by anytime after that. But call first. I may be doing something much more important. But you know, still feel free to try your luck and just drop by. It will be nice to see a familiar face - even if it is yours.
B.
To: Blair Waldorf
From: Dan Humphrey
Subject: The Truth (draft)
Is it strange that I can’t wait to see you? That I re-read every word of your emails as if they have some hidden meaning, and smile at your insults as if they are terms of endearment only I can understand? So I guess I am admitting to myself that I like you. A lot. And most of the time it makes me feel…something good. But other times I feel miserable Blair. And that’s when I know it’s real and it scares the shit out of me. I will never send this to you but I like to write it down. It makes it feel real. Because otherwise I do wonder whether it was real. We did bond didn’t we? Over coffee, ballerinas at the Morgan, Nanette? Or am I imagining the flirting, the looks? I don’t know. Because you’re engaged to another man who you hardly know and I thought you knew me. And we did kiss didn’t we? Because I sometimes think I imagined that as well. And it was a good kiss, even though it made you think of someone else. At the time we were kissing you were only thinking of me. I’m sure of it. But lately, I’m not so sure. It’s like those months never happened and we suddenly have a friendship that has come from nowhere. So that’s why I need to write this down, so I know it was real. And it happened. Because it is not something I can tell anyone about. And really, the only person I want to talk to about it is you.
D.
Manhattan, August
Dan tries to maintain a dignified level of speed whilst walking to the Warldorf residency, but ends up half-way between a jog and hurried walk. So the opposite of dignified then. He tries to think when he was this excited to see a girl, and it must have been the first few months with Serena. He checks his reflection in a store window as he nears her street. He had gone with beige trousers, and a short sleeved white shirt. He really shouldn’t be looking forward to this as much as he was. It was nothing more than an opportunity to hear about her wedding plans to another man whilst simultaneously getting insulted about his fashion and writing choices, and probably being made to work for her in some way. But Dan would take what he could get.
He had gone through quite a few women in the Hamptons this summer but none of them had managed to make him forget. Either they were too nice, or bitchy in the wrong way, too naïve or too jaded without a good enough reason. Serena had made a flying visit to the Hamptons to spend a weekend with Eric and they had ended up in bed together. It was awkward and familiar all at once. They had agreed it was a one-off relapse not to be repeated anytime soon but Serena had looked wistful. And it made him think of Blair, and how complicated it would be if they ever…
“She’s marrying another man.” He says out loud to himself. He should really repeat that at least 10 times a day. He enters the building and tries to remember how this used to feel.
---
“She said you can go up.” Dorota tells him with a small smile.
Dan takes the stairs at a moderate pace, aware of Dorota’s eyes on him. He sees that Blair’s door is open and he peers around, and sees no-one but hears noise from the bathroom.
“Warldorf! The court jester has arrived.”
“Humphrey. Sit on the bed, I’ll be out in a minute.”
She walks out in a white sun dress, and her hair is lightened by the sun and a little unkempt. Dan hardly ever thinks of Blair in terms of physical beauty. It’s because it’s the least of her qualities. She is more interesting than that. But sometimes, like now, he is reminded of how beautiful she is.
“Welcome back.”
“Thank you, it feels good to be home.”
“You look nice.”
“Nice?”
“Better adjective?”
“Please.”
“Ok. You look like a summer’s day.”
“Too trite.”
“You’re the only woman I know who makes giving a compliment this hard.”
“You’re getting worse.”
“Ok. Let’s see. You look well-rested. And happy, almost care-free. And very pretty.”
The last part comes out a little different to the rest of the sentence. His voice had lowered involuntarily and it was totally sincere. And they are staring at each other too long. Someone has to make a joke soon.
“And you call yourself a writer?”
“I have my moments.” But they are smiling at each other and it feels like something which it isn’t.
--
Manhattan, September.
“So, when is Louis getting here?”
“On Thursday.”
They are strolling through the park, coffees in hand. He can see guys checking out Blair and then eyes moving sideways towards him thinking that she’s his. He moves closer to her to cement the assumption and tries not to think of how pathetic his life has become.
“How did you get over losing Milo?”
And Dan is thrown but answers anyway, “I didn’t.”
“Oh.”
They continue walking and Dan is watching her out of the corner of his eye.
“Was it a relief when Georgina took him back? I mean it must have been difficult for you looking after him alone. It was a baby after all.”
“Well. I guess it was in some way. It was nice to get my life back. My future back. But I missed him.”
“Did you feel guilty about feeling relieved?”
“Sometimes. But I understood that it was a normal reaction. It didn’t make me a horrible person.” And he says the last part looking at her.
“Why the sudden interest in Milo?” he asks not expecting an answer.
“No reason.” She replies, not disappointing.
--
Louis returns and Dan tries not to spend every day in some kind of communication with Blair. It is becoming more and more painful and he is also aware that he needs to re-start his life. He decides that expanding his circle of friends would be a good start. He joins a writers circle at NYU which seems to spend most meetings at an Irish pub getting inspiration through the beer on tap. He starts to gravitate away from the UES, but still ends up seeing Blair on a regular basis. They re-visit museums and galleries and Blair complains less about ending up at random eateries on the wrong side of town.
He is meeting her at Veselka one Monday afternoon in September when she arrives in a foul mood which he can’t even tease her out of. His gentle mocking falls flat and she just glares at him, whilst poking her food.
“Have I done something to offend you?”
“What?”
“You’ve hardly spoken two words to me and when you do it’s to be a total bitch.”
Her head snaps to attention. He rarely uses the b word and she clenches her fist in response.
“Why are we friends?” she asks him.
“What?”
“I don’t even know why I am friends with you. All you do is act like you’re better than me but you’re not.”
“When have I ever acted like I am better than you?”
“I thought that we were both moving forward with our lives. Leaving past mistakes behind.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“How long will you hang around before jumping back into bed with Serena?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” But he already knows.
“I spoke to Serena this weekend. She mentioned your hook-up in the summer. She seemed to think it was the start of something.”
Dan feels his face flush and he bites back the apology that his mouth wants to blurt out.
“Not that it’s relevant, or any of your business, but that was a mistake. A one-time mistake. I didn’t realize I would be judged so harshly for falling back into the arms of an ex by you of all people.”
Blair’s face goes pale and Dan could swear she is about to hit him.
“Did Serena tell you?”
“What? About you and Chuck having one last goodbye before you left for Monaco?”
“Don’t judge me.”
“I’m not judging you. Trust me.” And the edge from his voice fades, and it becomes more tired. “I just don’t understand why it had to be him. Why you had to cheat with him.”
“Who else would I cheat with?” and she says it so sincerely that Dan realizes she really has no idea. And since he is not going to declare himself anytime soon, he should just spare himself the heartbreak and stay away.
“I think we should take a break.”
“Humphrey, you are making less sense than usual.”
“This. Us. I think we are spending too much time together. Look at today. We are fighting over things not worth fighting over. Maybe we just need to re-group separately and come back together.”
“Are you breaking up as my friend?”
Dan rolls his eyes.
“It’s a break. You can spend more time with Louis. I can spend more time with, whatever it is I spend time with. We will come back refreshed and ready for another round of finely tuned witticisms and barbed insults.”
Blair softens. “I’m sorry about bringing Serena up. I don’t know why I was so annoyed. I just thought that you had moved past that. I thought that we had both moved past former lovers. Maybe I was transferring.”
“It’s ok that you were jealous.” He teases.
“Stay delusional Humphrey.” She snorts back but there is a smile in her eyes.
“So, I guess I’ll see you around.”
“I guess so. Don’t drink too much Guinness. It’s not good for the limited brain cells you have. You should protect them like they endangered species that they are.” And with that she gets up and walks out, lightly brushing his arm on the way out. Dan resists the ever-present urge to grab her hand and pull her towards him. Instead he lifts his hand to her in a mock salute.
--
Manhattan, October
Dan is drunk. And it feels so damn good. He thinks he should get drunk more often. Or just be drunk always. Whoever says it dulls the pain was a genius. A GENIUS! It totally does. What is pain he thinks, if it’s not just being in a state of sobriety. He has been talking all night to a girl from NYU called Amy. They are at the Irish pub and it’s a Friday, he thinks. He is not entirely sure. Maybe it’s a Monday. Definitely a weeknight.
“So this girl. Why haven’t you told her how you feel?” And so what if he has been talking about Blair all night? It’s been mostly to say how over her he is.
“I’m so over her.” He says
“You just told me you thought you were in love with her.”
“Yesterday. Today I’m over her.”
“Does she like someone else?”
“She is getting married to the Prince of Monaco.”
“Oh-kay.”
“Yeah. It’s complicated.”
“Or not true. One of the two. I’m trying to figure out which.”
“I wish it wasn’t true. It would mean I didn’t stay up at night planning ways to stop a Royal Wedding.”
“I thought you said you were over her.”
“I’m in love with her. It’s like a disease. Most of the time I want to develop some kind of amnesia. I used to really hate her you know. I wish I could go back to that.”
Amy is looking at him. He knows that look. It’s pity. He has seen many people use it on him in recent weeks.
“You seem like a nice guy. And she seems like she is the most unattainable unattainable girl. Maybe you should cut your losses.”
“I have to call her.”
“Or you could drunk-dial her.”
He takes out his phone and manages to speed-dial Blair.
“If I was a friend of yours I would totally take the phone out of your hands right now. But as it is, I think I’m going to sit back and enjoy.” Amy says and leans her head against the wall.
Dan hears the phone ring and ring before going to voicemail.
He tries to speak normally, “Hey Blair. I just thought I’d call and see how you are. I know it’s late but I was thinking of you. This is Dan by the way. Anyway, I think you’re great. I know what you’re thinking, better adjective Humphrey. So, I actually think you’re amazing. The way you insult me turns me on way more than it should. You’re more intelligent than me, which is so hot. And you’re funny. You may be the funniest person I know. And secretly you’re caring and kind. But I know that’s a secret so I won’t tell anyone. And God, sometimes I look at you and you are so fucking gorgeous I can’t comprehend how it’s possible. Like how can you be all of that and so beautiful. Um. I guess I just wanted to tell you that. As a friend. I think we should get back together as friends. I’ve kind of lost my way without your iron hand guiding me. So. I hope this wasn’t awkward. I can’t really remember what I just said. I’m a little tipsy. Not drunk though. So, goodnight Blair. And.” Amy grabs the phone out of his hands.
“That was heartfelt and beautiful. Whatever you were going to say after the And would have been overkill.”
Dan smiles at her before passing out in his chair.
--
Dan wakes up and smells flowers. He looks around the room and spots Eric leaning against the kitchen table of the loft.
“Good morning sunshine.”
“What is this hell?”
“I believe it is called morning. And being sober.”
“Oh God. Where did you find me?”
“Here?”
“Thank God. I have no recollection of how I got home but I choose to believe that is nature’s way of blocking out trauma.”
“So, big night?”
“Oh fuck.”
“What?”
“I want to die. I think I called Blair last night. After I had drunk my body weight in beer.”
“Oh no.”
“Let me just go back to sleep and when I wake up it will all be a dream.”
“Ok, I hope that works out for you. I just dropped by to remind you that my mum is throwing her nearly out of house arrest party tonight. Dress smart.”
“Will Blair be there?”
“I’ll make sure of it.”
“I thought you were my friend?”
But Eric only laughs and Dan closes his eyes again.
--
Dan is in the elevator up to the penthouse. He has decided to go with absolute denial and just outright lying. It’s a tactic he thinks Blair would approve of.
He sees her as soon as he walks in. She is in a black dress and her hair is up in a ponytail. It only serves to accentuate her perfect features and it reminds him of how she used to look at Constance. She is talking to Lily and he also spots Serena talking to Nate. He sees his father mixing a drink and he feels totally alone.
Blair spots him and strolls over. Dan is sure he is sweating. He starts his carefully rehearsed speech.
“So, I think I got abducted by aliens last night. It was like something from a bad episode of the X-files. There might have been an anal probe involved.”
“I have no interest in hearing how you and Nate spend your evenings.”
“I just wanted to let you know, in case anything strange happened to you, which involved me. It was probably Pod Dan.”
“You’re talking like a lunatic.”
“So you didn’t hear from me last night? No messages?”
“No, I didn’t receive a message from you from the Galaxy.”
She is looking at him strangely, not that Dan blames her.
“Was that all you wanted to tell me?”
“Yes. I think I’m going to lie down.”
“Better lie on your back. Just to be sure.” She walks off with a frown and Dan rubs his eyes.
He walks upstairs to one of the guest bedrooms and lies on the bed. There is still a dull ache in his head and he rubs his temple. He is flat on his back and he spreads his legs and arms, lying there spread-eagled. He closes his eyes and tries to will this night away.
At some point he feels the bed spring down beside him and he looks over and sees Blair lying on her back next to him. His heart is beating out of his chest and he just lies still, hoping that whatever is going to happen will be over quickly. That she will be merciful.
He feels fingers thread through his and he grasps her hand. They lie like that for a while before Dan gets the courage to turn to face her, lying sideways. She moves at the same time and they are facing each other, still holding hands.
“I got your message.” Blair says, fixing him with a look. It is soft and serious at the same time.
She moves her free hand to cup his cheek and then they are kissing. He pulls her towards him, tight against his body. She slips a leg in between his and he sucks on her tongue. Blair gasps and he starts kissing her neck, moving one hand to clasp her ass. They start writhing against one another and he feels himself harden at her movements. They are kissing with a kind of ferocity which is not them and Dan thinks that if this is the last time he kisses Blair Waldorf it will be enough.
Dan hears the door open. He looks up but whoever it was has discreetly closed it but it is enough to dissipate the atmosphere. He watches Blair below him, eyes closes, breathing heavily. Her fists are clenched. He slowly unclenches her fingers, kissing each one of them.
“I am going to end it with Louis.”
“Ok.”
“I can’t promise you anything after that. I think I may want some time to figure a few things out.”
“You have it.” But he is hurt and he probably hasn’t hid it very well.
“It’s not because this is not what I want. Because it is. I just need some time for me. Do you understand?”
“I think so. Yes. It’s important that you’re sure. I’ll wait.”
“You don’t have to. I mean I have no right to expect you to stop dating.”
“I can’t. Even if I want to. I just can’t.” She blushes at the meaning.
“I need this time because I think this will be an important relationship. I want to make sure I don’t screw it up.”
Dan can’t help the smile that forms. “I like you Blair. Forget about the message. It was a stupid drunk guy talking. I just want you to know that I really like you.”
“I loved that message. It was beautiful. Even if you were speaking extremely slowly and slurring your words.”
He strokes her hair and thinks that all the pain has made this moment much sweeter. She looks at him, rolls her eyes and pushes him off her. She straightens her dress and her hair and stands up straight.
“I’ll go first.”
“Plausible deniability.”
“You’re finally learning Humphrey.” She says as she opens the door and walks out.