(005) CG: make a massive outpouring of slightly informative vitriol.
[ Karkat is cranky today, to no-one's surprise. For those who pay attention, he's actually been...almost quiet about these things. The reason being that aside from being able to spend some serious couch time with the human Meg Ryan and the human Sandra Bullock's finest films, he's been working on something.
And when Karkat works on something, you'd better be damn sure he focuses and makes sure the job gets done. But there's no underestimating the people in this castle, so the journal snaps open today to the sound of hammering and buzzing in the background, quickly muted before he begins.
And oh, does he begin. ]
ALRIGHT, FUCKSTAINS, HERE'S THE DEAL
I'M KARKAT VANTAS, IN CASE YOUR HEAD WAS SHOVED SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU MANAGED TO MISS THE GIANT STREAM OF PAVEMENT GREY VITRIOLIC CAPSLOCK OVER YOUR JOURNAL FOR THE LAST MONTH OR TWO
AND I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, DON'T INTERRUPT, AND LISTEN
I AM SO COMPLETELY SERIOUS ABOUT THAT SECOND PART
IF I HEAR ONE WORD BEFORE I'M DONE I WILL PERSONALLY FIND YOU, LOCATE YOUR CARTILAGE NUB
AND SNAP IT INTO HOWEVER MANY PIECES IS EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL FOR YOUR SPECIES
SO, AND I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH
KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS SHUT FOR A SECOND
I'M A TROLL. I'M FROM A PLANET CALLED ALTERNIA THAT YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF
BUT YOU'VE SEEN US AROUND. WE'VE GOT GREY SKINS, HORNS, AND WE'RE ALL SO FUCKING MUCH BETTER THAN YOU THAT YOU SHOULD ALL BE CLAWING OUT YOUR OWN FUCKING EYES IN GLORY OF OUR MAGNIFICENCE
MOST OF US WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING YOUR LITTLE WIGGLERS FROM SHITTING THEMSELVES IN FEAR WHILE WE WERE STUCK IN SLENDERMAN'S PLACE
YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME, BY THE WAY
BUT THE POINT IS, THERE'S A FEW OF US HERE, AND WE'RE USED TO HAVING A BASE
SO WE'VE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT THAT
IT'S NOT DONE YET, BUT WE'VE TAKEN THE TOP OF ONE OF YOUR TOWERS
I DON'T REMEMBER THE FUCKING NAMES, BUT IT'S THE ONE WITH A GOGDAMN LANDING PAD STICKING OUT OF IT
IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT FROM THERE THEN YOU SHOULD BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT CHOKING ON YOUR WHEATFLAKES
MAYBE EVEN CHOKING YOURSELF WITH YOUR SHOELACES
I HONESTLY WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED ABOUT ANY DEPTHS YOUR HUMAN STUPIDITY COULD SINK TO
BUT THE POINT IS
THE ACTUAL FUCKING POINT IS
STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT
TROLLS ONLY, EVERYONE IS A FUCKING LOSER, ET FUCKING CETERA
IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE AN EXCEPTION, YOU'RE NOT, AND I FUCKING HATE YOU
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE ALLOWED UP
WE'RE ALSO IMPLEMENTING TRANSPORTALIZERS
SORT OF LIKE THAT TELEPORT CIRCLE YOU'VE GOT IN YOUR BASEMENT EXCEPT NOT A PIECE OF SHIT
DON'T USE IT
IT'S NOT FOR YOU
AND YOU'LL BE MET WITH A PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE IF YOU STEP ON IT
NO EXCEPTIONS
NOT EVEN YOU
SO NOBODY GET ALARMED AND PISS THEMSELVES OVER THAT APPEARING
WE'VE GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TO ACCOMMODATE HERE
AND TAVROS ALONE NEEDS SOMETHING TO GET AROUND HIM BEING BACK IN A WHEELCHAIR
JEGUS, EVEN I'M NOT INSENSITIVE ENOUGH TO HARP ON A CRIPPLE, YOU DISGUSTING FUCKS
THE OTHER THING WAS ACTUALLY JUST A QUESTION
ONLY ACTUAL FUCKING ANSWERS NEED APPLY
I WILL SHUT THE JOURNAL ON TROLLING SO FUCKING FAST THAT YOU'LL GET PAPERCUTS ON YOUR FUCKING EYEBALLS
I WAS WATCHING SOME MOVIES THE OTHER DAY AND THERE WAS THIS THING
KIND OF LIKE FLARPING BUT SHITTY AND FULL OF HUMANS
BUT IT SEEMED ALRIGHT AS A TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE OR WHATEVER
SO I WANTED TO ASK
WHAT THE FUCK IS PAINTBALL?
YEAH, THAT'S ALL
YOU CAN SPEAK NOW
[ And after that...there's just one more thing to do. Karkat pauses and gathers himself, having gotten pretty damn worked up after that screaming session, and tries to put on a slightly less hateful voice.
It's hard being the leader. All this diplomacy bullshit. ]
[ VRISKA ]
HEY VRISKA
I WAS LOOKING UP SOME SHIT THE OTHER DAY
AND IT TURNS OUT HUMANS HAVE THEIR OWN VERSION OF FLARPING TOO
THERE'S REGULAR SHIT EXCEPT THEY DON'T GET EXTREME ABOUT IT
SO IT'S FUCKING LAME
BUT THEY HAVE ANOTHER THAT'S PLAYED WITH THE SAME SORT OF DICE THAT YOU USE
NOT AS POWERFUL OR ANYTHING, BUT ANYWAY
I'VE GOT A COUPLE HERE IF YOU WANT TO CHECK THEM OUT
IT COULD WORK FOR A NEW WEAPON
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, ANYWAY
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND FOR AWHILE
[ And now...this. Hurgh. ]
[ KANAYA ]
[ And this one is just. A knock at the door.
Yeah, hi, he's still a little worried about how you're holding up. As a team leader! Nothing about pale quadrants at all. Certainly not.
SHUT UP, VRISKA. ]
And when Karkat works on something, you'd better be damn sure he focuses and makes sure the job gets done. But there's no underestimating the people in this castle, so the journal snaps open today to the sound of hammering and buzzing in the background, quickly muted before he begins.
And oh, does he begin. ]
ALRIGHT, FUCKSTAINS, HERE'S THE DEAL
I'M KARKAT VANTAS, IN CASE YOUR HEAD WAS SHOVED SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU MANAGED TO MISS THE GIANT STREAM OF PAVEMENT GREY VITRIOLIC CAPSLOCK OVER YOUR JOURNAL FOR THE LAST MONTH OR TWO
AND I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, DON'T INTERRUPT, AND LISTEN
I AM SO COMPLETELY SERIOUS ABOUT THAT SECOND PART
IF I HEAR ONE WORD BEFORE I'M DONE I WILL PERSONALLY FIND YOU, LOCATE YOUR CARTILAGE NUB
AND SNAP IT INTO HOWEVER MANY PIECES IS EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL FOR YOUR SPECIES
SO, AND I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH
KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS SHUT FOR A SECOND
I'M A TROLL. I'M FROM A PLANET CALLED ALTERNIA THAT YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF
BUT YOU'VE SEEN US AROUND. WE'VE GOT GREY SKINS, HORNS, AND WE'RE ALL SO FUCKING MUCH BETTER THAN YOU THAT YOU SHOULD ALL BE CLAWING OUT YOUR OWN FUCKING EYES IN GLORY OF OUR MAGNIFICENCE
MOST OF US WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING YOUR LITTLE WIGGLERS FROM SHITTING THEMSELVES IN FEAR WHILE WE WERE STUCK IN SLENDERMAN'S PLACE
YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME, BY THE WAY
BUT THE POINT IS, THERE'S A FEW OF US HERE, AND WE'RE USED TO HAVING A BASE
SO WE'VE DONE SOMETHING ABOUT THAT
IT'S NOT DONE YET, BUT WE'VE TAKEN THE TOP OF ONE OF YOUR TOWERS
I DON'T REMEMBER THE FUCKING NAMES, BUT IT'S THE ONE WITH A GOGDAMN LANDING PAD STICKING OUT OF IT
IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT FROM THERE THEN YOU SHOULD BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT CHOKING ON YOUR WHEATFLAKES
MAYBE EVEN CHOKING YOURSELF WITH YOUR SHOELACES
I HONESTLY WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED ABOUT ANY DEPTHS YOUR HUMAN STUPIDITY COULD SINK TO
BUT THE POINT IS
THE ACTUAL FUCKING POINT IS
STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT
TROLLS ONLY, EVERYONE IS A FUCKING LOSER, ET FUCKING CETERA
IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE AN EXCEPTION, YOU'RE NOT, AND I FUCKING HATE YOU
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE ALLOWED UP
WE'RE ALSO IMPLEMENTING TRANSPORTALIZERS
SORT OF LIKE THAT TELEPORT CIRCLE YOU'VE GOT IN YOUR BASEMENT EXCEPT NOT A PIECE OF SHIT
DON'T USE IT
IT'S NOT FOR YOU
AND YOU'LL BE MET WITH A PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE IF YOU STEP ON IT
NO EXCEPTIONS
NOT EVEN YOU
SO NOBODY GET ALARMED AND PISS THEMSELVES OVER THAT APPEARING
WE'VE GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TO ACCOMMODATE HERE
AND TAVROS ALONE NEEDS SOMETHING TO GET AROUND HIM BEING BACK IN A WHEELCHAIR
JEGUS, EVEN I'M NOT INSENSITIVE ENOUGH TO HARP ON A CRIPPLE, YOU DISGUSTING FUCKS
THE OTHER THING WAS ACTUALLY JUST A QUESTION
ONLY ACTUAL FUCKING ANSWERS NEED APPLY
I WILL SHUT THE JOURNAL ON TROLLING SO FUCKING FAST THAT YOU'LL GET PAPERCUTS ON YOUR FUCKING EYEBALLS
I WAS WATCHING SOME MOVIES THE OTHER DAY AND THERE WAS THIS THING
KIND OF LIKE FLARPING BUT SHITTY AND FULL OF HUMANS
BUT IT SEEMED ALRIGHT AS A TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE OR WHATEVER
SO I WANTED TO ASK
WHAT THE FUCK IS PAINTBALL?
YEAH, THAT'S ALL
YOU CAN SPEAK NOW
[ And after that...there's just one more thing to do. Karkat pauses and gathers himself, having gotten pretty damn worked up after that screaming session, and tries to put on a slightly less hateful voice.
It's hard being the leader. All this diplomacy bullshit. ]
[ VRISKA ]
HEY VRISKA
I WAS LOOKING UP SOME SHIT THE OTHER DAY
AND IT TURNS OUT HUMANS HAVE THEIR OWN VERSION OF FLARPING TOO
THERE'S REGULAR SHIT EXCEPT THEY DON'T GET EXTREME ABOUT IT
SO IT'S FUCKING LAME
BUT THEY HAVE ANOTHER THAT'S PLAYED WITH THE SAME SORT OF DICE THAT YOU USE
NOT AS POWERFUL OR ANYTHING, BUT ANYWAY
I'VE GOT A COUPLE HERE IF YOU WANT TO CHECK THEM OUT
IT COULD WORK FOR A NEW WEAPON
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, ANYWAY
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND FOR AWHILE
[ And now...this. Hurgh. ]
[ KANAYA ]
[ And this one is just. A knock at the door.
Yeah, hi, he's still a little worried about how you're holding up. As a team leader! Nothing about pale quadrants at all. Certainly not.
SHUT UP, VRISKA. ]