(no subject)
I'm sorry to have a huge rant on here about me and my state of depression but i have to get it out, and as much as i love my boy, theres no way i can talk to him about it. Theres no point in stressing him out more than necersary, expecially when me just being a bit upset makes him sick.
so here i am, having spent every night i can without him knowing drunk as a doornail (dont ask why doornails are drunk) and crying myself to sleep. This is been going on for awhile now, but its worse now dads gone away. i really do miss him.
its just everything i have ever held dear to me has gone. i have no ambition at all, and i listen to my friends talk about their passions and what sort of careers they want, and i just think to myself that i have no passion. there is nothing i am really good at. i have no idea what career i want. im not good for anything. hell, my parents wont even let me do my amus... even though i know thats for other reasons, it still hurts me. ive had to temp leave sbs coz of uni, and although im no great cellist, that was something i was proud of. i do need to join another orchestra though.
the only work i do atm is teaching, which i do really enjoy, but when all said and done, its still just part of my parents. and i do want to keep teaching, but i dont want to only teach. i want to have something thats mine. something i can be all proud of by myself.
but im realising that its never going ot happen. and i just cry every time i think about it.
and i still havnt gone to the doc to get my problems fixed either, and having so many bodily malfuntions just adds to depression.
my mum keeps saying that i do have a passion, its people. but what a cop. i spose parents have to say things like that.
i feel sorry for mum too. dads away, even though shes glad for him to be gone for a bit, but all im good for is crying and making the best attempt i can to cover up any trace of depression, hence all the grog ive been drinking.
i should really go to church again. iu havnt been in so long, and its slack of me. i might find enlightenment or something. its gonna take a miricle to fix me up atm.
im also sick of being so god damn fat. i know every girl complains, but my sister has had a baby, is a good foot taller than me and still weighs less. i cant fit any old cloths, and for all me trying to loose weight, ir eally dont think its doing much. i might just resign to being a blimp on the dole.
anyway, sorry for teh self indulgent rant. i jsut have to get it out without upsetting certain people more than i already do.