"COFFEE STAIN"

[doppelgangerqaf]

TITLE: "COFFEE STAIN"
AUTHOR: doppelgangerqaf
BETAED BY: bigj52 and atomic_dawn.
RATING: I'm giving it an R.
GENRE: Ficlet.
WORD COUNT: 359 words.
A/N: Suggestions, criticisms are all welcome! Thanks!

Comments

[bkrave]

Very good. Very delusional girl i feel kind of sad for her

[eliriel]

This is really good.Loved the unexpected end.

[ami_xxx]

Well-written! It held me from beginning until end and that's definitely a mark of a great piece of writing.

[mercycredence]

Beautifully written, captivating imagery. Robert Frost meets EA Poe, in your own unique way.

I don't know if you really need the last line... It seems a bit repetitive. The simple sentence, "But she's yours," conveys the meaning and anything further only dilutes the power of that final moment of realization for the reader, I think.

Just my opinion, as a fellow writer.

[mentalkitchen]

You did a good job of changing the tone of the story quickly, yet subtly. I only have two suggestions. First, try to rewrite a few of the sentences with ellipses so that it has the same tone. You're too good of a writer to hide behind so many ellipses. Second, consider changing the narrator from second person singular (you) to third person singular (he). I feel like the story might be more shocking if there was more distance between the narrator and the reader. When we use second person "you" it makes the reader (male or female) picture themselves as the agent in the story. I think that your piece would do a better job of making the reader fell uneasy towards the end if the narrator was just a man in the world with dark and desperate intentions.

Thanks for sharing your work!

[mentalkitchen]

whoops, my comment had a typo. I meant "feel uneasy." How embarrassing!