Tears of Mourning Sink Beneath the Sun [Part 1 of 2]
Tears of Mourning Sink Beneath the Sun
Summary: Scenes from Kurt’s complicated life during the two weeks following Blaine’s disastrous trip to New York.
Pairings: Klaine (estranged), Hummelberry (friendship), Kurse (friendship and ~temptation), the Hudmel family, Kurtbelle (friendship). Mentions of off-page Finchel, Brochel, other friendships, and canon infidelity.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 15,783
Warnings: Depression. A little bit of masturbation and shenanigans. Lots of well-meaning invasiveness and long heartfelt conversations.
Author’s Notes: I spent an unhealthy amount of time thinking about how Kurt’s life could change after 4x04, and this thing is the result. The story focuses on Kurt, but I tried to be really fair in my handling of other characters (like Blaine). Title comes from the lyrics to Madonna’s song Ray of Light, which plays a minor (and totally ridiculous) role in the story.
~~~~~
“He wasn’t at the tire shop either. Did you try texting him again?”
“Yes, Rachel, I tried. Eight times. He’s still not answering any of my calls either. Where are you now?”
“Just driving around. Feeling like the biggest idiot in the world, because there’s no way I can miss my classes tomorrow, so if I don’t track him down before my return flight then I’ve spent a lot of time and money on this for nothing.”
A pang of guilt shoots through Kurt, compounding the sick feeling of his sorrow. He presses his cell phone into his ear a little harder, wraps his blankets around himself a little tighter.
After Finn snuck out of the apartment, Kurt had thought briefly about waking Rachel up so she could run after him if she wanted to - but he’d seen the look in his brother’s eyes, conflicted and brimming with defeat. He wanted to respect Finn’s wish to have time alone to process things. Then, an hour later, Rachel woke up to find Finn long gone. When Kurt confirmed that Finn hadn’t even left a note for her, she cried furious tears that tore right into Kurt’s already-broken heart. He instantly regretted his decision to let her sleep through Finn’s escape from New York.
And now, if this impromptu quest to Ohio that Rachel’s on turns out to be fruitless, Kurt knows he’ll regret that decision even more.
“You’re not an idiot,” he assures her. “Don’t think like that. You’re a good person, going out of your way to say everything face-to-face instead of breaking up with him in an angry voicemail. You’re being admirable.”
“Even if I tried to say everything in a voicemail, who knows if he would even listen to it.”
“I wish I could do something else, but the only thing I can think of… Do you want me to call Carole? See if she knows where he went?”
“No, I don’t want to drag your parents into this. I already feel bad enough asking you to get involved.”
Another pang of guilt. “It’s fine,” he says quickly. “I’m used to being the intermediary for you two. Or trying to be, at least.”
“And I appreciate it,” Rachel replies, sounding on the verge of frustrated tears once again. “I just don’t… I don’t understand how he thinks anymore. Lately everything he does confuses me.”
Kurt doesn’t know what to say to that. A vague humming noise of sympathy and understanding is all that comes out of him, because he’s been feeling the same way about Blaine and it hurts too much to put into words.
Kurt used to be able to guess what Blaine was thinking just by the way his mouth curved or the way his long eyelashes fluttered. Now Kurt has no clue. He wonders what his boyfriend thought about before choosing to cheat on him. He wonders if Blaine considered the risk of destroying their entire relationship and decided it was worth it.
His eyes squeeze shut against the sting of fresh tears.
“Oh, but maybe… maybe I do understand. I think I know where he is.”
“Really? Where is-?”
“I’ll call you back before my flight leaves.”
Rachel hangs up abruptly and Kurt sighs, dropping his phone onto the bed beside him and numbly blinking up at the high ceiling.
It occurs to him that everyone he loves is more than 500 miles away, and he’s by himself in a cavernous apartment, surrounded by the creaking of old pipes, the low hum of the refrigerator, and unbearable stillness. He thinks about going out - just wandering the city for a while to distract himself - but his body feels so heavy and worn out. He doesn’t want to move, but he doesn’t want to be alone with his thoughts either. Ultimately, the most appealing option is to put life on hold by inserting his earplugs and falling asleep.
~~~~~
“I can’t believe he just left,” Rachel muttered into Kurt’s chest. “I never thought of him as the kind of man who would just run away.”
“Finn’s bravery comes and goes,” Kurt replied, speaking into the hair on the crown of her head. She had finally stopped crying a while ago and rested her cheek against his pajama shirt where it was wet from her tears. Kurt kept on hugging her and swaying her gently as they spoke with hushed, scratchy voices. “It’s always been that way, but you just… most of the time you just choose to see the best in him.”
“You’re right,” she whispered brokenly, and for the first time that morning there was an undercurrent of anger in her words. “I don’t know why I’m surprised, after four months of being frozen out of his life. I can’t go on with our relationship like this.”
A flutter of fabric caught Kurt’s attention, and he shifted his gaze to where Blaine was suddenly standing, holding aside the curtains surrounding Kurt’s bedroom area and silently watching them embrace. He looked sleep-rumpled and beautiful and smaller somehow, hesitant and sort of hunched in on himself. Kurt swallowed roughly and nuzzled his chin against Rachel’s scalp.
His eyes never left Blaine as he said, “You shouldn’t have to. You deserve a man who thinks about your feelings as much as his own, and maybe Finn can’t be that man for you right now. I know he loves you, but if he can’t deal with you having a good life here that he doesn’t neatly fit into, then it might be time to-”
He was cut off by the sound of Blaine’s bare foot stepping onto a loose floorboard, making it scrape loudly against the surrounding boards. Rachel jerked out of Kurt’s grasp and Blaine winced. She looked back and forth between them for a moment before settling her eyes on Kurt’s face and giving him an apologetic little smile, like she was just then remembering that Kurt was dealing with his own relationship problems as well.
“I’ll go get breakfast started while you two talk,” she offered quietly, then stepped into the kitchen area, leaving Kurt and Blaine staring at each other in the tense silence that followed.
“You’re an amazing friend,” Blaine said a few difficult seconds later. “She’s really lucky to have you here with her.”
Hesitantly, Blaine took a few strides forward. When he stopped moving, there was still at least five feet of space between them. To Kurt, it felt too far away and too close at the same time. He wrapped his arms around himself and took a steadying breath.
“I’m lucky to have her, too. It’s helped, having her with me when I miss… when I get lonely.”
Blaine nodded and looked down at his feet, clearly feeling shamed. When he looked back up, his eyes were bright with tears. He opened his mouth and closed it again, then eventually said, “Do you think they’ll be okay?”
It obviously wasn’t the question Blaine had really wanted to ask.
“I think…” Kurt began, then paused, overcome by the weight of what he was about to say, because it was an answer he could give about his own relationship as well. “I think maybe they’ve gone too far in opposite directions to make things work right now, no matter how much they want it to.”
Blaine let out a huff of breath like he’d just been punched in the stomach. His eyes went wide and pleading, and Kurt knew he understood the double meaning behind those words.
“Kurt, please, if I could take it back-”
“Please don’t finish that sentence,” Kurt cut him off in a choked whisper, involuntarily clenching his arms so tight around his ribs that it began to hurt. “You can’t take it back, and it’s too painful to think about hypotheticals right now.”
Kurt closed his eyes, breathed, opened them again, and looked at Blaine. Really looked at him. He waited for Blaine to try a different tactic, try to defend his actions again, try to fix things - anything. But Blaine just seemed lost. He was looking right back at Kurt, looking small and broken and confused, and he couldn’t say anything to make Kurt forget what he did.
When Kurt finally spoke again, his voice was much stronger.
“I couldn’t stay in that bed with you. I invited you into it, didn’t make you sleep on the couch, because part of me was convinced that if I could just lay next to you for awhile and remember all of the good things…” Kurt trailed off, not wanting to go down that wishful line of thinking too far again. He shook his head. “But after you fell asleep, I watched you, and it just… I could only think of awful things. So I got up and sat in here, and I was awake all night thinking - trying to figure out what I’d say to you when you woke up. I had this silly hope that you’d walk in here and make me new promises, and I’d fall into your arms, and we’d make things okay again somehow. But I’m looking at you now… and I see your pain, and part of me wants to just hold you until we both feel better… but mostly what I see when I look at you now is - someone else touching you… and being touched by you… and I don’t know when I’ll be able to look at you without thinking about it.”
The tears in Blaine’s eyes spilled over, and he made a small choked-off sound like an aborted sob. “Are we breaking up?”
“I haven’t figured that out yet. I need time, Blaine. I need to accept what happened and assess how it changes things. When I said I want to grow old with you, I meant it. I spent the last two years doodling our names in hearts and imagining you as my husband. I don’t know if I’m ready to let that go. And I love you just as much as I always have, but I can’t… I can’t be around you right now. I need you to leave-”
Kurt startles awake when his body moves without warning, shifting slightly with the motion of the mattress as it dips beside him. His eyes snap open and he sees Rachel - dressed in pajamas and looking exhausted after her roundtrip to Lima - crawling into his nest of blankets and lying down beside him. Her mouth moves but her voice is muffled and far-off, the words impossible to make out. Still disoriented from his hasty return to consciousness, he doesn’t realize it’s because of his earplugs until she plucks one out of his nearest ear.
“I tried calling you before my flight left and you didn’t answer,” she says gently, leaning across him to remove his other earplug while she’s at it.
“Oh,” is all he can think to say. Groggily, he takes the earplugs from her and drops them onto his bedside table, then gropes around in the bedding until he unearths his cell. Six missed calls flash on the screen - three from Rachel, two from his father, and one from Finn. He’s been asleep for about four hours. It’s almost midnight. With a groan of frustration, he drops the phone again and rolls onto his side to lie facing her. “Crap. I’m sorry if I worried you.”
“I wasn’t worried before. I figured you were just out or something. But I’m worried now.” She reaches up and delicately trails the tips of her fingers beneath his eyes, smearing the dampness collected there. “You were crying in your sleep. Bad dream?”
Kurt nods but doesn’t explain. He doesn’t want to rehash those memories of the last time he saw Blaine. She already knows the story anyway. He changes the subject instead.
“Tell me about your trip. Did you find him?”
She launches into the tale of how she tracked Finn down, said her piece, then ended their relationship amicably. By the time she finishes, her voice is strained and her eyes are a little bright, but when Kurt opens his mouth to ask about her emotional state she shakes her head and beats him to it.
“I’m okay, Kurt. Really. I spent four months learning how to live without him in my life. It’s sad to be broken up officially, but… in a weird way it’s also a relief. No more questions about what he’s doing or where we stand. No more second guessing my feelings. It… it helps a lot that it wasn’t sudden.”
“I’m sure it also helps that you have another handsome gentleman waiting in the wings to sweep you off your feet,” Kurt adds.
For a moment Rachel looks shocked, like she thinks he’s accusing her of doing something wrong, but then she sees his sly little knowing smile. She smiles back as a current of understanding passes between them.
“Well. Brody had absolutely nothing to do with the breakup. But, yes, that’s… nice,” she says, biting her lip and curling in closer to Kurt’s body. “I’m glad to see you’re still being adorably unsubtle in your Brody cheerleading, by the way. All this time you’ve been encouraging me to embrace my freedom, but I was still a little worried that you’d take Finn’s side in the end.”
“Come here,” Kurt says, rolling back into his original position, flat his back, and opening his arms in invitation. He waits until she has her head settled on his chest before he closes his arms around her shoulders and continues. “Listen to me, Rachel Berry: You’re a sister to me, whether you end up with my brother or not. It doesn’t change how much I love you - how much I love both of you. And of course I want you both to be happy, but… honestly? I’ve been hoping you’d move on, even if it hurts him. You deserve to enjoy every part of your life here.”
She exhales a long breath and fists her hand into his dark henley, curling her fingers against his abdomen. “Thank you, Kurt. I feel the exact same way about you. All of it. I love you, and I want you to be happy here. Whatever that involves.”
The declaration sits heavy between them for a beat before Kurt speaks again.
“Do you think I should move on, too? Break up with Blaine?” he asks quietly.
It takes Rachel a while to answer, as though she’s very carefully weighing her words. Eventually she says, “When I found out Finn slept with Santana, it was devastating - even though we weren’t together when he did it. It wasn’t really cheating. And when I try to imagine him sleeping with someone else while we were in a committed, sexually active relationship… I can’t even image how I’d feel about it. So I know that what you’re going through right now must be earth-shattering.”
“That’s an appropriate description of what it feels like, yes,” he whispers.
Earth-shattering. Like he’s being split right down the middle through his chest. Like the force of it could split the whole damn world in the process of ruining him.
They fall into a sad but comfortable silence for several long minutes after that. He doesn’t mention that she never really answered his question about what he should do. He’s not sure he’s ready to hear her answer to that, anyway.
“If you take him back, do you think-” Rachel begins again suddenly, haltingly, like she’s afraid of pushing Kurt too hard but she just has to ask. “Could you trust him to never do it again?”
“That’s what I’ve been torturing myself over the most,” Kurt admits.
He knows he’ll forgive Blaine eventually, because he’s forgiven much worse things done to him by people he cared about much less. He’s just not the kind of person who can carry around a poisonous grudge for long. But trusting Blaine completely again is so much harder to envision.
“When I think about what it would do to me if he broke my heart a second time, I feel like I’m gonna-” he breaks off, not knowing how to finish that thought without alarming her. He starts over. “I never, ever thought this would happen - but, god, the risk that it could happen again is so real to me now that it’s happened once.” He swallows roughly and clenches his jaw, trying to find words for the flipside of his thoughts. “On the other hand… thinking of a future without him in it… that hurts too. So I have to figure out which risk is worse.”
She nods, nuzzling the side of her face against his shirt as she does. “I get it. But I hate that you have to think about your future like that now. In terms of what would probably hurt less in the long run.”
Kurt hates it too.
She’s quiet again for a while, and he can tell that she’s debating whether she should keep trying to drag answers out of him. Her hands are fidgeting restlessly against him.
“Go ahead and ask whatever you want, Rachel,” he says, squeezing her gently. “I’m not going to have a breakdown on you, I promise.”
She tilts her face up to flash a relieved smile at him. A moment later, her expression is serious again - a combination of curiosity and somberness.
“Does Blaine know about all the guys you’ve turned down since you got here?”
Kurt scoffs. “Saying it like that makes it sound like there’s been a lot.”
“Does he?” Rachel presses.
Kurt gives her the best shrug he can manage in the position he’s in. “Not exactly. It never seemed important enough to mention on our limited Skype dates,” Kurt explains. None of those other guys were ever a real threat to their relationship, so Kurt hadn’t want to upset Blaine over nothing - especially after how he had reacted to Chandler’s texts. Kurt sighs and adds, “But that night, after he confessed… I told him I’ve had temptations. Nothing specific.”
“Hmmm.”
“Why do you ask?”
“Just curious,” Rachel responds too quickly, too deliberately nonchalant to be true.
“Uh-huh,” Kurt says drily, and waits for her to make the big point she’s setting him up for.
“You know what really helped me accept what Finn did at that train station?” she begins thoughtfully a minute later, “More than anything, it was meeting new people here, and realizing that there might be other options for me - if Finn never came back to me. When I met Brody, I thought: Maybe. You know? Maybe there are men out there who could fall in love with me - who would never crack eggs over my head to humiliate me, or cut me off on our wedding day without warning. And I felt guilty for thinking about that at the time, because when I met Brody I was still clinging so hard to the hope that Finn would come find me and tell me he was ready for us to get married and start our lives here together. But the more time I spent with Brody, the more I thought: maybe lots of men will fall in love with me throughout my life - especially once I’m a huge star - and even though none of them will ever be Finn, maybe one of them will be worthy of my love in return.”
He rolls his eyes fondly and lifts a hand to stroke through her hair.
“I have to believe that’s true, Kurt,” she goes on, her voice softer now. “And I know it’s hard for you to see it right now, but the same is true for you. I see the way men look at you everywhere we go. Don’t give me that look, you know they do. Just last week, one of the guys who delivered our partition bookcase got all moon-eyed and asked me to give you his number.”
Kurt’s hand freezes in its path through Rachel’s dark curls, and he jerks his chin down to his chest, gaping at her. “Really?”
“Yep.”
“The friendly, heavily-tattooed one who looked like Ryan Gosling-at-his-buffest?” Kurt guesses. Rachel nods in confirmation, and Kurt smiles a little in spite of himself. “Huh.”
“I told him that you’re in a… were in a… um. Well, I told him that you weren’t interested. He was really disappointed,” Rachel says pointedly. “And I know you’ve gotten more… direct offers than that. This city is full of men who would line up for a chance to be with you.”
Rachel gives him a victorious look, like she’s just made an irrefutable point, but Kurt’s small smile has vanished now. He shakes his head.
“The chance to have sex with me, you mean.”
“Well-”
“That isn’t what I need, Rachel, it isn’t the same. Being wanted because I look young and naïve and because I’m conveniently easier to spot than a lot of other gay men isn’t the same as being cherished and respected and safe. It isn’t an acceptable substitute for someone promising to love me forever. I’m not going to find devotion in a guy who tries to pinch my ass in line at Starbucks or a guy who catcalls me on the sidewalk.”
“I know,” Rachel says soothingly, rubbing her hand slowly over his stomach like he’s an agitated kitten. “But there are lots of decent guys. A few wonderful guys, too. And you can find one.”
Kurt realizes there are tears on his face again, and doesn’t remember when he started crying. “I thought I already had,” he whispers. “If I can’t trust my heart to a guy who says I’m the love of his life and means it, then how can I trust my heart to anyone?”
When Blaine had been so patient with Kurt for all those months, Kurt thought for sure that he had found the most wonderful boy in the world to be everything he needed. Blaine was someone who cared enough about Kurt’s feelings to delay his own desires for Kurt’s comfort - and so Kurt had been convinced that Blaine would always think of Kurt as being worthy of waiting for. That was why Kurt had been so positive that they could make a long distance relationship work. He thought all the time apart, all the delayed gratification, would be painful but manageable - for both of them.
He’d been wrong about that, though. So, so wrong in the end. And Kurt never, ever wants to be wrong about that again, so it’s easier to not think about getting involved with someone new. Not yet, at least.
Rachel is smart enough to drop the subject.
“Is it okay if I sleep in here tonight?” she asks softly. “It’s been a while since we had a sleepover.”
Kurt knows she’s mostly asking for his benefit, reluctant to leave him alone again so soon after being out of town. Somehow she instinctively understands that he needs her right now - so he doesn’t have to say out loud how grateful he is for her warm, petite frame pressing down on his torso, or her chilly little toes tickling against the hair on his ankles. He just stays quiet, squeezes her a little tighter, lets her adjust her position until it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, and listens to her breaths slowly even out.
~~~~~
Kurt knows for sure that Rachel is alright, because the next morning she’s back to her typical morning routine, waking up at 6:00am for her morning protein shake and cardio.
While she huffs and puffs though her dance routine in the living area, Kurt lies in bed scrolling through the visual voicemail menu on his phone, remembering the missed calls from his dad and Finn the night before. He taps his finger on the first message from his dad.
“Hey, kiddo, it’s your old man. Just calling to see how you’re doin’ out there. Haven’t heard from ya in a few days, since that all-nighter you pulled at work. I know you’re busy, so don’t worry about callin’ all the time, but… well. I miss you, Kurt. And I love you, and I’m just so, so proud of you. Gimme a call back when it’s a good time for you, alright?”
Kurt’s lower lip trembles a little as he sniffles delicately and taps the second message, which was recorded less than an hour later.
“So, I just talked to your brother. I mentioned I wasn’t able to reach you earlier, and he told me… what the reason for it might be. I’m… I’m so sorry. I wish I could… Look, I want you to know that I won’t try to force you to talk about it when you call if you’re not ready to, I get it, but this whole thing does sorta… complicate a situation we’ve got comin’ up here on Wednesday, and it’d help if I could know how you feel about it one way or the other before I decide what to do about it. So, just… call me when you get this, if you can.”
A wave of cold dread washes through Kurt’s limbs. He isn’t sure what his dad is talking about with the Wednesday situation, but he’s sure it won’t be a pleasant topic of conversation, whatever it is.
He taps the final message.
“Uh, hey, Kurt. Thought I should give you a heads up that Burt knows about what happened. It sorta slipped out. I don’t know if you wanted him to know or not, since stuff with you and Blaine is kinda undecided, and I know you won’t want your dad hating your boyfriend if you two stay together, but uh… yeah. I’m sorry. I’m sure Burt’ll be cool about it, though. He just wants what’s best for you. I mean, we all do - What, mom? Oh. Yeah, okay - Kurt, mom says to say ‘hi’ and she loves you. So, um. That’s it. Later, little brother.”
Kurt groans, rubs at his puffy eyes, then quickly types out a text to Finn:
Not upset with you. It’s fine. I was expecting him to ask you what we did on your visit and figured you’d tell him what a disaster it was. Hope you’re doing okay. Rachel’s sad but knows she made the right choice for you both. Glad to hear it ended well. Call me on my lunch break if you need to talk about it.
After sending the text, he lays still for a few minutes, thinking about what he wants to say to his dad about all of this. When he feels strong enough, he dials, then sucks in a sharp breath when Burt answers on the second ring.
“Mornin’, kiddo.”
As nervous as Kurt is about this conversation, it still feels so good to hear his dad’s voice saying good morning to him. He rolls onto his side and curls into a ball, the way he did as a child, rolled up between his mom and dad during thunderstorms. “Hi, dad,” he replies unsteadily.
“You, uh… you holdin’ up alright?”
Kurt’s chest aches at how careful his dad is being with him. “Trying my best,” he replies, steadier than before.
“If you need anything, you let me know. You hear me? Anything. If you need a little extra cash because you went on one of your shopping therapy binges, or if you just need to talk…”
Kurt is reminded again that he really does have the best dad in the world. He’s fortunate in a lot of ways, no matter how unhappy he is right now. It helps to keep that in mind.
“Thank you, dad, that’s - that’s really sweet of you,” he says. He’s deeply grateful, but he also has a feeling he’s being softened up for the bomb Burt is about to drop. Probably best to get to the point sooner rather than later. “What’s the Wednesday situation you were talking about in the voicemail?”
“Ah, that.” Burt says. Kurt can hear the extreme discomfort in his tone now. “About a week ago Blaine called. He said he could, uh… use a new activity to keep him busy, and asked if he could come in and help at the garage this week, on the one day he didn’t already have an after school club meeting scheduled. I have a Congress session Tuesday, but I’ll be back in Lima by Wednesday afternoon to supervise progress at the shop, so… when he asked, I said it was okay.”
“… Oh,” Kurt says. He imagines his dad hanging out with Blaine at the shop, working on cars or inventory together, and he feels like the wind has been knocked out of him.
“If it bugs you-”
“Dad, it’s - it’s fine,” Kurt interrupts quickly, trying to control the tremor in his voice. It’s really, really not fine. He doesn’t want to be dealing with this right now, but he pushes on. “I know you can use all the help you can get down at the garage now that you can’t be there very often. If he comes down there, though… he might try to talk to you about… things. About our relationship.” Burt lets out a huff that sounds almost like a scoff, and Kurt suspects that he’s remembering the very first time Blaine swept into Hummel Tires and Lube to confront Burt about Kurt’s feelings and personal issues, shortly before they started dating. Kurt’s frown deepens as he continues, “Just… if you let him come down, please don’t talk to him about me. I know that might be… awkward, but I’m sure Blaine will understand.”
Burt sighs heavily down the line. “Look. If what Finn says is true - about what Blaine did - then I’m not gonna lie to you, Kurt, I’m not real crazy about the idea of spending quality time with him right now. But I didn’t wanna make things worse for you by callin’ him up and saying that I don’t want him around. If that’s what you want me to do, though - believe me, I’m happy to do it. So the question is: Do you want me to make an effort to spend time with him still? Or no?”
“I… don’t want to deprive you of a willing worker,” Kurt hedges.
“The garage is doing fine,” Burt says, firm.
“Yes, but-”
“Kurt. Did he break your heart?”
“… Yes.”
“And are you gonna try to move past it just because you love him like crazy? Or are you gonna dump him?”
“I haven’t… there hasn’t been an official breakup yet. I’m not sure what’s going to happen.”
Kurt’s head is spinning. He isn’t any closer to making a decision about that yet. He can’t even make a decision about what he wants his dad to tell Blaine about their Wednesday plans, so how can he possibly make a decision about the rest of his life?
“And you… you said you care about Blaine,” Kurt continues uncertainly. It used to make him so happy to think about how welcome Blaine has been in their home. Now it hurts to bring it up, but it seems relevant to the conversation. An unpleasant feeling settles in Kurt’s stomach, not unlike the feeling he had when his dad first started wanting to spend more time with Finn. “You told us Blaine is like a third son to you.”
“Yeah, well…” Burt says, sounding even more uncomfortable than before. “When I said that… I said it after you kids had spent a year makin’ me pretty damn certain that you were on track to make him my son-in-law in the near future. You acted like he was already part of the family, so we all treated him that way. But if what he did changes those plans for you, then my feelings are gonna change too. Hell, they’re gonna change a little no matter what, but this is between the two of you.”
“I see,” Kurt answers, trying and failing to not sound so relieved.
“I’ll respect whatever you decide, Kurt, but just remember what I said about how much you matter, alright? That’s all I’m gonna say. I won’t try to sway you one way or the other.”
“Okay,” Kurt whispers, overwhelmed. “Thank you, dad.”
Two hours after ending the call with his dad, Kurt is getting ready to walk out the door and begin his long commute into the city when he gets a text:
hey. burt asked me 2 take care of it. i found blaine b4 1st period and I said that him hangin out with ur dad might not b good 4 u rite now. he lookd upset but he said he wont come 2 the shop cuz he doesnt wanna make things harder 4 u. call u l8r bro
Kurt feels a painful throb in his chest, but he ignores it, sending back a quick text - Thanks - before sliding open the apartment door and stepping out.
~~~~~
“No flowers today, huh? Did you accept Cutest Guy’s apology for whatever he did wrong, or did you cut him loose?” Chase asks, crossing his arms and leaning his body heavily against the entryway to Kurt’s small, tucked-away workspace. In the perfectly tailored suit Chase is wearing, his relaxed pose has the effect of making him look even more dashing and effortlessly appealing than usual.
Kurt hardly notices, though. He glances over at his trash can, where the slightly-wilted remains of yesterday’s bouquet lay scattered amongst crumpled memos and scrapped article ideas. Flowers had been delivered to the office for three business days in a row, each batch with a card attached, each card scrawled with a more desperate plea for forgiveness than the last.
He hasn’t replied to any of them yet, because what can he say? The flowers are beautiful but it hurts to look at them and I still haven’t decided if I can be with you again? That would be the only apt response, but he can’t bring himself to send it. He knows that Blaine’s holding out for a reply that accepts his apologies, but Kurt can’t give him that either.
Chase is looking at Kurt expectantly, his head tilted a little and his parted lips slightly curved into a questioning smile. Kurt lifts one shoulder for a halfhearted shrug.
“I think he stopped sending them because he realized I’m not capable of forgiving him yet, and no amount of roses could hasten the healing process.”
“Ah. Let me guess. Cheating bastard, am I right?”
Kurt frowns at the description, because he doesn’t think Blaine is a bastard, even though the cheating part is accurate. His throat is suddenly too closed-up for him to correct half of Chase’s guess, though. He simply nods, a single terse bob of his head.
“Well, for the record, any guy who’d cheat on you is a crazy idiot,” Chase says simply.
Again, Kurt’s first instinct is to correct him, to argue with him, because Blaine is neither insane nor idiotic. Blaine is smart and talented and caring - and that makes it so much worse, because Kurt has spent a very long time battling with his quiet insecurities and the voice in his head that sometimes tells him Blaine could be with someone better than Kurt. And now, for all Kurt knows, maybe Blaine has been with someone better. Because someone was able to tempt Blaine away from Kurt after only a few weeks apart, and Kurt can’t help feeling like that says as much about him as it does about Blaine.
It’s so much harder to battle with those insecurities now.
But Chase is giving Kurt this smile - wide and warm, full of big white teeth and sincerity - and it makes Kurt swallow down his bitter disagreement with Chase’s flattery.
Kurt shakes his head a little and refocuses on the papers in front of him.
“Isabelle just left for a long meeting. She asked me to remind you that your lunch with that eccentric photographer, Gustav, has been moved from Le Bernardin to Mustang Cafe upon Gustav’s request because he ‘needed a less formal setting.’ Apparently he’s allergic to sophistication.”
“Right,” Chase laughs. For a moment his eyes roam appreciatively over Kurt’s judgmental expression, from the high arch of Kurt’s eyebrow to the disapproving purse of Kurt’s lips. “You know, I could really use your help getting ready. I have to leave in half an hour, and I’m a little overdressed for Mustang Cafe. Wanna come to the closet and play Dress-Up with me?”
A startled giggle erupts from Kurt at the suggestion. It’s the first real, completely genuine laugh he’s let out in almost a week, and his hand immediately shoots up to cover his mouth in surprise. Chase gives Kurt a charming smirk, like that was exactly the reaction he was aiming for. Something about that smirk flips a switch inside of Kurt. He’s shocked to find himself feeling playful, but he decides to just go with it. He lifts an eyebrow again and stands up gracefully.
“Don’t look so pleased with yourself, Madison,” Kurt sasses breezily. “You have no idea what you’ve just signed yourself up for.”
“Oh, I can’t wait to find out,” Chase says, voice pitched low as he leans towards Kurt.
Kurt smirks right back and brushes past him, leading the way to the extravagant closet.
Twenty five minutes and three outfit changes later, they’ve found a casual-yet-classy ensemble they both agree on. Kurt has his back turned while Chase finishes dressing himself for the final time, even though Chase noticeably had not asked Kurt for privacy while stripping down.
“Alright, I’m ready for inspection,” Chase announces.
Kurt turns around, looks Chase up and down, then makes a big show of rolling his eyes.
“That’s not the way that scarf is designed to be draped,” he chides.
“You do it, then,” Chase says around a vibrant chuckle. He spreads his arms straight out to his sides in invitation then tips his head backwards, extending his neck and exposing more of it to Kurt’s scrutiny.
Kurt fights back a small smile and - with a heavily exaggerated sigh - steps into Chase’s personal space to begin fussing with the long scarf, arranging it artfully around Chase’s stubbled throat and strong shoulders.
When Chase tilts his head back down, Kurt automatically looks up to meet his dark stare, and gets distracted by how prominent Chase’s freckles are when they’re standing so close. He quickly forces his gaze back down to his fingers, watching them cautiously as they toy with the fabric, trying not to let them brush directly against Chase’s neck. Kurt isn’t sure why it feels like that kind of casual skin-on-skin contact would be a big deal. He decides not to think about it too much.
“You have an incredible eye, you know,” Chase says, voice soft. It has an almost intimate quality. “Excellent taste.”
“I know,” Kurt replies lightly, trying to get them back to playful banter.
Chase laughs again, but this time it’s quiet and close, and Kurt involuntarily curls his fingers into the scarf for a second before quickly smoothing it back out.
“Good, you’re confident about it. You should be. You’ve got a lot of raw talent. I understand why Isabelle hired you without any formal education or experience in the industry. If I were in her position, I would’ve been eager to take you under my wing, too. Snatch you up before some other executive does.”
A flush of pleasure blooms high in Kurt’s cheeks at Chase’s earnest praise. He clears his throat awkwardly and steps back several paces. “There. That looks much better, doesn’t it?”
Chase turns to look in one of the tall mirrors and nods approvingly. “You’re right. I’m not surprised.” He moves in again, lays a hand on Kurt’s shoulder and squeezes gently. “Thanks,” he murmurs with a wink, then heads out for his scheduled business lunch.
Kurt wanders back to his desk, feeling happier than he’d ever expected to feel so soon after his estrangement from Blaine. There’s a cheeky little grin pulling at his lips as he gathers up his things to go on his own lunch break.
Just as he’s about to leave, his cell chirps with an incoming text, and his mood completely deflates as he reads it.
hey kurt. im guessing smthing bad happened w/ you and blaine. i dont know if this is smthing you want to see or not but i thought i should film and send it anyway... just in case it helps. miss you!!! hope youre doing well in ny! xoxo love tina
Attached to the message is a video of Blaine singing in the choir room, sitting at the piano to accompany himself for a stripped-down, highly emotional interpretation of Criminal. The way Blaine practically chokes out the lyrics reminds Kurt too much of Teenage Dream on that horrible night.
“I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins. I've come to you 'cause I need guidance to be true, and I just don't know where I can begin,” Blaine belts out, voice quavering beyond his control. “What I need is a good defense, 'cause I'm feelin' like a criminal, and I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against, because he's all I ever knew of love…”
Kurt closes out of the video and deletes it, blinking rapidly and breathing unevenly. He refuses to cry at work. He can’t be too vulnerable here, he reminds himself. They’ll eat him alive.
He pretends not to notice when Chase returns from his lunch meeting. He keeps his head down for the rest of the day, staying too busy to think much about how broken Blaine had sounded while singing about a redemption he hasn’t earned.
~~~~~
Over the next few days, Kurt finds that he’s mostly doing alright - as long as he’s completely distracted. He can call Mercedes and demand that she spill every bit of music industry gossip she’s heard, every audition she’s been on, every date she’s had. He can try his hand at complicated new recipes and sketch designs for hours. And it all helps, for a while - until he’s alone with his thoughts, without any challenging external stimulus to engross his mind. Like late at night, shifting restlessly in his bed. Or in the early morning, while he’s showering…
As a result, waking up and getting ready are increasingly difficult tasks.
On the ninth morning after the last time Kurt saw Blaine, he finally manages to shower without crying under the warm spray. He still washes as quickly as possible and neglects to complete his full in-shower exfoliating regimen, but - for the first time in over a week - he feels angry and frustrated about it rather than purely feeling depressed.
He goes through his whole morning routine without being able to shake his volatile feelings. His breath comes out in irritated little puffs while he struggles to perfect the tall swoop of his hair. He jerks his clothing off the hangers much more roughly than he normally would. His trembling fingers fumble with the knot of his tie in a way they haven’t since he was little.
“Kuuurt! I got us breakfast from that cute little bakery we loooove!” Rachel calls out to him excitedly, sliding their apartment door closed one-handed with some difficulty before dropping an enormous box onto their dining table. “Cheesecake muffins for you and blueberry flax scones for me!”
Kurt gives himself a critical once-over in his full-length mirror before stepping out of his bedroom area.
“No time - gotta get to work,” he answers brusquely, grabbing his satchel off the couch and moving swiftly toward the door.
“Oh no, mister,” Rachel says, grabbing onto his arm when he tries to step past her. “You’re having muffins for breakfast and that’s final. I’ll pack some in a paper bag so you can eat them on the subway if you have to.”
“I’m not hungry,” he snaps at her, louder than he intended.
Her face is hurt and confused as she lets go of him and takes a step back. “Did I do something to make you angry?” she asks in a small voice.
Regret surges through him, but he can’t deal with it at the moment. “No, you didn’t. Sorry. It was nice of you to get me muffins,” Kurt sighs tiredly, as gently as he can manage with anger still pulsing hot through his veins.
“But you’re really upset about something,” she says. It isn’t a question, of course. “Talk to me. Please.”
Suddenly, the anger is gone. He looks into her big, wet eyes - so full of concern for him - and for a single moment all he wants to do is hold her and sob and tell her everything, no matter how scary and embarrassing it would be. He feels his face crumple for a second before he manages to school it back into a calm mask of professionalism. He can’t afford to have a long teary talk with her right before facing all his coworkers.
“I don’t have time to talk about this right now, I’m sorry.” His voice is strong and composed, except for how it breaks at the end.
Before Rachel can say anything else, Kurt flips open the lid of the bakery box, grabs one of the massive fat-filled muffins, kisses her cheek, and leaves.
~~~~~
When Kurt arrives back at the apartment nine hours later, he isn’t surprised to find Rachel waiting for him with three bags of greasy takeout.
“Spill it,” she demands the second he opens the door.
“Well hello to you, too. How was your day?” he says drily, walking right past her to his room.
“My day was wonderful,” she replies, standing up and following him through the divider drapes. “Except for how I spent the whole time thinking about the look on your face this morning right before you ran out.” She flops down on his bed and gives him a sharp look as he begins to change out of his work clothes. “And your day?”
“My day was fine,” Kurt sighs, unable to hide his agitation as he yanks off his tie and kicks off his shoes. “Except for how I spent the whole time dreading this conversation.”
“By why?” Rachel asks, and there’s something pleading in her voice even though her tone is firm. Kurt tries hard to focus on getting his shirt unbuttoned instead of looking at her. “I’m your best friend. We support each other. If you need to cry, I’m your shoulder. If you need anything, I’m here - you know I’d do practically anything for you. And right now I think what you need is to just talk to me, Kurt. I don’t know why you’ve reverted back to keeping all your feelings a secret from me, but I hate it, and it’s not going to help anything. So just… tell me. Please. Tell me everything. Starting with what set you off this morning.”
He slips his shirt off his shoulders and lays it across his bed, then stands still in his slacks and undershirt, staring down at his obnoxiously persistent roommate. “I… don’t know if it’s all stuff you’d be comfortable hearing,” he says at length, biting his lip. “If you were a guy it might be different, but… as close as we are, there are some things we don’t discuss.”
“Oh. Is it… is it a sex thing?”
“Um. In a way. That’s part of it.”
“Well just… say it. And if it’s awkward we’ll deal with it, it’s fine, just get it out of your system. I won’t freak out.”
Kurt’s cheeks are already burning before he can even begin to get the words out.
“Have you noticed that my showers are much shorter recently?”
“No,” she says. A confused little crease appears in her forehead as her eyebrows furrow in contemplation. “But now that you mention it…”
Kurt can tell the exact moment the realization hits her. He’s never seen her eyes go wider.
“Oh,” she squeaks. Her eyes flicker down to his crotch, then quickly look away from him entirely.
“God, this is embarrassing and pathetic and awful,” Kurt groans, hiding his face in his hands. “I don’t want to say it.”
“Come on, it’s fine,” she bravely continues to encourage him.
He hesitates for a second, but the idea is out there in the open now. She’s already got a mental image of him getting off in their shower. He might as well just let everything out.
“I haven’t had an orgasm since before Blaine was here,” he admits thickly, still pressing his hands over his eyes. “By now I’ve stopped even trying to jerk off, because it’s just sad. Every time I’ve tried… I think of how much better Blaine’s hand always felt, and then I think of Blaine touching someone else that way, the way he knows I like to be touched, and it’s just a vicious cycle of horrible, awful thoughts that I can’t break out of, and I spiral until I end up going soft and crying.” He feels so sick saying it out loud. He pauses, then amends, “Well, this morning I didn’t cry, I was just angry, but… yeah. That’s what set me off, basically. I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. And I’m sorry if you’re as embarrassed right now as I am.”
All at once Rachel is standing in front of him, pulling his hands away from his bright red face. Her face is a little flushed, too, but she gives him a profoundly sympathetic look and hugs him tightly.
“I’m so sorry, Kurt. It won’t always be like this. I’m sure you’ll… get your groove back any day now.”
Kurt snorts inelegantly at her phrasing. “I hope so. Sexual frustration and depression is a brutal combination. It’s doing dreadful things to my complexion.”
“Have you tried masturbating while reading erotica? Thinking about other people?” she suggests helpfully.
“Oh god,” he groans, burying his mortified face in her hair.
“You should. And if your hand isn’t working out for you right now, I have a vib-”
“Lalalalalalalala!” he sings, covering his ears and trying to step back from her.
“Kurt! Don’t be a child,” she scolds him, grabbing at his wrists. “We’re bonding here.”
He gives her a flat, unimpressed look. “I love you, Rachel, and I’m all for Soul Sister bonding, but I’m gonna draw the line at sharing sex toys.”
“Even though it’s super clean and still just like new?” she wheedles.
“Well…” he says, drawing the word out. For one terribly pathetic, desperate moment in time, he’s so willing to try anything to break his dry spell that he actually entertains the idea. Then he has a thought that brings that moment of lunacy to an end. “Wait. Have you used it with my brother?”
“Oh. Um.” She bites her lip like she’s trying not to laugh. “…Yes.”
“Then no,” he says, resolute and a little disturbed. “No amount of sterilization would ever be enough.”
A lovely trill of bright laughter bubbles out of her. She smiles at Kurt impishly, and he finds himself grinning back, feeling so much lighter than before. Right now everything - the loss and the stress and the doubt - all feels somewhat manageable.
“I know what we need. Let’s go watch Funny Girl and cuddle,” Rachel suggests.
He allows her to drag him off, still half-dressed in his work clothes.
~~~~~
Go on to Part 2