just_muse_me | 24.1.2. Bede Jarrett quote
24.1.2. "Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. If they speak, you break down." - Bede Jarrett
Co-written with agentsullivan & notskywalker
[Part of all HERE and HERE]
The discussions between Andrew and Ali's doctors had been lengthy and draining. It took awhile for them to come to a decision with the advice of her psychologist that she should be released home into Andrew's care, but she needed to stay on bed rest for a few days and continue a course of oral antibiotics until it's completion. A home nurse would also need to visit her every second day for a week to ensure she wasn't showing any signs of infection. The only reason Ali agreed was because it meant she didn't have to stay in that horrible place when nothing was wrong with her. All she wanted to do was go home and have Jamie brought back to her. It seemed like the best course of action. Keeping her there wasn't only compouding on her, but also Andrew and the rest of their family. Andrew was relieved to get home and have their baby daughter back in their care, even though he knew his Mum would take care of her, and for as long as they needed. She had been devastated herself to hear the news, but stayed strong for her son and daughter-in-law to be.
The only thing was, Ali wouldn't go to bed when she got home and kept insisting she was fine. Andrew was sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands, and Luke, who had driven them home from the hospital earlier sat in one of the armchairs with Jamie nursed in his arms while she chewed contentedly on a teething ring. She was only nine months old. She didn't know the saddness surrounding her, even if she had been restless since Mrs Connor brought her back to them. Ali had gone to change into some comfortable clothes, so Luke just watched Andrew in concern. "You should go to bed, mate, even if she won't," he suggested gently.
Andrew pushed his fingers through his hair as he lifted his head, and then hugged his arms around himself, leaning forward and resting them on his knees. "I'm fine," he said through a heavy sigh. He knew he didn't sound it or look it, but he was trying. "Ali needs to rest. She shouldn't have Jamie on her own yet. She shouldn't even be lifting her for too long periods of time."
"Let me take Jamie. Tab and I will watch her overnight. You and Ali can curl up in bed together, get some sleep..." Luke insisted gently, brushing his fingers affectionately over Jamie's soft hair. The little girl was freshly bathed by her Nana, smelling of baby powder and dressed in a little pink jumpsuit with teddy bears on it complete with lace ruffles around her feet. It maybe did make Luke the slightest bit clucky, but keen only to be an awesome babysitter and nothing more. He had come to adore Andrew's little girl and he was just as devastated with the miscarriage news.
"She doesn't want to. I'm not sure she actually even wants me to touch her," was all Andrew got out before he heard Ali coming up the hall again. He held his hand up briefly to Luke to indicate he should halt on his train of thought. He didn't want to get Ali angry or upset.
Luke was still looking at Andrew in disbelief when Ali came back to the livingroom. She went over to Andrew with a smile and gestured for him to get up. "Come on, sweetheart. You should open your birthday presents. You've got loads of them." It was true. Piles and piles of wrapped presents were sitting neatly in the corner of the room beside Jamie's bassinette. For obvious reasons, he hadn't gotten to opening any of them the night of the party... and he didn't even want to think about it now. But Ali was already going over to the presents. If it was going to be something she needed, he would play along and force the thankful smiles, no matter how exhausted he was. He managed to get his legs to work to follow her the short distance and then sat down on the carpet beside her, letting her pile some of the presents into his lap.
Luke watched the scene, a mix of worry and helplessness settling in his chest. If he wasn't nursing the baby, he would probably be biting his nails by now. Andrew looked like hell and clearly needed sleep, but Ali seemed... like normal. Seemed being the operative word. She was too normal. She had barely acknowledged the pregnancy or the miscarriage since it happened. She hadn't cried or grieved. She was just acting like it never happened, or like it was nothing more than a minor blip in the system. They couldn't have two more different reactions if they tried and Luke couldn't see how it was going to work. Andrew needed to offload, but instead of using someone else other than Ali as a sounding board, he had just shouldered it all.
Andrew started to open the presents lethargically. At least Ali was smiling. He fought not to just stop and grab her in a hug to let out all the pent up emotions in her arms. He just needed a shower and a coffee. He would be fine. He got through packages containing a fountain pen set, DVDs, gift vouchers, clothing, books until one gift made it feel like the whole apartment dropped out from underneath him. A nice little package of novelty baby items... a little jumpsuit with 'My Daddy's a paramedic' along with a little stuffed ambulance and a teddy bear dressed as a paramedic. Then came a maternity t-shirt for Ali with a picture of an ambulance on the belly declaring 'Paramedic offspring on board!'. Andrew just held the items in his hands, pressing his lips together tightly.
Ali froze, eyes on the gifts Andrew was holding. It couldn't be sure how long she stared at them before she just got up off the floor and walked out of the room without saying anything. She didn't look at Andrew, or even Luke and her daughter. She just walked out and their bedroom door could be heard closing a few moments later. Luke had no idea what he was supposed to do. He liked to think he was a pretty good cousin, but there was no fucking rulebook for something like this. How could anyone know how to deal with it? Jamie cooed in his arms and started to soft babble of 'Da da da...' again, reaching her little hand out in Andrew's direction.
The gifts got pushed back into the box, which was closed over abruptly. "I need you to do me a favour," Andrew said hoarsely, rising off the floor and coming over to Luke to scoop Jamie into his arms and press a soft kiss to her head. "I need you to take all these gifts and just... open them. Get rid of anything to do with babies or being a father. I don't care. There is other shit around here, too. Presents we've gotten. I need you to get rid of those, too. And I-I- need you to take Jamie for the night."
Luke nodded, getting up out of the chair. Whatever Andrew needed, he would be there to help, for however long it took. "Of course, mate. Anything." He rubbed Andrew's shoulder. "The psychologist said you guys needed to deal with it the best way you could, right, even if it's different ways?" he asked and cleared his throat. "So, Ali wants to try and get back to normal... What is your way, Andy?"
Andrew barely shrugged. He put Jamie into her buggy and strapped her in securely. "I just need to be alone. Jamie's bag is still packed. I'll help you take the stuff down to your car." He leaned over and kissed his daughter's forehead, nose and cheeks. "Daddy loves you, sweetie pie. You be good for Uncle Luke, okay?"
"I've got it, Andy. I'll just pack them all up into a big bag. If you need anything, you'll call me, right?" Luke asked, almost pleadingly.
Andrew pushed his hair back with a slight nod. "Yeah," he mumbled. He just wanted to be alone. He appreciated all the support everyone had given them, but those gifts had him hitting a brick wall. He didn't want to pretend anymore or put up anymore facades. After they shared a hug and Luke had everything packed up succinctly with the gifts all gone, Andrew saw them off at the door, giving Jamie some more kisses and giving Luke another grateful hug. It lingered, and he used what little strength his had left to just cling to his cousin for a few moments. Maybe he didn't really want to be alone, but he didn't want to talk about anything either.
He closed the apartment door and slumped against the back of it. He should go and check on Ali. He really should. But he couldn't take more being pushed away or trying to pretend he wasn't falling apart inside from the loss. He just needed something to give him the strength to stop crumbling around her. She didn't want to face it, said she didn't even want the baby. She hadn't reached for Andrew - not even his hand - once since he told her the baby had died. She didn't seem to need him, but couldn't she see that he needed her? He pushed off the door and felt his way back into the apartment. He just wanted that ache to go away. Not just the ache of losing a baby, but of seeing how distraught Ali had been when it was happening. And now that all-to-familiar ache of being alone in his grief...
It was just too much. Far too much with no time to deal with it.
The temptation had been resisted for so long. Not once since he recovered. But he needed it. He just needed a little bit. He was at the cabinet before he realised and the almost-full bottle of black label vodka from Ali's small selection of alcohol was gripped in his hand at the neck of the bottle. He stared of it for all of ten seconds before he abruptly unscrewed the cap and put it to his lips, swallowing the clear liquor down in a rushed gulp. His body nearly rejected it as it burned going down his throat and caused him to cough through a sob that escaped before he could stop it. But it was just that first sweet taste and swallow that hurt, and then, as he started to down the contents of the bottle like it was soda, it felt like it he was coming home.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 1,805
Co-written with agentsullivan & notskywalker
[Part of all HERE and HERE]
The discussions between Andrew and Ali's doctors had been lengthy and draining. It took awhile for them to come to a decision with the advice of her psychologist that she should be released home into Andrew's care, but she needed to stay on bed rest for a few days and continue a course of oral antibiotics until it's completion. A home nurse would also need to visit her every second day for a week to ensure she wasn't showing any signs of infection. The only reason Ali agreed was because it meant she didn't have to stay in that horrible place when nothing was wrong with her. All she wanted to do was go home and have Jamie brought back to her. It seemed like the best course of action. Keeping her there wasn't only compouding on her, but also Andrew and the rest of their family. Andrew was relieved to get home and have their baby daughter back in their care, even though he knew his Mum would take care of her, and for as long as they needed. She had been devastated herself to hear the news, but stayed strong for her son and daughter-in-law to be.
The only thing was, Ali wouldn't go to bed when she got home and kept insisting she was fine. Andrew was sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands, and Luke, who had driven them home from the hospital earlier sat in one of the armchairs with Jamie nursed in his arms while she chewed contentedly on a teething ring. She was only nine months old. She didn't know the saddness surrounding her, even if she had been restless since Mrs Connor brought her back to them. Ali had gone to change into some comfortable clothes, so Luke just watched Andrew in concern. "You should go to bed, mate, even if she won't," he suggested gently.
Andrew pushed his fingers through his hair as he lifted his head, and then hugged his arms around himself, leaning forward and resting them on his knees. "I'm fine," he said through a heavy sigh. He knew he didn't sound it or look it, but he was trying. "Ali needs to rest. She shouldn't have Jamie on her own yet. She shouldn't even be lifting her for too long periods of time."
"Let me take Jamie. Tab and I will watch her overnight. You and Ali can curl up in bed together, get some sleep..." Luke insisted gently, brushing his fingers affectionately over Jamie's soft hair. The little girl was freshly bathed by her Nana, smelling of baby powder and dressed in a little pink jumpsuit with teddy bears on it complete with lace ruffles around her feet. It maybe did make Luke the slightest bit clucky, but keen only to be an awesome babysitter and nothing more. He had come to adore Andrew's little girl and he was just as devastated with the miscarriage news.
"She doesn't want to. I'm not sure she actually even wants me to touch her," was all Andrew got out before he heard Ali coming up the hall again. He held his hand up briefly to Luke to indicate he should halt on his train of thought. He didn't want to get Ali angry or upset.
Luke was still looking at Andrew in disbelief when Ali came back to the livingroom. She went over to Andrew with a smile and gestured for him to get up. "Come on, sweetheart. You should open your birthday presents. You've got loads of them." It was true. Piles and piles of wrapped presents were sitting neatly in the corner of the room beside Jamie's bassinette. For obvious reasons, he hadn't gotten to opening any of them the night of the party... and he didn't even want to think about it now. But Ali was already going over to the presents. If it was going to be something she needed, he would play along and force the thankful smiles, no matter how exhausted he was. He managed to get his legs to work to follow her the short distance and then sat down on the carpet beside her, letting her pile some of the presents into his lap.
Luke watched the scene, a mix of worry and helplessness settling in his chest. If he wasn't nursing the baby, he would probably be biting his nails by now. Andrew looked like hell and clearly needed sleep, but Ali seemed... like normal. Seemed being the operative word. She was too normal. She had barely acknowledged the pregnancy or the miscarriage since it happened. She hadn't cried or grieved. She was just acting like it never happened, or like it was nothing more than a minor blip in the system. They couldn't have two more different reactions if they tried and Luke couldn't see how it was going to work. Andrew needed to offload, but instead of using someone else other than Ali as a sounding board, he had just shouldered it all.
Andrew started to open the presents lethargically. At least Ali was smiling. He fought not to just stop and grab her in a hug to let out all the pent up emotions in her arms. He just needed a shower and a coffee. He would be fine. He got through packages containing a fountain pen set, DVDs, gift vouchers, clothing, books until one gift made it feel like the whole apartment dropped out from underneath him. A nice little package of novelty baby items... a little jumpsuit with 'My Daddy's a paramedic' along with a little stuffed ambulance and a teddy bear dressed as a paramedic. Then came a maternity t-shirt for Ali with a picture of an ambulance on the belly declaring 'Paramedic offspring on board!'. Andrew just held the items in his hands, pressing his lips together tightly.
Ali froze, eyes on the gifts Andrew was holding. It couldn't be sure how long she stared at them before she just got up off the floor and walked out of the room without saying anything. She didn't look at Andrew, or even Luke and her daughter. She just walked out and their bedroom door could be heard closing a few moments later. Luke had no idea what he was supposed to do. He liked to think he was a pretty good cousin, but there was no fucking rulebook for something like this. How could anyone know how to deal with it? Jamie cooed in his arms and started to soft babble of 'Da da da...' again, reaching her little hand out in Andrew's direction.
The gifts got pushed back into the box, which was closed over abruptly. "I need you to do me a favour," Andrew said hoarsely, rising off the floor and coming over to Luke to scoop Jamie into his arms and press a soft kiss to her head. "I need you to take all these gifts and just... open them. Get rid of anything to do with babies or being a father. I don't care. There is other shit around here, too. Presents we've gotten. I need you to get rid of those, too. And I-I- need you to take Jamie for the night."
Luke nodded, getting up out of the chair. Whatever Andrew needed, he would be there to help, for however long it took. "Of course, mate. Anything." He rubbed Andrew's shoulder. "The psychologist said you guys needed to deal with it the best way you could, right, even if it's different ways?" he asked and cleared his throat. "So, Ali wants to try and get back to normal... What is your way, Andy?"
Andrew barely shrugged. He put Jamie into her buggy and strapped her in securely. "I just need to be alone. Jamie's bag is still packed. I'll help you take the stuff down to your car." He leaned over and kissed his daughter's forehead, nose and cheeks. "Daddy loves you, sweetie pie. You be good for Uncle Luke, okay?"
"I've got it, Andy. I'll just pack them all up into a big bag. If you need anything, you'll call me, right?" Luke asked, almost pleadingly.
Andrew pushed his hair back with a slight nod. "Yeah," he mumbled. He just wanted to be alone. He appreciated all the support everyone had given them, but those gifts had him hitting a brick wall. He didn't want to pretend anymore or put up anymore facades. After they shared a hug and Luke had everything packed up succinctly with the gifts all gone, Andrew saw them off at the door, giving Jamie some more kisses and giving Luke another grateful hug. It lingered, and he used what little strength his had left to just cling to his cousin for a few moments. Maybe he didn't really want to be alone, but he didn't want to talk about anything either.
He closed the apartment door and slumped against the back of it. He should go and check on Ali. He really should. But he couldn't take more being pushed away or trying to pretend he wasn't falling apart inside from the loss. He just needed something to give him the strength to stop crumbling around her. She didn't want to face it, said she didn't even want the baby. She hadn't reached for Andrew - not even his hand - once since he told her the baby had died. She didn't seem to need him, but couldn't she see that he needed her? He pushed off the door and felt his way back into the apartment. He just wanted that ache to go away. Not just the ache of losing a baby, but of seeing how distraught Ali had been when it was happening. And now that all-to-familiar ache of being alone in his grief...
It was just too much. Far too much with no time to deal with it.
The temptation had been resisted for so long. Not once since he recovered. But he needed it. He just needed a little bit. He was at the cabinet before he realised and the almost-full bottle of black label vodka from Ali's small selection of alcohol was gripped in his hand at the neck of the bottle. He stared of it for all of ten seconds before he abruptly unscrewed the cap and put it to his lips, swallowing the clear liquor down in a rushed gulp. His body nearly rejected it as it burned going down his throat and caused him to cough through a sob that escaped before he could stop it. But it was just that first sweet taste and swallow that hurt, and then, as he started to down the contents of the bottle like it was soda, it felt like it he was coming home.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 1,805