Old school..
I don't post blogs that much lately... I suppose because before the word "blog" was ever created, I was arrested for my pre-blog era rants... for conspiracy to commit a Columbine-esque school shooting... though it was merely my teenage angst outlet which I did to vent in order to prevent such an ordeal.. funny how things work out..
I was going to write something new... but looking at my previously mentioned blogs... wow.. For the most part, I'm impressed by myself... these were harsh times, but I had so much to write about, then... they may warrant repeating here... and perhaps I'll comment on them...
So here we go... I'm going to post the entire blog that got me arrested and almost sent to a mental institute when I was in high school. Prepare for crazy..
Oh yeah.. and they go from most recent... being somewhere in 2002... to earliest... which I think was sometime in the late 90's...
Tuesday, July 30th, 2002: If somehow... the entirety of the human race just knew the truth about everything. As in, what really happens when we die, where did we come from, if there's a God, if not, what our destiny is... etc.. Would we believe it? Some people hold on to their beleifs so tightly, if the truth were suddenly revealed somehow, would people even believe it? Even if they knew it was the truth and they believed differently? I have my own unique pseudo-beliefs that basically originated from my own thoughts and insights into spirituality. And I hold them very true to me. And I am very offended when people dismiss my thoughts as bullshit and start spouting off to me about how God will forgive me even though I don't believe in him in that sense... lets say Christianity is right. It is somehow confirmed. First off, I'm going to hell for sure, heh. If that was somehow confirmed correct, with all the inner animosity I hold toward Christianity, (not due to the religion itself, just those who practice it and confirm it's hypocrisy), I don't think there's anyway I could convert and believe in it. And if my crazy beliefs were somehow correct, could the average church going Christian or the orthodox Jew throw their beliefs away for my theories of higher planes of being? And blah blah.
This thought just came to me. I think... everyone is right. There has to be a reason for all of us having such a variety of beliefs. Variety. If everyone thinked alike, it would make everything too simple. Sure it leads to fighting and whatnot, but part of having beliefs that are true in your heart, is accepting different beliefs that others have. Living with it, dealing with it peacefully, and respecting it. Like I stated before, I have an inner animosity toward Christianity, yet one of my best friends is Catholic. She occasionally speaks her beliefs to me, and I'm always yammering on about my thoughts, and we've never gotten in an arguement or had a fight. Speaking of which, I miss her. Why must you be on vacation!! =P!!
By the way... Much props to Otep. For all you metalheads out there who don't know, check'em out. The revolution is coming...
Tuesday, July 9th, 2002: I was thinking the other day about evolution again. My insane theories... I was wondering how the different races developed if we all derived from apes. Well.. there are different kinds of apes, I guess. Maybe one kind turned into white boys, other kind into brutha's, another into asians. Don't know. I had a quick theory, although thinking about it, it is kind of judgemental. Each race could be in a different stage of evolution. Not labeling any race as stupid here. But some races are more physical and spiritual, and others are more psychological and technological. Because, even though humans derived from apes... apes still do exist. When the next evolution takes place, will they rule over the humans who didn't evolve? All the human rights taken away from this more advanced, evolved race? Who knows!? Just a quick thought, maybe this advanced race really does exist, we just aren't aware of them. Or maybe we aren't willing to see them, since we are so stuck on ourselves being the supreme rulers of this dirtball. What constitutes life in this sea of darkness called the universe? I think the essence of life... the "Chi".. the energy of being.. or God, if you prefer, exists within everything. From plants, animals, humans, the earth, the universe, and even the dust and particles within space and time. Certain situations may fluctuate this energy to flow more fluently, which develops into the definition of life that we know: plants, animals, and humans. We die, and our essence returns to the universe. Like taking a bucket of water out of the ocean, and putting it back in.
What pisses me off... is that we seem to be evolving towards the technological. We are making everything easier for ourselves. When technology will run everything, what will be the point of living? Making sure the technology stays running? Not too meaningful. We are plotting the path to our own demise. No one will have to work for anything, soon. One of the biggest payoffs to living is all the benefits of working hard to acheive your goals. When no work is involved, and you can just take your goals, where is the satisfaction? Like premature ejaculations, it feels good for a moment, but overall is just sick, sad, and pathetic. And it feels better to have much foreplay and effort involved in evoking said orgasm. Then you can have a good cigarette, take a nap, and try for a better round when you wake up. If you're lucky. Perverted metaphor aside... I'm fucking tired. Good night, all.
Tuesday, June 25th, 2002: Still clean. I'm very tempted, though. At least I'm proud of myself for staying clean this long. I haven't gone this long since I first touched drugs.
But, fuck drugs. I don't need to be thinking about them now. I feel different.. I miss Serena and Seri.. they were so cool, intelligent, and AWESOME peoples.. Wish I could hear from them.. just hope at least they are doing well..
Thursday, May 23rd, 2002: I have done it! I've quit drugs. Or really trying to, anyway. And you know what.. the world is a very boring place when you're sober. I miss being high every night, watching Cartoon Network. Or getting wired in the morning, and just driving around listening to music all day and night, never sleeping. I keep searching the world over for other means to amuse myself. Videogames help somewhat, but the novelty wears off after awhile. Plus they just get me thinking of when I was high and playing them, how much cooler they were. The urges are hard to resist. As the song goes, "There's no use to fight this wretched tourniquet of deprivation. Obedience, subserviance, leads to substance." Being sober now makes me a lot stranger too. And more tired. Got 12 hours of sleep last night, and am very tired. Oh well. All work and no play makes me a very dull boy. My mind is shutting itself down, so later.
Thursday, May 9th, 2002: Greetings to all my (zero) readers. Thoughts of others long past are haunting my neural pathways this very early morning. Not the deceased. Just the people you used to know that just kind of disappeared. And you sit around and just wonder what the fuck ever happened to them. I understand at one point or another in our lives, we have to move on from the people we know to acheive higher greatness for ourselves. But in this age, they could at least just keep in touch! I thought that's what the internet was created for, rather than the exchange of pornography and infringement of copyright laws. But I'd just like to take a moment, to remember those who have ventured out of my life, yet continue to lurk within my memory. The following persons' names have been changed (somewhat), so they can claim they don't know me.
The Clit: No, not the female stimulation organ, the man once known, still known, as the clit. Probably originated from his saying "Lol, in the clit." A past internet brother to me. Man of great potential. Suddenly disappears. Rumored to be living in the garbage can of his girlfriend. Always a very intelligent individual and enlightening to talk to. Also hilarious and creator of some of the greatest chatroom hijinks of all time. He will be missed.
Seri: Friend I once had a very long time ago. Was always fun to talk to, and always seemed to make me laugh with her unique sense of humor. One day, just disappeared. Granted, I think it was because I was being a dick to her. Hell I probably deserved it. I always gave her shit, but I regret never letting her know how much I actually appreciated her. Live well, and keep kicking ass!
Kali: One of the best internet friends I had. I'm not really sure where this all went wrong. My guess is from my everlasting depressiveness. She thought I just wanted her to feel sorry for me. I just really wanted a friend to talk to. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. I feel enough sorrow for myself to go around. A very highly intelligent and humorous person I always had to much fun talking to and hanging out with. Why else would I always stay up until 5 in the morning each night just so I could talk to her? Whatever I did to destroy our awesome friendship, I'm sure I'll always be sorry for. But as the saying goes, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I'm sure someday, she'll probably take over the world. I just hope I'm spared, hehe.
Well, that's all for now. I'm too tired to keep going on. Maybe later. If any of you people listed above happen to read this, (yeah right), you are more than welcome to drop me an email. Addy's on the index. Until next time, remember, don't eat a candy bar while shitting... it's bad luck.
Saturday, April 13th, 2002: Don't really have much to bitch about. Work work work. Work sucks. All work and no play makes me a very dull boy. Solitude wrecks havoc on my frail mind. I'm going insane sitting here by myself. But oh well. Whatever. I don't really know. I'm too fucked up, lol. And off to get even more so. Later, bastards.
Tuesday, February 5th, 2002: I apologize for no Fistmas or New Years greetings, you cocksmokers. I was too busy going nowhere. Ahh, fuck. The old ravings. I love these things. Every once in awhile I'll read through these, just to recap what my thoughts were back when. It usually just gets me pretty pissed off.
The past has a funny way of repeating itself. And I have a funny way of falling victim to my own self-doubts and insecurities. Well, considering I always fail at 99.9% of everything major I try to accomplish in my life... I see why. I really wouldn't have it any other way, though. I've grown so accustomed to this feeling of worthlessness, if it were to be taken away, I wouldn't be myself anymore. Some people believe my success would be more tangible if I were to dissuade my constant melancholy. Fuck you. Being such a "Poop Loser" as I like to call myself, is what inspires me. If I were happy, what have I? I'd be one of those annoying giggly fuckers that I'd like to beat into a blood pool on the concrete. I mean, I'd like to be happy, but I don't think it's ever possible. One can be content. But never truly happy. If you succeed in one goal, it spawns more dillema. The human race is never content. Look at animals. Mate. Feed. Kill. Repeat. That's how they live. It's the basis of our primordial instincts. They don't have this great fucking "divine intellect" or whatever the fuck we humans have. True happiness only seems available upon death. Even then, who knows. Maybe not. No one knows for sure. Life is a fucking endurance trial. Maybe someday the human race will be able to survive. At this rate, we seem to be heading toward extinction. People get too carried away over beliefs, which is why I fucking ABHOR religion. Think what you think... Not what the masses think. Because it is proven time and time again, that the mass at large, is a bunch of fucking morons. Fuck what's beyond. We'll find out when we get there. Til then, is it too much to fucking live in peace with your fellow man? Fuck materialism. Social status bias which depends upon material possession and wealth. All the money and power in the world means nothing upon what lies within your heart. Fuckers. Territorialism? Fuck you. Mi casa es su casa. Everyone in the world should be your brother or sister, in a manner of speaking. We all are, after all, only human. If we continue on like this, we are only plotting our path toward extinction. I do believe in evolution. As in, we derived from apes. The human race isn't the last fucking form of this development. Who knows what life may become eventually. Could we achieve psychic powers? Telekinesis? In any case, the further we evolve, the closer we are to the ultimate. What is the ultimate? I don't know. HOPEFULLY we'll find out. But at the moment it seems pretty slight. Obviously, this will never happen in our lifetime, but each step, is one step closer. All we can do is attempt to better the world for future generations upon infinia.
How the hell did I get to this? I dont' fucking know. I don't remember what I started this raving bitching about. Oh well, I'm off to get fucked up. Escape all my troubles, just for the moment. The true American way, eh? I'll end with a quote... from Nine Inch Nails, "What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. You could have it all... my empire of dirt. I will let you down... I will make you hurt."
Saturday, September 15th, 2001: Ever since Tuesday... There has been an ominous presence in the air. Obviously, something has happened. But there is still a strange feeling. A premonition. I feel as if I'm not living in the same world. Or maybe I should just lay off the drugs. But seriously. Something's odd. I don't know what I'm talking about. I have plenty of beer just waiting for me, so I'm gonna go.
Sunday, July 8, 2001: I'm a bit wasted, so mind me here. But I have somethign I"ve been wanting to rant about for awhile, but never got around to it. Ever since I was a fucking kid, I"ve been a fan of heavy metal. And heavy metal is always collaborated with the devil, so whenever I wear a metal shirt, people think I'm a Christian hating, devil worshipping asshole who wants everyone to die. Well... you're half right. I want everyone to die (the stupid people anyway). But.. where was I? Oh yeah. Allow me to explain the significance of Satan in association with heavy metal music. I've always been a metal freak, but it wasn't until I went to Ozzfest that I truly understood why I love this music so. You listen to the lyrics and see the image, and you are quick to judge. You think it's about hate, rape, murder, etc, etc. It's fucking about love. Allow me to explain. In a small town full of metal freaks for Ozzfest, of course everyone's drunk and having a good time. EVERYONE was willing to help a virgin Ozzfester figure out WTF to do. Everyone is there to just help one another. Support each other. We are all misjudged by society. We all come together to get all the frustration out, and help each other do so. The reason for mosh pits. It's to get out the anger. And if someone falls down, you help him/her up. It usually looks like a big fight, but we are all helping each other, in a way. And the association with Satan and heavy metal? Well. Satan doesn't represent sacrifice, blood drinking, etc, to us. People are too quick to judge. What Satan represents is indulgence. We don't want to be close minded. We want to live. Life sucks. We have to live it, you know? We "rebel" from very fucking old ways, just to have a good time. And doing so, we are considered sinners. But we are just living our life to the fullest. Life should be about doing what you set your heart on. Not what other people tell you to. If you want to be a model, singer, band member, actor, whatever, then fucking go for it. If someone tries to hold you back, flip them off, and tell them to go to fucking hell. Damn it. I'm sick of people wasting their life over false causes. DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!! No matter what it is. Life is too short to fuck around. If you just want to sit on your ass and smoke weed all day, do it. If you want to start a business, FUCKING DO IT!! Dammit. Follow your heart. Now I'm going to play Final Fantasy IX. THE GREATEST GAME EVER!! Later. Fuckers.
Wednesday, June 13, 2001: I'm suprised I haven't released my joy over the end of the idiocy and hypocrisy that is high school. Well, done with the bullshit. I never did a damn shooting did I, all you fucking stupid assholes who thought I would!? I'd like to express all of my utter hatred to all of the stupid assholes and motherfuckers who pissed me off during my years of school. But also a thanks to the people who were actually nice to me and treated me as human. There were a few..
In other news, I may have regained someone who was/is very dear to me. On the other hand, I may be losing someone else. Someone who needs a reality check. Blinded by delusions their whole life, someone who could amount to great things, wasting their life away on meaningless bullshit. They were unwilling to listen to the advisements of 3 very close friends, if not more. I hope you suffer the fucking price.
Tuesday, June 12, 2001: It's amazing how close one can get to losing sanity. I must seem to have a sign on my back that says "insert knife here". It's funny to think of how all these worthless beings seem to think they are all so much better than you, isn't it? I don't see what makes anyone fucking better than anyone else. Fuck. The angst is so high in me I can't even concentrate to type. I'm fucking sick of the cynical fuckers. The materialistic cunts. The atavistic, holier-than-thou bitches. I'm sick of being called names because someone thinks it's funny. Sick of my future being in jeopardy because some people change their fucking minds every second about what they want to do. I'm sick of people bitching out on me. Sick of doing shitty favors for fuckers who are just sucking on my conscience like a fucking vampire. People telling me how nice of a friend I am, then leaving to go play some gay ass games that are actually more important to them than I am. Sick of the fucking cunt who decided to backstab me because my depressive nature was too much of a burden on her conscience. People want me to do this, but won't go with me to Ozzfest when I'm paying for the ticket and the fucking trip. Sick of the bitch who has a different friend to use every month for her selfish fucking needs. Who will be the lucky fucker next month!? Humanity is fucking sickening. About the only person who hasn't pissed me off is my Fistian Brother, Bryan. May the rest of you get impaled right up your fucking asses with a red hot poker. You will all get yours some time.
Tuesday, June 5, 2001: First off, FUCKING OZZFEST, MOTHERFUCKERS!! I'M GOING TO FUCKING OZZFEST!! FUCK YOU!! Ok, now that I got that out of the way. I must say... not much. I don't feel like ranting, I'm too hyped. Not only do I see all the greats at this years Ozzfest, I will also go to a Slayer/Pantera concert in July and a Rammstein concert late July. Fuck. My computer is raping me with BSOD's so that will shortly end this worthless raving.
Friday, June 1, 2001: It really pisses me off how people fucking waste their damn miserable lives away. Working their nine to five jobs, to come home, sit on their ass, and be worthless to the world. But I can't totally blame them, because it's what our society and corporate America wants us to be. We're all slaves to the man. Just fucking call me "Kunta" and cut off half of my foot while you're at it. We are what society wants us to be. If anyone tries to stand out or be original, they are judged for it. Persecuted for the will to be more than a mere marionette be yanked around by corporate executives that shove dildos up their ass in their freetime. In my ideal world, everyone does what they want to do in their heart. Not what they're forced to do, because their ideal endeavors are struck down. And everyone looks up to one another. No one is judged on appearance, but on personality. But I guess that's only a dream world. Oh, by the way, Cake is a bitch.
Monday, March 5, 2001: It is only when we have lost absolutely everything, that we are free to do anything. I remember in grade school, when computer technology was booming. They told us that we were the future leaders of the world. How this technology would take us to a new era in the age of man. I've been working with computers for years. Since about third grade, I've been a computer whiz. It hasn't gotten me shit. Instead, I work all night at a fast food joint, making food for lazy bastards whom are too lazy to make their own damn food. There are so many others like me. We work shit jobs we hate, so we can buy shit that we don't need. Our society forces shit down our throat, and makes us pay for the gesture. We must have this, we must have that. Status based on material possessions. If we don't have the fastest computer, the loudest car system, the newest game console, the satelite dish with 500 channels, the baggiest pants, the coolest brand names... then you are not complete. You are not accepted. You are a reject. Like a faulty object on an assembly line. You will always be the reject unless you pass the standards. I say take pride in being a reject. The things you own end up owning you. Fuck material possessions. Fuck the latest brand name. Fuck it all. I say let the chips fall where they may. Just let go. If people will not accept you for who you are, then fuck them. They are not worth it. Try letting go of everything. DOn't care about your car, your cool clothes, your CD's, your system's, or anything. When you have nothing, you find what really matters. These things are material objects shoved in our face by white collar slave-drivers who use us "future leaders" to help push their products onto everyone. You only realize how much you have, only when you have nothing left.
Saturday, Ferbruary 17, 2001: I know i misplelled it because i am wasted woohoo hahahaha. Fuck you all. I'm going smoke an cig and sleep. Peace out muthafuckas. I Love all you hot ladies. Later.
Monday, February 12, 2001: I'm sick of fucking school. I can't wait for it to end. So close, yet so far. It shall come to an end soon. Oh yes. I must persevere! I can! I must! I will! I will go INSANE!! Especially if I get my open hour taken away. The only good thing I have in school. Then I will go nuts. Buh! I'm going to makes random death rants that are mindless and have no point but to make me feel better. God damn worthless fucker. Go to hell. I'm sick of this shit. Fuck all of you. I will kill you all, you insignificant piles of shit. Then when i am done, I will have a cigarette and go to sleep. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! FUCK FUCK SHIT CUNT DICK SHIT! Ok. I feel sort of better. DIE!! Muh.. KILL!! Hate. I hate. Do die. Please yes. No. What? Ok. This was never my world. You took my angel away. I kill myself to make everybody pay...
Friday, February 9, 2001: Happy late New Years, assholes. I hate. The more and more close it gets to being graduation, the slower time goes, and the more I wish I were free of the fascist grip of public school. Public school is the epitome of atavistic, pompous, idiotic motherfuckers. Well, mainly underclassmen. My class and the junior class don't bother me, and I'm pretty down if they are. But underclassment who stand in halls and get in the way should have their nuts slammed in the locker.
I don't feel like ranting about the usual dark remnants of my psyche. I'm just tired and feel like getting wasted. Tired. That's what I'll talk about. I'll reiterate what I've stated on several occasions, lack of sleep leads to insanity. When I work until midnight, and can't fall asleep until at least 2AM. That isn't a whole lot of sleep. I wake up and just want to die. I hardly have enough energy in my body to pump my heart. The other morning I had my usual morning cig when I was so fucking tired. My heart about beat out of my chest, I thought I was having a heart attack or something. I felt like I had snorted too much cocaine. But my whole point of being tired is, I have too much to do, and not near enough time to do it. Even sleep is a latter priority. It won't even help after I get out of school, because immediately, I probably will be traveling around visiting net friends and going to Ozzfest. I'm too tired to even get wasted. Buh! I guess I'll save it for tomorrow. Fuck you all. I hate.
Oh yeh. I have something to bitch about. I feel like I have no one. All good friends here are working constantly, or have moved away. (I typically have older friends, because they aren't immature assholes). All my net friends are either never around or have backstabbed me. Or are too busy with WOMEN PROBLEMS!! *coughcoughcakecoughcough*. Bastards.
Wednesday, December 27, 2000: Merry godamn motherfucking, eat shit-and-die Fistmas, motherfuckers!! I'm on a new PC, and for some reason, my Angelfire account went from 5mb max to 50. Makes me happy because I can add more stuff to piss people off. I may be working on making some Flash material. If I can get ahold of a version of Flash.
I know you all don't read this to hear about my PC, my aspiration, etc. You just want to hear me rant like an idiot. Well, that's what I am, a motherfucking idiot, check it out. I'm not pissed off about a whole lot, for once. No one has really given me shit. I got my future planned out. Love has sort of died in me. I had it good and killed, but it is swelling up again and pissing me off. Hey, now am pissed. Ok. I think I have this love thing conquered. Or at least dormant. Falling in love the way I want to, at this age is fucking impossible. Teenage..and just young girls in particular aren't out for commitment. If they are, they must be fat, stupid, retarded, or never been fucked. Or all of the above. Most are out for fun. They want to have fun, and don't want a permanent commitment to a guy. They want to float around and experiment with different guys. They don't settle down until they get married, or pregnant. Either of which, I hope I will never cause. But, I figure, I'll work on my goals and fuck love until then. But no, one fucking thing triggers it, and like all the suicidal attempts, drug habits, and self-mutilation caused by it was just a bad acid trip, it pops up again. Mmm... acid.. Anyway. Like I was saying. LOVE SUCKS. "You take this love. Scar. Love. Fist. Love. Break. You take this love. Thing. Love. Child. Love. Toy. You take this love. Love. Love. You take this love. Love. Love. You take this love." ~ Pantera.
Saturday, November 11, 2000: Been slacking off on my rants. I have a couple things to rant about. First off, fuck you all for giving me shit about my trenchcoat. If you think I'm going to do a school shooting, don't you think patronizing me will further lead me to do it? Stupid worthless fuckers. I about introduced your face to my fist over and over. You think you could beat me down, perhaps. I'm a scrawny fucker, but I enjoy pain and don't go down to easily. And I know how to inflict pain very well, due to practice on myself. Fuck off and die and keep your stupid fucking dumbass comments to yourself or I will snap your fucking neck.
Secondly. In past rants I've spoken about killing all emotion in me. I believe I have conquered that goal. I seem to give a shit less about anyone. No matter what mood I'm in. I have no problem being a dick to people who care. I have cut off most ties to people I cared about in the past. People that at one time were the only reason that kept me from killing myself. Without that stopping me now, nothing's in my way. I have become what I've been wishing to be for over a year. And I'm not sure if I really like it or not. But the thing is, I think about it and just don't care. Makes me out to be a dick, is what it does, but in my experience, that's the only way you can get anywhere. I've been a nice guy. I've been a great fucking nice guy. Through all this shit. It has got me absolutely nothing. It didn't get me love. Didn't get me friends. No one seems to care no matter how nice you are. They may say "You're so sweet", "You're so nice", but that's fucking it. Being like this will probably get me nothing as well. BUT I COULD CARE LESS! HA HA HA! Fuck all of you. Fuck ALL OF YOU!!!
Saturday, September 23, 2000: I succeed. Not in finding love, but in killing it. Mainly.. well because of failure. Which is no surprise for me. And lately I'm too busy to care about anything. I feel like I have no feeling at all. I'm so worn from 5 days of school, and 5 days of work. So tired...
Wednesday, August 16, 2000: Why the fuck do I feel so worthless? I resort to alcohol to hide my problems instead of just facing them. I guess I am worthless then. No one could love a worthless piece of shit like me, I should come to senses with that, but there's a part of me that still searches for it. I wish it would die. It would feel great to have love, but it will never happen. I get a spark of hope, then an explosion of failure. I should know better. I'll just have to better teach myself to be prepared for failure. Everyday failure. My life is a failure. It'll probably turn out to be that way. Point is.. I should forgot about what will never be.
Sunday, August 13, 2000: I hate the feeling of love, because all it leads to is depression. Utter worthlessness. Shoot myself to love you. If I loved myself, I'd be shooting you. It's not real. Is anything real? Nothing's fucking real. Not in this state of mind. I despise seeing people in love, yet there is a part of me that yearns for it. I try my hardest to kill it, but it always comes out. There is no killing it. I fail so miserably at it, all it leads to is depression, thus more hate. Total worthlessness. I wonder.. what would I want more.. Someone to love, hold, share my life with. Or the feeling to be completely dead. Living a free life with no worry of it.. Who knows. People should die. I should die. I should go to sleep. Die.
Friday, August 11, 2000: I keep listening to Nine Inch Nails.. Pretty Hate Machine. It's depressing the hell out of me, yet I can't stop listening to it. I enjoy the feeling of worthlessness. Why do I enjoy feeling like scum? I can't describe it. The world constantly insists of fisting me in the ass. Corruption in the workplace. The start of school soon. My mind enjoys fucking with me. Love betrays me as usual. It's why I hate. People think I'm negative. Love betrays me. It always has. Hate's always been there for me. I mean, I care for people. But I'm fueled by hatred. Then again.. what am I talking about? Why the fuck am I rambling on like this on the fucking net? Fuck off. Die. Fuck all of you.
Monday, July 31, 2000: I hate you all.
Thursday, July 27, 2000: Fuck you and your beliefs. I don't give a fuck what you believe. You want me to share your beliefs? You fucking insult my beliefs, and expect me to drop everything I believe in to cross over to your fucking beliefs I hate. You spewing your bullshit out your filthy fucking mouth makes me hate it even more. I won't judge you or your beliefs as long as you leave me alone. But if you even start to give me shit, I will fucking rip into you and your shit unmercilessly. I will fucking pull my knife out and stab it into your fucking throat so you can't fucking talk your shit to me anymore. I will fucking kill you. Fuck off and die.
Thursday, July 13, 2000: I hate. It's just that fucking simple. I'm starting to get bored and sick of life. I know, "Well get off your ass, and do something!". Problem is, I fucking can't! What can I do? I have to go through another year of shit school. Wait until I'm 18 to move out. Figure out what the fuck I'm going to do. Everyday.. even in summer, my life is mainly dull. I get up around 3 pm, give or take a couple hours. Go to work until around 12 or 1 AM, and make fucker's their food all night. Come home. Talk to friends on PC all night/morning. Maybe find something to do in room, and go to sleep around 6 AM, once again, give or take. Dull, repeating life. It's not what I fucking want. I've had a very strong urge to be in a band for the past couple years. Since, I've bought a guitar and written many musical and lyrical pieces. It's what I want to do with life. I don't care if I don't become a big mainstream band. I'd rather I'd not, actually. I've always wanted to be in a band, but the feeling was even more multiplied by seeing Mudvayne, Hatebreed, and Slipknot. I'd kill to do that. Total hate band. Hate. I hate you. I hope you die. Die slowly. Feel much pain. Fucking die. I fucking hate you. Die. You are a total fucking worthless piece of fucking shit that has no place. You are a fucking waste of space and matter, and deserve to die. I hate.
Friday, June 16, 2000: Not a damn thing really to rant about. I'm not all enraged or depressed. Just hungry and cooking macaroni. It's very peaceful with no parents. I'm at a very tranquil state of mind. Ahh... only two more days to enjoy it though. It should be mandatory for parents to leave for one week every month to keep their kids from going insane. Oh well, only one more year and I'm gone from this house, town, and state. I can't wait. Slipknot concert on July 7th. Rescheduled one from May 19th when the postponed. Got to get down to Ernie's one of these days for tix and get someone to go with. I have someone in mind i'll ask tomorrow.... er..... today. Can't rave no more, macaroni's getting cold.. mm... macaroni.... the meal of Fistians.
Monday, June 12, 2000: Damn. No time to keep up my insanity reports. I must say. Near brink today. Nothing I fucking hate more than a busy night at work. Literally drives me insane. To the point where I'm staring into space laughing at nothing and talking to myself. Got pissed at work and went to car during break and tried releasing stress by punching myself in the head repeatedly, which was a dumbass move and resulted in a headache and welted skull. So instead take out my angst on the cardboard. Die. Die. Die. Hate. Hate and love have much in common. You can't truly hate someone unless you've loved them. Sure you can say "I hate blah blah". But if someone you loved crosses you, you'll feel a true hate like you've never felt before. There's usually a balance. For someone or something you love, there's usually someone or something you hate just as bad. What happens when the scale tips too far one way or the other? In the case of hate, you become a lonely, depressed, suicidal, homocidal person on the brink of insanity at any moment. In the case of love, it overclouds your judgement, makes you vulnerable to being hurt and being taken advantage of, which can lead the scale to tip to hate. I'm not too fond of either. I'm on the brink of something at the moment, not sure what it is though....
Wednesday, March 29th, 2000: Might as well start up the ol' ravings again. I have nothing on my mind to bitch about. No death threats today. No self mutilation stories or suicidal ramblings. I'm not drunk. Just bored. So why the hell am I writing this? Mere attempt to amuse myself somehow. So what have I been doing since the last time I was arrested for threatening comments on this very page? Well, working. School. Sleep. Not much sleep actually, I'm lacking like five months of it. Lack of sleep leads to INSANITY. I can believe it at times. I'm not quite there yet. I am guitarist and lyrical, with no band. Thus, I have no life to put one together. I'll try updating ravings more often now. This one sucks, but go fucking kill yourself if you don't like it. I'm going to sleep.
Thursday, November 11th, 1999: We live in the so called "Land of Freedom", America. I do, anyway. Most Americans are patriotic, so proud of their country. I'm sick of it. Everything's based on a fucking system. The law has to follow the system. And the system is fucked. I'll take drugs, which will be my big topic here. First of all, why illegal? I believe it should be just like alcohol and cigs, allowing an age to legally buy. An adult has the ability to make decisions on their own, right? If they chose to do drugs, that's their problem. They're not hurting anyone but themselves. Legalizing drugs, there could be tons of good things about it. First of all, less crime. It could just be a market. People not worrying about running from police for buying/doing it. The government could tax the hell out of it and probably pay off the national debt. Try using sense before systems. A drug dealer is just out to make a decent living. It's true that a drug dealer, when convicted, gets more years than a child molester. Now, in my mind, that's fucking wrong. A scientific study showed Cigarettes and Alcohol are more dangerous than Marijuana. At least if not legalize all drugs, legalize Marijuana. Makes laws for it like alcohol laws. No smokin' and drivin'. We should be free to make our own decisions what's right for ourselves, and not having our government "mommy" slap us on the hand and tell us something is wrong. America the beautiful? America the pitiful!
Sunday, October 31st, 1999: My life is none of your fucking business!! Go away!!
END!!
Ok, this is 2008 me talking now... Just reading through that myself.. Reflecting on that... I remember how miserable I was then... but damn... I miss that guy... Seriously.. I should start ranting again.
Thursday, June 12th, 2008: It's 9am, my day off.. I've decided to start ranting again.. Some say that 9am may be too early to starting drinking, but I say fuck off to you!! Once again, irony is fucking my ass with it's barbed-wire wrapped cock. Bitching about work so many years ago, and I'm once again back at the same fucking dead end job that makes me want to headbutt piles of broken glass. You know what.. life still fucking sucks.. probably worse than it did back then, I've just become so accustomed to it.. I kept wishing to become numb.. and be careful what you wish for.. And now I miss that guy who was so angry and pissed off, venting away on his website at 3am drunk or high... or tweaked... or tripping...
Being a kid isn't easy, but adulthood is just as retarded.. And damn, I haven't done shit with my life. So I guess I wasn't kidding years ago when I carved "Failure" into my arm with a switchblade. HAHA!! Emo!! Woah... I'm listening to Willie Nelson and he's on TV at the same time... Weird.. Anyway... uh... Yeah. I guess to bitch about besides work... lonliness? Which I enjoy, actually. If I'm not working, I'm sitting here by myself.. drinking and listening to music. Which is what I like, because I'm still SO sick of people. I keep it in a lot better now, but damn. There are days where I'm so riding the line of just fucking snapping. The sad thing is.. I'm not that worried about going back to jail.. I know it's going to happen again eventually.. but.. I actually got more sleep and ATE BETTER... yes... ATE BETTER in jail... than I do now.. That's about all it is... sleeping between meals... watch some TV.. play cards in the block... read books... in jail was the only place I had time to read a whole book in years.
Anywho... if I had a point, it's all gone now... so... keeping with tradition... I hate.. Fuck all of you.. Die... etc.