if you were any hotter, you'll make us all go extinct.
if you were any hotter, you'll make us all go extinct.
DINOSAUR AU!!!!!!!
pairings: chanyeol/kris, chanyeol/kyungsoo
rating: pg
genre: crack
wordcount: 1244
summary: chanyeol is a deinonychus in love with kyungsoo the velociraptor. that's not good. also features bff!kris!
a/n: for roux. when i told you i was giving you baekyeol and krisyeol i bet you never expected this!
jurassic park lied, because a velociraptor is tiny shit. it weighs 15kg. shorter than a human, even. and omg some of them have wings. turkey sized dinosaurs!
so, instead of being raptors, i imagine kris and chanyeol to be something like the raptor's closely related cousin, ye ol' deinonychus, which are around the weight of your average male human. if we’re talking in terms of kpop, then one and a half of a male idol.
but as everyone knows, kyungsoo is a wimp. so he is a raptor.
"why is my life like this. fuck my life," chanyeol moans for the sixth time that day. he uses a claw to scratch at a nearby tree miserably, causing the tree to sway and scatter a rainfall of leaves on them. startled, a scrawny icarosaurus pops its head out of the tree hole and scurries away with its wings strapped to its back.
"just so you know," kris informs him, "if my arms were longer, i would whack your head. and if my teeth weren't so sharp and could potentially puncture your brains, i would bite you."
chanyeol flails his short arms and swishes his tail in distress. "why are you like this."
kris groans, trying to resist the urge to bang his head into the nearest cave. the last time he did that (after jongin tried to paint the toenails of a t-rex with tar just for fun-- fuck why does he have friends like these), an entire cave collapsed and yeah, the cavemen weren't very pleased about that. "if you like him, go get him then! don't pester me and whine about your little crush."
chanyeol's face pulls into a very close imitation of a sad face. "in case you haven't noticed, we're from different species. i'm twice his size, and he's worried that i might eat him!"
"and you actually might," kris points out.
"well, he would be awfully delicious..." kris shoots him a look and chanyeol shakes his large head, protesting immediately, "but i wouldn't! not kyungsoo."
"maybe if you approach him slowly, make it clear that you have no intent of hurting him, he would warm up to you," kris suggests. personally, the idea of chanyeol dating anyone is just hilarious to him, but he's been bored lately and quite sick of chanyeol's whining, so a piece of advice or two wouldn't hurt.
"i told you to approach him slowly," kris begins warily.
chanyeol nods eagerly and thumps his tail with excitement. "that's the plan!"
"and jumping out from behind a large boulder is the best way to do it?"
chanyeol bares his teeth happily. "i like surprises. who doesn't like surprises?"
"got some pterodactyl in your teeth," kris says, sending chanyeol into a frantic search of the nearest reflective water surface and a twig large enough to dislodge the wing bone. "and i don't like surprises. though it might just me." wanting to be the supportive friend he is, kris hunches down behind the big boulder beside chanyeol and peers into the foliage for any sign of kyungsoo.
it hasn’t even been a minute before kyungsoo hesitantly pokes his nose out among trees, sniffing cautiously at the air.
"ohmigod he's here." chanyeol swishes his tail around excitedly and whacks kris in the gut in the process. "quick! do a countdown for me."
"okay, three, two-"
"HEY Y'ALL~" chanyeol hollers, jumping out from behind the boulder. he lands on the ground with a loud bang, creating a wide chanyeol-bottom shaped crater, and just nearly crushes kyungsoo’s puny tail.
kyungsoo yelps and snatches his tail up. shooting chanyeol a terrified look that just manages to magnify his large eyes even more, he wraps his tail protectively around his thin body and scampers away.
"well, that went well," kris says cheerfully. "you're right; i do love surprises."
chanyeol lets out a frustrated roar.
"we'll invite him for dinner!" is what chanyeol comes up with after two sundowns of moping and fretting.
another brilliant idea! kris nods enthusiastically, loving the smell of disaster in the horizon. (or it could just be jongdae.) "we could do lunch! or brunch! no one wakes up early enough for breakfast anyway."
they give luhan the task of sending the invitation over, because luhan is a really cute brachiosaurus, and most importantly a herbivore, so kyungsoo has no reason to be afraid! or so chanyeol reasons.
for the occasion, kris catches an extra large protoceratops, with an equal share of fat and lean meat. it wasn’t an easy task mauling the herbivore by himself but travelling with chanyeol has suppressed his pack instincts - it’s either do it alone or die in this world.
chanyeol waddles over with a bunch of brightly coloured flowers in his mouth. he spits them on top of the carcass and beams proudly. "decorations."
If kris had longer arms, he would’ve patted chanyeol on his thick head.
preparations are done. now all they have to is wait.
and wait.
... still waiting.
kris squints up at the orange sky. "the sun is setting."
"yes, apt observation. i had no idea," chanyeol deadpans. he hangs his head dejectedly and pushes the meat around with his foot.
"i think he thinks if he comes for dinner, he'll be the main course." kris nudges chanyeol gently with his head. "cheer up. there's always next time!"
kris comes home from a hunting trip to find chanyeol missing. which is rare, because chanyeol is generally too much of a wuss to go anywhere without kris. and potentially dangerous, because the last time chanyeol disappeared, kris found him with a foot stuck in tar, about to be maimed by a couple of overzealous cavemen. those cavemen tasted really good.
fortunately, chanyeol is a big ass dinosaur with a tendency to stomp and leaves noticable tracks where ever he goes. kris finds chanyeol sniffing at a nest of a dozen eggs.
"i found a nest of eggs, and you know i binge eat when i'm depressed. god, this is going to go straight to my thighs." chanyeol stomps his feet unhappily and looks at his thighs. "look at me, i'm so heavy."
"i don't know, in my books, the bigger you are, the more advantage you have against your prey. wasn't that in raptor 101?"
"but i look faaaat." even as he complains, chanyeol lowers his head and chomps down on an egg, relishing the way the yolk slides down his bumpy throat.
"i heard egg yolk is good for your throat," kris tells him conversationally. he notices some movement in the ferns nearby. "hey, isn't that your lover boy?"
kyungsoo lets out a squeak and jumps in the air with a start. then he glances over at the nest and lets out the most heart-wrenching moan.
"chanyeol, i think you just ate his cousin." kris says slowly, horrified as the realisation dawns on him.
chanyeol pauses mid-chew and some yolk dribbles down his jaw. kyungsoo looks even more stricken.
"but i love you!" chanyeol tells kyungsoo desperately, clawing at the air. "and i only ate one! you have 11 more! times are hard now! less kids is good!"
kyungsoo hisses at him and shoots him the nastiest look possible. he may be half the size of chanyeol, but kris has to give him props for daring to stand up to them. "i think we better leave." kris gently bites the scruff of a panicking chanyeol's neck and drags him away, leaving a heartbroken kyungsoo behind to mourn his loss.
"maybe we aren't meant to be." chanyeol mopes. he crunches unhappily on the wing of a pteranodon and swallows it, bones and all.
"maybe so," kris agrees. he uses his tail to pat chanyeol on the back. "now, why don't we go back to our nest and i'll catch you some nice food. besides, i heard on the jungle vines that sex with the same species is the most effective. oh hey, have you ever noticed that we're the same species?"
end.
meant for christmas but my uni decided to be a grinch and set my finals to coincide with christmas L
hello roux! we haven’t known each other too long but i kinda really really loubeu you and i know i promised you baekai and i actually wrote it but it was angst and i didn’t think it was fitting for christmas. anyway! thank you for you and your qt voice and your help for my assignments! AILOUBEUUU