And Then I Crashed Into You (And I Went Up In Flames) (6/7)
Fic title: And Then I Crashed Into You (And I Went Up In Flames)
Author name: paracaerouvoar
Artist name: skeptiik
Genre: Slash
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 26K and change
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for most of season four and early season five. Mentions of offscreen main character death and onscreen minor character death.
Summary: Jimmy Novak saw it all. The whole story. And he's ready to talk about it. Caleb Gallagher is listening to the only story that matters. The unfolding story of Dean Winchester, a hunter, and Castiel, an angel, the forbidden love set to a crumbling world background. Starting with being pulled from Hell, it rewinds through Dean's past before fast forwarding to the conflicting feelings they have for each other, building to a deafening crescendo in a fight to the death between hell disguised as Heaven.
Masterpost
Art post
Chapter Five
I can hear Alistair singing, talking, screaming, but Dean is silent. Silent as the grave, almost, and that’s what scares me.
Ruby reappears in the room, the smell of smoke clinging to her like Hell clings to Dean. ‘We shouldn’t be letting him do this. Why are we letting him do this?’ she questions, flicking the lighter in her hand off and on repeatedly, a nervous tic.
‘He’s doing God’s work,’ I repeat my mantra, the only thing I can say, over and over again. God’s work, Heaven’s plan, it’s just, it’s right, it’s God’s will. It has to be. It can’t not be. It can’t.
‘Torturing? That’s God’s work? Stop him, Cas, or you’re gonna ruin the only real weapon we have. We need Dean, or this war isn’t worth fighting.’
‘Who are we to question the will of God?’ I ask.
‘Maybe this isn’t his will,’ she says, placing a hand over mine, gentler than I’ve ever seen her. Funny how Ruby the demon is more caring, more compassionate than Sitael the angel.
‘Then where do the orders come from?’ I look at her bleakly. If this isn’t God’s will, then I’ve just destroyed everything important to the war (Important to me).
‘I don’t know. One of the high up angels, maybe Metatron, but not him.’ I hear choking in the other room, and Ruby’s head whips round to glare through the door. ‘The father you love. You think he wants this? You think he’d want Dean to do this? Cas, do you think this,’ she throws her arm out, encompassing the room. ‘do you think this is right?’
No. I think, but I can’t say it out loud. To say it is to disobey.
‘Open your freakin’ eyes, Cas! This is called doubt, this strange feeling you have. Doubt!’
‘You know these orders are wrong. But you can fix this. I know you’re afraid, and I was too, but together, you, me and-’
I interrupt, suddenly angry beyond reason. ‘Together?’ I yank the hand she’s touching away. ‘I’m nothing like you. You Fell. You’re a demon. Go.’
She looks at me, grey eyes sharp. ‘If you’re not going to stop this, I’m going to find someone who’ll stop you.’
‘Go,’ I repeat, my voice dangerous, and she leaves, kicking a chair across the room with a clang and slamming the door behind her.
I listen to Alistair scream, the deadly quiet of Dean as he works. I can’t do this. I slam the door open just in time to see that Alistair has eluded the Devil’s Trap, and he’s slowly killing Dean. I react. Grabbing the knife from the trolley, I watch as he turns around and lodge the knife in his chest, close to his heart but not quite. It sparks gold pitifully and he grins, the blood running from a cut on his temple only serving to make him maniacal. ‘Well, almost,’ he smirks. ‘Looks like God’s on my side today,’
I raise a hand and twist the knife slowly. More sparks. Alistair grunts in pain, before pulling the knife out with an effort and tossing it aside before charging at me. We grapple, before he gets the upper hand and throws me against a wall, hand around my neck. Pain fizzles inside me. Angels don’t feel pain...
‘You’re like roaches, you celestials. Now, I really wish I knew how to kill you.’ The corners of his mouth tilted downwards in disappointment. ‘But, all I can do is send you back to heaven.’ He chants in Latin, and I’m filled with the sensation of a month ago, being pushed out of my body and back to heaven. I gasp for breath, feeling the wires connecting me to this plane weakening, snapping. And then it’s gone, and I’m back.
Alistair is pinned to the wall, and I am allowed to slump to the ground, blood running into the dirt.
‘Stupid pet tricks,’ he spits at someone I can’t see, and I shift my body until I notice Sam standing in the doorway, hand outstretched. Behind him is Ruby, her eyes black but her wings spread wide, majestic in their decay.
‘Who’s killing the angels?’ she asks, fists clenched. She looks hellish and angelic all at once. ‘How?’
‘You think I’m gonna tell you?’ he chokes.
‘Yeah. You are,’ Sam says, harsh, he flexes his hand and Alistair’s eyes roll white. ‘How are they killing the angels?’ He repeats Ruby’s question.
‘I don’t know!’ Alistair coughs out, blood with it.
‘Right.’ Sam laughs, but the humour doesn’t reach his eyes, and the sound is cold, unfeeling.
‘It’s not us. We’re not doing it!’
‘I don’t believe you!’ Sam shouts, flexing his hand again. Alistair’s eyes spin, human, demon, human, demon, all the while he screams.
‘Lilith is not behind this! She wouldn’t kill seven angels,’ he dismisses, choking out a weak laugh. ‘She’d kill a hundred, a thousand!’
Sam relaxes slightly, exhausted by the effort. Alistair gulps a breath, breathing in some of his old bravado. ‘Oh, go ahead. Send me back, if you can.’
It’s the smile that does it. The slightly cocky smile that tells Sam ‘you can’t do this, and you know it’. His face contorts to a sneer and he snarls at Alistair. ‘I’m stronger than that. Now I can kill.’ He throws his hand out again and I watch as Alistair disintegrates. Gold flares, and the host drops dead, most likely as a result of the torture, or the sheer hell people are put through when they’re possessed. I stand, shakily, as Sam and Ruby rush to Dean. He’s barely conscious, and blood is leaking from everywhere. Cuts on his face and lips the back of his shirt is tacky with drying blood from being thrown against the metal used to keep Alistair imprisoned. Sam lifts him like he would a child and carries him out, brushing past me coolly. He has every right to. For all intents and purposes, I did that to Dean.
Ruby just looks at me, before following Sam out of the door.
--
I go to the hospital and wait in the doorway, watching. He’s unconscious, his chest rising and falling steadily. Sam sits in the chair next to his bed, his eyes fixed on his brother’s bruised and bloody face. I hear sound behind and I turn to see Ruby, arms folded and glaring daggers.
‘Ruby...’ I start, but she interrupts me.
‘Get in there and heal him. Miracle. Fucking now.’
‘I can’t,’ I say honestly.
‘You and Junkless put him in there-’
‘No,’ I try, but she keeps on talking.
‘-because you can’t make a fucking simple Devil’s Trap.’
‘I don’t know what happened. The Trap...it shouldn’t have broken.’
‘This whole thing was so fucking pointless,’ she hisses, as if I didn’t already know. ‘You understand? The demons aren’t doing this! Something else is killing the angels!’
‘Maybe Alistair was lying,’ I try to defend myself.
‘No. He wasn’t,’ she says, before entering the room and talking to Sam in a low voice. I look at Dean once more and close my eyes, reaching out along the connection between us, willing him to wake up. I knit his broken ribs together and coax him out of unconscious. He splutters awake, clawing at the oxygen tube down his throat, and I leave.
--
Uriel is sitting in a park. Snow has just finished falling and it’s times like this I marvel at the beauty of the world around me. ‘Castiel, I received revelation from our superiors. Our brothers and sisters are dying and they...they want us to stop hunting the demon responsible.’ I look at him carefully, before sitting next to him.
‘Something is wrong up there. Can you feel it?’
‘The murders,’ I say, thinking out loud. ‘Maybe they aren’t demonic. Sam Winchester said that the demons had nothing to do with it.’
He looks at me. ‘If not the demons, what could it be?’
The only other answer I can think of. Heaven. Always my answer, it seems. ‘The will of heaven. We are failing, Uriel. We are losing the war. Perhaps the garrison is being punished.’
‘You think our father would...’ he trails off.
‘I think maybe our father isn’t giving the orders anymore. Maybe something there is wrong.’
Uriel stands up, spreading his wings. ‘Well I won’t wait to be gutted.’ He disappears, gliding above the city.
--
I pace, on the city outskirts by the motel we picked Dean up from earlier.
‘You’ll wear a hole in the road if you keep doing that,’ I look up and see Ruby leaning against the lamppost. A cigarette is between her lips, unlit as of yet.
I say nothing, yet continue pacing. She doesn’t leave, keeps watching me. Eventually, I stop pacing and look at her, lost. ‘I’m considering disobedience,’ I almost whisper.
She nods, slowly, blowing smoke into the air. ‘Good.’
‘No, it isn’t,’ I bluster, blank as to how this could be remotely ‘good’. ‘For the first time, I feel...’
‘It gets worse, trust me. Feeling, free will, it’s scary as hell.’ She puts a hand on my shoulder. I look at it, emotionless, and she drops it. ‘That’s right. You’re too freaking pure for me. I’m just a demon. A walking blasphemy. You know what Cas, fuck you!’ She turns to walk away.
‘Ruby,’ I say again, pleading. She stops and turns back to me. ‘I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.’ I’m lost, one angel falling through the air, no flight plan, no orders. I’m not falling, I’m Falling.
‘Sorry, Cas. It’s time to think for yourself.’ She leaves again. This time I let her.
--
‘Was this when you Fell?’ Caleb interrupts. ‘Or, when Castiel Fell, I mean?’
Jimmy shakes his head. ‘He was seriously considering it. I think had things turned out differently, he would have.’
‘What happened?’ Caleb’s coffee is cold again, but he doesn’t need or want caffeine.
‘Uriel happened. He was the one killing angels. He told Castiel to join him and Lucifer or die. Castiel was willing to die for Dean, but he very nearly did die for Heaven. Castiel knew that after that Heaven needed all the angels it could garner, after Uriel thinning the ranks out like that.’
‘What about Dean? What happened to him after Alistair?’
‘The same thing he always did. He bottled it up and kept fighting. Because if he didn’t, who would?’
Jimmy takes a sip of what must be coffee as cold as Caleb’s, before continuing. The story he’s about to tell has a special meaning for him. He’s about to tell the story of how he found his family again, only to have them snatched away. The story of how his daughter was very nearly condemned to the same fate as he had endured for a year.
And the story of how the final cog was wheeled into place for the world to fall into Hell.
--
‘Demon blood?’
Jimmy nods. Caleb stares. Sam Winchester, one of the saviours of the world, drinks demon blood? That’s where his abilities come from? Jimmy continues. ‘So, Sam was thrown into blood rehab for a few days, down in Bobby’s panic room.’
‘You were trying to flush the blood out of his system?’
‘At this point, he was nothing short of a druggie. Since we couldn’t afford to wean him off the demon blood, we had to go cold turkey. And it was working. Until I got orders from above.’
‘What kind of orders?’
‘Sam was to be let out.’
‘What? Why?’
‘They told me it was to save the world. Now I know that was a load of bull. They wanted the apocalypse to start, they wanted Lucifer to rise so they could kill him and end it. Permanently. They just didn’t stop to consider the fact that their saviour, the one who would end it all, decided to go freelance.’ Jimmy’s eyes darken momentarily and he takes another swallow of the icy sludge in his mug.
‘So, Sam started the apocalypse? How?’
‘He broke the final seal.’
‘What was the final seal?’
‘Lilith. He’d been drinking demon blood, and it was making him strong. Strong enough to kill Lilith. Unfortunately, her death, her blood, opened Lucifer’s cage.’
‘What happened next?’
‘Lucifer rose. And Hell rose with him...
--
I wait for Dean in purgatory. When he arrives, he looks broken, a shell of his former hunting self. It’s not hard to see why. His own brother chose demon blood over him, and then tried to kill him when Dean tried to do what he should have done several years ago. His father told him to stop him or save him, and in the end, Dean could do neither.
‘Hello Dean.’ He flinches. ‘It’s almost time.’
‘Hello Dean.’ A voice from behind me. ‘You’re looking fit.’ Zachariah. Of course.
‘Well how ‘bout this?’ Dean drawls. ‘The Suite Life Of Zach And Cas.’ We look at him blankly. ‘It’s a- never mind. So what is this? Where the hell am I?’
‘Call it a green room,’ Zachariah suggest with a lazy wave of his hand. ‘We’re closing in on the finale here. We want to keep you safe before showtime.’ He waves lazily again towards the table, piled high with burgers and glass bottles of beer in a puddle of ice. ‘Try a burger. They’re your favourite. From that seaside shack in Delaware. You were... eleven, I think?’
‘I’m not hungry,’ he sulks. He just wants to find his brother. I don’t understand why we’re keeping him here.
‘No? How about Ginger from season two of Gilligan’s Island? You do have a thing for her, don’t you?’ Zachariah asks, smarming.
Dean looks confused, then a little disgusted. ‘Tempting.’ He shakes his head a little. ‘Weird.’
‘We’ll throw in Mary-Ann for free,’ he cajoles, but Dean declines.
‘No, no, let’s... bail on the holodeck, okay? I want to know what the game plan is.’ I open my mouth, but Zachariah shoots me a look and I close it. I was dragged back to Heaven for speaking my mind, and I’m in no hurry to do it again.
‘Let us worry about that,’ he says smoothly. ‘We want you focused... relaxed.’
‘Well, I’m about to be pissed and leaving, so start talking, chuckles.’ Dean growls.
Zachariah sighs. ‘All the seals have fallen. Except one.’
‘That’s an impressive score. That’s, that’s right up there with the Washington Generals.’ Dean smirks, and Zachariah turns nasty.
‘You think sarcasm’s appropriate, do you? Considering... you started all this? But the final seal... it’ll be different.’
‘Why?’ Dean folds his arms.
‘Lilith has to break it. She’s the only one who can. Tomorrow... at midnight.’
‘Where?’
‘We’re working on it.’
‘Well, work harder,’ Dean snaps.
‘We’ll do our job. You just make sure you do yours.’
‘Yeah, and what is that exactly?’ he asks. ‘If I’m supposed to be the one who stops her, then how? With the knife?’
‘All in good time,’ Zachariah smoothes over effortlessly.
‘Isn’t now a good time?’ Dean persists, and I can see a miniscule crack appearing in Zachariah’s facade.
‘Have faith,’ he resorts to, eventually.
‘What, in you? Give me one good reason why I should.’
Zachariah moves forward into Dean’s personal space, noses inches apart. ‘Because you swore your obedience. So obey.’ Dean looks over Zachariah’s shoulder at me. I drop my eyes, unable to meet his gaze.
--
I return to purgatory, just in time to see Dean smash a statue, deliberately, maliciously. I can’t blame him for being angry, I would be too. ‘You asked to see me?’ I say quietly. He flinches, before turning around guiltily. He clears his throat.
‘Yeah, listen, I, uh, I need something.’
‘Anything you wish.’ It’s the least I can do.
‘I need you to take me to see Sam,’ he says, looking at the smashed porcelain figurine on the floor.
‘Why?’
‘The B.M I took this morning,’ he snarls, sarcastic. ‘What’s it to you? Just make it snappy.’
‘I don’t think that’s wise,’ I say carefully, but tact is lost on him at this point.
‘Well I didn’t ask for your opinion,’ he snaps.
‘Have you forgotten what happened the last time you met?’ I remind him.
‘No. That’s the whole point. Listen, I’m gonna do whatever you mooks want, okay? Just let me tie up this one thing. Five minutes. That’s all I need.’
‘No,’ I say bluntly.
‘What do you mean ‘no’? Are you saying I’m trapped here?’ He moves closer, fists clenching. I’m bigger than Dean, but right now I’m not sure I could beat him in a fight. Anger is a powerful weapon in the hands of Dean Winchester.
‘You can go wherever you want.’ I try.
‘Super. I wanna go see Sam.’
‘Except there,’ I clarify, and his jaw tightens.
‘I want to take a walk.’
‘I’ll go with you,’ I say, and his jaw clenches even more.
‘Alone,’ he attempts.
‘No.’ He grinds his teeth before spinning and walking away.
‘You know what, screw this noise, I’m outta here.’ He heads for the large ornate door at the end of the room, so I do what I can to distract him.
‘Through what door?’ He turns to face me and with a subtle wave of my hand I alter reality, just a little. When he turns back around and finds the door replaced by wall, he growls. My cue to leave.
--
When I return, he’s dialling Sam’s number, over and over again. He’s met with static, as I knew he would be. We’re outside time, here. ‘You can’t reach him. You’re outside your coverage zone.’
‘What are you gonna do to Sam?’ he asks, ignoring my statement completely.
‘Nothing. He’s gonna do it to himself.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ he questions, glaring when I don’t answer. ‘Oh, right, right, gotta toe the company line.’ His lip curls in disgust. ‘Why are you here, Cas?’
After casting around for some other options, I start with the truth. ‘We’ve been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry it ended like this.’
He laughs, the sound not reaching his eyes, cold and green and dying. ‘“Sorry?” It’s Armageddon, Cas. You need a bigger word than sorry!’
‘Try to understand,’ I argue. ‘This has long been foretold. This is your-’
‘Destiny?’ he interrupts. ‘Don’t give me that ‘holy’ crap. Destiny, God’s plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families -- that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?’
‘What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.’ I snarl back, angry. He fights so hard for a world that can’t be saved. It’s going to destroy him.
‘You can take your peace... and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it.’ He shouts back at me, throwing his hands in the air. I turn away. I don’t want to argue, to scream and shout, but he’s making it hard for me to have faith. It’s like he’s shouting down Heaven, as if he could. ‘Look at me! You know it! You were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to bible camp. Help me -- now. Please.’
‘What would you have me do?’ I ask dully. He’s worn me down, tarnished me.
I can’t seem to bring myself to care.
‘Get me to Sam. We can stop this now, before it’s too late.’ He urges me. I’m so close. So close to doing it. Turning my back on heaven and fighting with Dean, not against him.
I can’t. ‘I do that, we will all be hunted. We will all be killed.’
He looks at me, not saying anything, just looking at me. ‘If there is anything worth dying for, this is it.’ I say nothing. My heart pulls me to Dean, my wings pull me to heaven. If I choose, I must lose one of them. But which one? ‘You spineless, soulless son of a bitch. What do you care about dying? You’re already dead. We’re done.'
It looks like my path has been chosen for me. ‘Dean...’
‘We’re done,’ he barks. I leave.
--
I return. I’m still angry, and I’m sure Dean is too, but I’m tired. Tired of obeying, tired of being a hammer. Tired of not being able to think, speak, do anything for myself. When I arrive, he’s just picked up a burger. I grab his shoulder and spin him around, slamming him up against a wall a hand over his mouth. I make a split second decision and move my hand, replacing it with my lips. I’m tired of hiding my feelings, and I’m tired of hiding from them. I don’t care if he doesn’t feel the same, but maybe doing it will make these feelings stop. I don’t like feelings. They’re strange and not normal, and they scare me. Or, they used to. Standing here, with my lips pressed against Dean’s, one hand fisted in his shirt, the other hand planted on the wall next to his head. There’s a moment, stretching out over hours to me where he doesn’t respond, and then he goes limp in my arms, his lips responding to mine. He’s infinitely more experienced than I am, so when his tongue traces along the outline of my lips, I let him take control of the kiss. After what seems like days, we part, and he smiles slightly. ‘That’s a hell of a way to get me on your side,’ he says gently, resting his forehead on mine. I smile back, before drawing out of his grasp and pulling a knife out. I run it across my arm, and along with feelings, I now have pain. Scarlet blood dribbles to the floor as I dabble my fingers in the blood and draw the sigil I learnt from Ruby a few months ago.
‘Castiel! Would you mind explaining just what the hell you’re doing?’ I ignore him, drawing the last details and slamming my palm against it. In a violent flash of white light, he’s literally blown back to heaven.
‘He won’t be gone long. We have to find Sam now,’ I tell him, pulling away from him completely and spreading my wings.
‘Where is he?’ Dean asks, moving forward off the wall.
‘I don’t know. But I know who does. We have to stop him, Dean, from killing Lilith.’ My wings begin to come alive, the living feathers fluttering in anticipation of the flight.
‘But Lilith’s gonna break the final seal,’ he says, confused.
‘Lilith is the final seal. She dies, and the world ends.’
I hold Dean close, and we fly.
--
We land in Chuck’s house. He’s on the phone, but he hangs up after seeing us. Ruby is lazing on the sofa using an eggcup as an ashtray and filling the house with a steady stream of smoke. ‘Well look at that. Bambi broke you out of Guantanamo all by himself. Finally grow a pair?’
Dean shrugs grimly, grabbing Chuck by his dressing gown and lifting him a couple of inches of the ground. ‘Sam,’ he growls, and Chuck blanches a little.
Ruby rises languidly from the sofa, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder. ‘Hey, macho man. Giving him a stroke isn’t going to find your brother any faster.’
With an effort, and a few deep breaths, Dean lowers him to the ground. Check straightens his dressing gown in a vain attempt to scramble together some dignity, before grabbing a sheaf of paper and flicking through the typed pages. ‘St Mary’s.’ He says it with finality, grabbing the half empty bottle of amber liquid that sits by the sofa.
‘St Mary’s? What is that, a convent?’ Dean asks, finally resembling calm and cool.
‘Yeah, but you guys aren’t supposed to be there. You’re not in this story.’ Chuck flips through the novel once more.
‘Yeah, well...’ I start to explain, shooting a look at Dean. ‘We’re making it up as we go along.’
Chuck watches the look and I have a strange feeling that he knows exactly what happened in purgatory.
Suddenly, the windows rattle and light fills the room. ‘Not again,’ moans Chuck, and Ruby swears and stubs her cigarette out. ‘Your fucking brother’s here, Bambi! Time to get the hell out of Dodge!’
I take a deep breath, take Dean’s hand in mine and Ruby’s hand on the other, and I spread my wings and fly, soaring high above the clouds. A demon, an angel and a hunter, flying to save the world.
--
We land in Maryland, just outside the convent and we see Sam come flying out the door just as the same burning white light as in Chuck’s home engulfs us all. He races towards us, falling into his brother’s arms as tears dribble down his face. ‘I’m sorry,’ he gasps out, and they embrace, all their sins towards each other forgotten in this one moment.
‘Shit.’ Ruby grinds out the word, and we turn. She has her back to us, towards the town, and emerging from the shadows are demon after demon, their black eyes staring at us. At the front is someone neither angel nor demon. His wings are as rotten as Ruby’s, but there’s something otherworldly about him. Ruby could pass for human, to a human, anyway, but no one would mistake him for human. His Grace burns so bright the brothers have to squint to look at him.
My brother always was the brightest of us all. It’s why our Father called him Lucifer. Morning Star.
We stand in a row, four against four hundred, ready to fight the devil and then, the curious rustle of wings and feathers and scales behind us, and Zachariah emerges from the church, a legion of angels with him. The demons flee. Lucifer knows he can’t fight heaven, not yet. So he grins at us, and vanishes, his rotten wings taking him high into the night sky. Leaving us with the wrath of the angels.
Zachariah smiles, raising the angel killing sword.
The sound of snapping fingers crackle through the air, and everything is gone. It’s like being suspended in nothingness...
Epilogue
Author name: paracaerouvoar
Artist name: skeptiik
Genre: Slash
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 26K and change
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for most of season four and early season five. Mentions of offscreen main character death and onscreen minor character death.
Summary: Jimmy Novak saw it all. The whole story. And he's ready to talk about it. Caleb Gallagher is listening to the only story that matters. The unfolding story of Dean Winchester, a hunter, and Castiel, an angel, the forbidden love set to a crumbling world background. Starting with being pulled from Hell, it rewinds through Dean's past before fast forwarding to the conflicting feelings they have for each other, building to a deafening crescendo in a fight to the death between hell disguised as Heaven.
Masterpost
Art post
Chapter Five
I can hear Alistair singing, talking, screaming, but Dean is silent. Silent as the grave, almost, and that’s what scares me.
Ruby reappears in the room, the smell of smoke clinging to her like Hell clings to Dean. ‘We shouldn’t be letting him do this. Why are we letting him do this?’ she questions, flicking the lighter in her hand off and on repeatedly, a nervous tic.
‘He’s doing God’s work,’ I repeat my mantra, the only thing I can say, over and over again. God’s work, Heaven’s plan, it’s just, it’s right, it’s God’s will. It has to be. It can’t not be. It can’t.
‘Torturing? That’s God’s work? Stop him, Cas, or you’re gonna ruin the only real weapon we have. We need Dean, or this war isn’t worth fighting.’
‘Who are we to question the will of God?’ I ask.
‘Maybe this isn’t his will,’ she says, placing a hand over mine, gentler than I’ve ever seen her. Funny how Ruby the demon is more caring, more compassionate than Sitael the angel.
‘Then where do the orders come from?’ I look at her bleakly. If this isn’t God’s will, then I’ve just destroyed everything important to the war (Important to me).
‘I don’t know. One of the high up angels, maybe Metatron, but not him.’ I hear choking in the other room, and Ruby’s head whips round to glare through the door. ‘The father you love. You think he wants this? You think he’d want Dean to do this? Cas, do you think this,’ she throws her arm out, encompassing the room. ‘do you think this is right?’
No. I think, but I can’t say it out loud. To say it is to disobey.
‘Open your freakin’ eyes, Cas! This is called doubt, this strange feeling you have. Doubt!’
‘You know these orders are wrong. But you can fix this. I know you’re afraid, and I was too, but together, you, me and-’
I interrupt, suddenly angry beyond reason. ‘Together?’ I yank the hand she’s touching away. ‘I’m nothing like you. You Fell. You’re a demon. Go.’
She looks at me, grey eyes sharp. ‘If you’re not going to stop this, I’m going to find someone who’ll stop you.’
‘Go,’ I repeat, my voice dangerous, and she leaves, kicking a chair across the room with a clang and slamming the door behind her.
I listen to Alistair scream, the deadly quiet of Dean as he works. I can’t do this. I slam the door open just in time to see that Alistair has eluded the Devil’s Trap, and he’s slowly killing Dean. I react. Grabbing the knife from the trolley, I watch as he turns around and lodge the knife in his chest, close to his heart but not quite. It sparks gold pitifully and he grins, the blood running from a cut on his temple only serving to make him maniacal. ‘Well, almost,’ he smirks. ‘Looks like God’s on my side today,’
I raise a hand and twist the knife slowly. More sparks. Alistair grunts in pain, before pulling the knife out with an effort and tossing it aside before charging at me. We grapple, before he gets the upper hand and throws me against a wall, hand around my neck. Pain fizzles inside me. Angels don’t feel pain...
‘You’re like roaches, you celestials. Now, I really wish I knew how to kill you.’ The corners of his mouth tilted downwards in disappointment. ‘But, all I can do is send you back to heaven.’ He chants in Latin, and I’m filled with the sensation of a month ago, being pushed out of my body and back to heaven. I gasp for breath, feeling the wires connecting me to this plane weakening, snapping. And then it’s gone, and I’m back.
Alistair is pinned to the wall, and I am allowed to slump to the ground, blood running into the dirt.
‘Stupid pet tricks,’ he spits at someone I can’t see, and I shift my body until I notice Sam standing in the doorway, hand outstretched. Behind him is Ruby, her eyes black but her wings spread wide, majestic in their decay.
‘Who’s killing the angels?’ she asks, fists clenched. She looks hellish and angelic all at once. ‘How?’
‘You think I’m gonna tell you?’ he chokes.
‘Yeah. You are,’ Sam says, harsh, he flexes his hand and Alistair’s eyes roll white. ‘How are they killing the angels?’ He repeats Ruby’s question.
‘I don’t know!’ Alistair coughs out, blood with it.
‘Right.’ Sam laughs, but the humour doesn’t reach his eyes, and the sound is cold, unfeeling.
‘It’s not us. We’re not doing it!’
‘I don’t believe you!’ Sam shouts, flexing his hand again. Alistair’s eyes spin, human, demon, human, demon, all the while he screams.
‘Lilith is not behind this! She wouldn’t kill seven angels,’ he dismisses, choking out a weak laugh. ‘She’d kill a hundred, a thousand!’
Sam relaxes slightly, exhausted by the effort. Alistair gulps a breath, breathing in some of his old bravado. ‘Oh, go ahead. Send me back, if you can.’
It’s the smile that does it. The slightly cocky smile that tells Sam ‘you can’t do this, and you know it’. His face contorts to a sneer and he snarls at Alistair. ‘I’m stronger than that. Now I can kill.’ He throws his hand out again and I watch as Alistair disintegrates. Gold flares, and the host drops dead, most likely as a result of the torture, or the sheer hell people are put through when they’re possessed. I stand, shakily, as Sam and Ruby rush to Dean. He’s barely conscious, and blood is leaking from everywhere. Cuts on his face and lips the back of his shirt is tacky with drying blood from being thrown against the metal used to keep Alistair imprisoned. Sam lifts him like he would a child and carries him out, brushing past me coolly. He has every right to. For all intents and purposes, I did that to Dean.
Ruby just looks at me, before following Sam out of the door.
--
I go to the hospital and wait in the doorway, watching. He’s unconscious, his chest rising and falling steadily. Sam sits in the chair next to his bed, his eyes fixed on his brother’s bruised and bloody face. I hear sound behind and I turn to see Ruby, arms folded and glaring daggers.
‘Ruby...’ I start, but she interrupts me.
‘Get in there and heal him. Miracle. Fucking now.’
‘I can’t,’ I say honestly.
‘You and Junkless put him in there-’
‘No,’ I try, but she keeps on talking.
‘-because you can’t make a fucking simple Devil’s Trap.’
‘I don’t know what happened. The Trap...it shouldn’t have broken.’
‘This whole thing was so fucking pointless,’ she hisses, as if I didn’t already know. ‘You understand? The demons aren’t doing this! Something else is killing the angels!’
‘Maybe Alistair was lying,’ I try to defend myself.
‘No. He wasn’t,’ she says, before entering the room and talking to Sam in a low voice. I look at Dean once more and close my eyes, reaching out along the connection between us, willing him to wake up. I knit his broken ribs together and coax him out of unconscious. He splutters awake, clawing at the oxygen tube down his throat, and I leave.
--
Uriel is sitting in a park. Snow has just finished falling and it’s times like this I marvel at the beauty of the world around me. ‘Castiel, I received revelation from our superiors. Our brothers and sisters are dying and they...they want us to stop hunting the demon responsible.’ I look at him carefully, before sitting next to him.
‘Something is wrong up there. Can you feel it?’
‘The murders,’ I say, thinking out loud. ‘Maybe they aren’t demonic. Sam Winchester said that the demons had nothing to do with it.’
He looks at me. ‘If not the demons, what could it be?’
The only other answer I can think of. Heaven. Always my answer, it seems. ‘The will of heaven. We are failing, Uriel. We are losing the war. Perhaps the garrison is being punished.’
‘You think our father would...’ he trails off.
‘I think maybe our father isn’t giving the orders anymore. Maybe something there is wrong.’
Uriel stands up, spreading his wings. ‘Well I won’t wait to be gutted.’ He disappears, gliding above the city.
--
I pace, on the city outskirts by the motel we picked Dean up from earlier.
‘You’ll wear a hole in the road if you keep doing that,’ I look up and see Ruby leaning against the lamppost. A cigarette is between her lips, unlit as of yet.
I say nothing, yet continue pacing. She doesn’t leave, keeps watching me. Eventually, I stop pacing and look at her, lost. ‘I’m considering disobedience,’ I almost whisper.
She nods, slowly, blowing smoke into the air. ‘Good.’
‘No, it isn’t,’ I bluster, blank as to how this could be remotely ‘good’. ‘For the first time, I feel...’
‘It gets worse, trust me. Feeling, free will, it’s scary as hell.’ She puts a hand on my shoulder. I look at it, emotionless, and she drops it. ‘That’s right. You’re too freaking pure for me. I’m just a demon. A walking blasphemy. You know what Cas, fuck you!’ She turns to walk away.
‘Ruby,’ I say again, pleading. She stops and turns back to me. ‘I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.’ I’m lost, one angel falling through the air, no flight plan, no orders. I’m not falling, I’m Falling.
‘Sorry, Cas. It’s time to think for yourself.’ She leaves again. This time I let her.
--
‘Was this when you Fell?’ Caleb interrupts. ‘Or, when Castiel Fell, I mean?’
Jimmy shakes his head. ‘He was seriously considering it. I think had things turned out differently, he would have.’
‘What happened?’ Caleb’s coffee is cold again, but he doesn’t need or want caffeine.
‘Uriel happened. He was the one killing angels. He told Castiel to join him and Lucifer or die. Castiel was willing to die for Dean, but he very nearly did die for Heaven. Castiel knew that after that Heaven needed all the angels it could garner, after Uriel thinning the ranks out like that.’
‘What about Dean? What happened to him after Alistair?’
‘The same thing he always did. He bottled it up and kept fighting. Because if he didn’t, who would?’
Jimmy takes a sip of what must be coffee as cold as Caleb’s, before continuing. The story he’s about to tell has a special meaning for him. He’s about to tell the story of how he found his family again, only to have them snatched away. The story of how his daughter was very nearly condemned to the same fate as he had endured for a year.
And the story of how the final cog was wheeled into place for the world to fall into Hell.
--
‘Demon blood?’
Jimmy nods. Caleb stares. Sam Winchester, one of the saviours of the world, drinks demon blood? That’s where his abilities come from? Jimmy continues. ‘So, Sam was thrown into blood rehab for a few days, down in Bobby’s panic room.’
‘You were trying to flush the blood out of his system?’
‘At this point, he was nothing short of a druggie. Since we couldn’t afford to wean him off the demon blood, we had to go cold turkey. And it was working. Until I got orders from above.’
‘What kind of orders?’
‘Sam was to be let out.’
‘What? Why?’
‘They told me it was to save the world. Now I know that was a load of bull. They wanted the apocalypse to start, they wanted Lucifer to rise so they could kill him and end it. Permanently. They just didn’t stop to consider the fact that their saviour, the one who would end it all, decided to go freelance.’ Jimmy’s eyes darken momentarily and he takes another swallow of the icy sludge in his mug.
‘So, Sam started the apocalypse? How?’
‘He broke the final seal.’
‘What was the final seal?’
‘Lilith. He’d been drinking demon blood, and it was making him strong. Strong enough to kill Lilith. Unfortunately, her death, her blood, opened Lucifer’s cage.’
‘What happened next?’
‘Lucifer rose. And Hell rose with him...
--
I wait for Dean in purgatory. When he arrives, he looks broken, a shell of his former hunting self. It’s not hard to see why. His own brother chose demon blood over him, and then tried to kill him when Dean tried to do what he should have done several years ago. His father told him to stop him or save him, and in the end, Dean could do neither.
‘Hello Dean.’ He flinches. ‘It’s almost time.’
‘Hello Dean.’ A voice from behind me. ‘You’re looking fit.’ Zachariah. Of course.
‘Well how ‘bout this?’ Dean drawls. ‘The Suite Life Of Zach And Cas.’ We look at him blankly. ‘It’s a- never mind. So what is this? Where the hell am I?’
‘Call it a green room,’ Zachariah suggest with a lazy wave of his hand. ‘We’re closing in on the finale here. We want to keep you safe before showtime.’ He waves lazily again towards the table, piled high with burgers and glass bottles of beer in a puddle of ice. ‘Try a burger. They’re your favourite. From that seaside shack in Delaware. You were... eleven, I think?’
‘I’m not hungry,’ he sulks. He just wants to find his brother. I don’t understand why we’re keeping him here.
‘No? How about Ginger from season two of Gilligan’s Island? You do have a thing for her, don’t you?’ Zachariah asks, smarming.
Dean looks confused, then a little disgusted. ‘Tempting.’ He shakes his head a little. ‘Weird.’
‘We’ll throw in Mary-Ann for free,’ he cajoles, but Dean declines.
‘No, no, let’s... bail on the holodeck, okay? I want to know what the game plan is.’ I open my mouth, but Zachariah shoots me a look and I close it. I was dragged back to Heaven for speaking my mind, and I’m in no hurry to do it again.
‘Let us worry about that,’ he says smoothly. ‘We want you focused... relaxed.’
‘Well, I’m about to be pissed and leaving, so start talking, chuckles.’ Dean growls.
Zachariah sighs. ‘All the seals have fallen. Except one.’
‘That’s an impressive score. That’s, that’s right up there with the Washington Generals.’ Dean smirks, and Zachariah turns nasty.
‘You think sarcasm’s appropriate, do you? Considering... you started all this? But the final seal... it’ll be different.’
‘Why?’ Dean folds his arms.
‘Lilith has to break it. She’s the only one who can. Tomorrow... at midnight.’
‘Where?’
‘We’re working on it.’
‘Well, work harder,’ Dean snaps.
‘We’ll do our job. You just make sure you do yours.’
‘Yeah, and what is that exactly?’ he asks. ‘If I’m supposed to be the one who stops her, then how? With the knife?’
‘All in good time,’ Zachariah smoothes over effortlessly.
‘Isn’t now a good time?’ Dean persists, and I can see a miniscule crack appearing in Zachariah’s facade.
‘Have faith,’ he resorts to, eventually.
‘What, in you? Give me one good reason why I should.’
Zachariah moves forward into Dean’s personal space, noses inches apart. ‘Because you swore your obedience. So obey.’ Dean looks over Zachariah’s shoulder at me. I drop my eyes, unable to meet his gaze.
--
I return to purgatory, just in time to see Dean smash a statue, deliberately, maliciously. I can’t blame him for being angry, I would be too. ‘You asked to see me?’ I say quietly. He flinches, before turning around guiltily. He clears his throat.
‘Yeah, listen, I, uh, I need something.’
‘Anything you wish.’ It’s the least I can do.
‘I need you to take me to see Sam,’ he says, looking at the smashed porcelain figurine on the floor.
‘Why?’
‘The B.M I took this morning,’ he snarls, sarcastic. ‘What’s it to you? Just make it snappy.’
‘I don’t think that’s wise,’ I say carefully, but tact is lost on him at this point.
‘Well I didn’t ask for your opinion,’ he snaps.
‘Have you forgotten what happened the last time you met?’ I remind him.
‘No. That’s the whole point. Listen, I’m gonna do whatever you mooks want, okay? Just let me tie up this one thing. Five minutes. That’s all I need.’
‘No,’ I say bluntly.
‘What do you mean ‘no’? Are you saying I’m trapped here?’ He moves closer, fists clenching. I’m bigger than Dean, but right now I’m not sure I could beat him in a fight. Anger is a powerful weapon in the hands of Dean Winchester.
‘You can go wherever you want.’ I try.
‘Super. I wanna go see Sam.’
‘Except there,’ I clarify, and his jaw tightens.
‘I want to take a walk.’
‘I’ll go with you,’ I say, and his jaw clenches even more.
‘Alone,’ he attempts.
‘No.’ He grinds his teeth before spinning and walking away.
‘You know what, screw this noise, I’m outta here.’ He heads for the large ornate door at the end of the room, so I do what I can to distract him.
‘Through what door?’ He turns to face me and with a subtle wave of my hand I alter reality, just a little. When he turns back around and finds the door replaced by wall, he growls. My cue to leave.
--
When I return, he’s dialling Sam’s number, over and over again. He’s met with static, as I knew he would be. We’re outside time, here. ‘You can’t reach him. You’re outside your coverage zone.’
‘What are you gonna do to Sam?’ he asks, ignoring my statement completely.
‘Nothing. He’s gonna do it to himself.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ he questions, glaring when I don’t answer. ‘Oh, right, right, gotta toe the company line.’ His lip curls in disgust. ‘Why are you here, Cas?’
After casting around for some other options, I start with the truth. ‘We’ve been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry it ended like this.’
He laughs, the sound not reaching his eyes, cold and green and dying. ‘“Sorry?” It’s Armageddon, Cas. You need a bigger word than sorry!’
‘Try to understand,’ I argue. ‘This has long been foretold. This is your-’
‘Destiny?’ he interrupts. ‘Don’t give me that ‘holy’ crap. Destiny, God’s plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families -- that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?’
‘What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.’ I snarl back, angry. He fights so hard for a world that can’t be saved. It’s going to destroy him.
‘You can take your peace... and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier. There is a right and there is a wrong here, and you know it.’ He shouts back at me, throwing his hands in the air. I turn away. I don’t want to argue, to scream and shout, but he’s making it hard for me to have faith. It’s like he’s shouting down Heaven, as if he could. ‘Look at me! You know it! You were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to bible camp. Help me -- now. Please.’
‘What would you have me do?’ I ask dully. He’s worn me down, tarnished me.
I can’t seem to bring myself to care.
‘Get me to Sam. We can stop this now, before it’s too late.’ He urges me. I’m so close. So close to doing it. Turning my back on heaven and fighting with Dean, not against him.
I can’t. ‘I do that, we will all be hunted. We will all be killed.’
He looks at me, not saying anything, just looking at me. ‘If there is anything worth dying for, this is it.’ I say nothing. My heart pulls me to Dean, my wings pull me to heaven. If I choose, I must lose one of them. But which one? ‘You spineless, soulless son of a bitch. What do you care about dying? You’re already dead. We’re done.'
It looks like my path has been chosen for me. ‘Dean...’
‘We’re done,’ he barks. I leave.
--
I return. I’m still angry, and I’m sure Dean is too, but I’m tired. Tired of obeying, tired of being a hammer. Tired of not being able to think, speak, do anything for myself. When I arrive, he’s just picked up a burger. I grab his shoulder and spin him around, slamming him up against a wall a hand over his mouth. I make a split second decision and move my hand, replacing it with my lips. I’m tired of hiding my feelings, and I’m tired of hiding from them. I don’t care if he doesn’t feel the same, but maybe doing it will make these feelings stop. I don’t like feelings. They’re strange and not normal, and they scare me. Or, they used to. Standing here, with my lips pressed against Dean’s, one hand fisted in his shirt, the other hand planted on the wall next to his head. There’s a moment, stretching out over hours to me where he doesn’t respond, and then he goes limp in my arms, his lips responding to mine. He’s infinitely more experienced than I am, so when his tongue traces along the outline of my lips, I let him take control of the kiss. After what seems like days, we part, and he smiles slightly. ‘That’s a hell of a way to get me on your side,’ he says gently, resting his forehead on mine. I smile back, before drawing out of his grasp and pulling a knife out. I run it across my arm, and along with feelings, I now have pain. Scarlet blood dribbles to the floor as I dabble my fingers in the blood and draw the sigil I learnt from Ruby a few months ago.
‘Castiel! Would you mind explaining just what the hell you’re doing?’ I ignore him, drawing the last details and slamming my palm against it. In a violent flash of white light, he’s literally blown back to heaven.
‘He won’t be gone long. We have to find Sam now,’ I tell him, pulling away from him completely and spreading my wings.
‘Where is he?’ Dean asks, moving forward off the wall.
‘I don’t know. But I know who does. We have to stop him, Dean, from killing Lilith.’ My wings begin to come alive, the living feathers fluttering in anticipation of the flight.
‘But Lilith’s gonna break the final seal,’ he says, confused.
‘Lilith is the final seal. She dies, and the world ends.’
I hold Dean close, and we fly.
--
We land in Chuck’s house. He’s on the phone, but he hangs up after seeing us. Ruby is lazing on the sofa using an eggcup as an ashtray and filling the house with a steady stream of smoke. ‘Well look at that. Bambi broke you out of Guantanamo all by himself. Finally grow a pair?’
Dean shrugs grimly, grabbing Chuck by his dressing gown and lifting him a couple of inches of the ground. ‘Sam,’ he growls, and Chuck blanches a little.
Ruby rises languidly from the sofa, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder. ‘Hey, macho man. Giving him a stroke isn’t going to find your brother any faster.’
With an effort, and a few deep breaths, Dean lowers him to the ground. Check straightens his dressing gown in a vain attempt to scramble together some dignity, before grabbing a sheaf of paper and flicking through the typed pages. ‘St Mary’s.’ He says it with finality, grabbing the half empty bottle of amber liquid that sits by the sofa.
‘St Mary’s? What is that, a convent?’ Dean asks, finally resembling calm and cool.
‘Yeah, but you guys aren’t supposed to be there. You’re not in this story.’ Chuck flips through the novel once more.
‘Yeah, well...’ I start to explain, shooting a look at Dean. ‘We’re making it up as we go along.’
Chuck watches the look and I have a strange feeling that he knows exactly what happened in purgatory.
Suddenly, the windows rattle and light fills the room. ‘Not again,’ moans Chuck, and Ruby swears and stubs her cigarette out. ‘Your fucking brother’s here, Bambi! Time to get the hell out of Dodge!’
I take a deep breath, take Dean’s hand in mine and Ruby’s hand on the other, and I spread my wings and fly, soaring high above the clouds. A demon, an angel and a hunter, flying to save the world.
--
We land in Maryland, just outside the convent and we see Sam come flying out the door just as the same burning white light as in Chuck’s home engulfs us all. He races towards us, falling into his brother’s arms as tears dribble down his face. ‘I’m sorry,’ he gasps out, and they embrace, all their sins towards each other forgotten in this one moment.
‘Shit.’ Ruby grinds out the word, and we turn. She has her back to us, towards the town, and emerging from the shadows are demon after demon, their black eyes staring at us. At the front is someone neither angel nor demon. His wings are as rotten as Ruby’s, but there’s something otherworldly about him. Ruby could pass for human, to a human, anyway, but no one would mistake him for human. His Grace burns so bright the brothers have to squint to look at him.
My brother always was the brightest of us all. It’s why our Father called him Lucifer. Morning Star.
We stand in a row, four against four hundred, ready to fight the devil and then, the curious rustle of wings and feathers and scales behind us, and Zachariah emerges from the church, a legion of angels with him. The demons flee. Lucifer knows he can’t fight heaven, not yet. So he grins at us, and vanishes, his rotten wings taking him high into the night sky. Leaving us with the wrath of the angels.
Zachariah smiles, raising the angel killing sword.
The sound of snapping fingers crackle through the air, and everything is gone. It’s like being suspended in nothingness...
Epilogue