update for the sheer sake of update....
so it's a little windy outside. and when it's breezy i like to be outside and walking in the wind. but when i can't do that i try to reach out - inevitably lonely livejournal entries make me feel like i am reaching out.
it's been weird trying to study and prepare to move. at times i feel like there are a hundred things i need to do and remember and then the next minute i just don't care and laugh. i'm feeling like moving and stuff will be fun as long as i can laugh and not overly-stress out. but it is the end of a school year... a time that always feels strange to me. since graduating high school summers have been interesting, very reflective and rushed times of my life. and for some reason mid-june ALWAYS reminds me of when i graduated high school. not because graduating high school was very monumental to me- but that time in my life was. so many changes - getting ready for college. getting over peter. feeling full of a weird and apprehensive and yet exciting hope for a different future. i remember smoking cigarettes in jenny's neighbors yard and spending a lot of time at the beach at night talking over life in every possible manner. staying out all night seeing peter and feeling taboo about it. it was wrong then. we were whole different people then.
i suppose i am thinking about this all a lot 'cause my lil' sis' just graduated on friday. i wonder if she feels the same way i did.
anyways the wind is blowing gently. and in specific parts of iv i can smell jasmine. and jasmine always reminds me of june at my parents house. and now again i am begining to catch the scent of another senior year- except now i will be a senior in college with no other academic endeavor laid out before me at the end of it. i can't even begin to imagine what next june will feel like. will i feel like i am stepping out into infinite possibilities - or a path set before me along some track.
but i suppose there's no use getting ahead of myself. a part of me wishes this june was the june i would leave ucsb and iv. but on the other hand i've made my decisions and will be here another year and i feel there is a lot i have to do before i can go home again. a lot i need to do up here in order to be ready to face my home town and feel like i can own it.
for now listening to mm is as close to being home as i can be.
it's been weird trying to study and prepare to move. at times i feel like there are a hundred things i need to do and remember and then the next minute i just don't care and laugh. i'm feeling like moving and stuff will be fun as long as i can laugh and not overly-stress out. but it is the end of a school year... a time that always feels strange to me. since graduating high school summers have been interesting, very reflective and rushed times of my life. and for some reason mid-june ALWAYS reminds me of when i graduated high school. not because graduating high school was very monumental to me- but that time in my life was. so many changes - getting ready for college. getting over peter. feeling full of a weird and apprehensive and yet exciting hope for a different future. i remember smoking cigarettes in jenny's neighbors yard and spending a lot of time at the beach at night talking over life in every possible manner. staying out all night seeing peter and feeling taboo about it. it was wrong then. we were whole different people then.
i suppose i am thinking about this all a lot 'cause my lil' sis' just graduated on friday. i wonder if she feels the same way i did.
anyways the wind is blowing gently. and in specific parts of iv i can smell jasmine. and jasmine always reminds me of june at my parents house. and now again i am begining to catch the scent of another senior year- except now i will be a senior in college with no other academic endeavor laid out before me at the end of it. i can't even begin to imagine what next june will feel like. will i feel like i am stepping out into infinite possibilities - or a path set before me along some track.
but i suppose there's no use getting ahead of myself. a part of me wishes this june was the june i would leave ucsb and iv. but on the other hand i've made my decisions and will be here another year and i feel there is a lot i have to do before i can go home again. a lot i need to do up here in order to be ready to face my home town and feel like i can own it.
for now listening to mm is as close to being home as i can be.