A year ago I'd been ghosted by the one I loved. It still hurts. I don't care to tell how much. I'd lost my job. My stepfather was dying of cancer. My family frayed.
And now, a year later, my heart still hurts for what is lost. My stepfather passed in January, right after Christmas. I was warring with myself last year over whether I should go down there or not for the holiday. I ended up not going. I've felt bad ever since. I moved to the city for a job. I thought I'd have more real-life social interaction with friends here. Then things have been different. I was trying to get settled into the new job, working days for the first time in years, and find time for friends. I thought I might even make some new ones. Then my mother visited. She made these repeat visits. Each time she stayed longer. The last time has turned into five months. I'm really not sure what to do. I've been here for eight months, and she's probably spent 6 of those here. It's bewildering. I know she's having a hard time with the loss of her husband, her life feeling unsettled, unhappy. Mine is also unsettled and unhappy. I need time and space to work through things.
In April, I lost one of my oldest and closest friends. I met Chris before anyone else on here. I met him before TBL or TIB. It was on the Dakota's Ridge message board with Angie and Meg and all the fun antics we had. Chris was going by Bishop, a name I took as a nod to X-Men. I can't remember if that's where he got it from. He was currently working on a custom PC business with a friend. I even remember the name. Times changed, and even then it wasn't very viable to try to build custom computers for a profit. So he worked on a golf course doing grounds keeping. As I recall, he picked up golf balls and mowed the grass for the most part.
I'm just reflecting. It was so long ago, yet it feels like it was not. I miss those days. Life had so much more hope. I felt like everything lie ahead of me. I'd been through a lot, but there was that hope. The belief in the future. A better day. Yes, Chris. Better day. ^.^ He'd get that joke!
I love him, and I miss him. Chris, best wishes wherever you are, my friend.
While on Facebook, for the first time in months, so I could get in touch with his family, I saw another friend from years back had passed at the end of 2021. That hit hard. She sent me a box full of cat-themed books so many years ago. We spoke on the phone back in those days. And LJ. AIM? I miss that. We'd spoken less over the years, but we never stopped being friends. Each time we got in touch, we'd catch up, and it felt like we'd never stopped talking. She had a real snow leopard spirit. Snowghost was her name. She's the one who coined the term "snowmeow." One which I use to this down, now in her honor.
I can't lose anymore. I'm dying inside. I try to grasp hold of friends, family. Love. Love ... is all loss. It's what I've most wanted for most of my life, yet seems unattainable. Each time I think I have found it, that someone truly loves me back, I'm hurt. Left behind. Musings.
And my best friend of over 20 years, CW, has gone silent. I try to reach out, but I get nothing back. I don't understand. After speaking with someone almost every day for 20 years, it's surreal not to have him in my life. Days. Life feels somehow incomplete. Like days aren't fully real without that. Without him. He was the closest friend. I don't, life goes on. Time passes. But understanding evades me.
I feel like I'm a burden on the friends I have now. Few of the older friends remain. Faded memories. I hear from some sometimes. It's rarer than I'd like. At least it happens? I've also been bad about it since moving here. With my mother occupying my life. I shy away from too many mediums of communication. I'm not on FB. I don't get on Discord. It gets to be too much. I can't keep up. I feel overwhelmed. OCD is impacted. I lose out on sleep. I really need to make this job work. I need rest. I feel at a loss. How do I hold onto what connections I have while maintaining life? Is this even life? It feels listless. Like I don't even know what I'm doing.
A weight on others. Yes. That's it. I weigh them down with my problems. Mood. Stress. Anxiety. I try not to. I don't mean for my presence to be like that. I only hope they understand. That they stay. Please don't stray, my friends. I care. You matter.
I've tried to move on from past pains. That love, that loss, hits so deeply. Stabs me to my core. I'm unsure how to proceed. It impacts every day. Even in trying to move on and find new love, to open myself up, I find I am hesitant. Afraid. I can't consciously will myself to trust. To believe. I'm afraid of being hurt. Sure. But there's something more. I can't put my paw on it.
My father is in assisted living. He lives far away. His situation isn't good. My sister and mother don't really talk. My other sister passed in January of 2014. So I've little family left. It seems stretched thin, frayed. Having my mother here just emphasizes this. Reminds me of what is missing, what is lost.
I feel tired. I feel afraid. I don't know what to do from here. Where to go. What do I want? Need? What will make me happy? How can I be? Will I ever be open to love again? Is that the most integral element? Perhaps it still is.
Career, or college? I don't rightly know. I am lost. I don't like this feeling. I have trouble sleeping. I just feel the spiral of fear and lack of direction, or understanding. I want to hold onto something. To believe in something.
I'm afraid. To strive. Believe. Trust. Pursue. Anything. Everything feels untenable. Is there anything? Is there anyone out there? What am I to do?