Five minute recap of BSG ep. 3x07
I really do enjoy this show...even when I want to hurl large objects at my TV while watching it.
Previously on Battlestar Galactica: The Cylons contracted a deadly virus, forcing them to expound ad nauseum on even the smallest plot points, while Gaius was forced to weasel his way out of execution. Roslin and Gaeta were forced to regurgitate Pythian prophecy and basic astronomy. Helo sent out a memo forcing everyone to mention his wife's new callsign at random intervals, and Adama felt like forcing his foot up Starbuck's & Tigh's asses.
Sharon: It's such a tragedy to see the Cylon basestar so lifeless! And look at all these dead Raiders we have to run over to land there...
Lee: Well, "tragedy" is a relative term - but this is definitely the worst case of galactic roadkill I've ever seen.
Raptor: *bumps into more dead Raiders*
Helo (via the comm): Apollo, be sure to use extreme caution when approaching the basestar!
Lee: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Lee: Yuck! Looks like Dawn of the Dead around here. Athena, go over to that control panel trough thingie and do that voodoo that you do so well.
Sharon: *sticks her hand in congealed Cylon goo and is shocked*
Zombie!Cylons: *revive & moan*
Lee: Crap - it is Dawn of the Dead!
Helo (via the comm): Don't take any chances. If any of them tries to kill you, you kill them right back!
Lee: Are you telling me to kill Cylons 'just in case'? Considering what's going to happen later in this episode, that's pretty ironic.
Zombie!Cylons: *join hands for a final digital rendition of Kumbaya*
Sharon: *enters Cylon zone-out mode & instinctively joins hands with them*
Zombie!Sharon: Save yourself, Sharon! We're all infected and we're all gonna die. Oh and while I'm at it, BRAAAAAIIIIINS!
Lee: Galactica, we have a problem: everyone has just been exposed to some lethal infection here onboard the basestar.
Mathias: Dammit, why do I always draw the shit detail?
Cottle: We'll have to keep everyone in quarantine until I can come up with sufficient technobabble to explain letting them out. Or until they die, whichever comes first.
Adama: Terrific. But I'm not letting you bring that beacon onboard; the potential exposure is too risky. You can expose yourself to the prisoners instead.
Cottle: If you think that'll help...
Lee: Galactica, we're heading back with the prisoners. Hopefully, we'll be able to go back to the basestar later & gather some valuable intel on Cylon techno-
Basestar: *'ASPLODE!*
Lee: Um, Galactica, scratch the last part.
Helo (via the comm): The basestar self-destructed; you guys are lucky to be alive.
Lee: Sharon, you wouldn't by any chance know why the self-destruct went off, would you?
Sharon: *tries to look innocent*
Cinematography: *continues to be plagued by Stanley Kubrickitis*
D'anna/Caprica: Gaius, you lied to us about the beacon onboard that basestar. We know that you knew that they knew it was contaminated.
Gaius: No, I swear I thought it was just something they ordered from the Sharper Image catalog!
D'anna/Caprica: *glare*
Gaius: Well, okay, I may have possibly kinda sorta known it was a little dangerous. But haven't I ratted out humanity enough for you people?
Centurions: *arrive & look menacing*
Gaius: I'll take that as a 'no'...
Gaius: *strapped to the Manicure!Chair!ofDoom!*
D'anna: *turns up the dial on her Grand Inquisitor 2000®*
Gaius: *screams in agony*
Caprica: *in distress* Oh god, I don't think I can bear to watch anymore!
D'anna: But didn't this jerk used to cheat on you day in & day out with tens, maybe even hundreds, of cheap whores?
Caprica: *looks at Gaius*
Caprica: *looks at the Grand Inquisitor 2000®*
Caprica: So, how high does this thing go?
Cottle: Great news everyone; I finished your bloodwork & discovered humans are immune to the Cylon virus.
Pilots/Marines: WOOHOO! We are outta here!
Helo: You haven't done Sharon's blood test yet? You're discriminating against my wife because she's a Cylon!
Cottle: Son, I'm the only doctor for over 42,000 people; cut me some frakkin' slack, will you? Besides, your HMO refused coverage.
Helo: Well, you tell me the results the moment you get the bloodwork done, okay? Now I'm going to show my wife how much I love her by yelling supportive words while remaining behind this plastic curtain, because I don't want to catch what she has.
Cottle: You're really not the brightest crayon in the box, are you? What part of 'humans are immune' do you not understand?
Cottle: I'd explain the virus' pathology in detail, but let me just summarize it using a lot of medical jargon that sounds cool. Since none of you is a doctor, you won't realize my explanation makes no sense anyway. Oh and while I was at it, I whipped up a vaccine...because I'm just that good.
Lee: Why'd you do that? Why would we want to help the Cylons? Last time I checked, they were trying to kill us.
Adama: Yes, but we need them alive long enough to interrogate the crap out of them.
Lee: Okay, but after that can I kill them please?
Laura: If you eat all your vegetables and finish your homework, your father & I will think about it.
Zombie!Simon: *cough* *gasp* The virus has a bioelectric feedback component... *cough* *wheeze* ...it spreads through the resurrection process... *gasp* *choke* ...if it spreads, we could all die... *wheeze* *gasp*
Adama: What were the Cylons doing in this area? Is the Lion's Head Nebula a tourist attraction now?
Zombie!Simon: *choke* *wheeze* Baltar sent us there... *gasp* *cough* ...he's helping us find Earth... *wheeze* *gasp*
Gaeta: BALTAR IS ALIVE?!?
Adama: No can of whoop ass in the universe is big enough for what I plan to open up on that guy when I find him.
Lee: So I have it all figured out. We lure the Cylons - resurrection ship in tow - to a remote area of space; once we're there, we bust a cap in our prisoners. They resurrect, the virus spreads, and voilà! We have a whole lot less Cylons trying to kill us.
Helo: Dude, genocide is harsh! If we do that, then we're just as evil as the Cylons...except that I don't think Cylons are all evil. I mean, just look at how cute'n'cuddly Sharon is. I'm sure there are plenty of nice, gentle, peace-loving Cylons out there...somewhere...possibly...maybe...in a galaxy far, far away. Please, won't someone think of the Cylon children?!?
Lee: Aside from your half-human baby, there are no Cylon children. Cylons aren't born, they're made - remember?
Helo: Well, yeah, but I'm sure the Cylons just want to be our friends if we let them. They did try to peacefully coexist with us on New Caprica.
Laura: As a politician, I'm used to hearing people spew delusional bullshit - but you, Captain, take the cake with that line. You're very lucky my airlock is under repairs right now.
Gaius: *still strapped to the Manicure!Chair!ofDoom! and being tortured*
InvisiSix: Gaius, let me ease your very real pain by sexxing up your pseudo-body. That way, your mind will be free to concentrate on more important things, like baseball or atheist apologetics or whatever it is that you usually ignore me with while we're having sex. And, while you're babbling on about how much you love me, D'anna will think you're talking to her.
Gaius: So D'anna, is it really god's will to torture the crap out of me? I mean, if we really knew god's will, we'd all be gods - am I right?
D'anna: *continues to do some squicky torture to Gaius' ear*
Gaius: AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!
InvisiSix: C'mon baby, work with me here. They didn't flash that 'Viewer discretion advised' warning for nothing...
Gaius: I BELIEVE IN YOU AND LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART! *passes out*
D'anna: OMG, did Gaius just tell me he loved me? That is so sweet! I might have to rethink this whole 'torture-Baltar-until-he-dies' plan.
Sharon: Guess what, honey? Magic cybrid baby blood not only cures cancer, but it's made me immune to the virus! Isn't it cool how deus ex machina works? Now how about some hawt Cylon lovin'?
Helo: Yeah, about that...it seems not everyone around here loves Cylons as much as I do. They're planning on executing the prisoners near the resurrection ship in order to upload the virus.
Sharon: *cries* Genocide really sucks - especially when it gets reversed onto my species. Karma's a bitch...
Adama: Colonial law forbids me from using bioweapons without a direct presidential order, so I'm making you act the heavy in this episode. Also, I'm not entirely sold on this whole genocide thing. I think if we do this, we'll lose part of our humanity in the process.
Laura: Yeah but if we don't do it, we'll lose all humanity - period. Not to worry, Bill; we both know something will go horribly wrong with the plan, or the series would end. So, since we have at least another 12 episodes this season, I'm authorizing the use of bioweapons. Let's go kill us some Cylons.
Adama: DAY-UM! Lady, you are hardcore when you have to be - and I'm just glad you're on our side. Also, hardcore redheads in authority really turn me on...
SciFi Marketing Execs: *post pop-up ad for TV show that blocks FTL jump location...as if showing man-blowing-into-dog's-ass commercials wasn't bad enough*
Galactica: *lures Cylon basestars & resurrection ship to remote location*
Helo: *suspiciously unplugs something important in a hidden panel*
Galactica/Vipers/Raptors: *takes heavy fire from the Cylons*
Lee/Mathias: *go to execute Zombie!Cylons*
Brig Hatch: *acts suspiciously stubborn before being pried open*
Zombie!Cylons: *act suspiciously dead*
Lee: FRAK!!!!!!!!
Helo: It seems like they're always coming for one of us - although I'm sure it has nothing to do with us always pulling stupid stunts like the one I just pulled. But I did it because I can't bear the thought of living without you...
Sharon: Oh Helo! Kiss me, you fool!
Adama: Even though I know damn well Helo sabotaged our plan by asphyxiating the prisoners, I'm not going to do anything about it - except maybe make Tigh my XO instead. I never really liked our genocide plan anyway. Besides, my stubborn desire to sweep major disciplinary problems under the carpet onboard my own ship will provide the writers with plenty of angsty, complicated storylines for future episodes.
Laura: How convenient! But that's okay Bill; our tacit agreement about me not interfering with your command works to our advantage, because my stubborn desire not to call you out for poor decisions will enable this kind of nonsense to last indefinitely.
Adama: Speaking of things that don't make much sense, Cottle reports the big bad Cylon virus was actually caused by someone from the thirteenth colony who sneezed on the beacon 3,000 years ago.
Laura: That's some headcold! But at least we know we're on the right path to Earth.
Adama: Yeah...but thanks to Baltar, so are the Cylons.
Laura: *rubs aching temple* You know that drink I passed on earlier? I think I need it now...
to be continued...
Again, I just want to say thank you to everyone who comments on these recaps - you guys are the best! :-D
Previously on Battlestar Galactica: The Cylons contracted a deadly virus, forcing them to expound ad nauseum on even the smallest plot points, while Gaius was forced to weasel his way out of execution. Roslin and Gaeta were forced to regurgitate Pythian prophecy and basic astronomy. Helo sent out a memo forcing everyone to mention his wife's new callsign at random intervals, and Adama felt like forcing his foot up Starbuck's & Tigh's asses.
Sharon: It's such a tragedy to see the Cylon basestar so lifeless! And look at all these dead Raiders we have to run over to land there...
Lee: Well, "tragedy" is a relative term - but this is definitely the worst case of galactic roadkill I've ever seen.
Raptor: *bumps into more dead Raiders*
Helo (via the comm): Apollo, be sure to use extreme caution when approaching the basestar!
Lee: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Lee: Yuck! Looks like Dawn of the Dead around here. Athena, go over to that control panel trough thingie and do that voodoo that you do so well.
Sharon: *sticks her hand in congealed Cylon goo and is shocked*
Zombie!Cylons: *revive & moan*
Lee: Crap - it is Dawn of the Dead!
Helo (via the comm): Don't take any chances. If any of them tries to kill you, you kill them right back!
Lee: Are you telling me to kill Cylons 'just in case'? Considering what's going to happen later in this episode, that's pretty ironic.
Zombie!Cylons: *join hands for a final digital rendition of Kumbaya*
Sharon: *enters Cylon zone-out mode & instinctively joins hands with them*
Zombie!Sharon: Save yourself, Sharon! We're all infected and we're all gonna die. Oh and while I'm at it, BRAAAAAIIIIINS!
Lee: Galactica, we have a problem: everyone has just been exposed to some lethal infection here onboard the basestar.
Mathias: Dammit, why do I always draw the shit detail?
Cottle: We'll have to keep everyone in quarantine until I can come up with sufficient technobabble to explain letting them out. Or until they die, whichever comes first.
Adama: Terrific. But I'm not letting you bring that beacon onboard; the potential exposure is too risky. You can expose yourself to the prisoners instead.
Cottle: If you think that'll help...
Lee: Galactica, we're heading back with the prisoners. Hopefully, we'll be able to go back to the basestar later & gather some valuable intel on Cylon techno-
Basestar: *'ASPLODE!*
Lee: Um, Galactica, scratch the last part.
Helo (via the comm): The basestar self-destructed; you guys are lucky to be alive.
Lee: Sharon, you wouldn't by any chance know why the self-destruct went off, would you?
Sharon: *tries to look innocent*
Cinematography: *continues to be plagued by Stanley Kubrickitis*
D'anna/Caprica: Gaius, you lied to us about the beacon onboard that basestar. We know that you knew that they knew it was contaminated.
Gaius: No, I swear I thought it was just something they ordered from the Sharper Image catalog!
D'anna/Caprica: *glare*
Gaius: Well, okay, I may have possibly kinda sorta known it was a little dangerous. But haven't I ratted out humanity enough for you people?
Centurions: *arrive & look menacing*
Gaius: I'll take that as a 'no'...
Gaius: *strapped to the Manicure!Chair!ofDoom!*
D'anna: *turns up the dial on her Grand Inquisitor 2000®*
Gaius: *screams in agony*
Caprica: *in distress* Oh god, I don't think I can bear to watch anymore!
D'anna: But didn't this jerk used to cheat on you day in & day out with tens, maybe even hundreds, of cheap whores?
Caprica: *looks at Gaius*
Caprica: *looks at the Grand Inquisitor 2000®*
Caprica: So, how high does this thing go?
Cottle: Great news everyone; I finished your bloodwork & discovered humans are immune to the Cylon virus.
Pilots/Marines: WOOHOO! We are outta here!
Helo: You haven't done Sharon's blood test yet? You're discriminating against my wife because she's a Cylon!
Cottle: Son, I'm the only doctor for over 42,000 people; cut me some frakkin' slack, will you? Besides, your HMO refused coverage.
Helo: Well, you tell me the results the moment you get the bloodwork done, okay? Now I'm going to show my wife how much I love her by yelling supportive words while remaining behind this plastic curtain, because I don't want to catch what she has.
Cottle: You're really not the brightest crayon in the box, are you? What part of 'humans are immune' do you not understand?
Cottle: I'd explain the virus' pathology in detail, but let me just summarize it using a lot of medical jargon that sounds cool. Since none of you is a doctor, you won't realize my explanation makes no sense anyway. Oh and while I was at it, I whipped up a vaccine...because I'm just that good.
Lee: Why'd you do that? Why would we want to help the Cylons? Last time I checked, they were trying to kill us.
Adama: Yes, but we need them alive long enough to interrogate the crap out of them.
Lee: Okay, but after that can I kill them please?
Laura: If you eat all your vegetables and finish your homework, your father & I will think about it.
Zombie!Simon: *cough* *gasp* The virus has a bioelectric feedback component... *cough* *wheeze* ...it spreads through the resurrection process... *gasp* *choke* ...if it spreads, we could all die... *wheeze* *gasp*
Adama: What were the Cylons doing in this area? Is the Lion's Head Nebula a tourist attraction now?
Zombie!Simon: *choke* *wheeze* Baltar sent us there... *gasp* *cough* ...he's helping us find Earth... *wheeze* *gasp*
Gaeta: BALTAR IS ALIVE?!?
Adama: No can of whoop ass in the universe is big enough for what I plan to open up on that guy when I find him.
Lee: So I have it all figured out. We lure the Cylons - resurrection ship in tow - to a remote area of space; once we're there, we bust a cap in our prisoners. They resurrect, the virus spreads, and voilà! We have a whole lot less Cylons trying to kill us.
Helo: Dude, genocide is harsh! If we do that, then we're just as evil as the Cylons...except that I don't think Cylons are all evil. I mean, just look at how cute'n'cuddly Sharon is. I'm sure there are plenty of nice, gentle, peace-loving Cylons out there...somewhere...possibly...maybe...in a galaxy far, far away. Please, won't someone think of the Cylon children?!?
Lee: Aside from your half-human baby, there are no Cylon children. Cylons aren't born, they're made - remember?
Helo: Well, yeah, but I'm sure the Cylons just want to be our friends if we let them. They did try to peacefully coexist with us on New Caprica.
Laura: As a politician, I'm used to hearing people spew delusional bullshit - but you, Captain, take the cake with that line. You're very lucky my airlock is under repairs right now.
Gaius: *still strapped to the Manicure!Chair!ofDoom! and being tortured*
InvisiSix: Gaius, let me ease your very real pain by sexxing up your pseudo-body. That way, your mind will be free to concentrate on more important things, like baseball or atheist apologetics or whatever it is that you usually ignore me with while we're having sex. And, while you're babbling on about how much you love me, D'anna will think you're talking to her.
Gaius: So D'anna, is it really god's will to torture the crap out of me? I mean, if we really knew god's will, we'd all be gods - am I right?
D'anna: *continues to do some squicky torture to Gaius' ear*
Gaius: AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!
InvisiSix: C'mon baby, work with me here. They didn't flash that 'Viewer discretion advised' warning for nothing...
Gaius: I BELIEVE IN YOU AND LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART! *passes out*
D'anna: OMG, did Gaius just tell me he loved me? That is so sweet! I might have to rethink this whole 'torture-Baltar-until-he-dies' plan.
Sharon: Guess what, honey? Magic cybrid baby blood not only cures cancer, but it's made me immune to the virus! Isn't it cool how deus ex machina works? Now how about some hawt Cylon lovin'?
Helo: Yeah, about that...it seems not everyone around here loves Cylons as much as I do. They're planning on executing the prisoners near the resurrection ship in order to upload the virus.
Sharon: *cries* Genocide really sucks - especially when it gets reversed onto my species. Karma's a bitch...
Adama: Colonial law forbids me from using bioweapons without a direct presidential order, so I'm making you act the heavy in this episode. Also, I'm not entirely sold on this whole genocide thing. I think if we do this, we'll lose part of our humanity in the process.
Laura: Yeah but if we don't do it, we'll lose all humanity - period. Not to worry, Bill; we both know something will go horribly wrong with the plan, or the series would end. So, since we have at least another 12 episodes this season, I'm authorizing the use of bioweapons. Let's go kill us some Cylons.
Adama: DAY-UM! Lady, you are hardcore when you have to be - and I'm just glad you're on our side. Also, hardcore redheads in authority really turn me on...
SciFi Marketing Execs: *post pop-up ad for TV show that blocks FTL jump location...as if showing man-blowing-into-dog's-ass commercials wasn't bad enough*
Galactica: *lures Cylon basestars & resurrection ship to remote location*
Helo: *suspiciously unplugs something important in a hidden panel*
Galactica/Vipers/Raptors: *takes heavy fire from the Cylons*
Lee/Mathias: *go to execute Zombie!Cylons*
Brig Hatch: *acts suspiciously stubborn before being pried open*
Zombie!Cylons: *act suspiciously dead*
Lee: FRAK!!!!!!!!
Helo: It seems like they're always coming for one of us - although I'm sure it has nothing to do with us always pulling stupid stunts like the one I just pulled. But I did it because I can't bear the thought of living without you...
Sharon: Oh Helo! Kiss me, you fool!
Adama: Even though I know damn well Helo sabotaged our plan by asphyxiating the prisoners, I'm not going to do anything about it - except maybe make Tigh my XO instead. I never really liked our genocide plan anyway. Besides, my stubborn desire to sweep major disciplinary problems under the carpet onboard my own ship will provide the writers with plenty of angsty, complicated storylines for future episodes.
Laura: How convenient! But that's okay Bill; our tacit agreement about me not interfering with your command works to our advantage, because my stubborn desire not to call you out for poor decisions will enable this kind of nonsense to last indefinitely.
Adama: Speaking of things that don't make much sense, Cottle reports the big bad Cylon virus was actually caused by someone from the thirteenth colony who sneezed on the beacon 3,000 years ago.
Laura: That's some headcold! But at least we know we're on the right path to Earth.
Adama: Yeah...but thanks to Baltar, so are the Cylons.
Laura: *rubs aching temple* You know that drink I passed on earlier? I think I need it now...
to be continued...
Again, I just want to say thank you to everyone who comments on these recaps - you guys are the best! :-D