Here's to you, my YSRMB friends
I'm making this a public entry, because some of the people this is intended for have since cancelled their LJs. If anyone this was not intended for decides to flame me or something, your comments will be swiftly deleted and Sarah Palin will eat your children.
Some of you I've been able to call semi-regularly, others I've barely talked to once or twice in the past couple of years. Yes, we all have lives that keep us busy now - work, college, relationships, etc. However, I was lying awake last night thinking about this, and felt the need to give you all a message.
I know we've had some rough times paired with the great times, I know I'm really bad at keeping in regular contact. I know I've said this in the past and it sounds corny, but - you did change my life.
I was such a weird, messed up kid who grew into a weird, messed up young adult. This was partly due to my treatment by others, but not 100% like I used to believe. I overreacted, and so I likely cost myself several chances at a decent friendship by being so damned withdrawn and stoic. Someone would have had to possess quite the special personality to lure me out of the lonely, self imposed corner.
That's where you guys came in. I went from stoic to way overemotional when I met you guys...I'm really sorry that I put you through that. This is an exaggeration, but it's comparable to an android suddenly having emotions. I went from grey to being flooded with colors, and I was ill equipped to handle it. I went through a large portion of the adolescent learning curve during the first few years of my twenties. I look back and understand why this happened, but I still feel like a bonehead for the ways I overreacted to alot of things. It's taken time for these things to even out.
However, this isn't as much about apologies as it is paying you all tribute. The reason my nerves all came to life? Because you're all very special people. You are so good, so friendly, so warm that I actually felt fully comfortable mixing in with people. Unhealthy as it may sound, I LIVED for the AIM chats we'd have. They were the highlight of my life. You guys were so funny, fun, intelligent, open minded, understanding. Not only that, but you welcomed me, you were so refreshingly non-judgemental. Just good people treating all comers with the same openness as anyone else.
And yet...some of you had low self esteem. You had the crazy idea that you were less than desireable company. My own compulsive want to stomp out low self esteem in others not withstanding, I felt this outrageous notion that any of you felt you were less than great was something I could help with. I thought that perhaps if someone had made such an effort with me when I was younger, things might have been better. Because if we were all the same age and I'd known you all in school, it would have been a proverbial godsend. That is why I was such a nagging motherly type, though I'm sorry I overdid it at times. I know it has been awkward for some when I say that I love you, but after 20 years of limbo, I feel life is too short not to just say these things when you can.
The point is this:
You changed my life. You changed ME. I owe as much to you as the guy in my LJ posticon. Right now, I'm arguably a 'normal' human being. This is because of you. You set me in the right direction, even if you didn't know it at the time.
I may fail hard at managing life and keeping in touch right now, but none of you have ever left my mind or heart. Even if we go for a year without an exchanged word, were something to happen to any of you, I would still cry, the world would still feel so much emptier for me. That hurt would be a lifelong ache.
I love you guys. You are amazing. Thank you.
Some of you I've been able to call semi-regularly, others I've barely talked to once or twice in the past couple of years. Yes, we all have lives that keep us busy now - work, college, relationships, etc. However, I was lying awake last night thinking about this, and felt the need to give you all a message.
I know we've had some rough times paired with the great times, I know I'm really bad at keeping in regular contact. I know I've said this in the past and it sounds corny, but - you did change my life.
I was such a weird, messed up kid who grew into a weird, messed up young adult. This was partly due to my treatment by others, but not 100% like I used to believe. I overreacted, and so I likely cost myself several chances at a decent friendship by being so damned withdrawn and stoic. Someone would have had to possess quite the special personality to lure me out of the lonely, self imposed corner.
That's where you guys came in. I went from stoic to way overemotional when I met you guys...I'm really sorry that I put you through that. This is an exaggeration, but it's comparable to an android suddenly having emotions. I went from grey to being flooded with colors, and I was ill equipped to handle it. I went through a large portion of the adolescent learning curve during the first few years of my twenties. I look back and understand why this happened, but I still feel like a bonehead for the ways I overreacted to alot of things. It's taken time for these things to even out.
However, this isn't as much about apologies as it is paying you all tribute. The reason my nerves all came to life? Because you're all very special people. You are so good, so friendly, so warm that I actually felt fully comfortable mixing in with people. Unhealthy as it may sound, I LIVED for the AIM chats we'd have. They were the highlight of my life. You guys were so funny, fun, intelligent, open minded, understanding. Not only that, but you welcomed me, you were so refreshingly non-judgemental. Just good people treating all comers with the same openness as anyone else.
And yet...some of you had low self esteem. You had the crazy idea that you were less than desireable company. My own compulsive want to stomp out low self esteem in others not withstanding, I felt this outrageous notion that any of you felt you were less than great was something I could help with. I thought that perhaps if someone had made such an effort with me when I was younger, things might have been better. Because if we were all the same age and I'd known you all in school, it would have been a proverbial godsend. That is why I was such a nagging motherly type, though I'm sorry I overdid it at times. I know it has been awkward for some when I say that I love you, but after 20 years of limbo, I feel life is too short not to just say these things when you can.
The point is this:
You changed my life. You changed ME. I owe as much to you as the guy in my LJ posticon. Right now, I'm arguably a 'normal' human being. This is because of you. You set me in the right direction, even if you didn't know it at the time.
I may fail hard at managing life and keeping in touch right now, but none of you have ever left my mind or heart. Even if we go for a year without an exchanged word, were something to happen to any of you, I would still cry, the world would still feel so much emptier for me. That hurt would be a lifelong ache.
I love you guys. You are amazing. Thank you.