One Day at a Time (Part 3)
vi.
Just when Chansung feels like things are finally starting to settle Nichkhun pays him a visit.
Is the middle of the day, a cold February afternoon, and three months since Taecyeon had visited his apartment. That is what Chansung assumes Nichkhun is here for. As a mediator. Chansung much rather go home and tackle the lesson plan he’s supposed to be going over for the next week.
“How are classes going?”
“Brutal.” He admits. Comp. Ethics is not as hard as he had expected, but the teaching assistant position is definitely more than he can handle. He’s making it somehow, all the while picking up some pointers from one of his favorite professors, so not everything is a total lost.
“You are almost done, right?” Nichkhun ask. He’s looking at Chansung with a sort of reverence, and proudness that leaves Chansung feeling guilty for considering his visit a nuisance.
“Graduation is this summer. You are coming right?”
“Your mom already booked me as the photographer for the occasion.” Nichkhun smirks and Chansung laughs. He can already imagine his mother pestering Nichkhun about the affair, and he feels somewhat apologetic to his friend.
“So why are you here Khun?” He finally asks as they make their way to the student commons. He would have offered a tour of the campus, but it is too cold and they are short on time.
“I came with a friend, and since I was in the area, it just happened.”
“You have friends?” Chansung teases.
“Decent ones too. Unlike some people I know…”
“Is a girl isn’t?” The smile that decorates Nichkhun’s handsome face says it all. Chansung is surprised to find out they have been dating for some time now, but he’s happy for his friend. He wants to meet the girl that has Nichkhun giggling and all giddy like a middle schooler, and they promised to meet at a better time. Chansung notices the hesitation as Nichkhun says goodbye, and sighs heavily.
“Just say it Khun. Is going to eat you up if you don’t”
“You know MinJun wanted to be the one to come see you.”
“Oh”
“I think your friendship would suffer if he did. He cares a great deal for Woo, but you noticed that already didn’t you?”
“Why doesn’t he say something, I’m sure that…”
“Would you if you were in his position?” No. He wouldn’t. It’s a bit late now, but he realizes more people had been hurt by this situation then he had originally thought, and the realization leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
“Call him.”
“Khun… I…”
“Nothing Chansung. You don’t owe me any explanations. Just a simple text, ask him if he’s alive, how he’s been. That’s it. Just one call… You may be surprised.”
Nichkhun’s word don’t make a difference. Is what he tells himself later that afternoon. The library is mostly quiet save for a few students that would whisper amongst each other every once in a while. He takes refuge there, unwilling to face the emptiness of his apartment. Ever since Seulong moved out after graduation last semester, the place had become nothing but a cruel reminder of how isolated Chansung had kept himself.
He wasn’t alone. He knew people, knew their faces, some of their names. A lot of them recognize him as he walked around campus, others knew him from class or his old job at the restaurant. Acquaintances. He had a lot of those. Friends? He had done an amazing job at pushing those away.
The realization was like a punch in the face, and the worst part was that it had taken him this long to realized it. He picks up the phone, but the courage to dial the number is not there. Is not Taecyeon the person he needs to call, though he wants to. Khun never mentioned any names, but he didn’t have to.
Hey. *delete* Can we talk? *delete*
About what? How big of an asshole Chansung had been? Yeah, that conversation was sure to end well.
I’m sorry. *delete*
That apology is long overdue and giving it in a text message just didn’t seem right. He’ll call later. He’ll come up with the right words to say and he would reach out to Wooyoung later. Only he doesn’t.
vii.
Is the last day of class before the beginning of spring break when he receives the call. He’s in the middle of talking to some sophomores when his phone goes off and he looks at it, not really expecting anything, and is caught off guard by the name on the caller id.
“Hey.” He’s greeting is a bit hesitant, somewhat unsure. His stomach has already done a few back flips and he has to use a nearby wall for support.
Wow, you are alive!
The response is cheery, and the flicker of hope is enough to make Chansung smile a little.
“You are one to talk Jang Wooyoung. So how’s life?”
Can’t complaint. Listen, spring break. Any plans?
Yes. He does. There’s a few lectures he was hoping to attend, and a few teachers he needs to pester for recommendation letters. He’s less than 2 months from graduating, and if he plays his cards right he may be able to land a teaching position with the school. He has plans. Plans that would paved the way for a future that he had been preparing for four years now. A future that over the years had slowly lost its luminescence. The answers to Wooyoung’s questions after that point doesn't require much consideration.
“Nothing I can’t put off for a few days. What’s up?”
He doesn’t remember the last time he had a chance to go to the beach, and now he wonders why in the world he took so long. The breeze feels good on his face and expose arms, and he doesn’t even mind that sand is getting on his shorts and shoes. Is a calming night. The breeze cold yet soothing, and the night sky is clear in this part of the world. He can see every single light in the sky, even the satellites, shinning brighter than most stars, look beautiful at the moment.
“Nice isn’t it?” Wooyoung murmurs from beside him, and Chansung consents with a nod. Glad that he agreed to go on a night stroll with Wooyoung. Truthfully, he had been a bit reluctant when Wooyoung extended the invitation. A few days at a rented beach house was a lot more than he could have expected after not seeing the other for months.
“Best idea you have had. EVER.”
“It was Khunnie’s idea though. Coming here I mean” Wooyoung says. He’s settling himself in the sand, looking away from Chansung and to the sky. Sand is getting in his hair, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Instead, he closes his eyes and sighs. Chansung settles his gaze in the ocean in front of him. A dark reflective surface, vast and mysterious, and in his opinion astonishingly beautiful. He never considered himself a romantic. Not really. But weren’t all philosophers romantics in their own way? Either way, this seems like as good a time, and place as ever to get certain things off his chest. Perhaps Wooyoung had the same idea, and that was why they were here alone tonight, a day before the rest of the guys.
“Are we ok Woo?”
“Honestly…” Wooyoung hesitates, and Chansung holds his breath. “Not really, but we have to- no, I have to get over this at one point of another right?”
“Maybe if I we had never-“
“What if, what if, what if. You know how much I hate that damn word.” Wooyoung cuts in, sitting up now. “Don’t tell me you regret it now, ‘cause that would be some shitty shit Chansung.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Good.”
Chansung wants to say more. He wants to tell Wooyoung he was sorry. He was sorry because it was never his intention for things to turn out the way they did. Wooyoung didn’t have to say it. He didn’t have to speak of the way he felt, Chansung knew. And perhaps had the circumstances been any different, he may have been able to reciprocate such feelings. But they weren’t. And Wooyoung was being the bigger person and giving Chansung the chance to start with a clean slate. It wasn’t fair.
“I envy your ability to substitute optimism for reality.”
“Have been watching Bones again?"
“I’m serious Woo. What about tomorrow? When we are all together and Taecyeon and I see each other again? Would you be this cool and understanding?”
“And I hate your pessimism and negativity.” Wooyoung was quick to respond. Sharp tongue and ready to counter anything Chansung threw his way.
“It’s always the same with you. Always worrying about shit that has not happened. I get it, I do. You want to focus in school, and do well. Is too fucking expensive not to, but can you honestly tell me there wasn’t a single weekend you could spare? Were you always so busy you couldn’t pick up a phone and call? Or even answer when people call you?”
Out of the many possible directions their conversation could have taken this was definitely not the one Chansung was expecting. “I don’t want to change. I want things between us to always stay the same. Remember when you said that?”
“Idiotic, and foolish words.”
“And I the big idiot crushing on another idiot.” Wooyoung says, his body deflating, anger subsiding, falling back into the sand as he lets his words sink in. They reach Chansung at an abnormally slow speed and when he finally gets it, he stares at Wooyoung, dumbfounded.
“That’s a long time Woo…”
“Since before you and Taecyeon sneaked off behind the bleachers after that horrendous homecoming game.”
“We won that game…”
“And in the euphoria Taecyeon when ahead and confess. Yeah. Horrible.”
They shared a laugh, a moment of silence and a gentle brush of their hands as they touch over the sand. They had moved considerably closer, almost unconsciously. The touch didn’t have any effect on Chansung. He didn’t feel his heart race, or his pulse quicken. He didn’t feel that euphoric need to touch the other, not like he did when it was Taecyeon the one sitting this close. It wasn’t fair to Wooyoung. For him to be thinking about someone else under the circumstances, but it couldn’t be helped.
“Not everything has a great philosophical meaning behind it Channie, you don’t need to figure everything out, not everything requires advance thinking. You broke things off with Taec because you were worried about what would happen when you two went your separate ways, then look what happened the second you two got back together? It just goes to prove you never really gave yourself a chance to get over it.”
He pauses in between words, gives Chansung a chance to register them, before continuing with a very accurate account of how Chansung has single handily ruin his personal life.
“Then you got me, going out of my way to make you notice me. Forcing my presence on you as much as I could, yet you were too busy looking ahead to notice that I was serious the whole time. That I wasn’t playing any games. That I was standing right there, just waiting.” He pauses now, sighs deeply, and there is no resentment or accusation in his voice, simply concern. Concern for a good friend.
“Just, slow down Channie. Take it day by day. What happened in the pass can’t be changed, what’s going to happen tomorrow can’t be predicted. The only thing you can control is what’s going on now, at this precise moment. And if you don’t take a second to enjoy it, the day is going to come when you’ll regret it.”
Wooyoung’s words are a whisper, almost inaudible over the sound of the waves hitting the shore, but Chansung hears every word, and takes it to heart. He knows Wooyoung has a point, but he can’t promise the other that he would change. He cannot bring himself to lie to a friend. He would try though, he can at least do that much. He also knows that come tomorrow he would most likely hurt him again. That’s something else that can’t be helped, but then he thinks of MinJun and thinks that maybe, if he can’t do anything for Wooyoung, he can encourage someone else to.
“Day by day…” Chansung repeats as he gets up from the floor and wipes the sand off his pants. Some of it falls on Wooyoung in the process, and he tries to kick Chansung but fails, he has already walked away. The mood is suddenly a lot lighter, and Chansung turns around to give Wooyoung a mischievous smile.
“Channie…” Wooyoung calls out, somewhat wary of the way Chansung was kicking off his shoes, and moving awfully close to the shore.
“Hwang Chansung!”
“You told me to enjoy myself.”
“Chan….”
“Come on Wooyoungie! Live a little!”
“Possibly drowning does not translate into enjoyment. Chan… Hwang Chansung!”
“I really hate you.”
“No you don’t.”
By now he was by the shore, and Wooyoung curse to himself, taking off his own shoes and following Chansung who was already knee deep in the water.
Chansung has never been good at avoiding awkwardness. Most times than not he’s the source of the problem and this time is not the exception. He and Taecyeon had not shared more than polite pleasantries since the other had arrived and two days into their trip there seems to be no hope of improvement. He takes refuge in the porch where MinJun had snuck out to have a smoke. The older glances in his direction, but doesn’t say a word, going back to stare into the night as if Chansung had not been there at all.
Chansung wonders when he had picked up the habit, he doesn’t remember MinJun been a smoker. His friend looks a lot older nowadays, his shoulders seem to weight him down more than ever, yet the smile never falters. If anything, it grows brighter, dazzling, a well fabricated illusion to disguise the turmoil currently happening within.
“You know Khunie’s reasons for bringing us out here right?” He finally says and Chansung is quick to look away. Feeling like he had been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. “For us to spend time together.”
“And other things.” He takes another hit, inhales deep and holds it in for a while, the smoke slowly billowing out as he parts his lips. He makes it seem like a form of art. A moment worthy of one of those random pictures Nichkhun enjoys taking.
“I wouldn’t take it personal if you were to punch me in the face right now.” Chansung adds. He needs something to break the tension. A wrecking ball to bring down the wall that had risen between him and a good friend without his notice.
“Do not tempt me boy. I don’t need that much incentive.” MinJun’s tone is harsh, but he smiles. Chansung takes a step back anyway, just in case.
“What happened to us MinJun?” Chansung asks. But there is so much more behind the question than what he’s saying aloud, but it seems that words are superfluous and MinJun knows exactly what he’s asking.
“Nothing happened to us Channie. People grow up. They change in order to adapt to the world and circumstances around them. We grew up Channie, you just weren’t around to notice. It was your decision to keep your distance.”
He flicks away the rest of the cigarette, and there’s a moment of silence. Chansung doesn’t have anything to say, and he figures neither does MinJun. The silence is comforting and he enjoys it for a little while, until a familiar figure comes out onto the porch to fetch them.
“Food’s ready. You two coming?”
“You cooked?” MinJun asks, and Junho shakes his head.
“Worse. Wooyoung helped.”
“Lord.”
“Taecyeon said it was edible?”
“Taecyeon. Really?”
“I know. Should we order pizza?”
“Fuck you, the both of you.” Wooyoung adds coming out into the porch and not so gently shoving Junho out of the way. “You coming in Channie?”
“In a minute.”
“Hyung?” He turns to MinJun now, and the older gives him a sly nod, a warm smile, and a lingering look that Wooyoung fails to notice, going back inside and dragging Junho with him.
“Are we ok MinJun?” Chansung asks, a hand on MinJun’s shoulder. Chansung feels the shoulder rise and fall as MinJun shrugs. He turns around, and smiles.
“Yeah, we ok.”
Sunset finds them scatter by the beach. A group of locals had gathered and MinJun and Wooyoung insisted some socializing would do them good. The aforementioned were quick to disappear amongst the crowd, the last time he was seen Khun and Junho the two had been butchering s’mores by the fire. All conveniently leaving Chansung on his own. Chansung wonders if they knew just how obvious they were, and a small part of him tells him that yes, they did.
Chansung finds a spot near the shore, away from the crowd, and buries his toes in the sand. A bond fire burns bright behind him, yet the heat coming from the fire means nothing in comparison to the warmth he feels coming from the person that after a moment’s hesitation, decides to take a seat next to Chansung.
Taecyeon doesn’t say anything at first, simply sipping from a plastic cup. There is something different about him tonight. Perhaps is the sly tan he has gotten from spending the afternoon in the sun, or the way the light from the fire seem to make his skin glow under the dim light. Whatever it is, he finds it hard to ignore, and it’s hard to look away even after Taecyeon catches him staring. He holds that gaze for a while, loses himself in the dark irises, and is enchanted by the orange glow of the fire he sees there.
Taecyeon clears his throat and the moment passes as quickly as it happens. The sounds of laugher and idle talk going on around them, that just a moment ago seem muted, were now loud reminders that they weren’t alone. That the things they really wanted to say and do would have to wait for a later time.
“How many of those have you had?” He questions, referring to the now empty cup in Taecyeon’s hand. A neutral subject. Something safe to talk about.
“Not as many as I should have, but obviously a lot more than you.” He smiles then, and Chansung notices the small wrinkles at the corner of his eyes as he does, the lonely dimple that forms on his cheek. Is the small details that Chansung misses the most. Knowing a person in an intimate enough level, that you can know what they are thinking simply by the expressions they make, by the tone of their voices. Chansung wants that. He wants to get to know Taecyeon all over again. He wants to get to know the man his friend has become. He wants to pick up where they left off and actually try it out. Not be afraid of things not working out. He wants to make something of these things he feels when Taecyeon comes near.
“I’m sorry.” He says. Apologizing for so many things.
“Me too.” Taecyeon answers, and is up to him to continue the conversation. Chansung doesn’t even know where to begin. They could talk for hours, about the many things that when wrong, and the so very few that when right, but at the moment nothing comes to mind.
That night Chansung crashes in the couch. Everyone is asleep, the house is quiet, and Chansung sits in front of the big glass doors that gives view to a perfectly clear night. Next to him Taecyeon dozes off, glasses hanging low on the bridge of his nose and his mouth slyly open. Chansung smiles, but doesn’t miss the chance to capture the moment with his phone. Taecyeon will be mad. He doesn’t really care.
He puts the phone away, considers what he’s about to do and in the next second he leans closer, his lips on Taecyeon’s shoulder, he couldn’t help it. There’s a salty tang to Taecyeon’s skin that reminds him of the sea water they had been splashing in not too long ago. He can feel the sand stuck in Taecyeon’s hair as he runs his fingers through the tangled mess, and even though they are sitting in an air condition room, Taecyeon’s body is warm like the scorching sun they had been under just this afternoon.
Time seems to have stopped. He’s not aware of anything but the man he just can’t seem to stop touching. He doesn’t really care about tomorrow, and getting back home. He doesn’t even care what could possibly happen 5 minutes from now. He wants to enjoy what’s going on right now, at this very moment. The next thing Chansung touches is Taecyeon’s lip, and is pleased to discover just how reciprocating Taecyeon can be.
viii.
Chansung is just another face amongst the crowd, all dress in shiny black robes and matching caps, all identical to the ones he wears over the tailor suit he has ordered for the occasion.
He looks around, so many faces, faces without a name, and faces for which he realizes he doesn’t really care. He finds the ones that matter, the ones gather together in the far left corner of the room. They are the ones that scream the loudest when Chansung walks up the stage and receives the piece of paper that tells the world he finally made it. They are the ones that shower him with hugs and praises when all is finally over. They are the ones, he realizes only at that very moment, that make this all the more worthwhile.
There is a phone call Chansung can't help but ignore.
He was in the middle of a lecture and this particular class host some of his more devoted students. Even now, after everyone had left the hall, some stayed behind, asking questions and wanting clarification. Is not until after his last student had left that Chansung acknowledges the one person waiting at the back of the room.
His hair is no longer that artificial platinum blonde, is a warm brown that makes his foxy features seem even more mischievous than usual. Chansung thinks that it suits him, but refrains from commenting. Instead, he pulls Wooyoung in for a hug. It’s been a while.
The last time he had seen Wooyoung was on the day the other mounted a plane and left for an overseas internship the day after Chansung’s graduation. That was a year ago, give or take, and a lot had happened since. And for once, Chansung was there to witness it all.
There was Nichkhun’s engagement, and MinJun’s crazy birthday party that Chansung wishes he could forget. The anniversary of Junho’s dad’s passing and the beautiful memorial that was held. There’s Chansung’s appointment as a teacher at the community college of their home town. Sure is a step down from his original dream job, but is a lot closer to home. Not to mention he now shares an apartment with Taecyeon, and despite the disagreements, and Taecyeon’s stinky feet, is actually so much better than Chansung could have imagined.
Wooyoung shares stories of his own. He speaks of the many places he visited, and the great experiences he had managed to accumulate up until now. Of the art seminars, and the many talented people he had met. He tells Chansung of the confession he received the day before he left, and wonders briefly where he could find MinJun at this time of the day. There was something he need it to say.
“So how you been Chansung?” Wooyoung asks after a while, and Chansung smiles. Such a simple question. So many possible answers, but at the end he simply shrugs, grabbing his briefcase and the lesson plan for his next class. He promised to meet Taecyeon for an early dinner, and he’s hoping Wooyoung would like to join them.
“Following the advice a good friend gave me once,” Chansung says, his arm resting lazily on Wooyoung’s shoulder. “Just taking it one day at time.”
Just when Chansung feels like things are finally starting to settle Nichkhun pays him a visit.
Is the middle of the day, a cold February afternoon, and three months since Taecyeon had visited his apartment. That is what Chansung assumes Nichkhun is here for. As a mediator. Chansung much rather go home and tackle the lesson plan he’s supposed to be going over for the next week.
“How are classes going?”
“Brutal.” He admits. Comp. Ethics is not as hard as he had expected, but the teaching assistant position is definitely more than he can handle. He’s making it somehow, all the while picking up some pointers from one of his favorite professors, so not everything is a total lost.
“You are almost done, right?” Nichkhun ask. He’s looking at Chansung with a sort of reverence, and proudness that leaves Chansung feeling guilty for considering his visit a nuisance.
“Graduation is this summer. You are coming right?”
“Your mom already booked me as the photographer for the occasion.” Nichkhun smirks and Chansung laughs. He can already imagine his mother pestering Nichkhun about the affair, and he feels somewhat apologetic to his friend.
“So why are you here Khun?” He finally asks as they make their way to the student commons. He would have offered a tour of the campus, but it is too cold and they are short on time.
“I came with a friend, and since I was in the area, it just happened.”
“You have friends?” Chansung teases.
“Decent ones too. Unlike some people I know…”
“Is a girl isn’t?” The smile that decorates Nichkhun’s handsome face says it all. Chansung is surprised to find out they have been dating for some time now, but he’s happy for his friend. He wants to meet the girl that has Nichkhun giggling and all giddy like a middle schooler, and they promised to meet at a better time. Chansung notices the hesitation as Nichkhun says goodbye, and sighs heavily.
“Just say it Khun. Is going to eat you up if you don’t”
“You know MinJun wanted to be the one to come see you.”
“Oh”
“I think your friendship would suffer if he did. He cares a great deal for Woo, but you noticed that already didn’t you?”
“Why doesn’t he say something, I’m sure that…”
“Would you if you were in his position?” No. He wouldn’t. It’s a bit late now, but he realizes more people had been hurt by this situation then he had originally thought, and the realization leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
“Call him.”
“Khun… I…”
“Nothing Chansung. You don’t owe me any explanations. Just a simple text, ask him if he’s alive, how he’s been. That’s it. Just one call… You may be surprised.”
Nichkhun’s word don’t make a difference. Is what he tells himself later that afternoon. The library is mostly quiet save for a few students that would whisper amongst each other every once in a while. He takes refuge there, unwilling to face the emptiness of his apartment. Ever since Seulong moved out after graduation last semester, the place had become nothing but a cruel reminder of how isolated Chansung had kept himself.
He wasn’t alone. He knew people, knew their faces, some of their names. A lot of them recognize him as he walked around campus, others knew him from class or his old job at the restaurant. Acquaintances. He had a lot of those. Friends? He had done an amazing job at pushing those away.
The realization was like a punch in the face, and the worst part was that it had taken him this long to realized it. He picks up the phone, but the courage to dial the number is not there. Is not Taecyeon the person he needs to call, though he wants to. Khun never mentioned any names, but he didn’t have to.
Hey. *delete* Can we talk? *delete*
About what? How big of an asshole Chansung had been? Yeah, that conversation was sure to end well.
I’m sorry. *delete*
That apology is long overdue and giving it in a text message just didn’t seem right. He’ll call later. He’ll come up with the right words to say and he would reach out to Wooyoung later. Only he doesn’t.
vii.
Is the last day of class before the beginning of spring break when he receives the call. He’s in the middle of talking to some sophomores when his phone goes off and he looks at it, not really expecting anything, and is caught off guard by the name on the caller id.
“Hey.” He’s greeting is a bit hesitant, somewhat unsure. His stomach has already done a few back flips and he has to use a nearby wall for support.
Wow, you are alive!
The response is cheery, and the flicker of hope is enough to make Chansung smile a little.
“You are one to talk Jang Wooyoung. So how’s life?”
Can’t complaint. Listen, spring break. Any plans?
Yes. He does. There’s a few lectures he was hoping to attend, and a few teachers he needs to pester for recommendation letters. He’s less than 2 months from graduating, and if he plays his cards right he may be able to land a teaching position with the school. He has plans. Plans that would paved the way for a future that he had been preparing for four years now. A future that over the years had slowly lost its luminescence. The answers to Wooyoung’s questions after that point doesn't require much consideration.
“Nothing I can’t put off for a few days. What’s up?”
He doesn’t remember the last time he had a chance to go to the beach, and now he wonders why in the world he took so long. The breeze feels good on his face and expose arms, and he doesn’t even mind that sand is getting on his shorts and shoes. Is a calming night. The breeze cold yet soothing, and the night sky is clear in this part of the world. He can see every single light in the sky, even the satellites, shinning brighter than most stars, look beautiful at the moment.
“Nice isn’t it?” Wooyoung murmurs from beside him, and Chansung consents with a nod. Glad that he agreed to go on a night stroll with Wooyoung. Truthfully, he had been a bit reluctant when Wooyoung extended the invitation. A few days at a rented beach house was a lot more than he could have expected after not seeing the other for months.
“Best idea you have had. EVER.”
“It was Khunnie’s idea though. Coming here I mean” Wooyoung says. He’s settling himself in the sand, looking away from Chansung and to the sky. Sand is getting in his hair, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Instead, he closes his eyes and sighs. Chansung settles his gaze in the ocean in front of him. A dark reflective surface, vast and mysterious, and in his opinion astonishingly beautiful. He never considered himself a romantic. Not really. But weren’t all philosophers romantics in their own way? Either way, this seems like as good a time, and place as ever to get certain things off his chest. Perhaps Wooyoung had the same idea, and that was why they were here alone tonight, a day before the rest of the guys.
“Are we ok Woo?”
“Honestly…” Wooyoung hesitates, and Chansung holds his breath. “Not really, but we have to- no, I have to get over this at one point of another right?”
“Maybe if I we had never-“
“What if, what if, what if. You know how much I hate that damn word.” Wooyoung cuts in, sitting up now. “Don’t tell me you regret it now, ‘cause that would be some shitty shit Chansung.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Good.”
Chansung wants to say more. He wants to tell Wooyoung he was sorry. He was sorry because it was never his intention for things to turn out the way they did. Wooyoung didn’t have to say it. He didn’t have to speak of the way he felt, Chansung knew. And perhaps had the circumstances been any different, he may have been able to reciprocate such feelings. But they weren’t. And Wooyoung was being the bigger person and giving Chansung the chance to start with a clean slate. It wasn’t fair.
“I envy your ability to substitute optimism for reality.”
“Have been watching Bones again?"
“I’m serious Woo. What about tomorrow? When we are all together and Taecyeon and I see each other again? Would you be this cool and understanding?”
“And I hate your pessimism and negativity.” Wooyoung was quick to respond. Sharp tongue and ready to counter anything Chansung threw his way.
“It’s always the same with you. Always worrying about shit that has not happened. I get it, I do. You want to focus in school, and do well. Is too fucking expensive not to, but can you honestly tell me there wasn’t a single weekend you could spare? Were you always so busy you couldn’t pick up a phone and call? Or even answer when people call you?”
Out of the many possible directions their conversation could have taken this was definitely not the one Chansung was expecting. “I don’t want to change. I want things between us to always stay the same. Remember when you said that?”
“Idiotic, and foolish words.”
“And I the big idiot crushing on another idiot.” Wooyoung says, his body deflating, anger subsiding, falling back into the sand as he lets his words sink in. They reach Chansung at an abnormally slow speed and when he finally gets it, he stares at Wooyoung, dumbfounded.
“That’s a long time Woo…”
“Since before you and Taecyeon sneaked off behind the bleachers after that horrendous homecoming game.”
“We won that game…”
“And in the euphoria Taecyeon when ahead and confess. Yeah. Horrible.”
They shared a laugh, a moment of silence and a gentle brush of their hands as they touch over the sand. They had moved considerably closer, almost unconsciously. The touch didn’t have any effect on Chansung. He didn’t feel his heart race, or his pulse quicken. He didn’t feel that euphoric need to touch the other, not like he did when it was Taecyeon the one sitting this close. It wasn’t fair to Wooyoung. For him to be thinking about someone else under the circumstances, but it couldn’t be helped.
“Not everything has a great philosophical meaning behind it Channie, you don’t need to figure everything out, not everything requires advance thinking. You broke things off with Taec because you were worried about what would happen when you two went your separate ways, then look what happened the second you two got back together? It just goes to prove you never really gave yourself a chance to get over it.”
He pauses in between words, gives Chansung a chance to register them, before continuing with a very accurate account of how Chansung has single handily ruin his personal life.
“Then you got me, going out of my way to make you notice me. Forcing my presence on you as much as I could, yet you were too busy looking ahead to notice that I was serious the whole time. That I wasn’t playing any games. That I was standing right there, just waiting.” He pauses now, sighs deeply, and there is no resentment or accusation in his voice, simply concern. Concern for a good friend.
“Just, slow down Channie. Take it day by day. What happened in the pass can’t be changed, what’s going to happen tomorrow can’t be predicted. The only thing you can control is what’s going on now, at this precise moment. And if you don’t take a second to enjoy it, the day is going to come when you’ll regret it.”
Wooyoung’s words are a whisper, almost inaudible over the sound of the waves hitting the shore, but Chansung hears every word, and takes it to heart. He knows Wooyoung has a point, but he can’t promise the other that he would change. He cannot bring himself to lie to a friend. He would try though, he can at least do that much. He also knows that come tomorrow he would most likely hurt him again. That’s something else that can’t be helped, but then he thinks of MinJun and thinks that maybe, if he can’t do anything for Wooyoung, he can encourage someone else to.
“Day by day…” Chansung repeats as he gets up from the floor and wipes the sand off his pants. Some of it falls on Wooyoung in the process, and he tries to kick Chansung but fails, he has already walked away. The mood is suddenly a lot lighter, and Chansung turns around to give Wooyoung a mischievous smile.
“Channie…” Wooyoung calls out, somewhat wary of the way Chansung was kicking off his shoes, and moving awfully close to the shore.
“Hwang Chansung!”
“You told me to enjoy myself.”
“Chan….”
“Come on Wooyoungie! Live a little!”
“Possibly drowning does not translate into enjoyment. Chan… Hwang Chansung!”
“I really hate you.”
“No you don’t.”
By now he was by the shore, and Wooyoung curse to himself, taking off his own shoes and following Chansung who was already knee deep in the water.
Chansung has never been good at avoiding awkwardness. Most times than not he’s the source of the problem and this time is not the exception. He and Taecyeon had not shared more than polite pleasantries since the other had arrived and two days into their trip there seems to be no hope of improvement. He takes refuge in the porch where MinJun had snuck out to have a smoke. The older glances in his direction, but doesn’t say a word, going back to stare into the night as if Chansung had not been there at all.
Chansung wonders when he had picked up the habit, he doesn’t remember MinJun been a smoker. His friend looks a lot older nowadays, his shoulders seem to weight him down more than ever, yet the smile never falters. If anything, it grows brighter, dazzling, a well fabricated illusion to disguise the turmoil currently happening within.
“You know Khunie’s reasons for bringing us out here right?” He finally says and Chansung is quick to look away. Feeling like he had been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. “For us to spend time together.”
“And other things.” He takes another hit, inhales deep and holds it in for a while, the smoke slowly billowing out as he parts his lips. He makes it seem like a form of art. A moment worthy of one of those random pictures Nichkhun enjoys taking.
“I wouldn’t take it personal if you were to punch me in the face right now.” Chansung adds. He needs something to break the tension. A wrecking ball to bring down the wall that had risen between him and a good friend without his notice.
“Do not tempt me boy. I don’t need that much incentive.” MinJun’s tone is harsh, but he smiles. Chansung takes a step back anyway, just in case.
“What happened to us MinJun?” Chansung asks. But there is so much more behind the question than what he’s saying aloud, but it seems that words are superfluous and MinJun knows exactly what he’s asking.
“Nothing happened to us Channie. People grow up. They change in order to adapt to the world and circumstances around them. We grew up Channie, you just weren’t around to notice. It was your decision to keep your distance.”
He flicks away the rest of the cigarette, and there’s a moment of silence. Chansung doesn’t have anything to say, and he figures neither does MinJun. The silence is comforting and he enjoys it for a little while, until a familiar figure comes out onto the porch to fetch them.
“Food’s ready. You two coming?”
“You cooked?” MinJun asks, and Junho shakes his head.
“Worse. Wooyoung helped.”
“Lord.”
“Taecyeon said it was edible?”
“Taecyeon. Really?”
“I know. Should we order pizza?”
“Fuck you, the both of you.” Wooyoung adds coming out into the porch and not so gently shoving Junho out of the way. “You coming in Channie?”
“In a minute.”
“Hyung?” He turns to MinJun now, and the older gives him a sly nod, a warm smile, and a lingering look that Wooyoung fails to notice, going back inside and dragging Junho with him.
“Are we ok MinJun?” Chansung asks, a hand on MinJun’s shoulder. Chansung feels the shoulder rise and fall as MinJun shrugs. He turns around, and smiles.
“Yeah, we ok.”
Sunset finds them scatter by the beach. A group of locals had gathered and MinJun and Wooyoung insisted some socializing would do them good. The aforementioned were quick to disappear amongst the crowd, the last time he was seen Khun and Junho the two had been butchering s’mores by the fire. All conveniently leaving Chansung on his own. Chansung wonders if they knew just how obvious they were, and a small part of him tells him that yes, they did.
Chansung finds a spot near the shore, away from the crowd, and buries his toes in the sand. A bond fire burns bright behind him, yet the heat coming from the fire means nothing in comparison to the warmth he feels coming from the person that after a moment’s hesitation, decides to take a seat next to Chansung.
Taecyeon doesn’t say anything at first, simply sipping from a plastic cup. There is something different about him tonight. Perhaps is the sly tan he has gotten from spending the afternoon in the sun, or the way the light from the fire seem to make his skin glow under the dim light. Whatever it is, he finds it hard to ignore, and it’s hard to look away even after Taecyeon catches him staring. He holds that gaze for a while, loses himself in the dark irises, and is enchanted by the orange glow of the fire he sees there.
Taecyeon clears his throat and the moment passes as quickly as it happens. The sounds of laugher and idle talk going on around them, that just a moment ago seem muted, were now loud reminders that they weren’t alone. That the things they really wanted to say and do would have to wait for a later time.
“How many of those have you had?” He questions, referring to the now empty cup in Taecyeon’s hand. A neutral subject. Something safe to talk about.
“Not as many as I should have, but obviously a lot more than you.” He smiles then, and Chansung notices the small wrinkles at the corner of his eyes as he does, the lonely dimple that forms on his cheek. Is the small details that Chansung misses the most. Knowing a person in an intimate enough level, that you can know what they are thinking simply by the expressions they make, by the tone of their voices. Chansung wants that. He wants to get to know Taecyeon all over again. He wants to get to know the man his friend has become. He wants to pick up where they left off and actually try it out. Not be afraid of things not working out. He wants to make something of these things he feels when Taecyeon comes near.
“I’m sorry.” He says. Apologizing for so many things.
“Me too.” Taecyeon answers, and is up to him to continue the conversation. Chansung doesn’t even know where to begin. They could talk for hours, about the many things that when wrong, and the so very few that when right, but at the moment nothing comes to mind.
That night Chansung crashes in the couch. Everyone is asleep, the house is quiet, and Chansung sits in front of the big glass doors that gives view to a perfectly clear night. Next to him Taecyeon dozes off, glasses hanging low on the bridge of his nose and his mouth slyly open. Chansung smiles, but doesn’t miss the chance to capture the moment with his phone. Taecyeon will be mad. He doesn’t really care.
He puts the phone away, considers what he’s about to do and in the next second he leans closer, his lips on Taecyeon’s shoulder, he couldn’t help it. There’s a salty tang to Taecyeon’s skin that reminds him of the sea water they had been splashing in not too long ago. He can feel the sand stuck in Taecyeon’s hair as he runs his fingers through the tangled mess, and even though they are sitting in an air condition room, Taecyeon’s body is warm like the scorching sun they had been under just this afternoon.
Time seems to have stopped. He’s not aware of anything but the man he just can’t seem to stop touching. He doesn’t really care about tomorrow, and getting back home. He doesn’t even care what could possibly happen 5 minutes from now. He wants to enjoy what’s going on right now, at this very moment. The next thing Chansung touches is Taecyeon’s lip, and is pleased to discover just how reciprocating Taecyeon can be.
viii.
Chansung is just another face amongst the crowd, all dress in shiny black robes and matching caps, all identical to the ones he wears over the tailor suit he has ordered for the occasion.
He looks around, so many faces, faces without a name, and faces for which he realizes he doesn’t really care. He finds the ones that matter, the ones gather together in the far left corner of the room. They are the ones that scream the loudest when Chansung walks up the stage and receives the piece of paper that tells the world he finally made it. They are the ones that shower him with hugs and praises when all is finally over. They are the ones, he realizes only at that very moment, that make this all the more worthwhile.
There is a phone call Chansung can't help but ignore.
He was in the middle of a lecture and this particular class host some of his more devoted students. Even now, after everyone had left the hall, some stayed behind, asking questions and wanting clarification. Is not until after his last student had left that Chansung acknowledges the one person waiting at the back of the room.
His hair is no longer that artificial platinum blonde, is a warm brown that makes his foxy features seem even more mischievous than usual. Chansung thinks that it suits him, but refrains from commenting. Instead, he pulls Wooyoung in for a hug. It’s been a while.
The last time he had seen Wooyoung was on the day the other mounted a plane and left for an overseas internship the day after Chansung’s graduation. That was a year ago, give or take, and a lot had happened since. And for once, Chansung was there to witness it all.
There was Nichkhun’s engagement, and MinJun’s crazy birthday party that Chansung wishes he could forget. The anniversary of Junho’s dad’s passing and the beautiful memorial that was held. There’s Chansung’s appointment as a teacher at the community college of their home town. Sure is a step down from his original dream job, but is a lot closer to home. Not to mention he now shares an apartment with Taecyeon, and despite the disagreements, and Taecyeon’s stinky feet, is actually so much better than Chansung could have imagined.
Wooyoung shares stories of his own. He speaks of the many places he visited, and the great experiences he had managed to accumulate up until now. Of the art seminars, and the many talented people he had met. He tells Chansung of the confession he received the day before he left, and wonders briefly where he could find MinJun at this time of the day. There was something he need it to say.
“So how you been Chansung?” Wooyoung asks after a while, and Chansung smiles. Such a simple question. So many possible answers, but at the end he simply shrugs, grabbing his briefcase and the lesson plan for his next class. He promised to meet Taecyeon for an early dinner, and he’s hoping Wooyoung would like to join them.
“Following the advice a good friend gave me once,” Chansung says, his arm resting lazily on Wooyoung’s shoulder. “Just taking it one day at time.”