And I Must Spork: Maradonia, Part VIII
We're back. Told ya I wasn't giving this up. Let's kick this pig.
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE - THE IRON CURTAIN
Yes, there should be a dash there. But Gloria Tesch, apparently, doesn't agree.
Anyways, Maya and Joey notice the glitter too, and run to the source; for once, Maya is running ahead of Joey. Hoppy identifies it as the glitter tree. Oh man, I'm already laughing. \~/
Just past the glitter tree is a large metal wall. This bodes well.
"There is no end of this monster wall. Maybe we are circled by this wall and we cannot see the end because there is no end. We are captured inside of a gigantic metal tin," said Joey looking at the wall and continued, "What do we do now?"
Eat? :V I'm just saying. Oh wait, this is Maradonia. Food has no use here!
Yeah, fuck that shit, I'd eat anyway.\~/
So Joey starts to pitch a fit and whine. Because Joey, in case anyone has forgotten, is a dick. He wonders who could have possibly blocked the way to the lagoon. Um, hello, guys? Evil Empire? I bet Arabella's already reported back that she can't sway you guys. He also complains it isn't fair they're blocked. Guess what, bitch? LIFE ISN'T FAIR.
They come to the conclusion that fairies did it. Makes an odd amount of sense, in a twisted, what the fuck sort of way. And of course, Sagitta can't fly them over the wall. And the wall causes temporary blindness when touched. Well, shit. They start to fall into DESPAIR, oh noes.
But then Maya realizes that this is their opportunity to do something themselves, instead of always relying on someone else. Yay, Aesops in badly written books. \~/
Maya continued, "We will not accept this situation as it is presented to us and I will tell you what I have heard from your own lips 'all glory comes from daring to begin'."
Yes, Tommy Lee Jones, this is some bullshit. \~/\~/ Preachy book is preachy. Now it's time to think of a solution! What should we do, o wise Maya?
Maya then said to both of them, "Let's sit down and be quiet. Take your left hand and cover your eyes. Then lay your tight hand on your heart and start to concentrate and to meditate about a solution to overcome this obstacle."
Pfffff. \~/ Meditation? Really? Wow, just. Wow.
"Meditation?" Joey said.
"Yes, meditation! Close your eyes and shut up!" Maya shouted.
AHAHAHAHA. \~/ Way to get zen there. However, I can forgive this; Joey being a mixture of jerkass and too dumb to live would make me want to yell at him, too.
And more pointless fortune cookie wisdom, served this time by Hoppy:
"The man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd."
What does that even mean?! \~/ Seriously, I don't even.
Finally, they decide to try digging under the wall. Using their hands and sticks, they get to work. Now, in my head, I'm like, "Yeah, that'll work. Sure. Watch the wall be built in the ground."
But no. No. This is Maradonia, and I really need to stop trying to apply logic to it.
The wall was built on top of the ground. ... How is that even possible?! Arggggh. \~/\~/\~/
So yeah, after much digging that for some reason takes only a few minutes, they dig a tunnel, squeeze under the bottom of the wall, and set off for the lagoon again.
Sigh. \~/
Chapter drinks: 12
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO - DECEPTION AND TEMPTATION
SCRE-
Oh, is this the rough draft of the cover? Makes sense... I guess.
Our heroes travel into the marshlands, full of creeks and exotic animals. Libertine decides to warn Maya and Joey about the evil fairies and tempters, who will try to disguise themselves as humans to trick them. As if the Evil Empire wasn't enough to worry about, Gloria tossed illusion makers into the mix. The next two pages are basically Libertine describing all the bad shit these creatures can cause.
"The fairies are temptresses and they are using one of the two tactics: 'Deception and Temptation.'
I don't know what the fairies will do this time but I can tell you... they have the ability to let fire fall from the sky."
... \~/ So the fairies are also element wielders? Man, the bad guys get all the cool powers. :|
And the chapter ends with Maya and Joey hearing music. So awkwaaaaaard.
Chapter drinks: 1
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE - THE WAGONS OF EL DORADO
Maya and Joey approach the source of the music, Libertine telling them to be careful and follow their hearts. Riiiiight. They come across wagons being pulled by unicorns and led by pretty girls and handsome men playing music.
I already smell a trap; so obvious it burns. \~/ But do Maya and Joey? Of course not! If they were at all genre savvy, they'd realize something was wrong. Especially when Joey hops into one of the wagons and finds it full of all the toys and games he ever wanted.
The girls explain they are coming of peace and invite Maya and Joey to become part of their family. The commended our heroes on how far they've come and that they are the only way to peace. They tell them not to fight, because they have so much amazing stuff for them.
... Ugh. Such a trap it hurts. \~/ But apparently there's drugs and hallucinations involved, especially with the flowers, since Maya is starting to feel sick. She receives a box full of gold and gems, but she still feels sick. Indicator number one.
Walking around a bit to make herself feel better, she gets a better look at the unicorns. Lo and behold, they are crying, and can't tell her why. Indicator number two.
Where the fuck is Admiral Ackbar when you need him? \~/
Soon, Maya gets really week from the flowers' scent, and grips one of the unicorn harnesses to keep herself steady. Their new friends are ordered by their leader to try to lift her up on the wagon where Joey's still reveling, but her hand is gripping too tight to the harness they can't remove it. What to do?
"The Commander said sternly, "Break the fingers of her hand or break the whole hand off and throw her body on the wagon!"
Big fucking red warning light, people. \~/
Thankfully, Joey gets the hint and leaves his sea of toys behind to cut the harness so he can protect Maya. As Maya came back to her senses, she tells Joey that these are the temptresses Libertine warned them of, which even Joey has figured out by now.
Joey then goes on an epic speech about how this group is nothing but King Pollo's cohorts and they he and Maya want nothing to do with them. Maya also chimes in with this little jewel:
"You should know that we have to fulfill a mission.
Our mission provides us with a vision and having a vision is the art of seeing things invisible."
Okay, even I can't see invisible things. \~/ Oh! And the chapter ends on that line!
...FFFFFFFFUUUUUUU-
Chapter drinks: 5
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR - WALLS OF FIRE
... It looks like grass. :|
So anyways, Maya and Joey get their backpacks and prepare to leave. Good kids! But their would-be captors aren't done with them. Naturally.
"Stop! I am 'Gertrude' and you are nothing else but worms, you miserable and ugly creatures.
Do you really think you can just turn your backs on us and say goodbye before you have tasted our powers?"
Pfff. \~/ That could have been a badass boast if it weren't for the worms bit. So then she makes a wall of fire appear in front of Maya and Joey. Maya basically calls bullshit on this.
Then Maya said, "I tell you that this fire wall is only an illusion and we're going to walk right through it. Even the smell of fire will not be on us. Not one single hair on our heads will have the scent of fire. Vision, Joey... vision is the art of seeing things invisible."
Vision has nothing to do with it. \~/ What the fuck. SERIOUSLY. I just can't even... Sigh.
Anyway, Maya turns out to be correct, and she and Joey pass through the fire unharmed. Gertrude is disappoint. She keeps rambling about how she'll smash them, burn their bodies, and then scatter the winds to the four directions of the earth. Yawn. They just stepped through your fire, bitch. \~/
Soon, help arrives in the form of Sagitta and the second creature from the kingdom of light, Cato. Basically, they tell Gertrude to stop being a cunt and release the unicorns, which she does; apparently, even one of King Pollo's servants knows better than to fuck with two of the higher ups from the opposing side. She burns up the wagons before leaving with the other fairies though. What a cunt.
The unicorns rejoice in their freedom, and then Hoppy notices something odd: Maya and Joey are shining! Is shining better than glittering/sparkling? I'm not sure yet. Apparently, since Cato and Sagitta serve Ruach, king of light, apparently the light is reflecting off our siblings.
Sense. It does not make any.
Libertine comes down and starts to explain. Kind of.
"It seems to me that after you have conquered this test and crossed the wall of fire... even your hands are anointed.
Maya and Joey you are on your way to becoming mighty leaders. Leaders are the ones who know the way, go the way, and show others the way.
One of your greatest gifts will be that you will give hope and encouragement to others.
Leaders walk the talk."
Oh geez. \~/ Anointed? That's a past tense verb, not an adjective. Anointed means to be smeared with oil, if I remember correctly. Or is my brain already frying from the stupidity in this chapter? I don't even know anymore.
Libertine tells them each to choose a unicorn and to continue with their journey, since Abbadon, again, is freeing soon.
Aaaand chapter end!
Drink count: 4
Drinks this installment: 22
Total drinks this spork: 145
Aaaand we're done for now. Seriously, this fucking book... Sometimes it makes me laugh, other times it's so blindingly stupid I can't even begin to handle it. Hope it was good for you, everybody. Till tomorrow, stay safe, and mind the fail.
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE - THE IRON CURTAIN
Yes, there should be a dash there. But Gloria Tesch, apparently, doesn't agree.
Anyways, Maya and Joey notice the glitter too, and run to the source; for once, Maya is running ahead of Joey. Hoppy identifies it as the glitter tree. Oh man, I'm already laughing. \~/
Just past the glitter tree is a large metal wall. This bodes well.
"There is no end of this monster wall. Maybe we are circled by this wall and we cannot see the end because there is no end. We are captured inside of a gigantic metal tin," said Joey looking at the wall and continued, "What do we do now?"
Eat? :V I'm just saying. Oh wait, this is Maradonia. Food has no use here!
Yeah, fuck that shit, I'd eat anyway.\~/
So Joey starts to pitch a fit and whine. Because Joey, in case anyone has forgotten, is a dick. He wonders who could have possibly blocked the way to the lagoon. Um, hello, guys? Evil Empire? I bet Arabella's already reported back that she can't sway you guys. He also complains it isn't fair they're blocked. Guess what, bitch? LIFE ISN'T FAIR.
They come to the conclusion that fairies did it. Makes an odd amount of sense, in a twisted, what the fuck sort of way. And of course, Sagitta can't fly them over the wall. And the wall causes temporary blindness when touched. Well, shit. They start to fall into DESPAIR, oh noes.
But then Maya realizes that this is their opportunity to do something themselves, instead of always relying on someone else. Yay, Aesops in badly written books. \~/
Maya continued, "We will not accept this situation as it is presented to us and I will tell you what I have heard from your own lips 'all glory comes from daring to begin'."
Yes, Tommy Lee Jones, this is some bullshit. \~/\~/ Preachy book is preachy. Now it's time to think of a solution! What should we do, o wise Maya?
Maya then said to both of them, "Let's sit down and be quiet. Take your left hand and cover your eyes. Then lay your tight hand on your heart and start to concentrate and to meditate about a solution to overcome this obstacle."
Pfffff. \~/ Meditation? Really? Wow, just. Wow.
"Meditation?" Joey said.
"Yes, meditation! Close your eyes and shut up!" Maya shouted.
AHAHAHAHA. \~/ Way to get zen there. However, I can forgive this; Joey being a mixture of jerkass and too dumb to live would make me want to yell at him, too.
And more pointless fortune cookie wisdom, served this time by Hoppy:
"The man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd."
What does that even mean?! \~/ Seriously, I don't even.
Finally, they decide to try digging under the wall. Using their hands and sticks, they get to work. Now, in my head, I'm like, "Yeah, that'll work. Sure. Watch the wall be built in the ground."
But no. No. This is Maradonia, and I really need to stop trying to apply logic to it.
The wall was built on top of the ground. ... How is that even possible?! Arggggh. \~/\~/\~/
So yeah, after much digging that for some reason takes only a few minutes, they dig a tunnel, squeeze under the bottom of the wall, and set off for the lagoon again.
Sigh. \~/
Chapter drinks: 12
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO - DECEPTION AND TEMPTATION
SCRE-
Oh, is this the rough draft of the cover? Makes sense... I guess.
Our heroes travel into the marshlands, full of creeks and exotic animals. Libertine decides to warn Maya and Joey about the evil fairies and tempters, who will try to disguise themselves as humans to trick them. As if the Evil Empire wasn't enough to worry about, Gloria tossed illusion makers into the mix. The next two pages are basically Libertine describing all the bad shit these creatures can cause.
"The fairies are temptresses and they are using one of the two tactics: 'Deception and Temptation.'
I don't know what the fairies will do this time but I can tell you... they have the ability to let fire fall from the sky."
... \~/ So the fairies are also element wielders? Man, the bad guys get all the cool powers. :|
And the chapter ends with Maya and Joey hearing music. So awkwaaaaaard.
Chapter drinks: 1
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE - THE WAGONS OF EL DORADO
Maya and Joey approach the source of the music, Libertine telling them to be careful and follow their hearts. Riiiiight. They come across wagons being pulled by unicorns and led by pretty girls and handsome men playing music.
I already smell a trap; so obvious it burns. \~/ But do Maya and Joey? Of course not! If they were at all genre savvy, they'd realize something was wrong. Especially when Joey hops into one of the wagons and finds it full of all the toys and games he ever wanted.
The girls explain they are coming of peace and invite Maya and Joey to become part of their family. The commended our heroes on how far they've come and that they are the only way to peace. They tell them not to fight, because they have so much amazing stuff for them.
... Ugh. Such a trap it hurts. \~/ But apparently there's drugs and hallucinations involved, especially with the flowers, since Maya is starting to feel sick. She receives a box full of gold and gems, but she still feels sick. Indicator number one.
Walking around a bit to make herself feel better, she gets a better look at the unicorns. Lo and behold, they are crying, and can't tell her why. Indicator number two.
Where the fuck is Admiral Ackbar when you need him? \~/
Soon, Maya gets really week from the flowers' scent, and grips one of the unicorn harnesses to keep herself steady. Their new friends are ordered by their leader to try to lift her up on the wagon where Joey's still reveling, but her hand is gripping too tight to the harness they can't remove it. What to do?
"The Commander said sternly, "Break the fingers of her hand or break the whole hand off and throw her body on the wagon!"
Big fucking red warning light, people. \~/
Thankfully, Joey gets the hint and leaves his sea of toys behind to cut the harness so he can protect Maya. As Maya came back to her senses, she tells Joey that these are the temptresses Libertine warned them of, which even Joey has figured out by now.
Joey then goes on an epic speech about how this group is nothing but King Pollo's cohorts and they he and Maya want nothing to do with them. Maya also chimes in with this little jewel:
"You should know that we have to fulfill a mission.
Our mission provides us with a vision and having a vision is the art of seeing things invisible."
Okay, even I can't see invisible things. \~/ Oh! And the chapter ends on that line!
...FFFFFFFFUUUUUUU-
Chapter drinks: 5
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR - WALLS OF FIRE
... It looks like grass. :|
So anyways, Maya and Joey get their backpacks and prepare to leave. Good kids! But their would-be captors aren't done with them. Naturally.
"Stop! I am 'Gertrude' and you are nothing else but worms, you miserable and ugly creatures.
Do you really think you can just turn your backs on us and say goodbye before you have tasted our powers?"
Pfff. \~/ That could have been a badass boast if it weren't for the worms bit. So then she makes a wall of fire appear in front of Maya and Joey. Maya basically calls bullshit on this.
Then Maya said, "I tell you that this fire wall is only an illusion and we're going to walk right through it. Even the smell of fire will not be on us. Not one single hair on our heads will have the scent of fire. Vision, Joey... vision is the art of seeing things invisible."
Vision has nothing to do with it. \~/ What the fuck. SERIOUSLY. I just can't even... Sigh.
Anyway, Maya turns out to be correct, and she and Joey pass through the fire unharmed. Gertrude is disappoint. She keeps rambling about how she'll smash them, burn their bodies, and then scatter the winds to the four directions of the earth. Yawn. They just stepped through your fire, bitch. \~/
Soon, help arrives in the form of Sagitta and the second creature from the kingdom of light, Cato. Basically, they tell Gertrude to stop being a cunt and release the unicorns, which she does; apparently, even one of King Pollo's servants knows better than to fuck with two of the higher ups from the opposing side. She burns up the wagons before leaving with the other fairies though. What a cunt.
The unicorns rejoice in their freedom, and then Hoppy notices something odd: Maya and Joey are shining! Is shining better than glittering/sparkling? I'm not sure yet. Apparently, since Cato and Sagitta serve Ruach, king of light, apparently the light is reflecting off our siblings.
Sense. It does not make any.
Libertine comes down and starts to explain. Kind of.
"It seems to me that after you have conquered this test and crossed the wall of fire... even your hands are anointed.
Maya and Joey you are on your way to becoming mighty leaders. Leaders are the ones who know the way, go the way, and show others the way.
One of your greatest gifts will be that you will give hope and encouragement to others.
Leaders walk the talk."
Oh geez. \~/ Anointed? That's a past tense verb, not an adjective. Anointed means to be smeared with oil, if I remember correctly. Or is my brain already frying from the stupidity in this chapter? I don't even know anymore.
Libertine tells them each to choose a unicorn and to continue with their journey, since Abbadon, again, is freeing soon.
Aaaand chapter end!
Drink count: 4
Drinks this installment: 22
Total drinks this spork: 145
Aaaand we're done for now. Seriously, this fucking book... Sometimes it makes me laugh, other times it's so blindingly stupid I can't even begin to handle it. Hope it was good for you, everybody. Till tomorrow, stay safe, and mind the fail.