A Manic Madness 2/2
Title: A Manic Madness Part 2/2
Rating: Better just go NC-17 to be safe.
Genre: Dramatic angst/Slight horror?
Paring: GRI(Jiyong/Seungri)
Summary: It was better when they fought anyways.
Part 1
A/N: OTL Sorry this took so long. I was really trying to decide on the ending. I'm...still really unsure about it, so please let me know your thoughts. Does it seem realistic at all?
Thank you for reading!!
~*~
The rain had ceased and Jiyong thought it was such a shame to have a clear day on the horizon. It was so inconvenient to try and face someone when it was beautiful outside.
Seungri had hidden away the entire night until he had gone to bed. He could hear the boy squirreling away into the wee hours with clicks and taps. He knew he was searching for answers. Pouring over every single article and blog ever written to explain the fierce madness that had descended on his world. Anything to give a reason where there wasn’t one.
But there was nothing else to be done. The boy couldn’t call anyone. There was no one to run to when the leader held control over everyone and everything around you.
Jiyong felt the desire niggle again, but forced it back down. It was not the time. Now was the time to make amends. There was no sense in breaking the boy to nothing. It wasn’t fun if they didn’t struggle. He breathed in the memories deeply and forced them to be enough.
He made his steps light until he hovered just inside the boy’s door. Seungri was hunched over his computer staring at something intently. He could barely make out the words ‘thought disorder’ before the page was closed.
“Jiyong-ssi?”
Jiyong-ssi? Oh that would just not do.
“Seungri-ah, don’t you think we know each other well enough that you can call me, hyung?” He stepped inside the room, but the moment it clicked shut behind him, Seungri stood in panic.
“I don’t think I should. Anymore.” Bless him, the boy almost whimpered. He tried to force the desire away. No. Not yet.
“Why not?” If the boy wanted to change their entire relationship, he should at least be prepared to explain. That’s what his brain told him anyways. The desire knew it was in a sick need to hear the boy say it out loud. Admit it.
He shifted his eyes anywhere but at Jiyong.
“Well, because…of what happened.“ He avoided anything resembling a thought on the subject. Jiyong could tell in the way his eyes shot from one point to another. He was trying to so hard to be anywhere else.
“What happened, Ri?” He purred and the boy shuddered in reply. Even in his panicked state, he obeyed. Always obeyed.
“You…” His hands shook violently and he took a step back as if the memory alone would attack him. He brought his eyes up in a façade of strength.
“You hurt me.” He sounded so timid that it caused his eyes to flutter in want. The smallest things this boy did…
They affected him so much. Somewhere small, in the farthest part of his brain, he had a thought that this wasn’t right. Seungri wrapped his arms around his middle at the chuckle he received.
“So, forgive me if I don’t want to call you my brother anymore.” Maybe it was the whisper, or the way he held his frightened body in some semblance of solace, but Jiyong looked. Actually looked at him.
And his eyes shot open.
Oh no.
Suddenly he was taken in by the sight of not a trophy or a bruised toy, but of a wounded friend. A broken brother. Someone he ruined. There were little fierce bite marks around his neck and bruises the size of hands on his wrists. He eyes were red rimmed and his dark circles were deeper than normal.
He looked like someone had stolen his innocence.
No, not someone.
He had stolen his innocence.
“Sick…” He whispered it, but he knew Seungri heard him. He covered his trembling mouth with his hand “I’m so sick…”
Seungri took a step closer but he shot back to the door with frightened steps and slid down to the floor.
Away from the boy who tempted his desire so much.
Away from what he had done.
“Oh god, Ri. Oh god. Oh god.” His hands shook and he could swear he saw blood on them. His eyes widened in panic and he felt like throwing up. He had let it out. He had ruined everything. He had been so fucking weak.
He dropped his head into hands that had destroyed. He had broken the only thing Seungri held dear. He trusted him. He was supposed to be a leader and a brother and he snapped and let the thing inside his head, breathe for moment.
A timid hand reached his though the darkness. He looked up to see Seungri staring back at him with fearful eyes. The sat together for an eternity. Jiyong, afraid to move, lest he try and hurt the boy. Seungri, unsure of the strength of what he was about to do. The weight of his hand held all thoughts of pain and whimpering boys at bay. It held him solid to the earth. Seungri’s eyes bored into his, searching for something. He hoped he didn’t see the edge of the madness.
Finally he closed his eyes and gripped his hand tightly.
“Please.”
Jiyong sighed in relief and while Seungri held his breath in nervousness of the very nature of the burden he would have to take on.
Because he knew exactly what he was asking.
Please hold it together.
Please explain what happened.
Please don’t break.
Please fix this.
Please let it all get back to normal.
Please don’t leave me.
Please. I need you to be strong.
“I’m going to fix this, Ri. I swear I will do what ever I need to do to control this.” He shook his head in brutal determination. Seungri didn’t smile or nod or encourage him. He had made his choice, whether it be good or fatal. Jiyong could promise the sun, moon, and stars, and it would all be the same.
They both knew they were empty words.
~*~
It throbbed. He closed his eyes against the intrusion, but it would not stop.
“…take him…”
“…so worth it…”
He slid his fingers up to his head and covered his ears with shaking hands. Seungri sat two feet from him with his headphones on. He could not hear the shouting. He eyes were closed and his head was thrown back in concentration. He was trying valiantly to learn more Japanese on his iPod, but Jiyong didn’t care about that. He could only focus on the way his unmarked neck curved and begged to be grabbed. The way his hands lay innocently in his lap. So unaware. He could take him and stain him in a moment. He wouldn’t be able to stop him.
“….so delicious.”
“…can’t hold back forever…”
It got louder and he ached to just close his eyes and let it take over again. The freedom letting go had brought was like breathing. He had taken it for granted until it was taken away. He was suffocating on the new found celibacy, of sorts, forced upon him.
Seungri told him over and over how proud he was of him. All his wounds had healed and the marks had faded. His smile had returned and he had even laughed a few times. They had almost gotten back to normal.
It was like the desire knew that and tired it’s hardest to force him back into old ways. He longed to reach out and hold him down. Even if it was only for a kiss, he could hold the boy’s movement in his control.
“…so easy…”
“Just take what you need.”
And there it was. need.
He gripped his hair and his whole body shook with the intense desire to cross the room and take what he wanted.
What was his anyways.
To make the boy plead and bleed. He begged so beautifully, too. With tears in his eyes and betrayal on his lips. He never believed it. Each time he fell back, Seungri looked at him in shock like it was the first time.
It was so delicious he could barely close his eyes. Blocking the sight of the boy only served to bring memories of holding him down flashing across his mind’s eye. He shook his head in anguish. Torn, he whimpered.
“You need it, don’t you?” And suddenly he looked up to see the boy standing in front of him like a martyr to the gallows. His hands shook, but he stood firm. Jiyong could only nod. His eyes narrowed at the way Seungri took a step closer. He had such a delicate hold on his sanity, and the boy was not making it easier.
“Fine, but I get something in return.” Jiyong looked up in shock as Seungri took off his shirt. Was he really going to volunteer such a thing? “Then you can hurt me if you need to.”
He eyed the unmarked flesh and hastily nodded his head, standing on shaky legs. His breath came in quick short bursts of anticipation. Soonsoonsoonsoonsoon.
“You have to make love to me afterwards.” His voice was like a whisper, but they both knew exactly how weighted it was. He supposed he shouldn’t have been shocked to hear such a thing from the boy. After all, what else would make someone stay where the threat of constant pain was always looming, if not for love? He did his best to look sympathetic before the desire clouded his vision and made him see in shades of devastation.
“I should have known you’d want to get fucked.” He ground out, and he could tell in the way Seungri’s eyes shifted to him that he understood it had taken over. “Such a little attention whore.”
He brought his hand to the boys throat. Such a beautiful fragile thing. He could feel his sharp intake of breath at the words and shivered at how delicious it was. He could taste his regret and fear. The boy looked back at him with such admiration in his eyes all the time it was only a matter of time until he jumped to love for him. Jiyong had stayed as close as possible to him, hoping that the day he finally fell, he would be there.
Whether it was to catch him or revel in his descent, he still didn’t know.
He took a step back to the couch, forcing the boy with him. To his credit, Seungri held true to his word and followed each and every prompt given him.
Always did.
He would smile and nod and work as hard as he could to please him. His worship seemed to not know any bounds. He pulled him close and Jiyong smirked as the boy’s eyes fluttered closed.
“You’ll take it anyway you can get it, huh?” He didn’t have time to react before Jiyong shoved him to the floor with enough force to bruise. Gracefully he took a seat on the couch and spread his legs. Seungri looked back up at him with a questioning gaze.
Always waiting for his cue.
“My little one, because you consented so willingly, we’re going to go slow.” He crooked his finger and, damn him, the boy actually crawled over and his hands and knees. “But I guarantee it won’t be any easier.”
His whisper did nothing to deter the bronzed boy. He stopped at his feet and looked up with such submission it took his breath away.
Oh yes.
He reached out and backhanded him so hard his head physically -snapped-to the side. Seungri let out a sharp intake of breath and reached his hand up to soothe the ache.
“No.” Jiyong barked and he stopped. “Let it burn.”
He stared, transfixed as the skin turned a bright read before fading to a steady crimson. It would bruise so nicely. Seungri sat still, with only his twitching fingers to signal his awareness. He studied the red with an artists eyes.
“Not enough…” Seungri’s eyes narrowed in confused slits. “Hum..”
He hummed for a moment before he shot his hand and a crack filled the space. The force of his punch slammed Seungri to the ground and he whimpered at the shock of pain. His head smacked the ground with a band so loud it brought a smile to his face.
“Much better.”
He hopped off the couch and shoved the boy’s shoulder until he was laying flat. He head lolled to the side and his eyes looked bleary.
“Passing out already?” Seungri tried to force his head up and make eye contact, but the force of the blow kept him still. Jiyong stared at the swelling already forming around the impact site and it sent a shiver down his spine. He threw a leg over the still form and sat down heavily on his stomach.
Seungri let out a shaky breath at the abrupt movement. His eyes tried to focus again, but failed.
Oh this would just not do.
Jiyong scooted back until he was on his lap. He gripped the soft skin behind his neck and squeezed. His hand ripped the boy’s head up with such force that he wobbled from the sudden change. His body sat up under the strength of the leaders arm. Jiyong smashed their lips together but it was anything but sweet. His teeth tore and bit and extracted blood in their quest to claim. Seungri slowly came back to himself and weakly pushed at his chest. Jiyong moaned at the little bit of fight in him and tore into his mouth viciously.
Seungri cried out and shoved him back hard. He released him and grinned. His chin dripped from the little cut on his bottom lip. Jiyong tightened his hold on his hair and pulled him closer to lick at the red liquid. The boy squirmed at the pain of a new cut being tongued, but did not push him away.
The blood dripped into his mouth and he couldn’t hold back the moan that lit a fire in his veins.
So good.
His skin ached with the desire to break this boy until he begged for more. Seungri stared at him with wide uncertain eyes and Jiyong knew he was regretting his decision to participate. Their encounters in the past had all consisted of his vicious teasing, and a slap or two. But to give complete control to such a dangerous person was madness. Jiyong nearly felt pity for the boy.
Nearly.
He pushed his back so hard Seungri’s head met the floor again. His eyes rolled into the back of his head for a moment until another punch exploded across his cheek. The pain should have been enough to keep him awake. At least for a little while. Tears welled up in his eyes and he knew it was only moments before the boy retracted his permission. Jiyong smirked.
It was better when they fought anyways.
He lifted his head up again before slamming it back down. He lolled like a drugged person and weakly reached out to have purchase on something. Jiyong took his hand lightly and stared at how clear it was. Not a mark or blemish.
He brought it up to his mouth and kissed it lightly. The boy’s eyes opened in surprise but quickly squeezed closed in pain as Jiyong smiled bitterly and bit the side with such force the skin broke immediately.
He let the limp arm drop onto the carpet and watched as it stained the white floor. He shivered at the thought of looking at the little red stain later. Always serving as a reminder of the day Seungri submitted.
He smiled down at the boy and placed his hands on his chest.
Such tan skin just waiting to be marked.
Seungri lay pliant in his daze and it almost took the fun out of it. He smoothed his hand down the expanse of exposed skin with an excited shiver. His palm came down with a wicked turn and left red burning marks in its wake. Seungri tried to cry out, but the muddiness of his mind only produced small whimpers.
They were so delicious.
Jiyong scratched a short bloody tail from nipple to navel before following it with his tongue. The beautiful noises of pain the boy made at the sting were like twisted music to his ears. Seungri forced his eyes to make contact with the man above him and he looked shocked at the darkness he found there.
Any little bit of the normal Jiyong he was hoping to find was erased by burning eyes and a sinister grin. His lips were stained red and his cheeks had flecks of blood marring the pale skin. He looked like madness and danger and Jiyong knew Seungri’s mind was racing with the knowledge that he really didn’t have any power over the situation. He had agreed and been overcome. There really was no way out.
Surely no amount of love or devotion could have been worth that.
Seungri closed his eyes and laid his head back.
“I’ll forgive you.” He whispered.
Somehow the quiet voice pushed through the haze and red surrounding his brain to hit him square in the chest. He glanced down confused for a moment as his head spun with the heady scent of copper in the air. Seungri quivered below him and it made his heart stop dead in his chest at the redness of his cheeks and shaking of his body. He lay flat, but looked like he wished for nothing more than to curl into a tight ball and whimper. Jiyong scrambled back off the boy and stared at him with wide eyes.
…Again?
He had failed again?
“Ri?” His voice was as small as he felt and it flowed out across the small space like a lifeline. The red from his chest still stained his hands and he stared at them in panic. Unlike before, he had really covered them in Seungri’s blood. The boy looked up at him with a dreamy expression and Jiyong knew he was on his way to passing out.
He crawled over to him and shakily swept the hair out of his eyes.
“Seungri, don’t go to sleep.” He added force in his voice as the boy’s eyes began to close and they shot back open immediately. He pretended the shot of pain to his heart at that was just shock.
With far more care than he thought himself capable of, he lifted the poor broken boy into his arm and felt sick when he clung on weakly and whimpered into his neck. He took steady steps down the hall willing himself to stay strong; at least until Seungri was tucked away in bed.
Far away from him.
He kicked open his bedroom door and lay him down next to Laura, gazing at the way he immediately calmed in the familiar scent and curled in on himself. He clenched his fists.
It should never have gotten this far.
He brought his hand out to touch the boy’s head once more, but stopped midway.
How dare he think he deserved to touch any part of something he had just broken so beautifully. His arm dropped limp to his side and Seungri glanced up at him with glossy eyes. He reached out a weak hand and Jiyong wanted to step back, but the earnestness in his voice pulled him forward.
“Hyung, please.”
He was on the bed in a moment, pulling the boy into his arms and kissing his jaw, whispering lies and half truths and promises of change. Seungri sighed against his hair and ran a hand up and down his back soothingly. It did not pass him by, the horribly sick way he clung tighter at each and every kiss.
“Jiyong, you promised.” His voice sounded a little more steady and he glanced down at Seungri to see him staring back with determination. “I did what you wanted. Now you have to…” He looked away, and the small motion drew him in.
Gently, he turned his face and leaned forward to kiss his broken lips so softly, Seungri’s body melted into his. He slid one hand down to where he had scratched a his stomach and rubbed in small circles. Seungri’s quaking hands clutched at his shirt and he didn’t know how he had ever had the desire to hurt his boy.
He carded a hand through the hair he had pulled so viciously and slipped his tongue into his mouth. Seungri moaned against his lips and pulled him down closer. The air grew thick and needy as he slid his hand down to the waistband of his pants, pulling them open and sliding them down. He tossed a leg over and tangled his tongue with Seungri’s. He arched up into his gently as he took his length into his hand, sliding up and down it skillfully. He thumbed over the slit and tightened his grip, twisting his hand with every turn. Seungri detached his lips and threw his head back, mewling into the air.
“Jiyong…” The sound of his name on his lips in such a manner filled his mind and made him wish he would never have another moment where that was not a possibility. He sped up his pace and licked at his neck, tasting the salt from tears he had forced. His heart hurt at constant thought and he slid his own pants off, kicking them to the side. Seungri rolled his hips as he took his hand off him length and used the precum to probe at his entrance.
“Y-yes.” Jiyong didn’t realize until he was about to ask if he was sure that the boy had already answered him. The undeserved trust made him want to touch and smooth and caress him until he was too weak to move. His hips thrust up into empty air and he pressed one two fingers inside and slowly spread the apart to gently stretch him. He groaned in need and Jiyong leaned down to kiss him again. Seungri’s hands slid up his arms and gripped tightly at his neck as he spread his legs wider to accommodate the third finger. He worked them in and out slowly, pressing and twisting to find the spot that would make his body jerk and keen. He angled them upwards and to the side and Seungri stopped moving suddenly, his eyes open in shocked.
“T-There.” He gasped out only one word before was shaking and pulling and wrapping his legs around his skinny waist to urge him forward. Jiyong stroked himself one, two, three times to spread the precum around and make it easier to slide in while Seungri murmured over and over words of desire and want. The moment he pressed in, his back arched and he grabbed out for his leader. Jiyong could do nothing but comply and leaned in to kiss him once more, moaning as the boy’s tongue shot out and massaged his.
He closed his eyes beneath him and rolled his hips as Jiyong pulled in and out with a steady pace. The incredible tightness coupled with the needy little noises were driving him insane. He could feel the pull to push him down and just piston in him until he could take his own release, but one look at the boy under his arms staring up at him with trust and love and promises of many more days just like now made it so easy to push it away and lock it under heavy key. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, feeling something like a weight release from him as Seungri moaned beneath him.
“Love you.” It was so easy to hear and he found himself murmuring it back over and over into his neck as he thrusted with just enough force to make the boy keen and tighten.
Seungri’s hands quivered against his wrists and he knew the boy was close. He swept out his hand and stroked him firmly, thrusting in just the right way to hit is prostate and make him shift so beautifully. He kissed his chest, neck, jaw and face and any other part of him he could reach to make Seungri understand.
No more.
He would die before he ever let himself lay a harmful hand on him again.
Seungri moaned and his legs shook with the force of his orgasm pulling at him. He tightened around him and Jiyong’s eyes rolled into the back of his head at the grip around his length. He breathed out the only thing he could remember and fell heavily against his boy, chest heaving.
“Seungri…“
A soft hand came out and touched his hair gently. He found himself leaning into the touch, and glanced to the side to see Seungri smiling softly at him.
He didn’t speak but Jiyong knew exactly what he was thinking.
“I…” He pulled him closer and wanted to hide so badly. “I need help, Seungri.”
The moment the words left his mouth he felt relieved. Like he had finally exposed a secret that had eaten away at him for years. Seungri held him back and stroked his hair.
“We’ll find a way.” His voice sounded so much older than he was and Jiyong couldn’t help but feel it was mostly his fault. “Together, Jiyong. We’ll find a way to figure this out.”
He nodded and reached for the sheets, wanting nothing more than to hold this boy to him and hide from everything forever.
The sun shined in softly from the open window and it lulled him to sleep. Jiyong breathed in and held him tightly. They would just have to take it each day at a time. Never again be able to look at the boy and not feel the steady beat of his heart pressed tightly against his chest.
It would come back.
He knew that most definitely.
But with Seungri in his arms and a smile on his lips, he knew they would be able to try together. Because that was all they could do for now.
And sometimes, trying was just enough to be perfect.
Rating: Better just go NC-17 to be safe.
Genre: Dramatic angst/Slight horror?
Paring: GRI(Jiyong/Seungri)
Summary: It was better when they fought anyways.
Part 1
A/N: OTL Sorry this took so long. I was really trying to decide on the ending. I'm...still really unsure about it, so please let me know your thoughts. Does it seem realistic at all?
Thank you for reading!!
~*~
The rain had ceased and Jiyong thought it was such a shame to have a clear day on the horizon. It was so inconvenient to try and face someone when it was beautiful outside.
Seungri had hidden away the entire night until he had gone to bed. He could hear the boy squirreling away into the wee hours with clicks and taps. He knew he was searching for answers. Pouring over every single article and blog ever written to explain the fierce madness that had descended on his world. Anything to give a reason where there wasn’t one.
But there was nothing else to be done. The boy couldn’t call anyone. There was no one to run to when the leader held control over everyone and everything around you.
Jiyong felt the desire niggle again, but forced it back down. It was not the time. Now was the time to make amends. There was no sense in breaking the boy to nothing. It wasn’t fun if they didn’t struggle. He breathed in the memories deeply and forced them to be enough.
He made his steps light until he hovered just inside the boy’s door. Seungri was hunched over his computer staring at something intently. He could barely make out the words ‘thought disorder’ before the page was closed.
“Jiyong-ssi?”
Jiyong-ssi? Oh that would just not do.
“Seungri-ah, don’t you think we know each other well enough that you can call me, hyung?” He stepped inside the room, but the moment it clicked shut behind him, Seungri stood in panic.
“I don’t think I should. Anymore.” Bless him, the boy almost whimpered. He tried to force the desire away. No. Not yet.
“Why not?” If the boy wanted to change their entire relationship, he should at least be prepared to explain. That’s what his brain told him anyways. The desire knew it was in a sick need to hear the boy say it out loud. Admit it.
He shifted his eyes anywhere but at Jiyong.
“Well, because…of what happened.“ He avoided anything resembling a thought on the subject. Jiyong could tell in the way his eyes shot from one point to another. He was trying to so hard to be anywhere else.
“What happened, Ri?” He purred and the boy shuddered in reply. Even in his panicked state, he obeyed. Always obeyed.
“You…” His hands shook violently and he took a step back as if the memory alone would attack him. He brought his eyes up in a façade of strength.
“You hurt me.” He sounded so timid that it caused his eyes to flutter in want. The smallest things this boy did…
They affected him so much. Somewhere small, in the farthest part of his brain, he had a thought that this wasn’t right. Seungri wrapped his arms around his middle at the chuckle he received.
“So, forgive me if I don’t want to call you my brother anymore.” Maybe it was the whisper, or the way he held his frightened body in some semblance of solace, but Jiyong looked. Actually looked at him.
And his eyes shot open.
Oh no.
Suddenly he was taken in by the sight of not a trophy or a bruised toy, but of a wounded friend. A broken brother. Someone he ruined. There were little fierce bite marks around his neck and bruises the size of hands on his wrists. He eyes were red rimmed and his dark circles were deeper than normal.
He looked like someone had stolen his innocence.
No, not someone.
He had stolen his innocence.
“Sick…” He whispered it, but he knew Seungri heard him. He covered his trembling mouth with his hand “I’m so sick…”
Seungri took a step closer but he shot back to the door with frightened steps and slid down to the floor.
Away from the boy who tempted his desire so much.
Away from what he had done.
“Oh god, Ri. Oh god. Oh god.” His hands shook and he could swear he saw blood on them. His eyes widened in panic and he felt like throwing up. He had let it out. He had ruined everything. He had been so fucking weak.
He dropped his head into hands that had destroyed. He had broken the only thing Seungri held dear. He trusted him. He was supposed to be a leader and a brother and he snapped and let the thing inside his head, breathe for moment.
A timid hand reached his though the darkness. He looked up to see Seungri staring back at him with fearful eyes. The sat together for an eternity. Jiyong, afraid to move, lest he try and hurt the boy. Seungri, unsure of the strength of what he was about to do. The weight of his hand held all thoughts of pain and whimpering boys at bay. It held him solid to the earth. Seungri’s eyes bored into his, searching for something. He hoped he didn’t see the edge of the madness.
Finally he closed his eyes and gripped his hand tightly.
“Please.”
Jiyong sighed in relief and while Seungri held his breath in nervousness of the very nature of the burden he would have to take on.
Because he knew exactly what he was asking.
Please hold it together.
Please explain what happened.
Please don’t break.
Please fix this.
Please let it all get back to normal.
Please don’t leave me.
Please. I need you to be strong.
“I’m going to fix this, Ri. I swear I will do what ever I need to do to control this.” He shook his head in brutal determination. Seungri didn’t smile or nod or encourage him. He had made his choice, whether it be good or fatal. Jiyong could promise the sun, moon, and stars, and it would all be the same.
They both knew they were empty words.
~*~
It throbbed. He closed his eyes against the intrusion, but it would not stop.
“…take him…”
“…so worth it…”
He slid his fingers up to his head and covered his ears with shaking hands. Seungri sat two feet from him with his headphones on. He could not hear the shouting. He eyes were closed and his head was thrown back in concentration. He was trying valiantly to learn more Japanese on his iPod, but Jiyong didn’t care about that. He could only focus on the way his unmarked neck curved and begged to be grabbed. The way his hands lay innocently in his lap. So unaware. He could take him and stain him in a moment. He wouldn’t be able to stop him.
“….so delicious.”
“…can’t hold back forever…”
It got louder and he ached to just close his eyes and let it take over again. The freedom letting go had brought was like breathing. He had taken it for granted until it was taken away. He was suffocating on the new found celibacy, of sorts, forced upon him.
Seungri told him over and over how proud he was of him. All his wounds had healed and the marks had faded. His smile had returned and he had even laughed a few times. They had almost gotten back to normal.
It was like the desire knew that and tired it’s hardest to force him back into old ways. He longed to reach out and hold him down. Even if it was only for a kiss, he could hold the boy’s movement in his control.
“…so easy…”
“Just take what you need.”
And there it was. need.
He gripped his hair and his whole body shook with the intense desire to cross the room and take what he wanted.
What was his anyways.
To make the boy plead and bleed. He begged so beautifully, too. With tears in his eyes and betrayal on his lips. He never believed it. Each time he fell back, Seungri looked at him in shock like it was the first time.
It was so delicious he could barely close his eyes. Blocking the sight of the boy only served to bring memories of holding him down flashing across his mind’s eye. He shook his head in anguish. Torn, he whimpered.
“You need it, don’t you?” And suddenly he looked up to see the boy standing in front of him like a martyr to the gallows. His hands shook, but he stood firm. Jiyong could only nod. His eyes narrowed at the way Seungri took a step closer. He had such a delicate hold on his sanity, and the boy was not making it easier.
“Fine, but I get something in return.” Jiyong looked up in shock as Seungri took off his shirt. Was he really going to volunteer such a thing? “Then you can hurt me if you need to.”
He eyed the unmarked flesh and hastily nodded his head, standing on shaky legs. His breath came in quick short bursts of anticipation. Soonsoonsoonsoonsoon.
“You have to make love to me afterwards.” His voice was like a whisper, but they both knew exactly how weighted it was. He supposed he shouldn’t have been shocked to hear such a thing from the boy. After all, what else would make someone stay where the threat of constant pain was always looming, if not for love? He did his best to look sympathetic before the desire clouded his vision and made him see in shades of devastation.
“I should have known you’d want to get fucked.” He ground out, and he could tell in the way Seungri’s eyes shifted to him that he understood it had taken over. “Such a little attention whore.”
He brought his hand to the boys throat. Such a beautiful fragile thing. He could feel his sharp intake of breath at the words and shivered at how delicious it was. He could taste his regret and fear. The boy looked back at him with such admiration in his eyes all the time it was only a matter of time until he jumped to love for him. Jiyong had stayed as close as possible to him, hoping that the day he finally fell, he would be there.
Whether it was to catch him or revel in his descent, he still didn’t know.
He took a step back to the couch, forcing the boy with him. To his credit, Seungri held true to his word and followed each and every prompt given him.
Always did.
He would smile and nod and work as hard as he could to please him. His worship seemed to not know any bounds. He pulled him close and Jiyong smirked as the boy’s eyes fluttered closed.
“You’ll take it anyway you can get it, huh?” He didn’t have time to react before Jiyong shoved him to the floor with enough force to bruise. Gracefully he took a seat on the couch and spread his legs. Seungri looked back up at him with a questioning gaze.
Always waiting for his cue.
“My little one, because you consented so willingly, we’re going to go slow.” He crooked his finger and, damn him, the boy actually crawled over and his hands and knees. “But I guarantee it won’t be any easier.”
His whisper did nothing to deter the bronzed boy. He stopped at his feet and looked up with such submission it took his breath away.
Oh yes.
He reached out and backhanded him so hard his head physically -snapped-to the side. Seungri let out a sharp intake of breath and reached his hand up to soothe the ache.
“No.” Jiyong barked and he stopped. “Let it burn.”
He stared, transfixed as the skin turned a bright read before fading to a steady crimson. It would bruise so nicely. Seungri sat still, with only his twitching fingers to signal his awareness. He studied the red with an artists eyes.
“Not enough…” Seungri’s eyes narrowed in confused slits. “Hum..”
He hummed for a moment before he shot his hand and a crack filled the space. The force of his punch slammed Seungri to the ground and he whimpered at the shock of pain. His head smacked the ground with a band so loud it brought a smile to his face.
“Much better.”
He hopped off the couch and shoved the boy’s shoulder until he was laying flat. He head lolled to the side and his eyes looked bleary.
“Passing out already?” Seungri tried to force his head up and make eye contact, but the force of the blow kept him still. Jiyong stared at the swelling already forming around the impact site and it sent a shiver down his spine. He threw a leg over the still form and sat down heavily on his stomach.
Seungri let out a shaky breath at the abrupt movement. His eyes tried to focus again, but failed.
Oh this would just not do.
Jiyong scooted back until he was on his lap. He gripped the soft skin behind his neck and squeezed. His hand ripped the boy’s head up with such force that he wobbled from the sudden change. His body sat up under the strength of the leaders arm. Jiyong smashed their lips together but it was anything but sweet. His teeth tore and bit and extracted blood in their quest to claim. Seungri slowly came back to himself and weakly pushed at his chest. Jiyong moaned at the little bit of fight in him and tore into his mouth viciously.
Seungri cried out and shoved him back hard. He released him and grinned. His chin dripped from the little cut on his bottom lip. Jiyong tightened his hold on his hair and pulled him closer to lick at the red liquid. The boy squirmed at the pain of a new cut being tongued, but did not push him away.
The blood dripped into his mouth and he couldn’t hold back the moan that lit a fire in his veins.
So good.
His skin ached with the desire to break this boy until he begged for more. Seungri stared at him with wide uncertain eyes and Jiyong knew he was regretting his decision to participate. Their encounters in the past had all consisted of his vicious teasing, and a slap or two. But to give complete control to such a dangerous person was madness. Jiyong nearly felt pity for the boy.
Nearly.
He pushed his back so hard Seungri’s head met the floor again. His eyes rolled into the back of his head for a moment until another punch exploded across his cheek. The pain should have been enough to keep him awake. At least for a little while. Tears welled up in his eyes and he knew it was only moments before the boy retracted his permission. Jiyong smirked.
It was better when they fought anyways.
He lifted his head up again before slamming it back down. He lolled like a drugged person and weakly reached out to have purchase on something. Jiyong took his hand lightly and stared at how clear it was. Not a mark or blemish.
He brought it up to his mouth and kissed it lightly. The boy’s eyes opened in surprise but quickly squeezed closed in pain as Jiyong smiled bitterly and bit the side with such force the skin broke immediately.
He let the limp arm drop onto the carpet and watched as it stained the white floor. He shivered at the thought of looking at the little red stain later. Always serving as a reminder of the day Seungri submitted.
He smiled down at the boy and placed his hands on his chest.
Such tan skin just waiting to be marked.
Seungri lay pliant in his daze and it almost took the fun out of it. He smoothed his hand down the expanse of exposed skin with an excited shiver. His palm came down with a wicked turn and left red burning marks in its wake. Seungri tried to cry out, but the muddiness of his mind only produced small whimpers.
They were so delicious.
Jiyong scratched a short bloody tail from nipple to navel before following it with his tongue. The beautiful noises of pain the boy made at the sting were like twisted music to his ears. Seungri forced his eyes to make contact with the man above him and he looked shocked at the darkness he found there.
Any little bit of the normal Jiyong he was hoping to find was erased by burning eyes and a sinister grin. His lips were stained red and his cheeks had flecks of blood marring the pale skin. He looked like madness and danger and Jiyong knew Seungri’s mind was racing with the knowledge that he really didn’t have any power over the situation. He had agreed and been overcome. There really was no way out.
Surely no amount of love or devotion could have been worth that.
Seungri closed his eyes and laid his head back.
“I’ll forgive you.” He whispered.
Somehow the quiet voice pushed through the haze and red surrounding his brain to hit him square in the chest. He glanced down confused for a moment as his head spun with the heady scent of copper in the air. Seungri quivered below him and it made his heart stop dead in his chest at the redness of his cheeks and shaking of his body. He lay flat, but looked like he wished for nothing more than to curl into a tight ball and whimper. Jiyong scrambled back off the boy and stared at him with wide eyes.
…Again?
He had failed again?
“Ri?” His voice was as small as he felt and it flowed out across the small space like a lifeline. The red from his chest still stained his hands and he stared at them in panic. Unlike before, he had really covered them in Seungri’s blood. The boy looked up at him with a dreamy expression and Jiyong knew he was on his way to passing out.
He crawled over to him and shakily swept the hair out of his eyes.
“Seungri, don’t go to sleep.” He added force in his voice as the boy’s eyes began to close and they shot back open immediately. He pretended the shot of pain to his heart at that was just shock.
With far more care than he thought himself capable of, he lifted the poor broken boy into his arm and felt sick when he clung on weakly and whimpered into his neck. He took steady steps down the hall willing himself to stay strong; at least until Seungri was tucked away in bed.
Far away from him.
He kicked open his bedroom door and lay him down next to Laura, gazing at the way he immediately calmed in the familiar scent and curled in on himself. He clenched his fists.
It should never have gotten this far.
He brought his hand out to touch the boy’s head once more, but stopped midway.
How dare he think he deserved to touch any part of something he had just broken so beautifully. His arm dropped limp to his side and Seungri glanced up at him with glossy eyes. He reached out a weak hand and Jiyong wanted to step back, but the earnestness in his voice pulled him forward.
“Hyung, please.”
He was on the bed in a moment, pulling the boy into his arms and kissing his jaw, whispering lies and half truths and promises of change. Seungri sighed against his hair and ran a hand up and down his back soothingly. It did not pass him by, the horribly sick way he clung tighter at each and every kiss.
“Jiyong, you promised.” His voice sounded a little more steady and he glanced down at Seungri to see him staring back with determination. “I did what you wanted. Now you have to…” He looked away, and the small motion drew him in.
Gently, he turned his face and leaned forward to kiss his broken lips so softly, Seungri’s body melted into his. He slid one hand down to where he had scratched a his stomach and rubbed in small circles. Seungri’s quaking hands clutched at his shirt and he didn’t know how he had ever had the desire to hurt his boy.
He carded a hand through the hair he had pulled so viciously and slipped his tongue into his mouth. Seungri moaned against his lips and pulled him down closer. The air grew thick and needy as he slid his hand down to the waistband of his pants, pulling them open and sliding them down. He tossed a leg over and tangled his tongue with Seungri’s. He arched up into his gently as he took his length into his hand, sliding up and down it skillfully. He thumbed over the slit and tightened his grip, twisting his hand with every turn. Seungri detached his lips and threw his head back, mewling into the air.
“Jiyong…” The sound of his name on his lips in such a manner filled his mind and made him wish he would never have another moment where that was not a possibility. He sped up his pace and licked at his neck, tasting the salt from tears he had forced. His heart hurt at constant thought and he slid his own pants off, kicking them to the side. Seungri rolled his hips as he took his hand off him length and used the precum to probe at his entrance.
“Y-yes.” Jiyong didn’t realize until he was about to ask if he was sure that the boy had already answered him. The undeserved trust made him want to touch and smooth and caress him until he was too weak to move. His hips thrust up into empty air and he pressed one two fingers inside and slowly spread the apart to gently stretch him. He groaned in need and Jiyong leaned down to kiss him again. Seungri’s hands slid up his arms and gripped tightly at his neck as he spread his legs wider to accommodate the third finger. He worked them in and out slowly, pressing and twisting to find the spot that would make his body jerk and keen. He angled them upwards and to the side and Seungri stopped moving suddenly, his eyes open in shocked.
“T-There.” He gasped out only one word before was shaking and pulling and wrapping his legs around his skinny waist to urge him forward. Jiyong stroked himself one, two, three times to spread the precum around and make it easier to slide in while Seungri murmured over and over words of desire and want. The moment he pressed in, his back arched and he grabbed out for his leader. Jiyong could do nothing but comply and leaned in to kiss him once more, moaning as the boy’s tongue shot out and massaged his.
He closed his eyes beneath him and rolled his hips as Jiyong pulled in and out with a steady pace. The incredible tightness coupled with the needy little noises were driving him insane. He could feel the pull to push him down and just piston in him until he could take his own release, but one look at the boy under his arms staring up at him with trust and love and promises of many more days just like now made it so easy to push it away and lock it under heavy key. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, feeling something like a weight release from him as Seungri moaned beneath him.
“Love you.” It was so easy to hear and he found himself murmuring it back over and over into his neck as he thrusted with just enough force to make the boy keen and tighten.
Seungri’s hands quivered against his wrists and he knew the boy was close. He swept out his hand and stroked him firmly, thrusting in just the right way to hit is prostate and make him shift so beautifully. He kissed his chest, neck, jaw and face and any other part of him he could reach to make Seungri understand.
No more.
He would die before he ever let himself lay a harmful hand on him again.
Seungri moaned and his legs shook with the force of his orgasm pulling at him. He tightened around him and Jiyong’s eyes rolled into the back of his head at the grip around his length. He breathed out the only thing he could remember and fell heavily against his boy, chest heaving.
“Seungri…“
A soft hand came out and touched his hair gently. He found himself leaning into the touch, and glanced to the side to see Seungri smiling softly at him.
He didn’t speak but Jiyong knew exactly what he was thinking.
“I…” He pulled him closer and wanted to hide so badly. “I need help, Seungri.”
The moment the words left his mouth he felt relieved. Like he had finally exposed a secret that had eaten away at him for years. Seungri held him back and stroked his hair.
“We’ll find a way.” His voice sounded so much older than he was and Jiyong couldn’t help but feel it was mostly his fault. “Together, Jiyong. We’ll find a way to figure this out.”
He nodded and reached for the sheets, wanting nothing more than to hold this boy to him and hide from everything forever.
The sun shined in softly from the open window and it lulled him to sleep. Jiyong breathed in and held him tightly. They would just have to take it each day at a time. Never again be able to look at the boy and not feel the steady beat of his heart pressed tightly against his chest.
It would come back.
He knew that most definitely.
But with Seungri in his arms and a smile on his lips, he knew they would be able to try together. Because that was all they could do for now.
And sometimes, trying was just enough to be perfect.