Astrophysics
I've been having a lot of thoughts lately. Reflecting. Here I'll try to summarize, or perhaps just expound. Either way, I hope they make sense. I suppose my words are mostly stream of consciousness. They spur from recent reflections, and also therapy last Friday.
I described it to my therapist, unraveling the inner workings of my mind, like a solar system with the planets orbiting around a sun of sadness or despair. I suppose it's more of an emptiness at the center then. Something of gravity, or sinking, where everything is held in orbit by that energy, perhaps more like a black hole than a star.
All the elements of life orbit. Some are things that need dealt with, held off, unable to be faced. Stressing me. Though knowing no way to deal with them. Feeling lost. The others are things of life, or living, itself. The trappings. The motions we go through. Daily. Or more exciting. Rarer instances. Breaking up the monotony. Hopeful even.
These distract. Somehow interact. The stress factors needing dealt with add to the sadness at the center. Seeming to feed off of and into it. The other things, even positives, don't negate the bad. The sadness at the center remains. This doesn't mean they have no value. On the contrary, they pull away from the sadness, keeping the solar system in balance. Keeping me from sinking entirely into the emptiness. Pulled by gravity. They can't tug me free of the sadness, for it is at the core of everything. Abiding. But they can keep me from being lost to it. A lifetime of experiences, that form darkness.
I don't know how to transform that black hole into a sun. To find happiness. Things of happiness seem ancillary elements. Orbiting. But nothing constant. Blips. Or sparks. Flaring into life, then gone again. Interrupting but not overcoming the emptiness. Some are bigger than others, almost lighting the solar system, outshining the darkness. Yet, the sadness is fed by the loss, built up over time. Snowballing. Growing. Adding to its gravity, while the orbiting energies are less and less able to counter it.
The elements of happiness are there. At the very least. They help. They keep the solar system from folding in on itself.
The planets of positivity maintain the balance. They are held onto. Sought out. Observed. Watched as some watch the stars. The stars are too far off. Stargazing is just seeing the lights in others' lives. Instead, I planet gaze. Grasping the beauty I can in my own chaotic solar system. Avoiding the dark. As best I can. Avoiding the dark.
The darkness is suffocating. And it threatens to absorb all. Is it any wonder I have trouble sleeping?
I feel like I'm going to be sick, a lot of the time. Just from the sadness. Afraid of this being all there is, reality, and continued loss. There only being less to hold on to. I see the new elements come into being, spark into life, and fear their loss before I even grasp them. Perhaps that's why I find it so difficult to believe. To feel what I have outweigh what I have lost.
Instead, despair. How do I fix the things I find missing? Do I meet the milestones I feel I've missed? Hold onto people? Friendships? Feel love true and lasting? Trust in it again? Trust in life working out? When so often I've tried so hard, with all my being, and it didn't work out. I am always afraid. My mind falters. I falter. I forget things.
This job requires my mind, my focus. Yet I forget so quickly. It is not my dream job, but it is a good job. Probably better than most I've had. I'm afraid I will mess it up. I'm always anxious, worried. Forgetting things. I can barely stay awake, which doesn't help.
How do I change things? How do I find a sense of security, not to feel afraid so much? To face what must be faced? To believe? Can I take chances in life? What would I even do? How can I feel fulfilled?
Am I holding on out of fear? What am I holding on to? What planets do I reach out to? Is hope real? Is it something I can even feel?
I'm so tired.
I described it to my therapist, unraveling the inner workings of my mind, like a solar system with the planets orbiting around a sun of sadness or despair. I suppose it's more of an emptiness at the center then. Something of gravity, or sinking, where everything is held in orbit by that energy, perhaps more like a black hole than a star.
All the elements of life orbit. Some are things that need dealt with, held off, unable to be faced. Stressing me. Though knowing no way to deal with them. Feeling lost. The others are things of life, or living, itself. The trappings. The motions we go through. Daily. Or more exciting. Rarer instances. Breaking up the monotony. Hopeful even.
These distract. Somehow interact. The stress factors needing dealt with add to the sadness at the center. Seeming to feed off of and into it. The other things, even positives, don't negate the bad. The sadness at the center remains. This doesn't mean they have no value. On the contrary, they pull away from the sadness, keeping the solar system in balance. Keeping me from sinking entirely into the emptiness. Pulled by gravity. They can't tug me free of the sadness, for it is at the core of everything. Abiding. But they can keep me from being lost to it. A lifetime of experiences, that form darkness.
I don't know how to transform that black hole into a sun. To find happiness. Things of happiness seem ancillary elements. Orbiting. But nothing constant. Blips. Or sparks. Flaring into life, then gone again. Interrupting but not overcoming the emptiness. Some are bigger than others, almost lighting the solar system, outshining the darkness. Yet, the sadness is fed by the loss, built up over time. Snowballing. Growing. Adding to its gravity, while the orbiting energies are less and less able to counter it.
The elements of happiness are there. At the very least. They help. They keep the solar system from folding in on itself.
The planets of positivity maintain the balance. They are held onto. Sought out. Observed. Watched as some watch the stars. The stars are too far off. Stargazing is just seeing the lights in others' lives. Instead, I planet gaze. Grasping the beauty I can in my own chaotic solar system. Avoiding the dark. As best I can. Avoiding the dark.
The darkness is suffocating. And it threatens to absorb all. Is it any wonder I have trouble sleeping?
I feel like I'm going to be sick, a lot of the time. Just from the sadness. Afraid of this being all there is, reality, and continued loss. There only being less to hold on to. I see the new elements come into being, spark into life, and fear their loss before I even grasp them. Perhaps that's why I find it so difficult to believe. To feel what I have outweigh what I have lost.
Instead, despair. How do I fix the things I find missing? Do I meet the milestones I feel I've missed? Hold onto people? Friendships? Feel love true and lasting? Trust in it again? Trust in life working out? When so often I've tried so hard, with all my being, and it didn't work out. I am always afraid. My mind falters. I falter. I forget things.
This job requires my mind, my focus. Yet I forget so quickly. It is not my dream job, but it is a good job. Probably better than most I've had. I'm afraid I will mess it up. I'm always anxious, worried. Forgetting things. I can barely stay awake, which doesn't help.
How do I change things? How do I find a sense of security, not to feel afraid so much? To face what must be faced? To believe? Can I take chances in life? What would I even do? How can I feel fulfilled?
Am I holding on out of fear? What am I holding on to? What planets do I reach out to? Is hope real? Is it something I can even feel?
I'm so tired.