I am Jack's rectum
EDIT: Oh, man, gotta stop posting when drunk :D Anyways, immature and disgusting toilet humor of the most insane proportions follows.
Got a turtle head pokin' out. Once it pops, it'll be nothing but squirting. It's like a champagne cork on a shook-up bottle. No matter how I do it, it'll wind up on the walls, even the ceiling. That's why they call it explosive. My lungs are going to be hanging out my butthole. I'm going to pop out a kidney or two. I'll be inside out if I'm not careful. I'm going to push so much out my ass the vacuum will pull everything in the bathroom into my mouth. My mouth will be like a spacelock. There will be no oxygen left in the bathroom, it'll be sucked into the infinite cavity that is my bowels.
Caution: Contents under pressure. Like a fire hose. Gotta take a dump so hard it'll pick me up off the ground. I can hover on a stream of my own shit. I should be a weapon for the Army. I am a shit cannon. Non-lethal, I expect, so I could be used by the national guard for putting down riots. What would deter someone more strongly than a shit-filled firehose? Especially one with burning, chunky, yellow&green diarrhea.
There's an Einstein-Rosen bridge in my sphincter. It's the opposite end of a black hole through hyperspace. Hawking may wonder what happens to matter when it gets sucked in. Baby universes, my ass. No, literally... my ass. It all comes out my butt. Imaginary time collides with my colon to produce new matter. My rectum keeps the thermodynamic unity of the universe in balance. My asshole regulates entropy and the conservation of matter/energy. If we ever discover hyperspace travel, it will include placing me at the exit, so that spaceships can create a bridge, enter hyperspace, and instantly come out of my ass. It can't hurt any more than the supernovas-worth of brown matter that normally comes out of my asshole. So much matter exits my asshole, that it fuses together from the massive energy, and the most efficient form it can take is shit. My shits are so massive, they bend time and space. On a good day (bad day?), light cannot escape my terds. Toilet paper disappears from empirical observation at the event horizon at my rectum. Ask my roommates... it disappears! My crap is the "dark matter" that physicists can't find.
If it comes down to it, I can win any fight. All I have to do is take a dump on my opponent. Seriously, what's worse: an ass-kicking, or getting your face covered in shit? Automatic win. It doesn't matter if they kill me. Well, it matters, but I still win. I could be a shit assassin. I could take pictures. I could stalk through the night, from rooftop to rooftop. I could wait until my target falls asleep, cover them in noxious feces, and take hundreds of pictures. It would be worse than a standard hit, even without the pictures. They'll never live it down. And it doesn't matter if they wake up while I'm there, because I guarantee their first concern will be the shit they're covered in. The reactions will be perfect for my photo collection.
I am the shit ninja. I poop through the night, defecating upon my foe. I am the fecal shadow on the wall. I am clouded in a veil of crap. My poison will defeat you. I am the shit ninja.
Oh man, I gotta poop.
Got a turtle head pokin' out. Once it pops, it'll be nothing but squirting. It's like a champagne cork on a shook-up bottle. No matter how I do it, it'll wind up on the walls, even the ceiling. That's why they call it explosive. My lungs are going to be hanging out my butthole. I'm going to pop out a kidney or two. I'll be inside out if I'm not careful. I'm going to push so much out my ass the vacuum will pull everything in the bathroom into my mouth. My mouth will be like a spacelock. There will be no oxygen left in the bathroom, it'll be sucked into the infinite cavity that is my bowels.
Caution: Contents under pressure. Like a fire hose. Gotta take a dump so hard it'll pick me up off the ground. I can hover on a stream of my own shit. I should be a weapon for the Army. I am a shit cannon. Non-lethal, I expect, so I could be used by the national guard for putting down riots. What would deter someone more strongly than a shit-filled firehose? Especially one with burning, chunky, yellow&green diarrhea.
There's an Einstein-Rosen bridge in my sphincter. It's the opposite end of a black hole through hyperspace. Hawking may wonder what happens to matter when it gets sucked in. Baby universes, my ass. No, literally... my ass. It all comes out my butt. Imaginary time collides with my colon to produce new matter. My rectum keeps the thermodynamic unity of the universe in balance. My asshole regulates entropy and the conservation of matter/energy. If we ever discover hyperspace travel, it will include placing me at the exit, so that spaceships can create a bridge, enter hyperspace, and instantly come out of my ass. It can't hurt any more than the supernovas-worth of brown matter that normally comes out of my asshole. So much matter exits my asshole, that it fuses together from the massive energy, and the most efficient form it can take is shit. My shits are so massive, they bend time and space. On a good day (bad day?), light cannot escape my terds. Toilet paper disappears from empirical observation at the event horizon at my rectum. Ask my roommates... it disappears! My crap is the "dark matter" that physicists can't find.
If it comes down to it, I can win any fight. All I have to do is take a dump on my opponent. Seriously, what's worse: an ass-kicking, or getting your face covered in shit? Automatic win. It doesn't matter if they kill me. Well, it matters, but I still win. I could be a shit assassin. I could take pictures. I could stalk through the night, from rooftop to rooftop. I could wait until my target falls asleep, cover them in noxious feces, and take hundreds of pictures. It would be worse than a standard hit, even without the pictures. They'll never live it down. And it doesn't matter if they wake up while I'm there, because I guarantee their first concern will be the shit they're covered in. The reactions will be perfect for my photo collection.
I am the shit ninja. I poop through the night, defecating upon my foe. I am the fecal shadow on the wall. I am clouded in a veil of crap. My poison will defeat you. I am the shit ninja.
Oh man, I gotta poop.